Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Faulty Uterus

Do you have a plush uterus?

If so, I Heart Guts is recalling your uterus for failing to pass a safety standards test.

See those fallopian tubes?

If you pull too hard on them, the ovaries will pop off.

A popped ovary may become a choking hazard.

Oh and just for the record….

Mistress MJ’s uterus does NOT have a smiley face! In fact, it will spit at you and call you a snivelling bastard if you come anywhere near it. Mistress MJ will happily trade her uterus for a handful of magic beans.

On a brighter note, your plush heart, lungs, liver and kidneys are still safe...


  1. I have a plush penis that may make you choke.
    Geez! I can't believe I just typed that.
    You bring out the naughty in me MJ.

  2. These plushy things are just perverted.

  3. They look a little as if they came out of Teletubby land. Is there a Teletubby song? Donn?

  4. JOE: Are you hepped up on goofballs?

    Try to keep your plush parts in your pants.

    MAGO: Does the liver remind you of the purple Teletubby?

    The GAY teletubby?

    Are you saying the liver is gay?

  5. Gay or not, these things are einfach krank. Death to teletubby, any single creature.
    Gay Liver - a friend of Longjohn Silver?

  6. These look so ... fluff-able!

  7. Is there an I Heart Guts gall bladder? Always my favourite internal organ.

  8. I would like a I heart guts alimentary tract....you could wear it like a scarf

  9. My spleen excels at venting.

  10. I've got plush man boobs.

    That is all.

  11. Don't worry mj - I have spent all my life trying to keep my uterus well away from children.

  12. Moi aussi, ladies.... although I have known the occasional child that I would have loved to see choke...

    Did I say that out loud? Oops...

  13. MAGO: Death to teletubby

    You started it!

    Uh oh…looks like I got the kidney and the liver mixed up!

    The purple one is actually a KIDNEY, not a liver. The yellow one is the liver…that makes sense…jaundice/yellow/liver.

    I need to go back to anatomy class.

    XL: These look so ... fluff-able!

    Prepare them for my afternoon nap then, would you?

  14. CYBERPOOF: Have you seen their Heart of Gold ?

    It’s perfect for you…made out of gold lame!

    IVD: Surprised you could get out from under SP long enough to comment.

    BETTY: Here’s your plush gall bladder, full of bile.

  15. BEAST: I would like a I heart guts alimentary tract....you could wear it like a scarf

    With the number of gastric incidents you have, you’d have to change your scarf as often as your underpants…. that’s not daily though, is it?

    GARFY: My spleen excels at venting.

    Har. You’ll need the Smells Like Spleen Spirit t-shirt then.

    MAXI: I've got plush man boobs.

    Does Herself use them as pillows?

    KAZ: Don't worry mj - I have spent all my life trying to keep my uterus well away from children.

    Seems there’s enough of us to form a club.

    I’m sure we could get Betty in on it too…if she has the gall.

    SCARLET & PONITA: See comment to Kaz.

  16. The Women of Infomaniac are no mothers, dude!

  17. That looks more like a stomach than a uterus.

    Perhaps if they tied the tubes, they wouldn't have to worry about any children.

  18. The red one goes better with my décor. Or it should have been Heart of Silver

  19. Well at least that pink uterus hasn't got Bingowings.

  20. Now see, this is just ridiculous. We just had a flood, and then I wake up this morning and theres MJ's uterus looming over Main Street, standing in the burning wreckage of Bobs' Red Apple Mart and brandishing a tour bus full of Koreans. Please call off your uterus. We've been trying to chase it up toward the old abandoned windmill by brandishing torches at it. Lack of an abandoned windmill has proven to be a distinct obstacle however.

  21. There should be a handbook, "Uteri chasing for beginners". Could become a series.

  22. When I was 5 i saw a diagram of the female body + i thought the Fallopian Tubes were Outside the body!
    What does "Fallopian" actually mean anyway? Were they discovered by some great Ancient explorer or doctor? ..................Professor Fallop??????

  23. MAGO: The Women of Infomaniac rock.

    And I need to update that link. So much to do, so little time.

    EROS: Maybe if we gave you a vasectomy, we wouldn’t have to worry about children.

    CYBERPOOF: More like Heart of Glitter. And sequins.

    KAZ: Nor is it wearing bells and naked Morris Dancing.

    KYKNOORD: Welcome back. Where have you been?

    Having a colonoscopy?

  24. NATIONS: *straddles Main Street, facing Wall Street and tosses SUVs aside and asunder, tears roofs off local homes and businesses in search of Nations’ Egyptian Penis Dude.

    My uterus has questions!

    MAGO: You’re just FULL of ideas, aren’t you?

    The fecund Franconian frontal lobe.

    TONY: *Googles*

    A 16th century Italian physician named Gabriele Falloppio who was an expert on syphilis.

    What body part or disease would you like to have named after you? Oh wait, that’s a whole other post idea, isnt’ it?

    *scribbles note to self*

  25. my uterus has expired! no need to worry, i did my part for humanity 4 times!!! xoxox

    (so, the plush bits are for those too squimish for the invisible woman or man?)

  26. I have a plush spleen and have been on meds for years. It isn't a laughing matter.

  27. SAVANNAH: my uterus has expired! no need to worry, i did my part for humanity 4 times!!!

    Your uterus deserves a holiday!

    Paris? Rome?

    Or wherever Infomaniac Airlines flies?

    KNUDSEN: I have a plush spleen and have been on meds for years. It isn't a laughing matter.

    Neither is the dose of plush syphillis you gave me.

  28. Since most of us men couldn't pick a uterus out of a Police Line-up and on an even sadder note, many wouldn't know a clitoris from a Ford Taurus, I suggest that the Ladies talk amongst themselves about these delicate Women's Issues until MJ whips out the boy parts.


  29. DONN: You do not need to be a postdoctoral scholar to find a lady’s bits.

    What do we have to do?


    No no no…being a man you wouldn’t stop to ask for directions.

    You’d take the wrong turn-off and keep on driving!

    Well? Am I right or AM I RIGHT?

    And for heaven’s sake, remember to take your socks off while you’re attempting to navigate.

    *hands spelunker’s helmet to Donn*

  30. Took me all flipping day to think of that...

  31. so, this is where the other half of HE readers land.
    my gawd, you're as mad as he is.

    and i love it.

  32. SCARLET: Lucky you!

    Your plush brain doubles as a soft football.

    MISTIPURPLE: Welcome to Infomaniac!

    HE (Donn) and I are both Canadians if that has anything to do with it.

    Would you care for some poutine?

  33. you're too kind.
    a fair exchange of a porridge filled with pigs' innards of the finest kind for a fair friend of the west.

  34. MISTIPURPLE: Such generosity!

    But wait! Don’t go away on an empty stomach.

    It’s gotta be KD.

    No, no. Thank YOU.

  35. What on Earth are these horrible things for? Am I the first person with any sense to visit this blog and ask that obvious question....?

  36. MUTLEY: I use my uterus as a spare handbag.

    It’s of no use for anything else, quite frankly.

    You can stuff quite a lot in there…the morning paper, a paperback novel…

    I understand Miss Scarlet keeps an spare pair of knickers in hers.

  37. My tubes are tied so if some child chokes on my ovaries, I want to know how the hell it got in there!

    Men haven't a clue how to navigate our parts unless we lend them a hand and show them where to go, and what to do once they get there.

    Then some actually remember that route... and a few even figure out alternate routes once they know the first one!

    MJ, I don't know that haggis is a comparable trade for poutine....

  38. I could quite do with a new liver....

  39. PONITA: Men haven't a clue how to navigate our parts unless we lend them a hand and show them where to go, and what to do once they get there.

    Would a flashing neon sign help?

    MJ, I don't know that haggis is a comparable trade for poutine....

    What do you suggest?

    I don’t know MistiPurple well enough to know how she stocks her pantry.

    If she has chocolate-covered HobNobs, I might be interested.

    MUTLEY: I should think you’d be more concerned about the mange.

  40. I wax and have no mange ... do you ?

  41. MUTLEY: Perhaps you would be interested in BEAST's merkin?

    He's sick in bed asleep with the MANFLU so you could easily sneak in and snatch it.

  42. One would think she could easily get her hands on chocolate covered Hobnobs.... much better than haggis, I would surmise, but then I have not tasted either.

    And per your question over at Donn's, a black tank top, with black sweater pull down off my shoulders. Why do you ask?

  43. I've seen some freaky shit on your blog, MJ, but this is freaky-ist.

  44. PONITA: I asked what you’re wearing on Donn’s blog because you said, “And fashion... good gawd, there's a lot of people talking about what they wear!”

    You MUST try HobNobs! Mistress MJ is addicted and blames her British readers.

    BOXER: Should I change Filthy Fridays to Freaky Fridays?

  45. Ah... at the time of that comment at Donn's, I was still in my uniform from work... fashionable for scrubs! I thought you meant my avatar... *blushes*

    I will try to find some Hobnobs. Do they sell them at Safeway?

    You could always change the name to "Freakingly Filthy Fridays".

  46. PONITA: Do you have London Drugs in Winnipeg?

    They sell HobNobs there otherwise you’ll have to find a British specialty shop…the kind the British ex-pats shop at.

    They’re made by McVitie’s … get dark chocolate instead of milk chocolate but plain are tasty too.

    I’m outta here…will post something new several hours from now.

  47. I'm in luck! We have one... count it.. ONE... London Drugs here. Will have to take a trip there to buy some.... I will have to blame you if I get addicted....

  48. MJ, Safeway here carries Hobnobs (plain), McVities Digestive biscuits in plain, milk chocolate covered and milk chocolate with caramel sandwiched between the biscuit and the chocolate.

    Damn... I am doomed.

    It was a good thing I had not eaten supper before going to the grocery store... because I certainly don't need to now!

    I. Am. Hooked.... *sigh*

  49. Still no boybits to speak of...and now the Ladies are talking about fashion and chocolate. Maybe I'll just sing a little song while I'm waiting..

    Midnight at the oasis
    Send your camel to bed
    Shadows paintin' our faces
    Traces of romance in our heads

    Heaven's holdin' a half-moon
    Shinin' just for us
    Let's slip off to a sand dune, real soon
    And kick up a little dust

    Come on, Cactus is our friend
    He'll point out the way
    Come on, 'til the evenin' ends
    'Til the evenin' ends

  50. and SCENE!

    Okay everybody out..shows over..
    don't you people have homes?

    turns off house lights
    and locks the door.

  51. PONITA: Milk chocolate with caramel sandwiched between the biscuit and the chocolate?

    Although Infomaniac bitch Kapitano had this to say about them…

    “There are also hobnobs with caramel and chocolate, but they're not so good - if eaten without dunking the hardnesses and textures of the biscuit, chocolate and caramel somehow clash, and you wind up still chewing the caramel after you've swallowed the rest. Dunked, they become more homogenoue, but with a dense, concretelike consistency.”

    Yes, you are DOOMED as doomed can be.

    For more British biscuit suggestions from our bitches, click here.

    DONN: But you won't need no harem, honey
    When I'm by your side
    And you won't need no camel, no no
    When I take you for a ride.


    Lost control for a moment there.

    Would somebody wave a slab of chocolate under my nose?

    Damn his Donn-Juann ways.

    DONN (again): You’ve gone and broken the spell now.