Infomaniac Has Left the Country

This was the scene of our last summer vacation but when I suggested to “C” that I take the wheel and we drive off the cliff of the Grand Canyon just like in the movie, she objected. No sense of adventure, that one.




Infomaniac is on hols.

Mark your calendars to return here on Wednesday, July 11th.

This is my 700th posting so I deserve a long break. It’s hard work keeping you lot amused and entertained.

My lovely friend “C” will join me on my journey. Long-time Infomaniac readers may remember our last trip together to Las Vegas, The Grand Canyon and the Brothels of Nevada.





This is the only bit of “C” that I was allowed to reveal on my blog during our last trip. Maybe I just need to get her liquored up and she’ll show us more.




We’re venturing considerably further afield this time.

And at some point in the journey, I’ll be meeting up with a very special mystery friend.

See you in July, bitches!

Tá!

Happy Daddy’s Day!

Truly, he's an awful eejit.




To all the daddies out there … enjoy your special day.







Just don't click here, okay?


UPDATE: Maidy's in labour!

A Cunning Tale

Gather round, boys and girls. It’s storytime on Infomaniac.

I’ll begin with an opening line. Are you ready? Here it is…

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Infomaniac, there lived a…

Well? What are you waiting for? Get your fingers unstuck from up yer arses and type in the next line in the comments section!

Anyone can jump in at anytime and add another line.

Try to make it a continual flow and stick to the storyline that develops. But you creative geniuses (and those on hallucinogenic drugs) may prefer free form style.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Infomaniac, there lived a…

Caption This!

Give it your best shot.

I’m outta here for most of the day, so don’t expect me to pop in and out and tell you how brilliant you are with your witty captions.

Don't look at me like that! I spend hours trying to entertain you lot so give me something in return.

Just do it, bitches.

TOXIC TOTTY: Sting

Scene from the 1984 film Dune



It’s time for the third installment in Infomaniac’s new series entitled Toxic Totty.

From time to time, Infomaniac will post images of celebrities who should have kept their clothes ON. Or, if not in a state of undress, should reconsider their fashion options.

Today we feature singer, songwriter, musician, actor, environmental activist, wanker Sting.




again with the flying jockstrap




fuck off ya big pillock




Warning: Toxicity level increases here…








Warning: Extreme Toxicity Alert!

Hazmat suits recommended!...








Shove your lute up your shute.

Rain City

To Stevey, Tazzy and Piggy, IVD, SID, and Maidy who all tried to cheer me up yesterday with your Sally Sunshine images from abroad…

*mutters something under my breath about “with friends like you”*

I thank you.

Anyone want to guess what the forecast calls for here again today?



SID and Piggy dance and laugh merrily at my plight. Evil bastards.




And who’s the sick mind behind THIS product?…

Blogging Roundup

Blogging Roundup will resume in mid-July.

Oh, keep your trousers on.

Tranny Queen of the World

Which one of you ladyboys will be the next Tranny Queen of the World?



TICKERS?...




PIGGY?...




STEVE?...

Photo by Awaiting


Or one of you other girlies?

PMS Alert!

Back off, bitches.

I need my medication…

Shenis Envy

Back in March, Infomaniac posted about Women Who Pee Standing Up.

We mentioned a variety of devices designed for women on the go who wish to pish in a standing position.

Well it seems there’s a gadget we missed out on … the Shenis!


The Shenis is gold and twelve inches long. In other words, it really is the Equalizer. It also gives us girls a chance to pee on road trips. While boating. Camping. Even outside of bars if we want. Just like men. Most important, we can do it standing up.






BASIC INSTRUCTIONS:

Put in place
Pee
Belch
Scratch
Shake
Shake
Shake
Rinse
zip up

Pee like a man, now you can!

TOXIC TOTTY: Sean Connery

“Yesh, I’m the Sexiesht Man Alive.”



It’s time for the second installment in Infomaniac’s new series entitled Toxic Totty.

From time to time, Infomaniac will post images of celebrities who should have kept their clothes ON. Or, if not in a state of undress, should reconsider their fashion options.

Today we feature Scottish actor Sean Connery as he appeared in the 1974 low-budget sci-fi film Zardoz.

Not every man can pull off a red leather loincloth (or is it a nappy?) / bandolier combo with thigh high boots and a ponytail.

The film takes an ever more bizarre turn when Sir Sean shows up on screen in a wedding dress.




Great Scot!



The costume designer should be "shaken, not stirred."


UPDATE: Prunella Jones just sent this pic to me. Sensitive viewers please avert your eyes…

Inexplicable DeVice: The Man Behind the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts

For those of you unfamiliar with the ways of our resident witch, Inexplicable Device, (aka IVD, aka THE WINNER OF THE FREAKIN’ GREEN ELF SHORTS) surely you must be curious to know more about him.

Those of you who’ve heard this story before, run along now.

Everyone else, hearken back to a night in January 2007.

A drunken IVD made guest appearances on a few of our blogs after drinking a potent witch’s brew.

Not surprisingly, he was more lucid in his drunken state than when he’s sober.

Thankfully he didn’t vomit in anyone’s blog. Small mercies.

Pull up a chair to relive some of the finer bon mots left behind by IVD on that winter's evening...

Fuck ,! so drunke,!

Shit wzaasht Have i done?

I don;t afucking knoe. Shit amutst try better

dof

crtapQ!

Ignotere athat. Bufggger

Haven'y \\\\i been here?
Oooh hello |SID. I tinka
Fuck!
Oh crap I',m acrap a ttthais FfBastard/


Must do better,.
try harder.

Reallu budggger

Vety! Why Am I aso Drunk/?Q!

Shaking. Sleep. Tired. Diidef. IFytird. BAstrad, What in dhtirrst ams I doing?

Kill me

Fuck! I've fUKIONG SOBERED UP! Must go to bed,. Nee dwater. Will go now.

And my personal favourite…

Yes! I lovwe yous (in response to SID’s question, “Do I have to follow you around cleaning up your vomit all night?”)



Inexplicable DeVice…Some misguided fools say he’s luscious. I say he’s just a lush. You be the judge.

The Winner of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition!

Behold! A new day dawns for The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts!

See how the sun illuminates The Shorts and brings with it glad tidings.

For today we announce the Winner of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition!





It’s time to remove The Shorts from my head and send them off to their new foster home. It pains me to part with The Shorts as we’ve become as one.

Oh dear, I’m getting all teary-eyed.
*blows nose into Shorts*

But enough about me. Let’s move on to our impressive list of front-runners. 13 in all!…


THE FRONT-RUNNERS:

CHAUCER’S BITCH
CHRISTINE
EDDIE WARING
FAT SPARROW
HOMO ESCAPEONS (HE)
INEXPLICABLE DeVICE (IVD)
MAIDY (Maidink)
MARTIN & JOHN (M and J)
MS MAC
MUTLEY THE DOG
SID
SPIKEY
STEVE

Brilliant contributions from all of the above but only one front-runner can take home The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts.


Drum roll please ….


AND THE RUNNER-UP IS:


SID (Stupid Irish Daddy)


SID contributed an impressive 13 cheeky captions. SID is a profound, prolific and profane pontificator of poetry and prose and he truly outdid himself in this competition. Here are two of his best…


"In the forest of earthly delights
With the elves and gnomish sprites
Canuck MJ has covered her face
While wearing a top,I think its lace.

No handsome prince to kiss those lips
Nor seven dwarves to part her hips
She stands alone,ashamed some say
Just moaning the simple word of EH.

Her compo did us all a treat
Captions,comments, all were sweet
Her witty lines and quick retorts
Just so some cunt can wear the Shorts!"



Lovely, SID. Just lovely.

And this poetic gem that literally made me convulse and fall to the floor with laughter… Sung to the tune of Monty Python’s “The Lumberjack Song”…



"She cuts down trees.She wears high heels, suspendies and a bra
She puts on elfish clothing
And hangs around in bars."

All together now...."Oh...She's an Infomaniac and she's ok..."




SID, I may decide to use that line (“She’s an Infomaniac and she’s ok”) as my tagline and motto.

So SID? You’re our runner-up. I know, I know. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Shut it. You’ve had The Shorts once already ya big greedy git.

And SID? Rest assured that you’ll win something one of these days, you clever thing you, as Infomaniac plans to create more competitions in future of a non-Elfin variety. I have great faith that you’ll come away with a prize or two eventually.


And now, it brings me great pleasure to announce...

THE WINNER OF THE FREAKIN’ GREEN ELF SHORTS CAPTION COMPETITION!


Drum roll (louder this time and with a horn section, please)…


The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts are on their way back to England to their new foster home with...


INEXPLICABLE DeVICE!!!






Winning Caption: "Ladyboy MJ quickly covers her 5 o'clock shadow and Adam's apple with the Elf Shorts as she catches sight of her next punter."



Inexplicable DeVice contributed 7 captions but the winning caption above is my fave.

And yes, that’s him (the perv) peeking out from behind the tree.

For those of you unfamiliar with Inexplicable DeVice (aka IVD aka IDV aka IVF) I think Martin and John summed it up best when they described him like this:

“Ever heard the phrase 'Friend of Dorothy'? Well, meet Dorothy. As queer as they come. A fully qualified, professional, mincing machine. Complete with neurotic split personality and everything.”

“Witch” one of his personalities will wear The Shorts?

Hey, IVD! Here’s an idea. Why don’t you videotape yourself mincing about in The Shorts and post it on your blog and YouTube for all to see? We’d all love to watch you sashaying in The Shorts, wouldn’t we?

Congratulations on your well-deserved win, you warty old witch.

IVD, email your mailing address to me and I’ll send The Shorts to you along with a souvenir of Canada. Complete with stains. And, of course, they’ll be unwashed.







And finally…

Thanks go out to all the NEWCOMERS who bravely donned their hip waders to step into Infomaniac’s mucky waters and leave a caption or a comment. They are as follows:

CHAUCER’S BITCH
CHICKA
CHRISTINE
CYBERPETE
FAT SPARROW
GRANDAD
JORGE PORGE
K8
KIM
MP
MS MAC
WARCRYGIRL

You’re all welcome here on Infomaniac anytime.


For anyone who hasn’t already read the many captions and comments, click on The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition! posting from May 28.


And if, like Bock the Robber, you’re still not sure what this competition was all about, read The Definitive History of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts posting from May 22.


A huge and heartfelt thanks to ALL OF YOU who participated in the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition.

May The Shorts be with you, bitches.