We know you’ve all been around the block a time or two.
Of course some of you have more mileage on you than others.
We here at Infomaniac would like you to summarize your romantic history in the comments section.
Go on. Spill it.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
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YAY FIRST
ReplyDeleteA gentleman never kisses and tells
ReplyDeleteso mind your beeswax
ReplyDeleteBEAST: You have NOTHING to tell!
ReplyDeleteok, i'm calling second...damitdammitdammit xoxox
ReplyDelete(now i'll read the post)
i've been married a gazillion years, sugar, i have no romantic history. xoxox
ReplyDeleteNice! Thanks for the shout out.
ReplyDeleteLets see I'll go first. It all started at the truck stop when I was nine. From there I was notching my bed post four and five times a day but it soon whittled down to a toothpick. I’ve since lost count. Then one night working the carnival after a shift on the tilt-a-whirl, I met my dream rapist. He held me hostage for eight sex filled months. It’s never been the same again until the next day when I met my true love the serial killer who liked to make snuff films. He rode a chopper and made me his cycle slut but he ran out on me and went on the lam. I’ve been hitting the truck stops hitchin’ rides and sucking my way across the country searching for him ever since...
My romantic history is best summarized as:
ReplyDelete"People go to bed with Gilda, they wake up with me."
~Rita Hayworth
Like Savannah, I've been married for a long, long, long, long time so I'm going to live vicariously through the comments.
ReplyDeleteOh, I've been to Nice and the Isles of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht
ReplyDeleteI've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got
I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see
I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me.
SAVANNAH: i've been married a gazillion years, sugar, i have no romantic history. xoxox
ReplyDeleteSurely the MITM didn’t just walk up to you, grab you by the hair and drag you off to a cave!
Don’t tell me he didn’t come a courtin’ at some point.
AYEM8Y: Nice! Thanks for the shout out.
Following the release of your latest porno, “Truck Stop Trollop,” you were the natural choice.
Lets see I'll go first. It all started at the truck stop when I was nine. From there I was notching my bed post four and five times a day but it soon whittled down to a toothpick. I’ve since lost count. Then one night working the carnival after a shift on the tilt-a-whirl, I met my dream rapist. He held me hostage for eight sex filled months. It’s never been the same again until the next day when I met my true love the serial killer who liked to make snuff films. He rode a chopper and made me his cycle slut but he ran out on me and went on the lam. I’ve been hitting the truck stops hitchin’ rides and sucking my way across the country searching for him ever since...
Is it true that you can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch?
EROS: My romantic history is best summarized as:
"People go to bed with Gilda, they wake up with me."
~Rita Hayworth
Are you telling us that your lovers go to bed with a woman and wake up next to a man?
Have you been cross-dressing again?
BOXER: Like Savannah, I've been married for a long, long, long, long time so I'm going to live vicariously through the comments.
Was he a mail-order husband?
Did he just show up on the doorstep one day in a FedEx package?
JASON: Oh, I've been to Nice and the Isles of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht
I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got
I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see
I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me.
In other words…
You spent your life exploring
And then went whoring.
*hums along to Jason’s stunning karaoke performance*
*trips on the train of his gown on the way out*
It was a dark and stormy night, and Jose came in dripping wet. He made his way over to me. I, in my flowing silk robe with nothing underneath, could feel his heat across the room. He grabbed me roughly, pulling me closer to his loins. His mouth came down on mine hard. Then he ripped my robe off and...
ReplyDeleteMy romantic history, at least to date, ends with Mr. Muscato. "Marriage," in the words of dear Mrs. Patrick Campbell, "is the deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise longue."
ReplyDeleteAnd the twenty years or so before Mr. M. saw plenty of hurly-burly. Much of it very burly indeed.
Are we to include Lot Lizards in the tally?
ReplyDeleteRANDOM: It was a dark and stormy night, and Jose came in dripping wet. He made his way over to me. I, in my flowing silk robe with nothing underneath, could feel his heat across the room. He grabbed me roughly, pulling me closer to his loins. His mouth came down on mine hard. Then he ripped my robe off and...
ReplyDelete… asked you to get him a cold beer from the fridge.
*burrrppp*
MUSCATO: My romantic history, at least to date, ends with Mr. Muscato. "Marriage," in the words of dear Mrs. Patrick Campbell, "is the deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise longue."
And the twenty years or so before Mr. M. saw plenty of hurly-burly. Much of it very burly indeed.
Are we to understand that you turned down Upen Patel for Mr. Muscato?
We must say the pair of you have indeed led a colourful life ... whiling away the hours in your Sultanate between trips abroad to Paris, Amsterdam and Berlin.
And settling into your future as a dowager in-the-making.
XL: Are we to include Lot Lizards in the tally?
If you’re anything like our resident Truck Stop Trollop (Mean Dirty Pirate), then no.
There simply isn’t enough room in the comment box.
It's the alcohol really; I may have had one drink too many--some things I can't remember. Some people I'd rather forget!
ReplyDeleteIf I blab are you offering a Wetness Protection Program..
ReplyDeleteoops damn you Freud!
Path of Glory.
ReplyDeleteWhat lead to the pelloton ...
Oh. In that case, I've got nothing.
ReplyDeleteFirst I was an idealist, then I was a slut. Nowadays, I just settle for whatever I can get and hope they stay for coffee.
ReplyDeleteContact my agent.
ReplyDeleteI think Mr Beastie protests too much...
ReplyDeleteSx
Too many encounters who stayed the night and over-stayed their welcome. But I'm such a good hostess I made them coffee in the morning anyway.
ReplyDeleteSerial monogamy makes for uber-somnambulistic copy.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't even need to take my socks off to count the number of partners that I've had...
and I was in my prime in the 70s!
How pathetic is that?
isn't that why blogs were invented? .. a blow-by-blow account of the path around the block, and back.
ReplyDeleteWild anonymous sexual encounters interspersed with long tedious emotionally drenched tortured love affairs.
ReplyDeleteEROS: It's the alcohol really; I may have had one drink too many--some things I can't remember. Some people I'd rather forget!
ReplyDeleteLike that time you were walking to the store to get some laundry detergent, when a cop car pulled over, mistaking you for a street whore?
DONN: If I blab are you offering a Wetness Protection Program..
oops damn you Freud!
The Women of Infomaniac (and Old Knudsen and CyberPete) must guard against the moistness that ensues from imagining you in a pair of Lycra cycling shorts.
MAGO: Path of Glory.
What lead to the pelloton ...
Was ist ein “pelloton”?
XL: Oh. In that case, I've got nothing.
Should we sign you up for Infomaniac’s Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service?
MIKEY: First I was an idealist, then I was a slut. Nowadays, I just settle for whatever I can get and hope they stay for coffee.
But who could resist you in your dazzling array of cute pj’s?
KAZ: Contact my agent.
Your agent says to wait for the book, followed by the movie.
I haven’t even started My Booky Wook yet.
Is your life anything like Russell’s?
SCARLET: I think Mr Beastie protests too much…
Me thinks Miss Scarlet is using Beast as an excuse not to reveal her own romantic history.
But yes, we agree about Beast.
Does he still have a barf bucket next to his bed for guests?
ROSES: Too many encounters who stayed the night and over-stayed their welcome. But I'm such a good hostess I made them coffee in the morning anyway.
How civil.
We would just direct them to the Tim Hortons donut shop down the street.
DONN: Serial monogamy makes for uber-somnambulistic copy.
I wouldn't even need to take my socks off to count the number of partners that I've had...
and I was in my prime in the 70s!
How pathetic is that?
Are you suffering from the monotony of monogamy?
It’s quality that counts, not quantity.
Perhaps if you were to remove your socks during those intimate moments, your partner would be more responsive.
CARNALIS: isn't that why blogs were invented? .. a blow-by-blow account of the path around the block, and back.
We think you’re doing a splendid job doing just that!
And recipes, of course.
EMMA: Wild anonymous sexual encounters interspersed with long tedious emotionally drenched tortured love affairs.
I need a nap just thinking about it!
Like the time someone forced his way into my stall and left quite an impression?
ReplyDeleteWhy can I never understand what the hell Don is talking about?
ReplyDeleteMisspelling: peloton.
ReplyDeleteAn old expression for firing squad.
CYBERPOOF: Like the time someone forced his way into my stall and left quite an impression?
ReplyDeleteForcible entry?
More likely you had an “open house” sign on the door.
RANDOM: Why can I never understand what the hell Don is talking about?
Our Donn is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.
We can offer you a decoder ring if you just forward your credit card details to us.
MAGO: Misspelling: peloton.
An old expression for firing squad.
You’re lucky you got out alive!
Well the door was closed but I'd forgotten to lock it.
ReplyDeleteCar crashes.
ReplyDeleteWithout air bags.
CYBERPOOF: Well the door was closed but I'd forgotten to lock it.
ReplyDeleteConveniently.
GARFY: Car crashes.
Without air bags.
I don’t believe the NHS covers that.
It wouldn't be the first time someone's mistaken me for a whore.
ReplyDeleteEROS: It wouldn't be the first time someone's mistaken me for a whore.
ReplyDeleteWell you’re always a lady to me.
when there are more recipes than orgasms you know it is all going awry.
ReplyDeleteI can't remember them all and besides I never saw most of their faces.
ReplyDeleteAs if I would use Mr Beastie for anything! Goodness me! What a suggestion!
ReplyDeleteSx
CARNALIS: when there are more recipes than orgasms you know it is all going awry.
ReplyDeleteWe love to see your melons, be they in recipes or inducing orgasms.
KNUDSEN: I can't remember them all and besides I never saw most of their faces.
There isn’t enough room on board the Old Knudsen love train express to take everybody for a ride.
Book early, people.
SCARLET: As if I would use Mr Beastie for anything! Goodness me! What a suggestion!
I’d like to take this opportunity to say that whole “let’s give Beast a wedgie” plan went horribly wrong.
No romance, just a lot of dirty sex.
ReplyDeleteHEFF: No romance, just a lot of dirty sex.
ReplyDeleteThat’s not the “Floral Heff” we know.