Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Planet Oz

This posting is dedicated to Infomaniac’s Australian readers.





It appears that this is Australia Week in our blogging circle as both Dinah and T-Bird have posted about Australia too.

And now it’s Infomaniac’s turn.

Laugh as I expose my limited knowledge of The Land Down Under to you.

I know little of this great nation. I’ve never visited Australia nor do I have friends or relatives there.

Here then for your entertainment is everything Infomaniac knows about Australia in a nutshell.




You dress funny...


Cork hat




Your music has a sound all its own…


Didgeridoo




Carrot panpipes and flutes




Your foods are both salty…


Vegemite




And sweet..



Tim Tams: "two and a half inches has never been so satisfying"




And your culinary customs are most peculiar…


Tim Tam Slam





You have your own beer…


Foster’s Beer



Which inevitably leads you to engage in beer-related activities…




Darwin Beer Can Regatta





You’re a nation of sportsmen…


Tunarama in Port Lincoln … men and women compete to see who can throw a frozen 8-10 kilogram tuna the farthest.







Camel races in Alice Springs






Cockroach races in Brisbane




A land of unique and fascinating flora…


Baobab tree



And fauna…



Platypus




Tasmanian Devil




Bilby
Bilbies have their own Appreciation Society




And geological marvels…


Stromatolites





Your towns have names that make us titter…



Like Iron Knob and Tittybong.




Your Christmas occurs in Summer!…






You’re an inventive people…


Boomerang



You have an artist who paints with his penis…


Pricasso (Tim Patch)




Canada has the Sasquatch. You have the Yowie



Statue of a Yowie



AND a man in search of the Yowie…


Tim the Yowie Man




Your films are delightful…










Your telly tickles me…


Dame Edna



Kath and Kim




You have your own unique literature…



Australian Bush poetry




And you have a way with words…

Yobbo = loudmouth; someone uncouth
Billabong = waterhole
Grog = plonk; cheap liquor or wine
Dunny = outhouse
(And so many more… fill me in on these for I am but a simple Canuck.)




Your legal system is to be commended…



It is illegal to wear hot pink pants after midday Sunday.




And finally…

Australia is in the future…



Sydney and Brisbane, for example, are 17 hours ahead of me!



So there you have it. The sum total of Infomaniac’s knowledge about Australia.

Can you add more? What do you know about Australia?

Go on. Enlighten me, bitches.



Note: Infomaniac will not be updating until Thursday.

75 comments:

  1. aussies live in hollow trees and eat dogs. they like the colors green, purple and greenish purple. they say
    DRONG
    WONG
    BOOBYKNOCKER
    and they like to poo outdoors.


    it's all true.

    ReplyDelete
  2. i was forcefed cuervo for my birthday. can you tell?

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  3. NATIONS: Put down the bottle and sing along to José Cuervo.

    Now wait a minute
    Things don't look too familiar
    Who is the cowboy who is sleeping beside me?
    Well he's awful cute
    But how'd I get his shirt on?
    I had too much tequila last night

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi there love your blog. I grew up in England and have lived here for the last 30 years. You gave a pretty good synopsis of Australia. There are many things you missed out, but we all would have a different take wouldn't we. A couple of things to say. I have been to Iron knob, it is the epitome of a mining town. Cultural life nil, hole in the ground, massive. And your knowledge of Australia is probably much more than most Aussies. Many of them don't seem want to know much about there Country.
    And lastly we are quite warm down here. I hear from some distant relatives in Canada that you freeze your tits off much of the year.
    Cheers Mark x

    ReplyDelete
  5. GRUMP: Welcome to Infomaniac!

    Was it easy to make the adjustment living Down Under? Do you miss anything in particular from back home?

    My tits are still intact as I currently live in the temperate (i.e. wet) part of Canada but a couple of our readers from Winnipeg (more aptly named WINTERpeg) just got snowed upon.

    Let me know what else I missed out on. I’m interested in your take on things.

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  6. Miss MJ you missed kangaroo's and dame nelly melba but did include two of the vilest food stuffs known to man
    vegemite - poor mans marmite
    and Timtams......yuk

    ReplyDelete
  7. I know that babe was made in New Zealand 98% sure. I also know that Australias are cunts and lock their daughters in cellars for 24 years for sex, also that Hitler was Australia fuck I hate those bastards and they don't drink Fosters they export that shite to us.

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  8. Australian, see how angry I am? close enough to being German I'd say.

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  9. BEAST: Marmite?

    Oh yes, we have marmites in Canada too but they’re nothing like kangaroos.

    You’re making no sense at all.

    Did Nations spike your baked beans?

    KNUDSEN: Fosters is brewed in Canada by Molson.

    We have a term here, “Molson Muscle” which means “beer belly” in Canadian speak.

    Hence the Australians are responsible for making our men fat and lazy.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Strewth, Sheila! What about the sisters Minogue? And Jim Dale. And Nicole Kidman?

    There's also Ayres Rock and Spike.

    And Castlemaine Four X. Australians wouldn't give a XXXX for anything else.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Aussies say that Foster's is Australian for crap beer lol. Never met an aussie who liked the stuff.
    You missed koalas, look so fuzzy and cuddly - bad tempered and will piss on you if they get the chance.

    ReplyDelete
  12. convict at work3:44 AM, May 06, 2008

    They've got the majority of the world's most poisonous snakes.


    And spiders.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I luved the Baywatch episodes that were shot in Australia!

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  14. And don't forget 'Neighbours' which gave birth to Kylie and her boyfriend Jason Donavan (who is not even a tiny bit gay!).

    It's been going strong over here for over 20years.

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  15. Australia is entirely filled with sand apart from an area about 100 yards wide at the edge all the way round where everybody lives... The rest is empty. Apart from sand of course. By the way. I got a job. Did I mention that at all?

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  16. there is an aussie who takes in dobermans for people who no longer want them...we have been cobbers for years...and he is lovely...

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  17. Umm..nah that just about covers it! Apart from Fosters...it really does suck.

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  18. Kath & Kim, John Pilger, Daevid Allen, Sam Sparro, to name but a few.

    Australia is no cultural backwater.

    ReplyDelete
  19. IVD: Kylie, oh heavens.

    CyberPoof will be along shortly to chastise me.

    He’s peeing his panties in anticipation of her Copenhagen concert.

    And Spike?

    Pardon me for missing one of your Flying Monkeys.

    LOST: Welcome to Infomaniac!

    Where the LOST are free to wander around and poke about in the cupboards.

    Help yourself to a Tim Tam.

    CONNIE: And Convicts.

    You missed CONVICTS!

    EROS: I imagine you loved ANY Baywatch episode shot anywhere.

    KAZ: As a devoted Corrie fan, I can’t give my time to Neighbours.

    EastEnders sapped the life out of me as it is.

    I’ve heard that Australia is the only country even further behind in Corrie episodes than Canada.

    MUTLEY: Congratulations on your new position as head chef at Café Cunt.

    I hope your version of chickpea curry is better than Beast’s.

    I noticed that you gave hugs and kisses to Frobisher and not to me.

    And called him “lovely”!

    DAISY: Do you think he’d take in that nice doggie on top, er, above you?

    *thumbs through Aussie-Canuck dictionary for 'cobbers'*

    DORA: I’ll cross it off my list of places to visit then, shall I?

    GEOFF: And unlike Canada, they are not responsible for giving us Celine Fucking Dion.

    ReplyDelete
  20. i'm taking notes still, sugar! xox

    ReplyDelete
  21. Australia is where I am going to retire because it is the 'kewlest' place on Earth!

    Had to laugh at Knudson's homage to Dumb & Dumber...when the model says that she is from Austria and Jim says, "Well G'Day Mate..let's throw another Shrimp on the Barbie"..priceless.

    Australia is what we could be like if we weren't joined at the hip to you know who. Take this simple test name 20 unique things about Australia..no problemo..now name 20 unique things about Canada..
    ((BUZZER))
    I'm sorry time is up but thanks for playing.

    ReplyDelete
  22. SAVANNAH: I shall be expecting a report on my desk by lunchtime.

    DONN: I'll take "Unique Things About Canada" for five hundred dollars, Alex.

    You're getting ahead of yourself, Donn.

    We'll be playing that game at a future date here on Infomaniac.

    In the meantime, Stompin' Tom Connors!

    ReplyDelete
  23. 2 things about canada? shit thats easy:

    gouda camembert cheddar blue sapsago edam molson limburger feta jack parmesan ricotta cream reggiano Labats, Moose Jaw, Mounties,

    ummmmmm....

    colby swiss and emmentaler.

    ReplyDelete
  24. NATIONS: Pay attention.

    We'll get to Canada, and cheese, in future.

    Now back to Australia.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I got nothing, except you put up a picture of my dogs; bilby's are actually chihuahuas.

    and it took me 20 minutes to page through this entire post and now I've used up my all of my blogging time. Great.

    ReplyDelete
  26. BOXER: I know you've been over at Old Knudsen's so don't go on at me about using up all your blogging time.

    You'd better watch your step or dingos will eat your chihuahuas.

    ReplyDelete
  27. they dont get drunk, they get a piss on or get pissed! much like canadians! and they have sharks too! lots of em...

    ReplyDelete
  28. Kaz mentioned Jason Donovan not being the tiniest bit gay. I bet she couldn't type that with a straight face. Tee-heeee!

    You forgot TV/Radion host Rove McManus, he is so lovely.

    Also you forgot TV series such as Home & Away, Young Talent Time and Cell Block H.

    They hosted the 2000 Olympics in Sydney and Waltzing Mathilda is their unofficial national anthem, no?

    The guy from Nip Tuck and Charmed, Julian McMahon is Aussie and was married to Dannii Minogue (Kylies younger sister)

    ReplyDelete
  29. It's obviously Radio, not radion

    I must have been joining FN for her birthday party

    ReplyDelete
  30. VOICES: Why should I worry about sharks?

    Have you seen the teeth on Boxer's chihuahuas?

    CYBERPOOF: I thought I was the Queen of Useless Information until you came along.

    *hands crown over to CyberPoof*

    *and another cocktail that he really doesn't need*

    ReplyDelete
  31. i dont much fashion folks with "kick me" dogs... something about a snarling little yapper makes me want to kick it... sorry folks, thats just plain logic.

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  32. i going there .. soon! for a holiday!!

    *very excited*

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  33. VOICES: You’re going to have to answer to Boxer and she’s got a mean right hook.

    BITTERSWEET: Have fun but remember not to wear hot pink pants after midday Sunday.

    ReplyDelete
  34. "mean right hook" is that another way to say "small football shaped dog"?

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  35. Dumb & Dumber? whats that Hitler loving cunt saying? I'll knock him oot.

    ReplyDelete
  36. VOICES: *waits for Boxer to come by and give you a smackdown*

    KNUDSEN: *waits for Donn to come by, both of you to get nekkid and covered in oil and wrestle*

    ReplyDelete
  37. *hops from one foot to the other hoping for some "smackdown"*

    is that austrailian for icecream? i love me some icecream!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Useless information?

    I'm outraged!

    What do you call useless information? Those were all very informative things about Australia

    Frankly I'm a little shaken.

    Wait, a crown? Uuuuuuuh SHINY!

    ReplyDelete
  39. Oh man! I'm jealous! Have a swanky time beotch!

    Oh, and THANK YOU for a post I can actually read and comment to at werk! You are sick. That's why I keep coming back. LOL!!!

    ReplyDelete
  40. VOICES: *shoves a lolly in Voices' gob*

    CYBERPOOF: It's more like a tiara, actually.

    RANDOM: Jealous of what? I'm not going to Australia. Bittersweet is though. Are you talking to Bittersweet or to me?

    Or are you jealous of my crown? You can't have it. CyberPoof just snatched it out of my hands.

    ReplyDelete
  41. No. One. Throws. Shrimp. On. The. Freaking. Barbie.

    We call them prawns, folks.

    Awesome post MJ - that just about encapsulates it all! Except for the Drop Bears, of course.

    ReplyDelete
  42. *spits out lolli-pop and stomps away, kicks small dog off sidewalk and opens warm beer that was in back pocket*

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  43. T-BIRD: Thanks. That means a lot coming from the Aussie princess herself.

    All hail!

    Now what the heck is a drop bear?

    CYBERPOOF: Next you'll want my sceptre.

    VOICES: I gave you the fuzzy end of the lolly.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Ooh, it took me a while to find Inner's "dissing" of my fair pooches..... but again, I had to scroll past too many pictures and comments and now I'm too tired to punch.

    **picks up oil meant for Knudsen and Donne and plans dinner**

    ReplyDelete
  45. BOXER: Did I complain about having to scroll through all your dog photos only to find that you didn’t post a single pic of dogs sniffing each other’s butts or humping legs?

    No, I did not.

    Hand over that oil. It is intended for nekkid male blogger wrestling only.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Oily old men ... well fun in the colonies ... tiara, scepter - a whip and an artificial beard?

    ReplyDelete
  47. Ooops! My bad...thought you were going to Australia...but I DO want your crown. I'll fight you or Cyberpoof for it!!! DAMMIT!!!

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  48. OK, but they may not like the garlic I added.

    Or, maybe they will.

    ReplyDelete
  49. i was told that cobbers means we are good mates...if you find out different tell me please...lmao...

    btw...when i want to freak out my rat terrier i ask her "did a dingo eat your baby" in a really horrid aussie accent...she will immediately bite whatever or whomever is closest to her...i don't know why...the damn dog is nuts i tells ya!

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  50. MAGO: If you’re telling me you want to wrestle Old Knudsen nekkid, covered in oil while I look on with my crown and sceptre, go right ahead.

    I’m not wearing the beard though, you perv.

    RANDOM: CyberPoof fights like a girl.

    He’ll pull your hair and stab you with his pointy claws.

    BOXER: They’ll say they can’t stand the smell of the garlic on each other’s breath.

    But it’s a smokescreen they use so we think they don’t want to kiss.

    You need to get inside their minds if you’re going to be a real champ.

    DAISY: You would be more of a mate if you were a cobbler instead of a cobber and could make me a nice pair of Jimmy Choos.

    ReplyDelete
  51. Oooh! I am a Princess! Yay! I've always wanted to be one!

    A drop bear = not real. Australian dickheads like to tell tourists to watch out for a special kind of bear that will drop out of gum trees and scalp, maim and blind the unwary traveller.

    There's enough angry wildlife here without making shit like that up.

    ReplyDelete
  52. The movie Sirens is the funniest/best expose on how many different creatures there are that can kill you Downunda..HA!

    Canada's wildlife is best described in the movie Goin' South.
    "The closer you git to Canada, the more things there are that'll eat yer horse!"

    ReplyDelete
  53. T-BIRD: As Princess, you may have a sceptre as well.

    Or being that you are a member of The Coven of Hags, perhaps you would prefer a magic wand?

    Don't accept IVD's warty wand if he offers it.

    DONN: I looked up "Sirens" on IMDB.com and the plot keywords are "Female to Male Foot in Crotch."

    I should imagine that yes, depending on the force of the foot, this can kill you.

    ReplyDelete
  54. MJ: I've always been a fan of large phallic stuff. You know that, hand it over.

    Random: I've got a stick and I'm not afraid to use it *grins*

    ReplyDelete
  55. filthy friday better be good this week , after leaving the same post up all week.
    Big old lazy canadien baggage

    ReplyDelete
  56. CYBERPOOF: I’m sure Random has nothing to fear from your little twig.

    BEAST: Me lazy?

    That’s rich coming from someone who leaves the same posts up for 10 days in a row while he’s out applying salad cream to his thighs at the spa.

    Why I ougtta…

    ReplyDelete
  57. Excuse me?

    What are you talking about? Little twig *shakes head*

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  58. hey! there are AUSTRALIANS in australia! nobody said that! there are! really! lots and lots of them! did you know that all australians are born NAKED?
    then they crawl up their mothers stomach and up underneath her wooly jumper and fasten themselves onto her jugular vein where they will spend the next three months absorbing her brainwaves until they leave her a spent, mindless husk? then they drop off and bound away, hop hop hop, off into the vast forests and golf courses of the australian outback, a steakhouse restaurant which comprises nearly 3/4 of the australian land mass.

    it's true.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Wrestling with Olde K.? Greek-roman you think ... naw, he's a little smelly and parts of his body are already in the state of decomposition.

    I thought of you as a kind of egyptian pharao, that's for the beard: They had an artificial one to wear as an insignum of power, as the whip, tiara-like crown etc. Oh, where is the crown now, still in Denmark?

    ReplyDelete
  60. CYBERPOOF: Don't shake the head of your twig in my direction.

    NATIONS: You've made all that up, haven't you?

    I'll ask you to stop misleading my readers.

    And when are you going to get a toilet planter for your front lawn and make a proper garden out of it?

    MAGO: Did you see how Knudsen's wanking finger fell off?

    CyberPoof is waiting 'til I fall asleep so he can nab the crown and take it to Denmark.

    Not only that, I have to give him something else he wants on my blog on Thursday. No, I can't tell you. You'll just have to come back and see for yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  61. Now that I have this sceptre with a great big jewelled knob on the end I am going to ride my platypus down to the billabong and throw some shrimp on the barbie. The boxing kangaroo said he'd be there, and so will the yowie.

    We're all going to crawl up to your jugulars and SUCK YOUR BRAINWAVES!

    First Nations, that was the most awesome comment I have read for a long time.

    ReplyDelete
  62. CYBERPOOF: Milk?

    Not unless there's Kahlúa in it.

    T-BIRD: Nations will hypnotize you and grind you up into compost for her garden.

    The garden that is in need of a toilet planter on its front lawn.

    She knows what I'm talking about.

    ReplyDelete
  63. Wanking finger ... it's just power tools: Survival of the fittest ... neo darwinian smut ... no, did not see how he done it ... Prince of Denmark in waiting? See you on Thor's day, wigallaweia was wotan weihen wolle zur maiden minne mahnend ... brünstige brünnhilde

    To answer your question - Australia, that's an invention by Kafka, Strafkolonie: Fugetaboutit.

    ReplyDelete
  64. um.... isnt it an island? like hawaii? kinda small, lots of locals who dont speak any engilish??? climb the highest hill and you could spit to any of the beaches? i did hear once they had a gold coast... full of really short women...

    ReplyDelete
  65. MAGO: Don't you wiggle your weia at me!

    VOICES: Yes, the women only come up as high as your willy.

    I'm surprised you haven't packed up and moved there.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Australia is great! 1st picture shows the lovely ladies it produces.I love the animals there. Kinda weird but cool.

    ReplyDelete
  67. i would get island fever... the fear of being trapped on such a small spit of land is as bad as the thought of swimming with sharks. i wonder what happens during high tide there? is everything built on pontoons?

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  68. hahahahahaaa! i was comment number 69! yeah...

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  69. oh look and number 70!!! how does he do it folks!?!?!?! its amazing...

    *jumps around like rocky with fist in air*

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  70. anybody want comment number 72??? anybody??? wham!!! me again... ooohhh!!






    *waiting for day to end so he can enjoy some warm, cheap beer*

    ReplyDelete
  71. MYTOES: Careful that a drop bear or a shark doesn't get your toes.

    VOICES: You could use my boobies and Random's boobies as pontoons, couldn't you?

    If you like warm liquid, you'll love Filthy Friday.

    Whoever comments next gets Voices' fist up his/her arse.

    ReplyDelete
  72. boy, that sure got them to shut the fuck up!!! hahahahahaa, does this mean i now have to fist myself?

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