Thursday, October 18, 2007

SID’s Séance and Wake


SID’s final resting place in his beloved “Muggy”




Here at Infomaniac
We’ll give SID his final craic
So raise your glarse
To SID’s fat arse
And pour the Jamesons down his crack




Join me today as we celebrate the life of SID, our Stupid Irish Daddy.

Dear “Dead SID”: if you’re listening from beyond the grave, I apologize for making you dead but you had it coming to you after posting this.

Now back to our purpose for congregating. We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of SID.

Help yourselves to the enticing finger foods I’ve prepared …





…and imbibe copious amounts of alcohol (as SID would have requested we do, had I given him time before offing him.)





Please enjoy yourselves at this, SID’s Irish wake.

At some time over the course of the festivities, we’ll attempt, by conducting a séance, to contact the Jamesons-laden soul of our dear, departed friend.



Ectoplasmic fantastic


Feel free to converse with him just as you would normally if he were still alive. Or you may wish to ask him questions about the afterlife!



As you know, SID was a private man. For professional reasons, he was not able to reveal his secret identity or post photographs of himself.

All this time I have carefully guarded the personal photos he’s sent to me. But now that he’s dead, what’s to stop me from posting them on Infomaniac?! What’s Dead SID going to do about it? Haunt me? BOO! Ooooo, I’m so scared!

Are you ready?

Here’s a recent pic of our SID, taken just days before he purchased his magnetic cross trainer...






Who knows what fabulous shape he might have achieved had he lived to stick with his new exercise regime?

Why, even his stair climbing routine had taken pounds off his arse!…







Sadly, this is the most recent pic we have of SID…






I’ve lifted his hospital gown to reveal “Wee SID.”…




“Wee SID.” I’ll miss you, little buddy




As you know, SID was my bitch and a damn good wench he was. How I’ll miss our regular “sessions”…








But getting back to the wake...


It wouldn’t be a craic without music so let’s hear it for Garfy on banjo!…




That other Oirish cunt



And Piggy conducting the band…





And now, a toast to SID.


A toast to everyone’s favourite Paddy,
He’s our Stupid Irish Daddy!



Sláinte!


76 comments:

  1. I'm welling up.

    I hope SIDS having a nice chat with my auntie Madge on t'other side.

    She liked 'em drunk and plump.

    God help him.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Gosh! That pic of him nekkid ascending the steps (to Heaven?) is remarkably accurate!

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  3. GARFY: The more SID drinks, the more his belly feels like a big comfy waterbed.

    I just hope your Auntie Madge remembers to remove her hat pin.

    PIGGY: Heaven?

    Keep in mind that pic was taken BEFORE his untimely demise.

    ReplyDelete
  4. He might haunt you there were no potatoes.

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  5. GEO: Welcome back, Trucker Boy!

    You’re just in time for the party.

    No potatoes? That’s because you didn’t get the delivery here on time.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Could SID tell us what is in Richmond Irish recipe sausages?

    ReplyDelete
  7. FROBI: Happy National Sausage Week!

    What are you doing to celebrate?

    Dead SID will be along later to answer your question.

    I believe he's in limbo at the moment.

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  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  9. Richmond Irish recipe sausages consist mainly of testicles, ears, noses, and lips.

    Lovely.

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  10. GARFY: Mmm…delish.

    Had I known previously about this product, we could have ground up SID’s bits into a nice sausage to serve at his wake.

    Oh and Garfy? Until SID gets out of limbo later today, could you please be his spokesperson and answer all incoming questions?

    ReplyDelete
  11. re: The Stairway - Oh, that was a before pic?

    I hope his practise runs were worth it.

    Horrid staircase, by the way.

    ReplyDelete
  12. PIGGY: The pic was taken shortly before his demise when he'd managed to take a few stone off his huge arse.

    He's pictured here on the way to his wardrobe to select a smaller thong to show off his trimmed down figure.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I was unaware that a completely pickled soul could, in fact, leave a body. I just assumed that since it would eons before any decomposition would occur due to the high alcohol content, that it would be much like having a stuffed (taxidermy) trophy. (and I use the term loosely)

    ReplyDelete
  14. He's not in limbo MJ, he's in purgatory.

    Which is what reading his blog was like.

    Boom boom.

    ReplyDelete
  15. RIMSHOT: Perhaps Dead SID can explain when he floats in later.

    And speaking of taxidermy, did I mention that I've had "Wee SID" stuffed and mounted?

    GARFY: Purgatory is right.

    Did you get through Mary Baxter's Chapter 9?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Is 'Wee SID' sitting in prime place on that cabinet in the doll's house?

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  17. PIGGY: "Wee SID" does indeed sit on the cabinet of the doll's house.

    When I'm not sitting on "Wee SID" myself.

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  18. Ewww. It must be like losing an M&M up your snatch.

    Isn't it awful when that happens? Especially when it's too late to stop the crispy candy shell from cracking open and spilling that melted muck - that deluded yanks call 'chocolate' - from inside.

    ReplyDelete
  19. PIGGY: It's more like sitting on a little cocktail weenie.

    Not unlike the photo in this posting of the finger food on a toothpick.

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  20. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  21. Same colour too, I imagine.

    I suspect the stabbed finger food is rather more pleasant on the palate too.

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  22. Piggy conducting looks like Ann.

    Eh, eh, eeeeeeehhhhhh!

    ReplyDelete
  23. how can he be dead if he's doing the limbo? i ask you.
    furthermore, if thats where all the unbaptised babies go, i bet they totally cheat and just,like, crawl, or roll if they're like really little? and then they get away with it because they're all cute.

    those babies make me mad.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Every time I se a pic of Connie (all hands and minus head), it reminds me of Barbara - the local transexual taxi driver.

    This will whoosh straight over the heads of Johnny foreigner, obviously.

    ReplyDelete
  25. FN - Canuck babies crawl along ceilings, with inane grins on their faces and puffing big fat cigars.

    It's practise for their later years when they discover crack and what have you.

    ReplyDelete
  26. PIGGY: “Wee SID” is surprisingly appetizing with a little Jamesons dribbled over him.

    CONNIE: Piggy resides at the same psychiatric hospital as Anne in Little Bentcock.

    Anne is a model patient, in comparison.

    FN: See Piggy’s comment below.

    PIGGY: Barbara the local transexual taxi driver?

    Eh?

    ReplyDelete
  27. *materialises*

    Isn't it quite apt that the annoying Word Verifyer for this particular comment is...

    labea.

    Geo is right not a fucking spud in sight.

    Though what I do have in my spiritual sights is you bunch of cunts.

    Now tell MJ me what were the comments that you deleted?

    I really could do with the abuse!

    C-U-N-T-S!

    *floats out*

    ReplyDelete
  28. I hear spirit voices.

    Didn't understand a fucking word they said though.

    ReplyDelete
  29. And I don't believe for a moment that the last one could float.

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  30. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  31. *materialises*

    Cunts

    All your dead relatives are with me Piggy.

    They hated you too.

    *disappears*

    *invisibly throws vase at Piggy*

    ReplyDelete
  32. DEAD SID: Welcome to your own funeral.

    Please note that some of your guests have asked questions that require answers.

    Interesting that yet another comment has disappeared.

    PIGGY: It's a muck savage spirit talking shite.

    Maybe if he'd get the bottle out of his gob we could understand him.

    ReplyDelete
  33. *materialises*

    How the fuck can I answer??

    Where's the ouija board????

    *vanishes*

    *lifts MJ's skirt up in a whoosh of cold air*

    *vomits ectoplasm over Garfy*

    ReplyDelete
  34. "*vomits ectoplasm over Garfy*"

    Oh. Is THAT what it is?

    *calls in the ghostbusters*

    *remembers vividly the scene with the giant marshmallow man*

    ReplyDelete
  35. DEAD SID: That whoosh of cold air of which you speak is the beginning of a major storm sweeping into my little corner of Canuckistan.

    If I suddenly disappear without warning, my power has gone out.

    Light a candle and continue on without me.

    PIGGY: Mister Stay Puft, the giant marshmallow man, looks like SID, don't you agree?

    ReplyDelete
  36. *channels ghostly voice from MJs extended throat*


    This tunnel's long.


    *turns MJ's neck into corkscrew amusement ride for earthangels*

    ReplyDelete
  37. DEAD SID: How did you sneak in there?

    Don't turn the conversation away from your resemblance to Mister Stay Puft.

    ReplyDelete
  38. MJ - I agree. No doubt about it.

    Dead SID - Tee Hee!

    ReplyDelete
  39. PIGGY: Which one of us wants to go first to Photoshop Dead SID the Marshmallow Man?

    ReplyDelete
  40. Shall we both?

    No. You do it. Then I'll do a better one.

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  41. PIGGY: Right.

    Shall I attach "Wee SID" to Mister Stay Puft?

    ReplyDelete
  42. Will we be able to see it under the folds of fat?

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  43. *travels downwards through MJs body*

    *comes across putrid smell*

    *leaves MJ immediately*

    ReplyDelete
  44. *definitely decides not to enter Piggy*

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  45. I had to google that one too Piggy. I never watched it so have no idea what you are on about.

    I'm firing up Photoshop too for an upcoming post.

    ReplyDelete
  46. It's quite clean, Dead SID. I sat playing on the bidet for an hour today.

    It tickles.

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  47. Connie - Mr Stay Puft is a little like our Little Chef, or the Michelin Man (Bibendum) - but, as with everything yank, much larger than life.

    Well, he'd have to be, given the size of most yanks.

    Fat cunts.

    ReplyDelete
  48. *Floats towards Piggy again*

    EWWW You missed a bit.


    *enters Connies head*

    *enjoys the silence*

    ReplyDelete
  49. I think Connie's asking about Barbara the tranny taxi driver.

    Speaking of Connie, he's posted a pic of Tazzy latched onto SID's fat arse. You are excused from the room for a moment to have a peek.

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  50. i know how SID feels.I've been feeling a little stiff myself all day.........

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  51. Oh look. It's Tony.

    Another filthy Yorkshireman.

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  52. Not Mr Stay Puft you thick northern cunt; I have seen Ghostbusters!

    I meant Barbara the transexual taxi driver.

    ReplyDelete
  53. See? Even I can understand Connie.

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  54. Simple minds think alike.

    So did you find Barbara then Connie? See the resemblance?

    (if not, you will tomorrow!)

    ReplyDelete
  55. What was his name, Tony?

    How old was he?

    How much did you charge him?

    ReplyDelete
  56. I just want to express my admiration for the understated elegance of your sendoff.

    Your photoshopping and visual trickery is beyond comparison. You stand head and shoulders above the great unwashed and I for one appreciate all of your efforts to date.

    Aside from the image of the 2" doodle I thoroughly enjoyed your high spirited presentation. SID is, excuse me, was, lucky to have a friend like you.

    Bravisimo!

    ReplyDelete
  57. *leaves Connie's empty head*

    In answer to your questions for Tony

    Tazzy

    Younger than you

    Nothing

    I seen it all.

    *vanishes*

    ReplyDelete
  58. That is a wee SID...really wee.

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  59. HE: Photoshopping? What Photoshopping?

    Thank you for your kind comments.

    Dead SID should get down on his scabby knees and kiss the hem of my garment.

    If only it wasn't such a chore for him to get back up again.

    DEAD SID: I'm not feeling any pity for you at all.

    I've noticed your year of birth on your tombstone and really, you've lived long enough.

    It's not like you're going to die young and leave a good looking corpse, is it?

    MYTOES: So wee I sometimes don't realize I'm sitting on it.

    ReplyDelete
  60. *materialises in MJs TV*

    Can I run to the light now Mummy?


    *turns on MJs amateur porn videotape*

    ReplyDelete
  61. DEAD SID: Remember that scene when you sat on my face and I turned blue from suffocation?

    It's so much easier now that you're a ghost!

    ReplyDelete
  62. Tell marshmallow (or Michelin judging by his rolls of fat)man to bugger off back to Hades.

    The ferryman doesn't like malodorous drunken Irishmen so he's no chance of getting back across the Styx.

    I bet he has hairy knuckles that drag along the ground like Babs the trannie.

    *wipes SIDs ectoplasm from sleeve in disgust*

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  63. *materialises*

    No,that was the blue rinse in your hair,running down your face.


    Again.

    ReplyDelete
  64. GARFY: Isn't it past your bedtime?

    And WHO IS BABS THE TRANNY?

    DEAD SID: It was the blue rinse from your pubes as I recall.

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  65. Go and fix your rollers SID, you want to look your best for the undertakers.

    Google 'the League of Gentlemen' MJ. All will be revealed.

    ReplyDelete
  66. GARFY: hahaha!

    I found a site with quotes from Barbara and with this one she sounds just like SID...

    "I'm a martyr to my monthlies."

    ReplyDelete
  67. DEAD SID: It was the blue rinse from your pubes as I recall.

    Better that than the Agent Orange you use to kill off your crabs

    ReplyDelete
  68. *materialises*

    *rearranges letters on seance table from "Garfys Tunnock Teacakes" to "OK fancy sucker.Stagnate"

    *floats out

    ReplyDelete
  69. I'm comment number 69!

    YAY!!!

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  70. I'm comment number 70!

    yay

    A 69 with 1 watching.

    The saddest effect SID's demise is the total decimation of the Brazilian rainforest, with all that wood required to construct his gargantuan coffin.

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  71. SMUNTY: Aren't you dead yet?

    I was hoping that mancold had killed you off so we could hold a double wake.

    Now I'm going to have to shell out a lot of cash for extra booze when your times comes.

    ReplyDelete
  72. CONNIE: Ever heard of something called email?

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  73. No, is that one of those newfangled things like the telegram?

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  74. Sorry. Got possessed by Dead SID momentarily.

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  75. CONNIE: Telegrams?

    You'd have to ask Piggy.

    Although I think they were using Pony Express in his day.

    ReplyDelete