Sunday, December 21, 2008

Where’s My Pressies?

Mistress MJ is knackered, having spent yesterday ensnared in the hustle and bustle that is Christmas shopping. Shopping for your pressies, I might add.

The hazards of leaving your shopping this late include getting stuck in queues and crowds and, it turns out, being poked in the behind with a tube of gift wrap.

And the traffic was a bitch, especially trying to transport a harem back in my sedan for Garfer.

Mistress MJ is now ready to receive her gifts from you lot.

Bring it on, bitches.


  1. MAGO: I'm not even going to bother trying to decipher that.

    It's probably something rude in Franconia.

  2. Too distracted to share pressies* tonight.

    * Hand mixed and pressed chemical compound drugs. Urban Dictionary

  3. Forget that x-mas-thing. I'll give you a collection of the best marzipan-sweets ever, handmade and best quality. Covered in black chocolate, with half a nut on top.

    You deserve this and it is a special gift, nobody else on this damn planet gets.
    Calories with an attitude.

    off now.

  4. You're both mad.

    Now let someone else have a go.

  5. My gift to you is to poke you in the butt with a tube of gift wrapping. If I can get two more people to do the same, you will have collected the entire set.

  6. Some new stripey tights - those must be as bad as Beast's duvet by now.

  7. Our gift to you is a big bar of carbolic soap and a tube of Canasten.

  8. [places badly wrapped gift under tree]

    Mistress MJ, something for those cold Canadian evenings. A Snuggie!

  9. A donation of $50 has been made in your name to The National Ballet of Canada

  10. CSI: And if you bend over, i can insert them sideways.

    KAZ: NOTHING is as bad as Beast's stinky duvet!

    PIGGY: Are you in cahoots with KAZ on this?

    Don't you have some boils that need lancing?

    XL: That Snuggie ad says I can wear it while reading or knitting.

    But can I wear it while blogging?

    You had it crap wrapped, didn't you?

    CYBERPOOF: Have you forgotten all about The Infomaniac Dancers?

  11. I have got you a penis shaped Cactus... where shall I stick it?

  12. MUTLEY: Up PIGGY's arse, please.

  13. I Send You Mellow&Positives Vibes From Mytholmroyd ! ("Vibes" are free + I'm A Tight-Arse!!!)

  14. Its already full of pricks aint it?

  15. TONY: I thought you were in Hebden Bridge.

    Where is the planet Mytholmroyd?

    Is it circling Uranus?


    Well, up BEAST's arse then.

    Oh silly me, it's full of bananas.

  16. I simply don't know what to get you for Xmas Miss MJ. But do be careful with that wrapping paper - if it goes soggy it's gonna cause all sorts of problems.

  17. i have some lovely gloves to keep your hands protected but no address...lmao

  18. TOM: How about a horse?

    Surely you can manage that!

    DAISY: Give them to BEAST to protect his dishpan hands.

  19. I have bought Beast 5 kilos of liver as usual...

  20. I shall give you Alyson Hannigans pubes.

  21. They are employed by you, so you give the presents.

    We, the public give them compliments when deserved. That's how it works.

  22. Is a years supply of pain-killers and a hot water bottle any use to you? And perhaps I might even find a new house-boy for you....

  23. MUTLEY: What does BEAST do with all that liver?

    Is it the secret ingredient in Ma Beastie’s Chickpea Curry?

    I don’t see your name on my shopping list from yesterday.

    Would you like a gift from Mistress MJ?

    MAXI: I shall give you Alyson Hannigans pubes.

    And I shall give you a kick up your arse.

    CYBERPOOF: The Infomaniac Dancers wish to inform you of an international sequin shortage, possibly because they’ve been bought up by a certain Dane.

    Send sequins! And glitter!

    SCARLET: I have plenty of all of the above.

    But I’ve heard you can juggle with nuts.

    Would you like to put on a performance for us?

  24. I've just done my wrapping. I've forgotten what's in yours. I'd be grateful if you let me know on the day.

  25. GEOFF: Is it tickets to a West Ham game?

  26. I could put on a pantomime for you amusement... but I will need to audition for a suitable cast. I will need a principle boy, principle girl and a dame....

  27. can I interest you in a small dog that will not go out in the snow to pee? Just let me know what color you like.

  28. *sends jar of bodyglitter and a bag of sequins*

  29. SCARLET: Beast can be the arse end of the pantomime horse.

    BOXER: What colour do I prefer?


    Yellow pee leaves stains.

    CYBERPOOF: It’s going to take more than a jar, the way those poofs go through it.

  30. If I could find a cure for insomnia, I would send you that!

    How about some Pure Manitoba Sunshine, which is blazing through my windows as I type this?

    It may be colder than a witch's tit, but at least it is bright!

  31. PONITA: This has been the sunniest west coast winter (possibly on record?) due to the freak cold snap and snowfall.

    Mistress MJ laffs as the locals try to walk on icy patches and rush out to buy parkas.

    Note: It’s only -6!

  32. I'm giving you a broad named 'Olive' taking a vermouth sitz bath, lady.

    and heres a big 'woo woo' from Opie: *O*O

  33. I have sent you a nice rug , just like the one you like so much in my house :-)

  34. Beast 'matures' that liver up in the deepest recess of his arse (and that means *really* deep), you know.

    It's apparently very exquisitely revolting. His arse, that is - we're not sure about the liver.

    Oh and MJ - we trust you'll be burning the rug to warm away those cold winter nights?

  35. I don't do Christmas I do Kwansol so sorry no present.

  36. I also do tightwad but you have to pay per view.

  37. NATIONS: Sitz on my face and tell me that you love me.

    Long live the spirit of Opie. Woo Woo!

    BEAST: I know you have a new rug so don’t go trying to fob that horrid fireside rug off on me.

    I don’t want your sloppy seconds.

    PIGGY: I’m thankful you’re back to put BEAST in his rightful place.

    He’s been incorrigible since you’ve been away.

    If he isn’t moaning about MANFLU, he’s droning on and on about being up to his elbows at Café C.

    And yes, I’ll burn that rug of his along with his cheap hairpiece to keep me warm.

    KNUDSEN: But 69th in my heart.

    *reaches for credit card*

  38. Hey, this doesn't taste like egg nog!

    [does spit-take]

    Hope you have the best possible Christmas!

  39. Ive had enough of this Im off for a wank...

  40. XL: Merry Christmas to you too, XL!

    MUTLEY: Need a hand?