Friday, August 31, 2012


Sit back and relax, Bitches. It's time to enjoy YOUR GARDEN PHOTOS!

[thanks, Princess!]

Let's get started, shall we?

1. Geezer garden sets in at Rancho FirstNations!...

A 5.00 broken down rototiller is given pride of place in the perennial border, joining a fleet of Tonkas, numerous deceased yard and garden tools, several old beat-to-shit metal washtubs, milk cans and items of cookware, a tricycle, two kids' wagons, a bowling ball and pin, a scattering of 'Red Rose Tea' figurines, and about a ton of broken basalt needles. Next year we're thinking of buying an inbred kid to sit in the front yard for that 'authentic country' touch.

2. Nope, sorry to dissappoint you; it's only tomatoes...

The Biker designed a clever, low-buck hothouse shelter from PVC pipe, zip ties, a plastic painters' tarp and a bunch of cheapo spring clamps from Harbor Freight. Total cost 30.00...reusable, take-downable, and tomato-friendly!

You know those people who fill up their houses with "collectibles" of questionable worth and garbage they can't bring themselves to throw away, the Hoarders of quease-inducing TV shows? I am a Plant Hoarder. I have stuffed my yard with more plants than any sensible person would consider. I continue to go to the marked-down section of the nursery and then, once I'm home with several new shrubs, start to wonder where they're all going to go. Since I live in San Francisco, even annuals like pansies and carnations refuse to die, so I have to squeeze them in, too.

I refuse to get help.

Alas, this amazing collage of color is all I can contribute of the garden. The heat killed most of the Ohio yard and frankly with moving, we didn't put that much into the landscaping.

But the attached image is of the concord grapes at our new house. Yup, this is what grapes look like in their infancy...

Though beautiful, grapes are toxic for dogs, so the grapes will have to go. The colors will get splashed about the kitchen, though!

rocks with sand…

Although not as aesthetically pleasing as my NYC garden was, I must say that this one tastes much better. The ironic thing is that the garden itself is the reason that I haven't had time to take any decent photos of it, after all the caring & harvesting, the only time I find to take a picture is after dark when I am preparing to cook, can or freeze. These are just a few snaps of my bounty.

Cherokee Purple tomatoes...

Butternut squash...

Blue Lake green beans...

and a nice spring shot of the strawberry patch...

I need to mention all those that missed their pictures took: spinach, mustard greens, mesclun and Bibb lettuce, sugar snap peas, red skin potatoes, crookneck squash, cucumbers, beets, onions, various herbs & enough cantaloupe to tip a turnip truck!

Thanks for looking, but right now I have to go put-up sixteen quarts of crushed tomatoes.

I live in the city so have a 60 sq. ft. deck on the fifth floor with a single potted plant on it, but these are from the cottage where we like to get dirty. Down on our hands and knees and rooting around in the soil! Here's a couple recent pics of things blooming like crazy...

And if you look closely you can spot my partner in one of the two shots on his way back from the compost bin...
(Click to enlarge)

I started gardening at my parents' place, outside of Chicago, in 2006. Took a few years off when I was in Portland, during which the entire yard went to hell, and resumed working on the garden a couple of years ago. It makes the old folks happy, and helps keep me somewhat sane. Which also makes them happy!

JON (British Jon):

Our garden when we first arrived here three summers ago was basically a tip - literally - paint and cement filled the back border, and the only plant-life was a four-foot deep honeysuckle jungle and various weed trees such as sycamore (which we had the landlord chop down) and blue hibiscus (which is lovely). We rescued the situation by hacking away the honeysuckle to reveal a subsequently flourishing pear tree (5 kilos of fruit last year, more to come this) and a jasmine, and basically ploughed up the earth and mulched/fed it. Last summer the garden repaid us by bursting into colour, and this year we maintained the momentum.

2012 gave us a mild January followed by thick frost in February. That killed most things we hoped to save from the previous year, including our lovely cyclamen and most of the pelargoniums. Then from May to July, "The Great Wet" that passed for "summer" allowed the snails to take precious seedlings such as lupins, and even fully-grown blooms such as delphiniums, without our even having two consecutive days in which to sit outside and enjoy them. Our patio was littered with the bludgeoned remains of the molluscs we did manage to get!

Anyway, wet weather also brought a thick mass of blackfly aphids, which covered the hibiscus - then lo and behold an army of ladybird grubs came to the rescue. They were everywhere, and munched their way through every aphid in town. Fabulous to watch!...

Another advantage of monsoon-like weather was that the wild poppy seeds I had taken from some weeds near my office and casually thrown along the old cracked pavement by our front wall germinated - and gave a brilliant show that caused passers-by to stop and stare...

As did our Canterbury Bells. And our window-boxes. And our Union Jack bunting, and the picture of a young Queen Elizabeth in the window. Camp, us?

The garden hasn't changed much since the last time. ..

A peek over my neighbours fence reveals this horrible monstrosity…
(Click to enlarge)

It has been a very odd year for the garden and because I’m flat out with costumes and the Empresses recent health scare the garden over the past 12 months has become rather neglected. Every area has become overgrown with weeds and many of the plants have died either through drought, flood, extended periods of increased humidity or, for the want of some badly needed, tender loving care.

Some of the plants have managed to survive and even thrive on neglect but not very many of them. It is not looking anything like previous photos that I have sent you. You will however be pleased to know that I’ve recently employed a gardener to knock the garden back into shape.

Sadly, despite my encouragement, he won’t garden in the nude but he does do a good job for a very reasonable rate. And the Palais is starting to look like it actually has a garden once again... rather than looking somewhat like a neglected overgrown jungle of weeds!

The survivors are the Pink Tacoma, The Banana Passionfruit, the fruit trees in the orchard and the raspberry canes which are still fruiting despite the colder weather!.

Pink Tacoma...

Banana Passionfruit...

Apricot tree...

The last picture is of my grandmothers Zygocactus which has abundant flowers like this every year despite the neglect!...

I am a gardening beast…

Since the Mistress doesn't garden, and lives in but a small pied de terre, I can only give direction to the gardener of the grounds as to adding artistic touches to the shrubs around here. I have no idea why the local Lady's Garden Society is ALWAYS up in such arms over the grounds? They don't even like the peppers gardener grows. When I go to market, it seems only the gays buy my produce, and one old lady who says she has sizes issues? Beats me.

With our busy drinking schedules this year, we're growing everything in containers this year. It's so much tidier and easier to weed and prune from either a sitting or prone position when one is not at one's best.

I did plant a leek bed, fennel bed and a half dozen Brussels sprouts in the lower garden, and there's a lovely man who lives behind the dumpster at the Home Depot who occasionally comes by to help care for those.

KATE (the late Mr. Mutley's partner):
Three and a half years ago, when I moved in, the garden was literally a thick forest of old shrubs. It's a communal garden, shared by three others. I have beaten it back to the ancient fence panels and now it makes us smile. The soil is six inches sandy above solid chalk. In dry spells especially, I dream of finding a lorry load of horse manure has been magically dug in by elves overnight.

Mistress MJ’s garden is a haven for BABY BUNNIES!...

LX (Mr. LAX):
Here is my entry for the Infomaniac Gardening Extravaganza.
I do not presently have a garden or any indoor plants. This is a pic of the mondo grass in the front lawn of my previous home. It is hardy, lovely green all year, and the deer do not usually eat the stuff.
Did I win yet?

Mistress MJ thanks all the Infomaniac Bitches who participated in 2012’s garden photos EVENT (this is not a contest.) As you know, this has become an annual event here on Infomaniac (click here to see 2011 garden pics) so remember to GET GROWING in 2013!

Thursday, August 30, 2012

U and Your URL

While you’re waiting for your Garden Photos to be posted, let’s play a word game, shall we?

The idea for this little game came about quite by accident and is proof that Mistress MJ should not attempt to blog before her morning coffee.

Mistress MJ attempted to type in her blog URL but a slip of her finger resulted in a spelling error, leading her to accidentally land on THIS blog.

Now let’s look at this woman's Profile page.

Apparently, this blogger enjoys “praising God and shopping” so in that way she is not so different from Mistress MJ who has been known to raise her hands in heavenly praise when she finds a good shoe sale.

See where it says “Contact me” on the left hand side of this woman's Profile page? Look underneath that where it says “My Web Page.” Click on “My Web Page” and you end up here on Infomaniac!!! Obviously SHE has not had HER morning coffee EITHER!

Anyway, on to the game now, as promised.

Try misspelling your blog URL. Simply rearrange a couple of the letters and see what comes up. Let us know the results in the comment box.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Coming Soon

Later this week on Infomaniac...


Monday Merriment

Friday, August 24, 2012


If you find yourself at loose ends over the weekend, here's something you can try...


Filthy Friday

Click to embigulate...


Thursday, August 23, 2012

Tomato Recipes


Yes, YOU heard me. Tomato recipes.

From time to time, we here at Infomaniac like to come to the aid of those Bitches who need a helping hand.

For instance, remember when we helped Mr. Lax’s “friend” select incontinence products? Or posted a personal ad for Normadesmond because she was looking for love in all the wrong places?

Now it’s time we turned our attention to another Infomaniac Bitch in need…MS. FIRST NATIONS.

Here is Ms. Nations with her first ripe tomato of the year…

Please read her plea (as follows) and respond in the comments box.

I have a bit of a dilemma that only The Bitches can solve: to wit, a GLUT OF TOMATOES.
I need tomato recipes. I mean seriously now I need tomato recipes. Sauce I have. Sundried, check. Salsa; puh-LEEZE. Marinara enough to float the Statue of Liberty with a goddamn dirty ape hanging off it. I need other tomato recipes. 

Serious shit; The Biker made me that little tomato shack and apparently it's been the home of a big dirty bee orgy for the past three months because I almost have more tomato than I do plants out there AND THEY'RE ALL GETTING RIPE AT THE SAME TIME.


Note from Mistress MJ: Ms. Nations has also asked that I post this warning as a public service…