Thursday, August 23, 2012

Tomato Recipes


[via]

Yes, YOU heard me. Tomato recipes.

From time to time, we here at Infomaniac like to come to the aid of those Bitches who need a helping hand.

For instance, remember when we helped Mr. Lax’s “friend” select incontinence products? Or posted a personal ad for Normadesmond because she was looking for love in all the wrong places?

Now it’s time we turned our attention to another Infomaniac Bitch in need…MS. FIRST NATIONS.

Here is Ms. Nations with her first ripe tomato of the year…



Please read her plea (as follows) and respond in the comments box.

I have a bit of a dilemma that only The Bitches can solve: to wit, a GLUT OF TOMATOES.
I need tomato recipes. I mean seriously now I need tomato recipes. Sauce I have. Sundried, check. Salsa; puh-LEEZE. Marinara enough to float the Statue of Liberty with a goddamn dirty ape hanging off it. I need other tomato recipes. 


Serious shit; The Biker made me that little tomato shack and apparently it's been the home of a big dirty bee orgy for the past three months because I almost have more tomato than I do plants out there AND THEY'RE ALL GETTING RIPE AT THE SAME TIME.

HELP ME.

Note from Mistress MJ: Ms. Nations has also asked that I post this warning as a public service…


44 comments:

  1. My "friend" may be a CTHULHU.

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  2. How about donating the tomatoes to a food bank!


    DEUXIÈME!






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  3. I have read somewhere that CTHULHU are allergic to tomatoes, so perhaps we could kill two birds with one stone? TOMATO CANONBALLS!!!! Fired from the Infomaniac tower!!! Yes?
    Sx

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    Replies
    1. Defend mankind from unspeakable evil...and make a delicious Poulpe Provincale at the same time! I like the way you think!

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  4. Replies
    1. Good idea. Am I going to have to go buy a lot of specialty ingredients?

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  5. Ooooh! I feel this is going to be a wonderful day!!!

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    Replies
    1. Happier than a Teutonic twink tickling his taint with a tassel!

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    2. More wonderful than a willing willie on a wet waffle, Wilson!

      OH DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT FRANCONIAN.

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  6. does this mean i'm being forced to go back into
    the desmond test kitchens and don an apron?

    the cthulhu won't let me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ...and arguing with them doesn't work; they just get that look on their face.

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  7. Replies
    1. They tried that a couple of years ago here in Sumas but the Health Department shut us down.

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  8. Ms Nations... Might I suggest a remake of "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" You got the real thing right there in that hand. Bitchin "Tat"too honey...

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    Replies
    1. My tomatoes don't go rogue until October when they come into heat.

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  9. First - MJ is such a people person, looking after her flock. kabuki is teary0eyed. Second - fresh tomatoes freeze brilliantly. Just chuck them in a plastic ziploc and you are done. They are super easy to peel after freezing, and allow for yummy garden fresh recipes in december.

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    Replies
    1. I seriously did not know that! I thank you for that hint in the name of the Elder Gods!

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  10. And everybody stop worrying about the CTHULHU. He is the gardner here at Desperate Palms and is quite busy avoiding all sort of work.

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  11. I usually make salad from tomatoes. Most simple is to cut them in wheel like, well wheels, arrange them on a plate, drip good (! olive oil ! extra vergine!) and good (!! Italian!) balsamico over it, salt pepper, very tiny sliced pieces of onion (if one likes it), eat with white (Italian!) bread. Have a glass of Lambrusco with it.
    The Greek version goes with chunkcs of tomato, Gurke, Feta, chipped garlic, pepper (not so fine from the mill, a bit more rough, and black), a bit of salt and oil. (Greek oil is a special science, a good Southern Italian would also be good I guess.)
    The very stuffing version is: very small onion cuts, thin sliced tomatoe (wheel or quarters or what your knife allows), salt - pulls out the jouce -, press garlic in, add some buffalo cheese (Mozarella), chipped cooked eggs (as much as you like), let it suck a bit (I know you can, all of you), throw over fresh salad (the red one and the green one, kraus, don't know the name), Schnittlauch, eat immeadetely after having thrown in the green and red salad, because the "sauce" is a bit heavy and it will press the salad down, will look like alreadyeaten when you wait too long. Goes well with some small roasted pieces of poultry from the pan - a two minute thing, hey -, white bread like Baguette, focaccia or such, Fladenbrot maybe, and a glass of cold pinot grigio or champagne - a good (!) Spruzelwein (what's the name, looks like champagne but isn't?) does the trick too.
    Tomatoes are good for soup too, a good one is gazpacho, better ad a bit of garlic and pepperoni just for fun. Have a bottle of cold water ready and use Spanish wine, but I do not know these sorts.
    My tomatoe soup is a long boiling thing. I do not like to peel the skins off, so I mostly use a Sieb - colander? - a metall one, to press things through. A Purierstab is a good idea too.
    A good tomatoe salad is ten minute affaire, just have good (!) oil and balsamico at hand - or just do not use that, go for the pure taste of sun and land and wind ... but you need to educate your tongue for this. Guess you have all the other things in your garden too like garlic, onion, Schnittlauch, Basilikum, Rosmarin - just use it and give it a chance to be itself. Add a good wine and the day is your friend.
    Did I mention that you should use a good (!) oil? extra vergine? Yes?
    Fine.

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    Replies
    1. Let me assure you I have the most educated tongue this side of the Cascades, Mr. Mago. However I refute the allegation that there has ever been any such a thing as a schnitzelawson in my garden. I spray for those.

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  12. Make tomato wine it tastes just like a bleeding Mary.

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    Replies
    1. Oh damn, have you made this, Mitzi? It sounds just perfect for the crowd here at the Rancho! One is intrigued!

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    2. Thanks to my Great Aunt Alice, I’m very knowledgable about homebrews and poisons. They don’t have to be green tomatoes either as the above recipe states, in fact, the mankier the fruit the quicker it turns to alcohol! You can use any fruit or veg combination you like, I once made a brew using just a bag of raisins 4 years out of date!

      Instead of a demijohn I buy a 1 gallon bottle of mineral water from the supermarket, and use the plastic bottle to ferment the brew in, you could use a jerry can, if your that way inclined.

      To make 1 gallon of tomato wine without the fuss:

      Half fill a cup with warm water, add 1 teaspoon of sugar and one teaspoon of dried bakers yeast, stir until sugar is dissolved and set aside.

      In a large pan fill with tomatoes, (2 or3lbs) roughly chop four apples and add to the pan, don’t skin or core them. If you’re making any type of brew always add an apple or two, apple skin has a natural fermenting agent in it, similar to yeast. Leave about 3 inches from the top of the pan.

      Pour in enough water from the gallon bottle to cover the tomatoes, bring to the boil and simmer for 10 minutes until they go pulpy. Turn off the heat and add 2lb of sugar, stir until dissolved, pour the remaining water from the gallon bottle into a bucket, empty the boiled tomatoes/apple pulp mixture into the bucket and stir, it should feel warm to the touch,.

      The cup of yeast water should be nice and frothy now, if it isn’t discard and try again using less sugar. Add to the bucket and stir, cover the bucket with a plastic bag or a large dinner plate and leave in a warm place to steep for 5 days, stir it once a day.

      After five days, strain the brew into another bucket using an old pair of tights (ask MJ to lend you a pair of hers) discard the pulp. Use a funnel and decant into the 1 gallon water bottle, place a balloon over the bottle neck (use a condom, it fits better) after a day or so the balloon/condom will start to inflate with gasses, never use the screw cap at this stage otherwise it will explode. when it starts to go clear (usually within a three weeks) it’s ready to drink. For a fizzy wine add a teaspoon of sugar daily, place screw cap on and give it a good shake. Remember to put the Balloon/condom back on.

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    3. So much of this is, in equal parts, enticing and scary. Like so many Infomaniacs.

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  13. I forgot two things: Tomatoe salad needs a bit of sugar, and one can dry tomatoes too, but I've never done this. One can add spices to this, and it also needs oil. Goood oil, you know?

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  14. Another good salad is basil, tomatoes and boiled corn cut off the cob tossed in a vinaigarette. Especially handy since all the ingredients hit the peak of ripeness about the same time.

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    Replies
    1. Interesting - I have not thought about combining tomatoe and corn (= Mais, yes?). The vinaigrette is a basical thing, but tomatoe also works its wonders in a yogurth-Buttermilch-sauce. I ad a little rasped Gurke, garlic and oil. Good oil ...

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    2. Dude, you have no idea how timely that is; they just started selling corn roadside this past week here! I thank you and Eleanor thanks you my darling!

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    3. I'm a genius. Don't forget the basil.

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  15. Has anyone ever tried a peanut butter and cucumber sandwich? Spread generously two slices of bread with your favorite peanut butter and put two or three layers of thin cucumber slices. Divine!

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    Replies
    1. That sounds like a pregnancy craving....
      Check your callendar Huggy Jon to make sure your not running late darling...

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    2. Is peanut butter seriously for humans' consumtion?
      I'm asking for a friend.

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    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    4. You got that recipe from the Pnakotic Manuscripts, didn't you Jon.

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    5. @ Herr Mago: Your "friend" would want the Bio Peanut Butter. The other kind is not healthy.

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  16. BITCHES: You may continue your "tomato recipes" discussion but we have moved on to Filthy Friday in the meantime.

    Let's hope that your contributions here will keep Ms. Nations' idle hands busy and that she will report back to us on her progress in the kitchen...and any Cthulhu-related sightings.

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  17. Tomato Butter (aka Tomato Jam)

    To peel the tomatoes for Tomato Butter, use a vegetable peeler with a serrated blade or you could boil the tomatoes briefly to loosen the skin, then peel them with our hands. If using that method, it is important to plop the tomatoes into an ice bath to stop the cooking.
    To ensure the Tomato Butter is fully set, it is essential to refrigerate the spread for at least a few hours before serving.
    This recipe can be made in larger quantities and canned.

    Makes about 3 cups

    INGREDIENTS
    3 pounds tomatoes, peeled, cored, seeded, and chopped
    1 onion, grated on large holes of box grater
    2 cups packed light brown sugar
    2 teaspoons ground ginger
    1 teaspoon turmeric
    1 teaspoon paprika
    1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
    1/4 cup juice from 2 lemons
    Salt and pepper
    INSTRUCTIONS
    1. Simmer tomatoes, onion, sugar, ginger, turmeric, and cayenne in large saucepan over low heat until thick and jamlike, 2 to 2 1/2 hours.

    2. Stir in lemon juice and season with salt and pepper. Transfer to medium bowl, cover with plastic wrap, and refrigerate at least 2 hours and up to 1 week. Serve.

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  18. Mmmmmm! Butter!

    I'm stealing that one!

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  19. BITCHES: Word has is that Ms. Nations is elbow-deep in tomatoes, trying out your recipes.

    Who knew you Bitches were such goddesses in the kitchen?

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    Replies
    1. And whores in the bedroom, I might add.

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    2. I don't know about you MJ, but I wouldn't dare try anything coming out of the bitches' kitchen. God knows what kind of "special" ingredient might have been used in whatever they cooked up.

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