Monday, January 12, 2009

Banish Those Bingowings

Ladies: If advertisers haven’t already convinced you that you’re too fat, too old or too ugly, read on.

Now they want you to focus your attention on those pesky problem areas: your flabby underarms and your thunder thighs.



Bingowings (noun): Large, loose flaps of skin hanging from the upper arms.

The term “Bingowings” appears to have originated in the bingo hall custom of raising your arm and yelling “Bingo!” when you think you’ve won.

Do you suffer from wobbly bits and loose, droopy skin such as bingowings or jiggly thighs?

Try Slim Tape!

Can’t afford liposuction?

Try Slim Tape!

Hate exercise?

Try Slim Tape!

Slim Tape takes the wiggle out of the wobble!


145 comments:

  1. FIRST!FIRST!FIRST!FIRST!FIRST!FIRST!
    FIRST!FIRST!FIRST!FIRST!FIRST!
    FIRST!FIRST!
    FIRST!FIRST!FIRST!FIRST!FIRST!


    SUCK ON IT!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. ....sorry. It's just that I'm usually about 21st.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wibblewobble?
    Is that the geriatric session?






    Yay first.

    ReplyDelete
  4. THIRD!!!
    THIRD!THIRD!THIRD!THIRD!THIRD!THIRD!
    THIRD!THIRD!THIRD!THIRD!
    THIRD!THIRD!THIRD!THIRD!
    THIRD!THIRD!THIRD!THIRD!THIRD!

    yeah baby!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. *looks around in panic*


    ....is he gone?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Don't you have some water to bucket away?

    ReplyDelete
  7. *run past in the other direction, naked*

    ReplyDelete
  8. Chasing naked Indian women over blooming meadows might become a new hobby ...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Just WHAT THE HELL is going ON in HERE???

    ReplyDelete
  10. Mistress, maybe Nations and Mago are giddy about the Slim Tape™!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Naked Indian grannies. Slim taped. Hell, Franckenhäcker - mach' mich glücklich ...

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'll Slim Tape the lot of you to your bedposts if you don't shut up!

    ReplyDelete
  13. .... mnmdnghtapemnmawwgazong ...

    ReplyDelete
  14. *runs past covered in duct tape*

    ReplyDelete
  15. YIPPIEH YEEEAHH WE WILL WIN THE DERBY

    ReplyDelete
  16. NATIONS, there is not enough Slim Tape in the world to bind your ginormous gazongas to stop them from flapping all over Whatcom County and MAGO, this is NOT a contest. Put down the lady with the big bosom and behave yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  17. "Bringt Stricke und bindet mich ..."

    ReplyDelete
  18. *picks self up off ground, brushing off footprints and peeling off bits of tape*

    I was trying to say something about my bobbly bits, but got run over by Nations and Mago and several rolls of duct tape...

    My gazongas are not as crazy big as Nation's, but I can make them bobble if I want to!

    Don't own bingowings, thank gawd. Besides, I am allergic to every tape known to man, so I couldn't use Slimtape, even if I wanted to.

    I wish Mago would translate everything into English.... I have no clue what he is saying half the time.

    *walks away frowning*

    ReplyDelete
  19. MAGO: Das hört sich schon besser an!

    PONITA: *gives Ponita a set of sequined tassels*

    Here ya go. Can you make your tits swing in opposite directions?

    Mago is speaking Franconian.

    None of us understands a word he’s saying.

    Just nod your head politely and help me bind him with Slim Tape.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Ponita he said to bring cords and bind me.

    Jeezuz this IS craaaazy?! but I'd sure like to try some of whatever Nations is smokin...maybe half.

    ReplyDelete
  21. DONN: Mago said to bring cords to bind YOU?

    I thought HE wanted to be bound!

    Oh well, whatever.

    Take a number.

    There's plenty of SLIM TAPE to go around both of you.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I've got a lasso... I can hogtie the both of them. Who needs tape when you've got a good rope?!

    *swings lasso over head and lets it fly*

    Ha! A Franconian and a Canucklehead in one loop!

    ReplyDelete
  23. And thanks for the tassels, MJ. I will have to practice swinging them....

    ReplyDelete
  24. Donn, Nations is on a natural high.... from all the flood waters steeping the plants in that so called 'hay' field across from her house.

    ReplyDelete
  25. "Bringt Stricke her und bindet mich,

    Dann schleppt mich zu den Füßen meines Herrn,

    Dem ich in meiner Blindheit Trotz geboten,

    ... "

    Friedrich Hebbel, Demetrius

    "Bring ropes and bind me,
    drag me in front of my dominatrix
    I afronted in my blindness ..."

    Hebbel is an obscure German poet of the 19th century. You find him on wikipedia.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christian_Friedrich_Hebbel

    "Frankenhäcker" is cheap white wine from the gas station, 1 liter for 3,99, 12 %.

    "Mach' mich glücklich" means as much as "make me happy".

    No more frowning! :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Mago, are you sure they aren't selling you petrol in that wine bottle? Seems to be making you a might nutty.

    But then again, that might be a natural state for you.... being Franconian and all.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I'm just going to lurk for a while..
    do go on.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I'm um...gerade, das geht, für eine Weile zu lauern...something like that...
    gehen Sie weiter.
    as you were

    ReplyDelete
  29. Donn, being trussed up like a turkey means you have no choice but to stay put....

    Of course, you are aware that Mago is trussed up right next to you, aren't you?

    ReplyDelete
  30. Damn why are these keys so sticky?

    ReplyDelete
  31. What the hell...?

    Are you trying to speak Franconian too? Spit it out in English, man! It's hard enough trying to decifer one man, let alone two...

    *harrumpf*

    ReplyDelete
  32. See this is what you do on TWITTER!

    It's called micro-blogging because you can only use 140 characters per post

    ReplyDelete
  33. Where have your fingers been?

    ReplyDelete
  34. OMG The CBC is talking about the comeback of vinyl?!

    ReplyDelete
  35. So you are admitting to being a twit? Hmmmm....

    ReplyDelete
  36. As in the vinyl you just loaded onto your computer?

    ReplyDelete
  37. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
    Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
    That’s the way I like it, uh huh, uh huh.

    Do a little dance
    Make a little love
    Get down tonight
    Get down tonight

    ReplyDelete
  38. Four comments in one minute... Is that a record, MJ?

    MJ?

    Hellooo?

    *reaches over and turns volume down*

    ReplyDelete
  39. Le Freak, C'est Chic
    Freak out!
    Aaahh FREAK OUT!

    ReplyDelete
  40. I'm not sure what she's doing but she can't seem to hear us....

    ReplyDelete
  41. Nutty? My nuts are alright I guess ... definitely not frozen.
    My natural state is "conscious". Running around with Nations is an experinece I do not want to miss.

    My "Franconity" is another thing, to be discussed when I will have done my Franconia-post. Sorry, there are few of us.

    ReplyDelete
  42. She must have gotten into the stuff that Nations had.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Holy crap! Mago you startled me! I thought you had wandered off.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Get down, boogie oogie oogie
    Get down, boogie oogie oogie
    Get down, boogie oogie oogie
    Get down

    ReplyDelete
  45. Hey?
    Aren't we supposed to be talking about people who start a flabalanche when they raise their arms?

    ReplyDelete
  46. Funny how subject matter mutates, isn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  47. I'm your Boogieman
    I'm your Boogieman
    Turn me on!

    ReplyDelete
  48. I love the little WIGGLE in your ARMS
    The way you cuddle on my shoulder
    But you're too young to know the score
    So come back when you're older

    ReplyDelete
  49. See how I got us back on topic there?

    ReplyDelete
  50. That's called retro, isn't it? What once was, will be again....

    ReplyDelete
  51. Yooooou maaaake me feel
    Mi-I-I-I-ghty real!

    ReplyDelete
  52. So I'd like to know where, you got the notion
    said I'd like to know where, you got the notion

    to rock the boat, don't rock the boat baby
    rock the boat, don't tip the boat over
    rock the boat, don't rock the boat baby
    rock the boat-t-t-t-t

    ReplyDelete
  53. Yeah, Donn, I LOVE Sylvester!

    ReplyDelete
  54. Man, this is a trip down memory lane....

    I suck at reciting lyrics.... you guys rock!

    ReplyDelete
  55. Great!
    Ponita wanted to talk about her wobble parts ...

    ReplyDelete
  56. They are my bobbly bits, Mago. They aren't huge enough to wobble like First Nation's....

    ReplyDelete
  57. I want to thank you falettinme
    Be mice elf agin

    ReplyDelete
  58. You're welcome, MJ....

    I didn't know mice had elves....

    ReplyDelete
  59. Go on, PONITA.

    Shake 'em for MAGO.

    ReplyDelete
  60. Sorry, Ponita.

    Oh MJ ... hello ...

    ReplyDelete
  61. 'Sokay, Mago, I don't know how to say bobbly bits in Franconian... or anything else, for that matter.

    ReplyDelete
  62. MAGO: Speak dirty to us in Franconian.

    ReplyDelete
  63. I'll have to practice with the tassels for a bit first... see if I can get them going in opposite directions.

    ReplyDelete
  64. DONN, we need more tunes!

    Ponita's gonna dance!

    ReplyDelete
  65. MJ Don't get shelved ...

    Ponita Wasn't it Mistress Larue who started this fine art?
    anyway: SWING!

    ReplyDelete
  66. I think I'll practice for Fammy first, before I do a public recital.

    Although if I get good at it, can I have a spot on the Infomaniac Dance team?

    ReplyDelete
  67. When marimba rhythms start to play
    Dance with me, make me sway
    Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore
    Hold me close, sway me more

    I'm channeling DEAN MARTIN now!

    ReplyDelete
  68. Meestress MJ, zee inmetes hefe-a tekee oofer zee esyloom.

    ReplyDelete
  69. Ponita, you have to AUDITION to be with The Infomaniac Dancers.

    XL: Welcome to the esyloom.

    ReplyDelete
  70. Once I'm up to snuff, I will book an appointment to audition.

    ReplyDelete
  71. Ponita: MAGO and I are the judges.

    ReplyDelete
  72. Dean Martin seems right. MAybe some Sinatra ... ?

    ReplyDelete
  73. Only two? I figured there would be a whole panel....

    ReplyDelete
  74. *snapping fingers with hat at a jaunty angle*

    Fly me to the moon
    Let me play among the stars
    Let me see what spring is like
    On a-Jupiter and Mars
    In other words, hold my hand
    In other words, baby, kiss me

    ReplyDelete
  75. Two swingers, two judges! One to one.

    ReplyDelete
  76. Baby, do you understand me now?
    Sometimes I feel a little mad
    But, don't you know that no one alive can always be an angel
    When things go wrong I seem to be bad

    I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
    Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

    Santa Esmerelda version of course?

    ReplyDelete
  77. Listen, bitches, you’ve been a SWELL audience but The Houseboys are running a bath for me.

    *goes out on a wave of Bobby Darin*…

    O the line forms on the right dear
    Now that Mackie's back in town

    Look out Old Mackie is BACK!



    See you in the morning, Bitches.

    ReplyDelete
  78. I know your eyes in the morning sun
    I feel you touch me when we're watching porn
    And the moment that you wander far from me
    I wanna feel you in my arms again

    And you come to me on a summer breeze
    Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave
    And it's me you need to((SHOW!!!))


    How deep is your love
    How deep is your love
    I really need to learn
    Cause we're livin' in a world of fools
    Breaking us down
    When they all should let us be
    Internet porn should be free

    ReplyDelete
  79. 'Night, MJ!

    I'll keep practicing....

    Good night to everyone else too...

    ReplyDelete
  80. HACH ... the nine o'clock blues ...

    "I woke up in the morning,
    and my babe was gone"

    ReplyDelete
  81. 90! Weee!

    You just need to see poor old Madge waving in that Parkinson interview a few years ago.

    ReplyDelete
  82. Ah, so that's the secret to winning Bingo!

    ReplyDelete
  83. 92nd! I've just invented slim staples.

    ReplyDelete
  84. Be back in a minute , just trying to peel all this tape off of First Nations . She is making a right old fuss.

    ReplyDelete
  85. Is there another party?
    Sleepy Brit reporting for duty....
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
  86. you have got to be fucking kidding me

    ReplyDelete
  87. God - I'm a bit late today and all Hell's let loose.
    Thanks mj - but I'll stick with thejumper.

    ReplyDelete
  88. PONITA, DONN, MAGO & XL: I’ll have a word with Ms. NATIONS about cleaning this place up.

    Nations started it!!!

    We were just going about our business here when she stuck her nose in and now look at the state of the place.

    Um, did anyone remember to untie Mago before I went to bed?

    CYBERPOOF: You just need to see poor old Madge waving in that Parkinson interview a few years ago.

    50 years of intense yoga sessions and she STILL has to worry about bingowings!

    EROS: Note that I didn’t make mention of someone’s nickname. Ahem.

    KNUDSEN: I've just invented slim staples.

    But if each staple weighs approximately 33.1mg, some folk are going to have to cut calories to make up for the extra baggage.

    ReplyDelete
  89. BEAST: Be back in a minute, just trying to peel all this tape off of First Nations. She is making a right old fuss.

    Is that your Lurex purple posing pouch on the floor?

    SCARLET: Is there another party?

    Feel free to make your own fun.

    Mistress MJ has cramps.

    DAISY: you have got to be fucking kidding me

    Bingowings are not a joke, Miss Daisy.

    KAZ: Thanks mj - but I'll stick with the jumper.

    If you’re knitting a jumper, would you mind knitting a new uterus for me while you’re at it?

    ReplyDelete
  90. One hundred, Mother Fuckerz !

    ReplyDelete
  91. Hardly seems fair does it?

    Who am I kidding we are talking about Madge. Bwahahaaa!

    ReplyDelete
  92. would anyone like to purchase a silver mummy cast of FN? the inside is kinda fuzzy, but you can breed that trait out of the clones you'll no doubt be making using this cast later on.

    anyone?

    anyone?

    .....hello?

    ReplyDelete
  93. HEFF: I expected you to be 69.

    CYBERPOOF: I've seen better wings and thighs in a bucket of KFC.

    NATIONS: You may have been first but HEFF beat you to 100th by a few minutes. HAAAAAA!!!

    ReplyDelete
  94. I know a song too! I want to sing a song too!


    Monstrous
    and empty fate,
    thou, turning wheeeeeeeeeel,
    art mean,
    voiding
    good health at thy will.
    Veiled
    in obscurity,
    thou dost attack
    me also!
    To thy cruel pleasure
    I bare my back!
    (drum break)
    Thou dost withdraw
    my health and virtue;
    thou dost threaten
    my emotion
    and weakness
    with torture!
    (extended guitar solo)
    At this hour,
    therefore, let us
    pluck the strings without
    delaaaaaaaaaaay!
    Let us mourn together,
    for fate crushes the braaaaaave!!!!
    (guitar solo)

    yeah, yeah, yeah!

    ReplyDelete
  95. too busy rocking out to the swingin sounds of the 1300's. can't hear you.
    (prolonged dulcimer solo)

    ReplyDelete
  96. NATIONS: If you dare play Iron Butterfly's "In-a-Gadda-da-Vida" drum solo, I shall have you forcibly removed.

    ReplyDelete
  97. A long long time ago
    I can still remember how that music used to make me smile
    And I knew if I had my chance
    That I could make those people dance
    And maybe they'd be happy for a while
    But JANUARY made me shiver...

    ReplyDelete
  98. DONN: There is no damn way I'm driving that beat up old Chevy of yours after what happened last time.

    Got there and the levy was dry!

    ReplyDelete
  99. Has anyone seen my occarina???

    ReplyDelete
  100. and what has poor old Bigowings done to be banished ???

    ReplyDelete
  101. BEAST: Has anyone seen my occarina???

    *listens for whistling sound coming from direction of Beast’s bottom*

    Have you looked in your fruit basket?

    Everything else seems to end up in there.

    As for Bingowings, he’s been banished because I have cramps and had to get tough on somebody.

    You’re next if you don’t watch your step.

    ReplyDelete
  102. MOrning ... and when the music's over, turn on the light ... oh GOtt ...

    ReplyDelete
  103. MAGO: There's nothing you can do.

    Your hands are tied...literally.

    ReplyDelete
  104. Did you say ein zwei DRY?
    Then we had better take the '55 Ford?

    ReplyDelete
  105. DONN: As I was motivatin' over the hill
    I saw Mabellene in a Coup de Ville
    A Cadillac arollin' on the open road
    Nothin' will outrun my V8 FORD
    The Cadillac doin' about ninety-five
    She's bumper to bumper, rollin' side by side

    ReplyDelete
  106. 116th!

    So what's all the hub-bub about over here? Oh yeah, Bingowings. I don't think I have those.

    Carry on.

    ReplyDelete
  107. pome in honur of Bingowings banishment:

    I’ve been washed down the sink of your conscience
    In the theater of your love I lost my part
    And now you say you’ve got me out of your conscience
    I’ve been flushed from the bathroom of your heart

    ReplyDelete
  108. ....I didn't write that. It's off the internet. Really. I know, its really good, right? But I didn't write it.

    ReplyDelete
  109. How come everytime you have cramps , I come down with manflu

    Have you got a Beast voodoo doll ???

    ReplyDelete
  110. WW: Last night, as you can see, you missed an informal get-together here with friends.

    Note that two other WinterPeggers made it out of their snowed-in driveways to join us.

    What’s your excuse?

    NATIONS: And here’s one for YOU. I didn’t make this one up either…

    She says not to buy her flowers
    Or big expensive gifts
    She says she don't want jewlery
    And she doesn't need another dress
    If I want to show her how much I adore her
    The best way that I've found
    Is to make sure when I'm finished
    I put that toilet seat down

    BEAST: Our menstrual cycles are in sync.

    Would you like a cup of soothing chamomile tea?

    ReplyDelete
  111. I saw a bear holding an umbrella riding one of those in the circus one time. I did.

    or no wait. isn't that when a bunch of people wipe burnt cork all over their faces and sing 'Suwanee'? In a velodrome?

    *looks around*

    *slinks out in disgrace*

    ReplyDelete
  112. 122nd! the next per three people after me are cunts!

    ReplyDelete
  113. Mistress MJ senses that things are about to spiral out of her control on this blog once again and is taking to her bed with a hot water bottle and a snifter of brandy.

    ReplyDelete
  114. [rushes to fluff Mistress MJ's pillows]

    ReplyDelete
  115. NOOOOO!
    You must watch it all implode,
    it is your destiny!

    3

    2


    1

    *

    ReplyDelete
  116. 128 comments? are you kidding?

    I have nothing to say.

    ReplyDelete
  117. 129th!

    I have come to collect my lasso... forgot to untie Mago last night... sorry, dude! Hope you have feeling in your hands still...

    Was a hell of a party last night! Nations started it all..... crazy bitch! She's one helluva swinger.... and that ain't mentioning her gazongas...

    ReplyDelete
  118. first! a hundred and 31st! yipp-fucking-ee! A hundred and thirty? holy mother of bingo......

    ReplyDelete
  119. Aw! her is gone to sleepie!
    lets sing her a sleepie-time song!


    "And when we're rushing to the night,
    I'm a roll and hold you tight,
    And when we see those police lights,
    It's a clue we should take flight,
    And run away and don't look back,
    While they hide behind their gun and badge,
    You say I'm addicted, partially inflicted,
    But I got what you want and you got what I need!"

    ReplyDelete
  120. ..or wait wait wait i know a better one. 'Cop Killa'

    I got my clown wig on.
    I got my butt plug in.
    I got my lace apron on.
    This shits been too long.
    (prolonged dulcimer solo)
    I got my pacemaker turned off.
    I got my colostomy stent turned off.
    Im bout to bust a nut off.
    It hurts when that happens
    You gotta get stitches
    (a door slams, a woman screams, the moon drips blood onto the sleeping valley below)
    Cuz this is thriller,
    thriller night!
    And no ones gonna save you from the beast about strike!
    You know its thriller,
    thriller night!
    You're fighting for your life inside a killer,
    thriller
    toniiiiiiiiiiiight!
    (tiny black man dances on top of a wrecked car)

    ReplyDelete
  121. Uh oh... sounds like Nations is on a roll again!

    May be a partay again tonight, folks!

    ReplyDelete
  122. There was a farmer who had a dog,
    And Bingo was his name-o.
    B-I-N-G-O
    B-I-N-G-O
    B-I-N-G-O
    And Bingo was his name-o.

    I like trying to stay on topic.

    ReplyDelete
  123. It'll take a lot more than SlimTape to get rid of me!

    ReplyDelete
  124. Bastards, you woke me up!

    Silence, please, as I prepare the next post.

    *throws clown wig and butt plug at whomever is still up*

    ReplyDelete
  125. I tend to only leave one comment per post. Is that okay?

    ReplyDelete
  126. CSI: Sure it's okay to leave only one comment per post.

    Not everyone has a big mouth like Nations.

    ReplyDelete
  127. My hands are still a little insensitive ...

    ReplyDelete
  128. MAGO: Are you typing with your penis?

    ReplyDelete
  129. No, after a night tied to your bedpost my willie and me need a day of recuperation.

    ReplyDelete
  130. what the fuck happened here???? 143 comments? mago & first AND mistress MJ??? cords, tape, naked, jiggly bits??? i declare, sugar, i can't stay away a day without missing something! xoxoox

    ReplyDelete
  131. SAVANNAH: Keep your eye on Mago.

    Remember that the next time he offers you a “hug”.

    ReplyDelete