Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Official Infomaniac Beautician

The Infomaniac House of Beauty has hired Miss Scarlet as Official Infomaniac Beautician.

Miss Scarlet’s most famous client is Miss Bubbles Devere (pictured below)…



As you can see, Miss Devere is a work in progress.

But never mind that.

Miss Scarlet is now accepting bookings from you, the Bitches of Infomaniac.

Treat yourself to one (or all!) of the following services:

Anal Bleaching (using Elizabethan Period arsenic)

Coffee Enema (guaranteed to “perk” you up!)

Bush Whacking (tames unruly bushes!)

Back, Sack and Crack Waxing

Stick of Butter Treatment (if you have to ask, you don’t want to know)

Super Detox Purification Total Energy Renewal Optimal Health Fat Flush Anti-Aging Miracle Cleanse Solution

“Happy Ending” Massage

And now we break for a word from our sponsor.

We here at the Infomaniac House of Beauty would like to introduce a fabulous new skin care product …

VELVA CREAM!


[via Normadesmond]

This is the magic potion that keeps our Normadesmond’s velva looking young and smooth.

Try it today!

35 comments:

  1. that had better not be my last package of velva cream! i can't believe you walked right in and took it and i didn't even hear you!

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  2. I never touch anything that's not spelled "creme."

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  3. I’ll take the works: double up the arsenic for my anal bleaching and remember I take my coffee black for the enema.

    Wake me when your done.

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  4. I bought new pillows today.

    Please, don't get any of those beauty fluids on the pillows!

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  5. Poor Miss Scarlet didn't know what she'd gotten herself into.

    Maybe she should send an application to Elizabeth Ardens? Things are just that little bit nicer behind the red door.

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  6. Ooh Ooh! I want the "Stick of Butter Treatment!" Sounds dee-lish! But if I turn out like Miss Devere somebody is gonna lose an eye.

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  7. I could use a full day at the spa! And these services are wonderful! Sign me up.

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  8. NORMADESMOND: that had better not be my last package of velva cream! i can't believe you walked right in and took it and i didn't even hear you!

    Didn’t you hear the door slam shut just as your batteries ran out of juice?

    MR. PEENEE: I never touch anything that's not spelled "creme."

    Penche-toi, chienne!

    AYEM8Y: I’ll take the works: double up the arsenic for my anal bleaching and remember I take my coffee black for the enema.
    Wake me when your done.


    Miss Scarlet wants to know if you’ll wear your butt bra during the procedures.

    XL: I bought new pillows today.
    Please, don't get any of those beauty fluids on the pillows!


    We are convinced this question was submitted by you.

    And now we need to know if you’re an alien.

    CYBERPOOF: Poor Miss Scarlet didn't know what she'd gotten herself into.
    Maybe she should send an application to Elizabeth Ardens? Things are just that little bit nicer behind the red door.


    Miss Scarlet prefers the action behind the Green Door.

    RANDOM: Ooh Ooh! I want the "Stick of Butter Treatment!" Sounds dee-lish! But if I turn out like Miss Devere somebody is gonna lose an eye.

    If she runs out of butter, are you willing to accept a substitute?

    MICHAEL RIVERS: I could use a full day at the spa! And these services are wonderful! Sign me up.

    Has Joan Rivers branched out to selling Velva Cream on QVC yet?

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  9. Good gawd! Quick, get CP's blue dress from Princess's place and put it on this woman! I'm trying very hard not to see if her carpet matches the drapes!



    I think I'm going to need a massage now to help me relax.

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  10. EROS: Good gawd! Quick, get CP's blue dress from Princess's place and put it on this woman! I'm trying very hard not to see if her carpet matches the drapes!
    I think I'm going to need a massage now to help me relax.


    Bubbles Devere wants to give you a massage.

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  11. I am honoured to be the official Infomaniac beautician and will take my position seriously.
    Right, everyone get your kit off and bend over.
    Sx

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  12. Is Miss Scarlet planning on adding this to her list of services on offer?

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  13. nonononononono.

    eye bleach STAT!!!


    xoxoxox

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  14. * extricates self from sun bed *

    Put me down for two Super Detox Purification Total Energy Renewal Optimal Health Fat Flush Anti-Aging Miracle Cleanse Solutions in quick succession!

    And would you excuse me, Mistress MJ - I'm a little bit on fire.

    * minces out flaming *

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  15. MAGO: Dung!!

    We recommend Miss Scarlet’s Japanese “Uguisu no Fun” beauty treatment…

    a facial made of nightingale droppings.

    SCARLET: I am honoured to be the official Infomaniac beautician and will take my position seriously.
    Right, everyone get your kit off and bend over.


    Ayem8y seems keenest.

    I would lower the caffeine level on his enema lest he get out of hand.

    We hope you will find your new position at The Infomaniac House of Beauty most enjoyable.

    Are the clients big tippers?

    PRINCESS: Is Miss Scarlet planning on adding this to her list of services on offer?

    We here at the Infomaniac House of Beauty MUST get a huge sign made up so we can say to our clients…

    “Just look for the big pair of legs with the cellular phone in between them”.

    SAVANNAH: nonononononono.
    eye bleach STAT!!!


    The current health and safety laws do not permit Miss Scarlet to use eye bleach.

    IVD: * extricates self from sun bed *
    Put me down for two Super Detox Purification Total Energy Renewal Optimal Health Fat Flush Anti-Aging Miracle Cleanse Solutions in quick succession!
    And would you excuse me, Mistress MJ - I'm a little bit on fire.
    * minces out flaming *


    Excuse me? What did you say?

    We only caught the bit about “MINCES OUT FLAMING”.

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  16. A pox on your apothacaries gunge
    Natural beauty , like what I got , needs no enhancing

    Why can I smell burnt mince ??

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  17. Birdcrap maybe at least not as dangerous as Elizabethan arse-nic. Smells a bit like burnt weenie in here ...

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  18. I have no idea, Beast. Have you left the dinner on again? Ahem...

    I only meant, you try walking manfully with Velva smeared about your person after being on the sunbed too long. Who knew Velva was so combustible?

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  19. BEAST: A pox on your apothacaries gunge
    Natural beauty , like what I got , needs no enhancing
    Why can I smell burnt mince ??


    Miss Scarlet informs me she has a miracle cure for your itchy bumhole problem.

    Oh, and see comment from IVD, further down.

    MAGO: Birdcrap maybe at least not as dangerous as Elizabethan arse-nic. Smells a bit like burnt weenie in here ...

    This takes me back to the time IVD burned off his eyebrows.

    The stench lingered for days.

    IVD: I have no idea, Beast. Have you left the dinner on again? Ahem...
    I only meant, you try walking manfully with Velva smeared about your person after being on the sunbed too long. Who knew Velva was so combustible?


    We have no desire to hear horror stories about your inflamed Velva.

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  20. I dislike the term 'beauty fluids'. That doesn't sound beautiful. Like the 'oil of old lady' that I have personally used-what's with the non-flattering nomenclature? I only want products with names like 'MJ's face flatterer' or 'Miss Scarlett's Mist of beauty'. I'll be waiting in the day-spa.

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  21. ps I just came from my Doctors office. According to the larger-than-life poster on the exam room wall - kabuki is happy to announce that i do not have a 'prolapsed vulva', nor do I want one. Just sayin. KEGEL - it does a vulva good.

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  22. KABUKI: I dislike the term 'beauty fluids'. That doesn't sound beautiful. Like the 'oil of old lady' that I have personally used-what's with the non-flattering nomenclature? I only want products with names like 'MJ's face flatterer' or 'Miss Scarlett's Mist of beauty'. I'll be waiting in the day-spa.

    Care to sample Mistress MJ’s Wrinkle Repellent?

    Slather it on ALL your wrinkly bits and feel the difference.

    KABUKI: ps I just came from my Doctors office. According to the larger-than-life poster on the exam room wall - kabuki is happy to announce that i do not have a 'prolapsed vulva', nor do I want one. Just sayin. KEGEL - it does a vulva good.

    Mistress MJ has been known to confuse Kegel with Kugel, the tasty Jewish side dish.

    We here at the Infomaniac House of Beauty do not recommend exercising with a noodle casserole between your thighs.

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  23. Yeah, a bottle of booze will do ... where the corckscrew flies.

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  24. I use Velveeta Creme myself. It keeps me nice and smooth and creamy, and the residue is handy for snacking.

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  25. MAGO: Yeah, a bottle of booze will do ... where the corckscrew flies.

    Müller-Thurgau?

    JASON: I use Velveeta Creme myself. It keeps me nice and smooth and creamy, and the residue is handy for snacking.

    Now in convenient aerosol form.

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  26. MAGO: Und Ich liebe Dick!

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  27. XL: So you keep telling us!

    Why not rent out space on a billboard?

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  28. XL: I think we've heard quite enough on this topic.

    We've moved on to another post.

    Why aren't you first yet?

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  29. What? No ginger in the back passage? You're slipping Miss Scarlet

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  30. JOANNA CAKE: What? No ginger in the back passage? You're slipping Miss Scarlet

    Don’t mention the “G” word around Miss Scarlet.

    ReplyDelete