Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Harsh Toilet Tissue

There is no form of human illness QUITE so humiliating as rectal trouble...


FEAR OF SPLINTERS in harsh toilet tissue led to a successful advertising campaign (1920s & 1930s) that made Scott the world’s largest manufacturer and exporter of toilet tissue.

One brand, Sani-Tissue, was treated with balsam to ensure softness. 

An ad warned that "after 40 years of age, doctors say you have one chance in two of contracting some form of rectal disease." The cause? "Harsh or impure toilet paper."

You can read more about it here.

So how about you? Do you feel susceptible to the troubles caused by harsh toilet tissue?

44 comments:

  1. Harshest toilet paper? At the Royal Navy base in Singapore in 1971! Geez, that stuff was more like wax paper.

    Interestingly, each sheet did have a royal logo watermark and words to the effect of "PROPERTY OF H.M. GOVERNMENT."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LX: Wax paper? If only you’d had one of our handy kitchen wrap dispensers.

      Delete
    2. How many PLY do you suppose the Royal household uses?

      Delete
    3. The RN stuff was one-ply, with visible wood chips!

      The Royals? They probably have someone do that for them, likely from Scotland.

      Delete
    4. LX: Probably the head of “Yes Scotland.”

      Delete
  2. Toilet paper? I am still using the neck of a warm live goose.
    The Queen probably uses a swan.
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MISS SCARLET: I’ll never look at a roll of White Swan the same way again.

      Delete
    2. have i never mentioned the flock i have, expressly for this? my problem has always been washing the shit off the squawking
      gooses.

      i've never shared this with anyone,
      but i kinda like it when they nip me.

      Delete
    3. BITCHES: If you haven’t stopped eating foie gras yet, now is the time.

      Delete
  3. Romans in the decadent phase used fledglings, medieval monks large foliage. The worst is what the German state provides, kind of sandpaper.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MAGO: Sandpaper?

      One of the largest companies in the toilet tissue industry is AB Grigiskes of Germany. They’ve specialized in toilet paper and HARDBOARD production since 1923.

      That explains it.

      Delete
    2. I am sorry Mistress, but I have had never heared about this company until you mentioned it. "AB" implies that it is a "aktiebolag", a Swedish form for a company.

      Just checked their history, they are in the Baltic, in Litauen. The only German connection is that the Wehrmacht burnt them down while retreating '44.

      The German state buys the cheapest things only, so I think they take care for official arses with no-name-products, leftovers from other assembly lines. Hardboard fits. But to be fair, I never spotted wood chips as LX did.

      Delete
    3. MAGO: Did the Germans leave a trail of burning toilet tissue behind on the heels of their jackboots?

      Delete
    4. The army left behind a lot of burning shit, that's sure.

      Delete
  4. My grandma used to have that shiny white Izal medicated toilet paper in her 'little room' very unforgiving on the buttocks, totally non absorbent as it smeared everything around and it made your nipsy bleed. You can still buy it from Tesco.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MITZI: Can you imagine trying to deal with the results of a dodgy curry with nothing but Izal?

      Delete
  5. I always carry plenty of sheets of Charmin Ultra-Soft bathroom tissues with me, all nicely tucked in a zip lock bag.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Apparently, in Roman times the loos were in long open rows and a stick with a sponge on it was used to wipe your bum with. It would be passed along the row with unfortunate consequence for whoever was at the end.

    Hence the phrase "I got the shitty end of the stick."

    Jx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. JON: Ha!!!

      When in Rome and all that. Although this makes me want to head on over to the Vomitorium.

      Delete
    2. "A vomitorium is a passage situated below or behind a tier of seats in an amphitheatre or a stadium, through which big crowds can exit rapidly at the end of a performance. They can also be pathways for actors to enter and leave stage."

      Not a place to spew while thinking of Roman lav habits... Jx

      Delete
    3. Thank you for this, Jon: Where the masses are disgorged.

      Delete
    4. JON: Roman emperors Claudius and Vitellius were bulimic. Where were they to purge?

      And yet bulimia is a Greek word.

      Delete
    5. ...and a lovely name for a baby, too. Jx

      Delete
    6. JON: She has a twin sister, Anorexia.

      Delete
  7. OK,OK,...I travel with Charmin Ultra, too.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. GROUCHY: You can use the Charmin Ultra to cover your escalator handrails as well.

      Calm down, Huggy Jon.

      Delete
    2. Fine then! Don't expect me to share with anyone of you. Bring your own crack cleaning equippement, bitches!

      Delete
  8. I use my patented Anal Bleach Wipes. They're moist, kill rectal disease germs and keep my rosebud sparkling pink.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Well, as someone who is losing 24" of colon in 20 days (surgery to remove third to relieve diverticular disease), I can tell you that when your poop pipe has an issue, life is literally crappy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cookie, best wishes for the procedure.

      Delete
    2. In the words of Saavik: "May your (poop's) journey be free of incident" - once the procedure is over, that is.
      I second the best wishes, Cookie.

      Delete
    3. Good luck!

      **performs shaman healing dance**

      It's actually the rain dance but what the heck, I just renamed it.

      Delete
    4. Good Luck. Make sure your doctor washes his hands before the procedure. Doctors are nasty fuckers.

      Delete
    5. There will cake waiting for you when you feel up to it, COOKIE.

      We'll be thinking of you and wishing you well.

      Delete
  10. I don't feel susceptible any more, however when I was but a baby witch at infant school, the loo paper was little better than tracing paper. Somewhat like the wax paper that's been mentioned already, I shouldn't wonder?
    Of course, now that we're a fully fledged witch, we just magic it away!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MR. DeVICE: Don't make it appear by magic here!

      Delete
  11. I believe the Duchess of Windsor had her maid place toilet paper, pre-torn from the roll, in three section lengths, on a crystal tray in her bathroom. Or was it Doris Duke? One of those pissy rich bitches.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MICHAEL: Right you are!

      It was the Duchess of Windsor. And her toothpaste was squeezed onto her toothbrush for her by staff.

      This is something I should look into. Volunteers?

      Delete
    2. i volunteer to hold the
      tube, but i will not squeeze it.

      Delete