Friday, November 02, 2007

Win a Day With MJ

You lucky devil! You could win a day with MJ!*

Imagine you can spend a whole day alone with MJ.

Where would you go?

What would you do?

What would you talk about?

Well? Type, bitches!

*not really but play along** anyway

personal note: ** you do know the meaning of “play along” don’t you Smunty?


  1. Ha fucking ha.............

    You do know the meaning of caught unawares don't you, cuntchops?

    Check your email, she-devil.

  2. Why would anyone spend the day with you on purpose?

    Just kidding, you are ab fab darling but since it won't really happen why would I play along?

    Gosh, I could be sleeping now - I need a mimosa

  3. I would take you to the finest KFC restaurant where you would buy me a bargain bucket, then to the pub where you would ply me with drink all night then out for a curry (which you would buy) and back to my hoose for a 5 second hump and then sleep. Sounds good doesn't it?

  4. It would involve snow, beer (lots!), a good feed of back bacon, and then both of us checking out Old Knudsen's site to send him messages to make his old crinkly face smile for once!

    Naked butt skiing optional, but highly recommended. We've not seen YOUR butt yet MJ. I'm sure there are people that check this blog that would like to see it - and others that would just denigrate it.

    I'll figure out what camp I'm in after I see your butt on a pair of skis going across a frozen lake with a beer in hand. After all - any jackass can ski - but takes a pro to ski and drink and toke at the same time... I'm just saying.

    That would be my night for you - frozen arse on the tundra under northern lights and the promise of frostbite in places you'd not wanna have frostbitten. Unless....

  5. "*not really but play along** anyway*"

    Phew! Thats a relief.

  6. I'd take you up on your offer but the Pope and Hilary Clinton are coming over to my place for a spot of paintballing.

    Thanks for your kind offer anyway.

  7. SMUNTY: “Haughty Steve” not “hottie Steve.”

    Remind me never to call you for phone sex.

    No wonder Carly drinks.

    CYBERPOOF: I thought we could watch AbFab reruns together, sweetie, dahling.

    KNUDSEN: Haven’t we dated before?

    NWT: Okay let me get this right, eh?

    Back bacon plus beer plus toking plus skiing.

    That’s a recipe for me arse-end-up in a snow bank, farting the Canadian National Anthem.

    Are you turned on yet?

    PIGGY: I was so looking forward to visiting Penistone with you.

    SID: *imagines your imaginings*

    GARFY: Paintball?

    I thought we’d stay in and shoot speedballs!

  8. My day with MJ:

    0500 – A short 5k morning run together through the forest preserve

    Ok, even I couldn’t keep a straight face writing that.

    0830 – A breakfast of fruits, cheeses, baguettes and belinis by the ocean.

    0915 – I fend off MJ’s sexual advances at the breakfast table, feigning bowel trouble

    1000 – A walk along Rodeo drive, stopping off at a few shops to buy some pretty things for MJ to wear throughout the day.

    1045 – I fend off MJ’s sexual advances in the dressing room, feigning surprise as she fondles her penis.

    1100 – A short limo ride to the hospital to get MJ stitched up after she learned that “No” means “No”.

    1245 – A quaint luncheon of tapas and sangria, enjoying delightful conversation about things political, religious and pornographic.

    1320 – I tip the wait-staff, apologizing for MJ’s disruption as she slides under the table insisting on fellating me. I politely fend of yet another sexual attack.

    1430 – Horseback riding

    1435 – After calming the horses back down (they caught sight of MJ and bolted), I turn off the video camera and politely ask MJ to stop doing that to the horses genitals.

    1540 – I get my receipt for posting bond and filling out the appropriate paperwork to have MJ released from the local lock-up. Promising that she will, indeed, show up for her court date and further promising that apart from that day, she will never set foot in the state again.

    1630 – We stop by the hospital again as MJ’s delirium trauma gets worse (she hasn’t had a drink in almost an hour.

    1700 – I sit patiently waiting for the sedative to wear off. Apparently MJ tried to mount a female doctor who happened to bend over to pick up something.

    1900 - Drinks at the local hot-spot

    1920 – Further under-the-table money is passed around to all in attendance, insuring that nobody sues as MJ dances nude on the bar, swinging her penis, the chain reaction of vomit and blindness is half amusing, half disturbing.
    2030 – A lovely dinner at a fancy restaurant. Enjoyed by all as MJ passes out in a corner.

    2200 – I push MJ in her shopping cart, along with all her worldly possessions back under the freeway overpass where she was first discovered.

  9. That seems like a typical MJ day, I imagine.

    Was she doing the horses bareback?

  10. *can't comment*

    *laffing to hard at Rimmy's*

    Make sure you get flea-dipped after that day there, Rimmy.

  11. *adjusts Rimmer's martingale to prevent him from holding his head so high*

    *invests in martingales for Haughty Smunty, Tazzy and Piggy, and Maidy as well*

    *snaps riding crop smartly and exits*

  12. We'd get the train to Manchester and go to the Granada Studios and have a pint in the Rovers, some Betty's hotpot....

    Wait a minute, I'm dreaming. The Granada Studios is shut.

    Let's get pissed at Blackheath instead.

  13. GEOFF: No, don't tell me it's closed!

    I was looking forward to a bacon butty at Roy's Rolls and an Eccles cake.

  14. Now who would pass up spending a day with someone who wears red and black striped stockings under a lumpy green diaper with a bottle of Jamesons stuffed between a snapper?

  15. Well MJ
    Your a girl right
    Theres me washing to do
    Me house to clean
    A little light sewing
    Laughing at my jokes
    being decrative
    and if your lucky......

  16. Wait...MJ is a GIRL!?!?!?


  17. WAITRESS: How dare you refer to The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts as a lumpy green diaper?!

    *makes note to update The Definitive History of the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts which are now in Galveston, Texas*

    Waitress, take back those words or you won’t stand a chance to win The Shorts and keep them in the good ole U.S. of A.!

    BEAST: Don’t lump me in with your cleaning bitches Frobi and Mr C.

    I know about the housecleaning episode in your kitchen with the pitchforks and flamethrowers.

    And please send them by to mop up the vomit that RIMMER just left behind.

  18. I'd take you to Radio Shack to help me pick out printed circuit boards. Then off to your house to play Xbox games until 4am. We'd drink peppermint schnapps until you pass out. Then I'd steal $50 from your purse, shave your back, and climb out the bedroom window - so you get to wake up broke, wet, and confused.

    I'm sure our next date would involve you throwing heavy objects at me while I ducked and read poetry to you.

  19. awww, I think SOMEONE has a crush on MJ. Only stealing $50 bu...hey, wait a minute...since when does MJ have that much money?

    And the back MJ's tribe that's as good as married.

  20. Yes we have dated before, this time I am prepared to removed the bag from yer head during sex (only doggy style and I'm the giver)

  21. MAN: What kind of poetry?

    The one about the man from Nantucket?

    I like that one.

    RIMMER: Clipping my ear hair is considered first base.

    Don’t even think about sharpening those scissors.

    KNUDSEN: I suppose you’ll want to leave your hat on though.

  22. I don't know MJ. That beetle juice hosery you got going on sure can make a gal wet. And I'm straight mind you.

    And before you ask, Yes I'm a drunk blogger.

  23. That's a fabulous idea sweety darhling

    Let's watch AbFab

    I've never seen the episode with Stephanie Beacham

  24. WAITRESS: All you American bitches are drunken bloggers.

    I'm going out on the town tonight and will probably tie one on myself.

    As for your moisture problem, Knudsen's our resident expert on wet gunties.

    CYBERPOOF: Stephanie Beacham?

    Truth is that you want to watch Dynasty reruns.

  25. Ab-so-fucking-lutely

    Especially the last few seasons

  26. *walks in*

    Did I just hear that there's a straight drunken female here??

    *cracks knuckles*

    Step back folks and let a professional handle this.

  27. If you don't pick Herr Rimmeister I'll eat my hat. That was truly inspired.
    C'mon Boys it's all over but the cryin'!
    Tell'em Gordie...
    "At 7am MJ's hatchway caved in,
    She said fellas it's been good to know ya."

  28. HE: Sing it Gordie...

    "And all that remains is the faces and the names
    Of the husbands and sons and the punters."