Monday, November 19, 2007

World Toilet Day

What are you doing to celebrate World Toilet Day?

For starters, you can tell us your most embarrassing or traumatic toilet stories.

My list of toilet horrors is endless but let’s start with the earliest frightening loo memory.

It all started when my family took a road trip from Canada all the way down to the Deep South of Alabama to visit kinfolk.

I was 2 years old at the time so my memories of the drive are a bit sketchy until we reached a tourist trap where we stopped for refreshments.

Wee MJ got overly excited when she saw an outhouse. I don’t know if this was because I equated outhouses with good times or because I just needed to empty my teeny tiny bladder.

I bounded out of my parental unit’s grasp and made a run for the outhouse. Before my mummy could grab me, I opened the door of the outhouse and let out an ear-piercing shriek.

It wasn’t a real, functional outhouse at all. It was a “gag” outhouse!

What happened there would put me off clowns for years to follow.

You see, upon opening the outhouse door, a spring-loaded, life-size clown popped off the toilet seat and into my face! The shock! The horror!

The following year, I would experience yet another toilet terror.

3-year-old MJ fell into the toilet! Well I had a tiny bum and the toilet is made for an adult-sized arse.

I then hallucinated that a swarm of bees flew up from the toilet bowl!

It’s a wonder I don’t have a toilet phobia today, isn’t it?


  1. okay MJ just for you:
    when i lived in japan...i didn't know their toilets were eh significantly different (they are like a urinal on the floor)...i have never been good at pissing in the woods as i invaritably end up with wet i was trying my best balancing act while holding my jeans up and in walks a male, who began pissing right next to me...there were no stalls and i wasn't aware until that time that some toilets are for both men and women...another lesson learned...

  2. Well I'm not sure if it was my embarrassing or traumatic story Or Connie's.
    One drunken evening I decided that I needed a piss so I went off to the loo done what I had to do then took off my robe, rolled it up like a pillow and placed it on the floor behind the door. I got down put my head on my robe and passed out. Then about 15 minutes later Con wondered where I was. So walked up to the toilet door and tried to open it and couldn't. I can't remember how long it took or how he managed to get me out. I'm sure Connie will carry on with the ending.

  3. I spent an hour or two one evening keeping lesbians out of the male toilets at work. It was getting very tense when one lady approached me and tried to get round me to the male toilets. I said, no love not for you, to which the person in the dress, white lady sandals, long blond hair replied 'Here mate, I'm a man." in a big booming man voice. The lesbians loved it, I abandoned my post and all of a sudden our gentlemen's conveniences were unisex......

  4. I was having a sit down and innocently decided to look through the peephole to my left. At the very same time the occupant of the adjacent toilet decided to do the same thing. I thought it was a mirror as he had similar glasses to mine. There then ensued a Groucho Marx type scenario until I eventually realised he wasn't me.

    Or there was the urinals in Portugal where I had seven short old men lined up, watching me take a piss. I felt like a dirty Snow White.

  5. When the Host was young, he didn't like to sit for long in case something horrific came bursting out of the bowl. Like a crocodile or rat, or something.

    Never bees, though, you weirdo.

  6. DAISY: I’m here to help you pee like a man.

    TATAS: Connie? Please fill in the blanks. And did you take advantage of the situation, Con?

    MANUEL: Great story. There’s a bar here with a separate door for gents and a separate door for ladies but once you’re inside the toilets, it’s unisex.

    GEOFF: I don’t think that hole was a “peephole” Geoff.

    A “Dirty Snow White”…*titters*

    That could explain the Google search I got for “dwarf wanking.”

    IVD: I’m certain you used your toilet bowl as a witch’s caldron.

    “Round about the caldron go
    In the poison'd entrails throw.”

  7. My first hesitant trip to a Europee-an unisex facility took about 5 beer...
    by the end of the night I was takin a few sips and running back to chat with the Ladies..

    I was absolutely blown away by the experience!

  8. HE: Did you follow the ladies’ example and pee sitting down?

    RIMMER: And you’re just realizing this NOW?

  9. I think I knew you were weird, I just continue to be amazed as the depth and breadth of your weirdness.

  10. Okey I was taking a nice long crap and this one turd wrapped around the shitter and poked me in the ass. Scared the shit outta me.

  11. RIMMER: I've been rather restrained all this time, I thought.

    Perhaps I should start another blog for the truly weird stuff.

    WAITRESS: Scared shitless!

  12. Bees?? You weirdo!

    Good job you didn't fall down the bidet.

    WV bddyt

  13. To continue:

    I walked to the toilet and called Tatas several times asking if she was ok with no reply. I then knocked on the door and when she did answer banged on it with my fist and shouted for her to answer me.

    Concerned I tried opening the door but it wouldn't open. I knew that there wasn't a lock on the door and several things with which to remove your brain through a large hole in your head between the toilet and the door.

    Concern decided he was bored so he left and his bigger brother panic decided to turn up. Shouting furiously I pushed hard against the door and managed to get my arm in ... for the door to swing back and shut on it.

    Pushing harder against the door I managed to get my head and shoulder through and put my foot against the base of the door to prevent it swinging back on me. Looking around I could see Tatas on the floor, robe wrapped up and under her head, fast asleep and snoring gently.

    I eventually managed to rouse her and got her to bed.

  14. 17 years old.
    first time in a unisex toilet, partying at The Red Balcony in Portland. No door on the stall, only a low partition. in the midst of getting rid of the extra beer two young men entered, noticed my feet, charmingly excused themselves... and before I quite realized what I'd been excusing them for I ended up chilling my buns while these gentlemen proceeded to do the brown lambada several inches away from where I was sitting. how did I know? a. the position of their feet, and b. everyone clapped for us when we came back outside. it was hysterical!

  15. SID: “Buzz” off.

    CONNIE: I would have just left her in there.

    FN: What do you do for an encore?

  16. I'm not in to all that unisex stuff but I do get into trouble when I tap my feet while having a dump in a public bog. Its nervous energy.

  17. KNUDSEN: Are you tapping your feet to the beat of Robert Plant's "Big Log" while you're on the bog?

  18. My Word! Can we please just talk about doing number 1?

    No I don't put tissue on the seat (nyeh) that would imply that I would ever 'go' in a public can simply avoid these situations altogether with a modicum of preparation.

    By simply having my kitchen staff prepare breakfasts that are full of fibre, the angels can retreive my waste matter on a regular basis, and in the privacy of my domicile, far from the prying eyes of the great unwashed.

    When I was a lad my Nanny described in great detail how I would die of septic systemic inflammatory response syndrome and endure multiple organ dysfunction were I to even consider participating in such ghastly lower class behavior.

  19. HE: Your shit doesn't stink either, does it?