Leonard Cohen Recites "In Flanders Fields"

 “In Flanders Fields” by iconic Canadian poet, Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD, recited by another iconic Canadian poet, Leonard Cohen (1934-2016.)

Daffodils

Commenting on yesterday's post, Miss Scarlet said, "I have some freshly cut daffs from the garden, and now I have somewhere to stick them."



Thank you for brightening the Reading Room, Miss Scarlet.

Daffodils by William Wordsworth

I wandered lonely as a Cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and Hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden Daffodils;
Beside the Lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:-
A Poet could not but be gay
In such a jocund company:
I gazed---and gazed---but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude,
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the Daffodils.

WINNER of the Canada Day Competition!

Congratulations to THOMBEAU!

Thom is the winner of a prize package from Canada that includes "Look and Feel Canadian Instantly Breath Spray!"

Succumb to the fantasy, Thom!

Product description: “Deep down, we all envy those charming, simple people to our north. While we Americans spread out around the world getting in all sorts of trouble, those carefree Canadians just go about their happy lives -- trout fishing, snowshoeing, and chugging down maple syrup. If you've ever wondered what it actually feels like to be Canadian, here's an amazing opportunity. "Look and Feel Canadian Instantly Breath Spray" allows you to experience the essence of Canada firsthand! Just close your eyes and spray a little of this peppermint-flavored miracle into your mouth. In your mind, you'll see the snow capped mountains of Saskatchewan, you'll hear the rushing streams of Edmonton, you'll smell the pungent moose droppings of Manitoba. Of course, once you open your eyes, you'll be back in the U.S.A. But the lingering peppermint flavor will remind you of the time you were almost a Canadian. And for the rest of your life, you'll find plaid shirts just a little less annoying.”

Thom wins the Canada Day Competition for this concise verse in which he captured the very essence of our nation…

Oh Canada, eh?

Eh, Canada. Oh.

And kudos to runner-up Damien Oz for this gem…

Oh Canada,
Thank you for your furry beaver.
For hockey-lads and dental retrievers.
For red pubes and anal heavers.


Oh Canada,
Thank you for Mistress MJ.
For her plump but pliant vay-jay.
For her gentle but stern "hey hey!!".


Oh Canada,
Thank you for for the funny.
For humpy men who melt my honey.
For MJ - who spanks my bunny.


Oh Canada,
Happy Birthday for you and ya!
For Toronto and Vancouvah!
For lamabsting the Quebecois!!


Mazel Tov Canada.


Thanks, Thombeau and Damien!

And thanks to EVERYONE who participated in our Canada Day Competition!

A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR OUR WINNER THOMBEAU AND RUNNER-UP DAMIEN!

And now a brief verse from Mistress MJ…

Mistress MJ is proud to be Canadian
Twenty-four seven
Circadian!

Canada Day Competition Finals!

Are you ready to vote for your favourite entry in our Canada Day Competition?

Everyone may vote regardless of whether you’ve submitted an entry or not.

Read the following poems about CANADA created by our very own Infomaniac Bitches and tell us your fave.

You have until the night of July 4th to make up your minds.

The winner will be announced on July 5th.

DAMIEN OZ…

Oh Canada,
Thank you for your furry beaver.
For hockey-lads and dental retrievers.
For red pubes and anal heavers.

Oh Canada,
Thank you for Mistress MJ.
For her plump but pliant vay-jay.
For her gentle but stern "hey hey!!".

Oh Canada,
Thank you for for the funny.
For humpy men who melt my honey.
For MJ - who spanks my bunny.

Oh Canada,
Happy Birthday for you and ya!
For Toronto and Vancouvah!
For lamabsting the Quebecois!!

Mazel Tov Canada.

XL…

oh my canada!
beaver, mounties, old scrotums!
infomaniac!

MISS SCARLET…

Roses are red wine, Scarlet is Blue,
Canada is fab,
And so are all of you.

DONN (aka Mr. S. Capeons)…

Happy Canada-D'eh MJ
Wave a flag day
raise your handz and say eh!
Canada'z where erbody say
"have nice muthatf^%#$day eh"
Merkins ask us why we be addin U s to everthang?
So we ain't you eh
it'z a Franch thang
and we let erbody live in this place
'eh'-liens be comin' ever-day?
our southern neighb sez weez all cra-zay
but we say
no damn way
youze guys have nice day eh
anyboday wanna come N play
what the hey
whatcha say
why don't you muthaf%$@s stay
Cause datz the C'nai-way
datz how we roll ever-damn-day
Euros came to snatch our Beavay
to chop N haul the wood away
First Asians said man what-the-hey? no way eh!
but felt bad and let their sorry frozen downass stay
now the rent's 144 damn years late
they be still reneggin' on their downass Treaties eh :(
maybe some damn day
we'll have to pay
and pave a better f%#$@ way
for erbody to stay
but not t'day
today we play away and get wasted eh
we say "gooday eh" to our neighbs
we should do this ever day
ignore our probs and seize the day ever-body ever-way
Happy damn Canada Day eh!?
ain't nuthin get done t'day

Peace Out

NORMADESMOND…

does saskatch have a snatch to chew on?

PRINCESS…

MJ’s off to meet the Middleton’s on their honeymoon,
How rude to be arriving on the first day after June.
It’s the National Day for locals and the one they celebrate
So just to piss the Royals off…. I hope she’s running late

They’ve come to see a beaver, “Show them MJ. Yours is grouse!”
Rumour has it that they’re staying at the Infomaniac house.
I have to wonder now about which room in which they’ll stay
Perhaps the Plaid Room or the Cheese Room or the Pink Room, that’s so Gay!

Now Will, will have to notice all the Houseboys on their knees
Bearing trays of cocktails as for Sir “We’re here to please”
“Have you any baggage Sir you’d like for us to stow?”
“Well I’d offer you the wife boys but the bitch she just won’t go”

The bitches have gone full on into celebration mode
It’s another wicked party at the Mistresses abode
Now the vodka fountains pumping, by the looks of it Grey Goose
And just for the occasion MJ’s gone and got a Moose

Will’s is naked in the corner with a lampshade on his head
Katie’s found a Mountie and has rushed him of to bed.
But the night it will be over and be ending all too soon
Seems the newlyweds are loving their Canadian honeymoon.

MS. FIRST NATIONS…

POMES IN HONUR OF CANANANDDA 4 A PRISE

1.
Hydro, White Widow,
Ruby, Cat Piss, Blue Buddha,
Albino Rhino.

2.
Early Purple Kush,
Willie Nelson, Wreckage,
Zero Gravity.

3.
Reclining Buddha,
Martian Mean Green, Sleestak,
Lambo, Free Tibet.

MAGO…

Cannada
Schlannada
Hauptsach' Du hast'es Muater'l liab

RANDOM CHICK…

I've never been to Canada but like the folks,
I notice that lots of Canadians are good at jokes.
I should probably know more about this nation,
But like most Americans, my brain is on vacation.

There are some Canadians I'd love to screw,
Ryan Reynolds, Corey Hart, Nathan Fallon, who knew?
Will that hellp me win this contest, perhaps,
For now I am going to take a big nap!

MR. PEENEE…

I’m happy to contribute sort of an Impressionistic Haiku.

I call it: “O Canada…. It really is a county…. Yes, it is… Is too… IS TOO…. It’s like right next door, what do you think happens when you leave New York?.... No, stupid, Connecticut is the other direction…. Is too…. Well, fuck you too…. OK, I’m leaving… No, I’m leaving first…. I do not, you always say that…. Just pay the bartender and let’s go…. No I do not have anything smaller than a twenty.”

Here’s the poem:

Naked Mounties, eh?
Poutine madness, maple stuff
Ice, ice, MJ, ice

THOMBEAU…

Oh Canada, eh?
Eh, Canada. Oh.

KABUKI ZERO…

Dammit Jim I'm a Doctor, not a Canadian! (star trek is big is canada ya know)

MITZI…

Mitzi’s poem #1:

Is she older than she looks on the telly, Are they her own teeth
with her chapeau askew, nobody knew
t'was to hide the bald patch b'neath?

Mitzi’s poem #2:

The food I love the most
Is not a chicken roast
Lovely fish and chips
Will never pass my lips
and I would rather not
Eat sausages quite hot

But if I had some Maple syrup
Oh, happy would I be
I'd pour some on a pancake
And have it for my tea.

Brilliant poems, Bitches!

One day we’ll be flipping through the pages of Poetry Magazine, as one does, and find your published verses. Then we can say, “I read it first on Infomaniac!”

In the meantime, please cast your vote for your favourite poem.

Canada Day Competition

YAY! It’s Canada Day!!!

[via]

To celebrate Canada’s 144th birthday, we here at Infomaniac are holding a Canada Day Competition.

The winner will receive an exciting prize package from Canada (no, NOT the man in the photo.)

RULES:

Compose a verse about Canada and post it in the comments box.

On July 3rd, your poem will be judged by a panel of your peers.

No special talent is required. It doesn’t even have to rhyme ("free verse" for example.) Just have fun!

YAY CANADA!

Note: Mistress MJ will be caught up in the Canada Day hoopla today so try to behave and keep the place tidy. As usual, the vodka fountain is open and for Canada Day we’ve added a Caribou fountain. Happy Canada Day, eh?

Treehugger Tuesday

(click to enlarge)

TREES

by: Joyce Kilmer (1886-1918)

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the earth's sweet flowing breast;

A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

A tree that may in Summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

Winners of the Summer Vacation Poetry Competition

Infomaniac gets a cheap thrill in announcing the winners of the Summer Vacation Poetry Competition.

The WINNER of the Infomaniac Summer Vacation Poetry Competition is…



STEVE!



Worship me



Stevey (aka Smunty the Cabin Boy) wins “What’s Your Poo Telling You?” the book that tells you everything you need to know about the shape of your stool.



We’ll be expecting a posting from you as you document the family’s feces.

Congratulations, Smunty!

Here’s Stevey’s winning pooem:

An Ode to a Traveller

As MJ & C toured 'round the
world
An epic yarn of smut
unfurled
In Vegas they fed mammoth
pots
Of dimes and dollars to hungry
slots
Then through a canyon so large, so
grand
They skipped and frolicked hand in
hand
To Jamaica, Barbados as warm sunlight
trickled
Down snorkelling backs to starfishes
tickled
Mexico next to sample
tequila
While old men in sombreros paid 5 bucks to
feel her
Back over the border and to the deep
South
Awaiting was waiting to put six toes in her
mouth
Toejobs and blowjobs in the US all
done
They jetted to Europe, said so long to the
sun
In Dublin they landed, ignored Tazpig and
Smunts
Got pissed on cheap Guinness, those ignorant
cunts
Over to London they sat on Big
Ben
And waited, no knickers, for it to strike
ten
Swam in the Thames, naked, for a
bit
Came out all covered in bogroll and
shit
On to cold Sweden, groomed their pubic
hairs
To improve the taste for all those
AuPairs
Down to Amsterdam the filthy old
sluts
Candlewax on the nipples, candlesticks up their
butts
Overused and abused, ignored me, ignored
you
They went home again, home again for a slow comfortable
screw!



Our RUNNER-UP is…

FIRST NATIONS!

First Nations (a filthy bitch if there ever was one) wins a packet of HandzOff Anti-Masturbatory Gum and a “Wash Away Your Sins Towelette” as pictured here…





Congratulations, FN!

Here’s First Nation’s runner-up pooem:

Mj went to paris france
bought a baguette for her pants
spread some garlic on her flaps
slapped a french cop with her baps
they kicked her out, she left that day
sunning on the beach, UK,
a car drove up her nether way
I"m not the chunnel! she did shout
as a loaded truck drove out
'C' thought it best to take her west
to show her mate off at her best
but ireland proved our mj's match
she WOULD keep saying 'down the hatch!'
passed out cold from all the liquors
she'd forgot to wear her knickers
swilling cocktails in a pub
all the paddy's saw her nub.


FN, please email your mailing address to me. Stevey, I believe I already have your mailing address from that “Dogging in Dorset” brochure that’s making the rounds.


A few of you other bitches outdid yourselves and your pooems deserve recognition.

Let’s start with SID (Stupid Irish Daddy).



SID had a winning pooem on his hands, had he not made reference to my neck. That neck photo was Photoshopped by Piggy and you know it, you filthy Fenian slutbag. Do I make fun of your bald patch? Or your soft, well-manicured girlie hands? Or your huge fat arse? Or that little problem you have in the?

Oh never mind. Let’s just say that despite his “short-cumings” SID really is quite clever. Here’s SID’s offering:

(1)

2007, A summer vacation.

Travel with MJ, who loves domination.

Along with her Tranny, yes "C" with the legs,

And drink from high heels, their batter and dregs.

(2)

A crack of her whip, and your hols would begin,

Your clothes would be torn, as you fall into sin.

Your gimp mask unpacked,a ball for yer mouth,

Great North is too cold, I think they went South.

(3)

Imagine the frights,imagine the stares,

Of MJ and friend, as they showed off their wares.

Croc shoes, unashamed, and lots of vibrators,

Yes, it was South, but North of Equator.

(4)

Now C, it appears, is ever so shy,

With MJ as an escort, I never know why.

Maybe she knows, what we all really fear,

That her urine is used, for Canadian Beer.

(5)

No, Jameson's the drink that gets her real pissed,

And gets her all moist, like a Vancouver mist.

No rain in this place, just hot and all Red,

Which sounds like a night, with MJ in the bed.

(6)

Her holiday break, no it wasn't a trek,

I mean, how can you walk,with such a long neck?

I guess it involved, just some lying in bars,

And whoring about, in some fancy old cars.

(7)

But now she is back,never spending the punts,

Expecting a poem,from all of us cunts,

So where is my prize, you filthy old lay?

Or shall I fuck off, while you just moan... "EH?"



And that Kent, Geoff, can always be counted on for a rhyming good time. See what I mean?:

Around the world in 80 days?
No, MJ did it in a daze.
Wrecked e'en more than New Year's Eve,
Pissed away her annual leave.

The seven wonders of the world?
The contents of her stomach hurled!
O'er the ol' Grand Canyon's edge
And from the Eiffel Tower's ledge.

Pissed in London, Dublin, Nice,
At least we got some fucking peace!
No Infomaniac for weeks,
No cunts or cocks or spread arse cheeks.

As much a holiday for us,
But now we're s'posed to make a fuss!
"We're glad you're back here on the scene,
Our fragrant, wondrous Canuck Queen."



Then there’s Piggy. Yes, the relunctant Piggy gets points just for putting his stumpy wee trotters to paper with this gem:

A haggard old cunt, called MJ,
She travelled to lands far away.
In search of the ultimate cock,
Day, after day, after day.

To Dublin. To Roswell. To 7-11.
To find what would take her to pleasurable heaven.
She found nothing, of course,
Although she does sound a bit hoarse.

With 'C' the sunkissed tranny,
In tow to mop up the muck,
The punters complained it was jammy,
To which MJ replied 'Oh fuck!'.

She's back now, to everyones dismay,
With nothing to show but stretched chops.
We did try to tell her before embarking,
'The foreigners will say you're a crap lay'.

A ruse to enable her to post less,
'The readers will carry this hostess'
Rhyming tales full of woe and humour,
Continuing the wild, speculative rumours.



As for the rest of you, even Garfer, I thank you for participating in Infomaniac’s first ever Poetry Competition.

And a special thank you to IVD who coined the word “pooem.”

Look forward to more competitions (poetic and otherwise) in the near future!

Summer Vacation Poetry Competition

Come along and enter Infomaniac’s first ever Poetry Competition.

You’re eligible for fabulous prizes!

The Details: Compose a poem about what you think I did on my summer vacation and type it into the comments section. As none of you (well, maybe one of you) knows for sure how I spent my summer vacation, the prize will not be awarded for accuracy but rather for imagination and creativity. Enter as often as you wish!

Deadline: Wednesday, July 18, 2007. Midnight PST. (For you lot in the UK, that’s 8:00 a.m. Thursday, July 19. The rest of you in other time zones, figure it out for yourselves.)

Winners Announced: Thursday, July 19, 2007 at whatever time I’m good and ready.

Judge: MJ.

And now…the moment you’ve all been waiting for…


THE PRIZES!


First Prize:

The best poem wins a little brown book entitled, “What’s Your Poo Telling You?”



With universal appeal (everyone poops, after all), this witty, illustrated description of over two dozen dookies (each with a medical explanation written by a doctor) details what one can learn about health and well-being by studying what's in the bowl. A floater? It's probably due to a buildup of gas. Now think back on last night's dinner, a burrito perhaps? . . .All the greatest hits are here: The Log Jam, The Glass Shard, The Deja Poo, The Hanging Chad . . . the list goes on. Sidebars, trivia, over 60 euphemisms for number 2, and unusual case histories all make this the ultimate bathroom reader. Who knew you could learn so much from your poo?



Second Prize:

Our runner-up wins a packet of HandzOff Anti-Masturbatory Gum.

We know Natures urges can arise at the most inappropriate times. Thats where Handzoff Anti-Masturbatory Gum comes in handy. When you've got the fire down below and you must say no – chew HandzOff instead!

Instant relief lasting up to 6 hours!

Let’s face it though. One packet is not enough for the likes of you wankers.


But wait! That’s not all!

The runner-up also receives a “Wash Away Your Sins Towelette.”



Right your wrongs with a wipe! Save yourself! Save others! Handy towelette with a light Easter lily scent and antibacterial action. Effective in cars, confessionals and motels. Perfect for the sinner on the go!



What are you waiting for? Get writing, bitches!

Blogger Bitches

Last night I received a lovely pome by email from none other than our SID (Stupid Irish Daddy.)

SID: The Poet Laureate of Northern Ireland.

SID: The Bard of Bitch Fights, himself.



MJ & Maidy before reading SID's pome



Blogger Bitches

By SID


Is that a ladder in your tights?
Was often heard on February nights
As Maidy and MJ undressed delights,
For their filthy cat bitch fights

How it started? No-one knows
Canuck and Yank as history goes
Two countries, shite, we all agree
"C'mon! They've started and it’s free!"

The favourite is the pregnant Yank
The other one just likes to wank
The bloggers two, oh filthy pair
"Oh look she's grabbed her by the hair"

A pube is ripped from skin so soft
And held by Maidy's hand aloft
MJ screams ...."you dirty cow"
Stilletto heels are piercing now

Geo snaps, a pic is taken!
A breast slipped out, if I'm not mistaken
Cream and mud is thrown by all
The pervs who often like to call

Teeth and legs and scratches too
You can't get better in the zoo
The felines brace and down once more
As MJ tries for oral score

Their fighting now all through the days
The names, the taunts, the filthy ways
For me a Catholic, it is a sin
So why the fuck can't I join in?

Alas, this fights' for brazen hussies
Tarnished nails and broken gussies
And so we watch these bitches brawl
Dirty cunts yes, you and all!




MJ & Maidy after reading SID’s pome