Sunday, November 18, 2007

How Not to Decorate

Welcome to a new series on Infomaniac entitled, “How Not to Decorate.”

I’ve been known to travel hours through the night to attend design exhibitions in New York City, Montreal and San Francisco. Yet despite my great love of design, I have a lot of useless, stupid shite in my home.

This series is your window of opportunity to view some of my ghastly home decor. Normally, I would charge admission but for you bitches it’s free.

I realize that I’m in danger of Colin and Justin performing a Home Heist on me for what I am about to display but it’s a risk I’m willing to take.



Do you have an item in your house that can top my clown oil painting for its crap design appeal?

Email a photo of it to me and I’ll collect enough pics to do a posting of Infomaniac readers’ shite.


  1. cracked me up this morning...i have been trying to "help" some people here with "decorating" somehow i don't seem to be able to get across to them how this stupid shit doesn't belong on your walls, unless it is in the kids room...definately not in the living room ffs...
    my father's first wife was nuts over clowns...the whole house had clowns all over, wall hangings, figurines, calendars, you name it she had it...always creeped me out a little but she was a lovely woman and was more of a mom than mine ever was...i guess i can't begrudge her the lack of taste in decorating...

  2. That painting is fucking awful.

    That's the kind of paintng that's always in houses that mysteriously burn down.

    It's SID, isn't it?

  3. Oh god I don't think I've seen anything this ghastly since the painting of the dogs playing cards.

    I want to know the story behind it. Why did you buy/get it and why on earth have you not burned it?

    As you already know, I don't have any awful decor so alas I can't send you any pictures. Maybe if you do a series called fabulous homes someday? *grins*

  4. So we've exported the lovely Colin and Justin to Canada.
    Do you want the lovely Tazzy and Piggy as well or can we keep them?

  5. Knowing you, MJ, I bet those clowns are naked from the waist down.

    Is that green chin some kind of fungus?

    I'm afraid we've only got some Edward Hoppers here. Yes, I know, very 1990s.

  6. anything by constable....shudder

  7. DAISY: Your father’s first wife was nuts about clowns?

    That’s why she’s now the ex.

    PIGGY: I can’t be certain it’s SID as I didn’t paint it myself.

    The green stuff on his chin would certainly indicate that it well could be SID.

    CYBERPOOF: What are you on about?

    The Dogs Playing Poker collection is classic.

    You Danes know fuck all about design anyway.

    Anyway (Piggy’s favourite word) I snatched the painting out of someone’s trash. Can you BELIEVE someone through this in the bin?

    “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.”

    KAZ: Oh for fuck’s sake, keep Piggy and Tazzy!

    And confiscate their passports.

    Besides, they’ve got a load of shite in their house and I’ve noted they haven’t emailed me the pics yet.

    GEOFF: Oh Geoff, you rascal for putting thoughts of nekkid clowns into my head!

    I’ll never look at that painting the same way again.

    *removes frame to see if it reveals naughty bits*

    The green stuff is radioactive fanny batter.

    SID: He can’t hear your screams in Hell.

    MANUEL: Too bad your birthday’s passed. I would have got you a Constable.

    Oh well, Crimbo’s coming up.

  8. We have no shite in our house, yu cheeky cunt.

    Only a vast array of technological gadget goodness, which would be of no interest to thick cunt you.

  9. in this case another mans trash is anothers trash

    it's bloody awful

    and by the way Danes are responsible for some of the worlds most classic and fabulous designs. Everything from lamps to electronics through to womens fashions and furniture

  10. PIGGY: I’ve seen your window treatments and they’re shite.

    CYBERPOO: Don’t get your Danish knickers in a twist. I was poking fun at you regarding the Danish design.

    I especially like Arne Jacobson’s style, particularly the Ant Chair.

    And I intend to attend the Danish Way of Living exhibition soon.

  11. Fabulous!

    I don't get the wooden monkeys and elephants though

    They aren't hideous, just strange

  12. actually mj she was the ex because my mother was 23 years younger than my father and a saying that...she advanced to cunt soon after and maintains it well

  13. Oh for the love of fuck MJ; now I know why they make you live in Canada. That is truly truly truly godhorrid.

    *secretly covets clowny goodness*

  14. DAISY: Yay for cunts!

    FN: *considers smuggling it across the border*

  15. Isn't it rich?
    Isn't it queer,
    Losing my timing this late
    In my career?
    And where are the clowns?
    There ought to be clowns.
    Well, maybe next year.

  16. HE: Don't bother, they're here.

  17. The green stuff is radioactive fanny batter.
    I'm sure you have plenty MJ.

  18. MJ...i had to learn somewhere now didn't i...just prepares me to blog :)

  19. I'm white trash so you know I topped yer clown sister!

  20. We went through a stage of 'loving' anything by Thomas Kinkade. They have all been stowed away now. But have been replaced by plenty of equally shite wall coverings.

  21. TATAS: I hope you put on your HazMat suit before entering this blog.

    DAISY: Especially on this blog.

    WAITRESS: The pic you emailed me does indeed top my clown painting.

    Amazing, but true.

    SMUNTY: I’ll bet you still play with your Thomas Kinkade postman jigsaw puzzle.

  22. Jesus fuck on a stick, what kind of sick bastard has a picture like that? I bet its above yer bed near the collection of creepy victorian dolls that watch you with those eyes that close when they lie doon, I bet you have ducks on yer wall and flower pot holders made from shells, piss, fuck, wank and do da, get some of the fab five commenters to give you some tips, not piggy and tazzy they are too rough trade if ya know what I mean.

  23. Sorry, no can do on my end. I have nothing but the best of painting decor in storage of course.

    Damn, I need a home. Soon, soon, my dear child, and I will put your clown painting to shame.

  24. KNUDSEN: The clown painting is next to my life-size cardboard cut-out of Old Knudsen.

    AWA: I betcha you’ve got knick-knacks made out of shellacked goober peas.

  25. MJ: Of course I put my HazMat suit on, I don't want to catch anything from you.