Wednesday, June 04, 2008

How Not To Decorate Competition – Voting Day

It’s time for you, the judges, to vote for the worst item of home décor sent in by our very own Infomaniac readers.

It’s not going to be easy. Your homes are all full of cheap tat!

Submissions were sent in by Anonymous Boxer, Cher, CyberPete, Dora, First Nations, Frobisher, Geoff, IVD, Old Knudsen, Prunella Jones, Random Chick, Tatas and WW.

There are a total of 19 submissions as follows and they’re in alphabetical order according to the blogger’s name:

#1. Chihuahua Figurines – from Anonymous Boxer

Why is it that if you you’re a dog owner, people send you loads of crap related to that breed?

Such is the case with Anonymous Boxer who has FOUR Chihuahua dogs: Paco, Mickey, Stella, and Lucy.

Her friends have christened her the “Crazy Chihuahua Lady” and insist on heaping useless figurines upon her…

#2. Teddy Bear Chair from Cher
#3. Yogi Man – from Cher

Each of these items is hideous enough on its own but Cher decided to put them together in one pic to double our horror.

#2 is a Teddy Bear Chair that Cher can’t throw out as it was a gift from her mum.

Don’t you think it would look right at home in Tazzy and Piggy’s house?

#3. Yogi Man looks like he’s auto-fellating himself.

Cher says, “I'm not a buddist and hate this yogi man that Rob and I got as a wedding present. I mean really hate it. It creeps me RIGHT OUT.”

#4. Christmas Wreath – from Cher

For someone who said she doesn’t have much crap around the house, Cher has sent us a third submission.

Here’s what Cher has to say about the wreath…

“My other entry is this wreath that was given to me by my 70 year old plus neighbour. Its so tacky, but she made it with her own two arthritic hands, and i feel so obligated to display it outside my front door during the christmas season.

Sometimes I think that the Yogi Man is actually crying because of the tacky christmas wreath.”

#5. Christmas Decorations – from CyberPete

Take a good look at this Santa and gnome sent in by CyberPoof.

For someone who’s always asking me to post pics of buff young men, don’t you think these two look more like the fat old hairy guys I usually post?

Do you have a secret yearning for fat old poofters, CyberPete?

#6. Panther Painting – from Dora

"We have the black panther poster that hangs in the house. The story behind it is one of domestic bliss and me giving in.

When MG and I moved in, I had many different art works. A Mattise and my favourite being to lino block prints from an Australian Author. I hung these around the house and it was all going along fine until about a week into living together she pulled out the panther.

"Where will this go?" MG asked."Ummmm...." was all I could think of.

She tried some different places, but in the end I put the panther in the spare bedroom. The panther scares me. That's just putting it lightly, the whole look of this "thing" is just fugly.

Well it stayed in the spare bedroom until one day I came home and found that my prize Matisse had been replaced with the panther.

"Ummm, why is this here?" I yelled

"I want to put it somewhere, somewhere people can see it! I really like it babe...blah blah blah..." she replied

So I put it in the hallway. My thought is that people will mostly just walk past it and not look directly into the eye of this evil masterpiece. MG thinks it's there because I wanted it on display.


Ahhh, domestic bliss!"

By now you need a break from crap overload so take a deep breath and then go on.

Now on to First Nations who should have a separate category of her won.

First Nations’ submissions will convince you that she has nothing but crap in her household.

I had to limit her to 4 submissions as she was getting carried away on a crap adrenalin high.

#7. Platypus - from First Nations

“He can do the innuendo, he can dance and sing...!
swimmin' in my bathtub-he dont' leave a ring
he fits right in with all my things!
and folds my Dirty Laundry!”

“I got him when I was collecting vintage doggie postcards years ago. He's a hand-painted postcard from about 1908-1920....? in there. And he looked strangely like my Opie dog, so I had him displayed with all the other doggie postcards and insisted it was an aboriginal Opie.”

#8. Alligator Head - from First Nations

“Small alligator head, dried and laquered, with black marbles where the eyes should be. Our buddy Coon Dog used to work as a guide at a gator farm...just like Joe Dirt! And when they went back for a vacation, he brought that back to me as a gift! That, and a half-bottle of hot sauce he ganked off a table at the airport lounge. Because bikers are thoughtful. Strange, but thoughtful.

#9. Aunt Jemima Poster - from First Nations

(click to enlarge)

“Aunt Jemima is a framed ad out of an old magazine. Look closely....nobody gets out of it alive! I particularly love the lobotomized expression on young wife's face, husbands crazed glee and his exclamation, 'Swell pancakes honey! You're a wizard!" De simple, easy directions are on de side ob ebery box!! God, what a country.

#10. Harley Gas Tank – from First Nations

“It’s a Harley Davidson peanut-style gas tank painted with extreme opal metalflake, with a number 13 on it. Which is in my front room, in my entertainment center. My husband uses it as an example piece of the type of paint he does...and it IS a masterpiece of automotive paint technique; this is a really, really difficult and expensive color to shoot. my....HOUSE.”

#11. Toilet Birds – from Frobisher

According to Mr. Frobisher, these are “two lovely plastic birds, not sure what breed, lovingly perched on a tree trunk. This priceless heirloom is cleverly arranged on top of the toilet cistern in the bathroom.

But it doesn't end there, oh no. See the little hole on the tree trunk? Its a sensor and when it "senses" someone approaching the toilet for a dump, the birds break out in beautiful song, tails wagging up and down, to serenade you while you complete your intimate body functions.”

#12. World Cup Willie – from Geoff

Geoff says…

“Attached is a dear possession of mine, World Cup Willie, the mascot from the 1966 World Cup. He was discovered when my parents decorated our newly purchased house in 1966.

He is a very small plastic lion and is mounted on a ball bearing so you can roll him if you want.”

#13. Velour-Cord Chair – from IVD (Inexplicable DeVice)

IVD explains…

“Here's my despicable entry: A vile green, jumbo-velour-cord, tube framed chair. It's one of two I was given by mum & dad when I first moved here. The only reasons that I still have them is that they're very comfortable and I can't be arsed to take them to the dump. I keep saying I'll re-cover them, but I'm just kidding myself.

This one is next to the dining room radiator and window - I like to sit in it and read when it's cold. The other one is in the space under the stairs next to the Demon Box.

Colin & Justin would have a fit if they saw them. I, obviously, would be mortified seeing as I'm a big fan of theirs.”

#14. Gnomes – from Old Knudsen

“Here are my Gnomes, Zebihomb on the right looks friendly but he is always telling me to kill hoors. Jambone with the pick gives me ideas for posts and if I don't use them he attacks my morning wood with his tool.”

#15. Dead Tarantula – from Prunella Jones

Says Pru…

“It's my pet dead tarantula that I keep in the bathroom to scare nosy types away from peeking in my medicine cabinet.

Well I know I wont’ be reaching for the Pepto-Bismol at your house, Pru!

#16. Oogly Boogly Statue – from Random Chick

“Here's a ghastly statue my Mother In Law brought back from Africa. We call it our "oogly boogly" dude.”

#17. Coconut Monkey Money Box – from Tatas

Tatas’ mum and dad brought back this coconut monkey money box from their trip to South Africa.

No offence, Tatas, but I would have preferred a t-shirt that said, “My parents went to South Africa and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”

Thanks for nothin’, mum and dad.

I suppose they would have got you a coconut bra but they don’t make the cup size that big.


A couple of entries (there were many to choose from) from WW’s house.

He’s single, ladies!

#18. Blonde Beer Bottle Opener – from WW

#19. Breast Mug – from WW


To summarize, here’s a handy list of the entries:

1. Chihuahua Figurines – from Anonymous Boxer
2. Teddy Bear Chair – from Cher
3. Yogi Man – from Cher
4. Christmas Wreath – from Cher
5. Christmas Decorations – from CyberPete
6. Panther Painting – from Dora
7. Platypus – from First Nations
8. Alligator Head – from First Nations
9. Aunt Jemima Poster – from First Nations
10. Harley Gas Tank – from First Nations
11. Toilet Birds – from Frobisher
12. World Cup Willie – from Geoff
13. Velour-Cord Chair – from IVD
14. Gnomes – from Old Knudsen
15. Dead Tarantula – from Prunella Jones
16. Oogly Boogly Statue – from Random Chick
17. Coconut Monkey Money Box – from Tatas
18. Blonde Beer Bottle Opener – from WW
19. Breast Mug – from WW


Tell us in the comments who you think has the crappiest item of home décor.

Make sure you indicate which number is your choice.

Get your vote in by 9:00 pm Pacific Daylight Time, Wednesday, June 4th. Use this World Clock to help you figure out what time that is in your part of the world. No late entries will be accepted.

Note: The grand prize will be announced tomorrow, Thursday, June 5th.


  1. The Spider in the bathroom would scare the crap out of me if I stumbled in late, half asleep...great for constipation.

    The scary panther painting screams PMS, angry vagina stalking!

    But my vote for the crappiest would have to be number 3. The Yogi Man; while I applaud his talent, this is one performance best done behind closed doors!

    The gator head is cool. But the best stuff belong to WW! I wonder if I can get those cups in a set; maybe even a jug or two ;)

  2. I'm a sucker for decapitated Reptiles...but it goes with the kitschy Smithsonian theme..
    hmm the scary Panther is odd...Frobi's bathroom birds are practical and pleasing to the eye..
    the oogly boogly dude is quite charming...MAN this is tough!

    I think Knudsen's Old Gnomes are kind of cute and it has a nice ring to it, although I do not prefer the implications of such an admission when spoken out loud at a cocktail gathering or wake.

    I can't vote for WW's beer can holder because I gave it to him..
    so I'm going to have to go with the ex Tarantula because it incorporates two things in Life that I eschew from viewing at all costs;
    Hairy and Scary!

    Which is no easy task when visiting this Blog let me tell you.

  3. Hmmm... So much tat but so little time. I shall ponder my vote whilst at work.

    Tatas' monkey truly is hideous, though, so it's got to be a contender.

  4. This is so difficult as some of this stuff is so gross its actually rather cool , I love the oogly boogly , and knudsens gnomes. I have a horror of dead things laying about , soits between First nations gator and the dead tarantula .
    So my vote goes for number 15 . The spreadeagled dead spider would freak me out completely

  5. EROS: Perhaps Yogi Man just has his head up his arse.

    DONN: You’re alive!

    We all thought you’d been crushed between Monica Bellucci’s thighs.

    I’ll have a word with you later about contributing to WW’s house of horrors.

    I trust you’re not to blame for the science projects in his fridge?

    IVD: Take your time.

    Whilst you’re hard at work, ponder the fact that I’m about to have a good night’s sleep.

    If I don’t dream of your vile chair.

    BEAST: Oooo…now I know Beast’s bête noire.

    And did you know that Old Knudsen likes the weemen to lie in wait for him spread-eagled and playing dead?

  6. Wow this is difficult! Although if I could have found my camera in this mountain of tat I would have won hands down lol.

    My vote has to be for Number 6. For sheer "good god" factor, it takes it. I know why they took it out of the spare room - no one would sleep in there with the possessed picture on the wall!

  7. Those ugly rat dog things make my gnomes look classy.

    I can't get that teddy bear chair out of my head, what kind of monster could own such a thing?

  8. I have to go with the singing birds ... I like making my own music in the toilet ... Although they would be useful if they were strategically placed inside the medicine cabinet, ready to greet the nosey visitor when they open it up for a peek.

  9. Everything in FN's hoose. Especially the duck billed platypus painting. Everybody knows that platypii don't exist.

  10. Oh gosh! My christmas decorations are classy compared to all that tat!

    I would have to say my vote is between the 1. Chihuahua Figurines, 6. Panther Painting, 11. Toilet Birds (although they are kind of kool - I thought they were an air freshener), 16. Oogly Boogly Statue and 17. Coconut Monkey Money Box.

    In the end, I had to pick one, and I'm going with Tatas - Coconut Monkey Money Box. How hideous is that!

    Tatas, do your parents um, like you?

  11. I actually had a coconut monkey! (but I threw it away).

    So many to choose from . . . its difficult but Dora's Panther painting is truely hideous - it's got my vote

  12. #6 velvet paintings? hands down winner of the truly tacky

  13. I choose Coconut money box...with a monkey shape.

    Wrong, wrong, wrong.

    Savannah: Yes, it's a velvet painting - you can touch it (if you dare) and it feels all velvety and wrong.

  14. I must admit that I find some of those items rather endearing. The one I certainly would not have in my house is # 19, the Breast Mug.

    I enjoy my morning coffee too much to sip it from such a cup and, if I have the desire to fondle a breast, I want that breast to be warm, fairly soft, and part of a complete female.

  15. What I could not stand to have around the place I live is this terrible YogiMan (3) and the dead creatures, the spider (15) and the terrible head (8). The spider under glas, the yogiman at least burnable my winner is the alligator head: It's plain terrible. Never understood how people can put cadaver parts in their homes ...

  16. LOST: You “lost” your camera.

    Does your name reflect your character, by any chance?

    KNUDSEN: Have you noticed that Tazzy & Piggy haven’t submitted an entry?

    Their entire house is decorated in a teddy bear motif.

    Your gnomes really don’t belong here with all this tat.

    Zebihomb made me say that.

    PRACTICALLYJOE: Welcome to Infomaniac!

    *obviously sent here by Mr. Frobisher to influence the voting towards the toilet birds*

    GARFY: Remember that “dugong” creature she made up?

    We rest our case.

    CYBERPOOF: You’re in league with Tatas because she has the power of the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts over you.

    You’ve threatened to publish pics of the “Stain of Shame” she left in them before they arrived on your doorstep.

  17. I knew my little Willie was never going to win any prizes.

    There is a cornucopia of crap here and I'm proud to be part of it.

    As for the most horrific - it's between the panther painting and the teddy bear chair. I think I'll have to go with the teddy bear chair as the little bastards would be all over you as you sat on it.

    The bottle opener gal has the most beautiful eyes. I'd just love her to crack me one off.

  18. FROBI: You threw away the coconut monkey?

    Remember your testicular-related accident in Spain?

    Find it before it brings you more bad luck!

    SAVANNAH: You haven’t seen my velvet Elvis yet.

    *feels snubbed*

    Oooo…look what Dora’s offered you!

    DORA: You dirty bitch.

    NICK: Methinks the reverend doth protest too much about the titty mug.

    I bet you’ve got a pair of them in the vestry.

    MAGO: You don’t want to know about her lampshade made of human skin, then.

    GEOFF: Your little willie is number one in Betty's heart.

    Always remember that.

  19. I have an affinity for Cher's Yogi Man - it reminds me of my left testie. However, my vote goes to the Coconut Monkey. I like the fact that he wears spectacles. he may be a monkey, but he's dignified.

  20. CHAMP: That’s one big set of cojones you have there, Champ!

    The monkey may have his dignity intact but I’m sure he’s ashamed that he has less body hair than you.

  21. Well if I'd known I could add a little narrative to expand on my possessions, it mighta helped!!!

    I wonder if Frobisher's boudoir birdies actually do a little doo-dropping for a visitor.

    I love the coconut bank and the gnomes, and I'd hang that spider in my bathroom too, but my vote's for Frobie's birds.

  22. Jesus Christ, they're all fucking awful!

    You see - Nothing we could have submitted as an entry would have come anywhere near as gawdy as that lot.

    Especially those toilet birds. For fucks sake, why?

    As for that chair of IVD's...

    He tried to get us to sit in it so he could show us his lap-dancing skills.

    We refused.

    He was most upset.

  23. WW: Your crap speaks for itself without any help from you.

    Doo-drop as they do-wop?

    PIGGY: I take it that's a vote for Frobi's toilet birds?

    IVD lap dancing? I'd pictured you using the skinny little fucker as a stripper's pole.

  24. The coconut monkey box. Coconut shells shouldn't serve any purpose and should be thrown away (coconut matting, coconut shells used to imitate horses trotting, coconut monkeys. It's all trauma inducing).

  25. I agree with Eros, i hate little spiders let alone a bloody Tarantula.

    CP: my daddy loves me, It must have been my mums idea.

  26. BETTY: I can't believe you haven't, at some point in your life, made a coconut bra and admired yourself as you stood in front of the mirror, swaying your hips hula-style, suggestively.

    TATAS: Enough about you.

    What's your choice for the winner?

  27. They all are rather interesting, but I'd have to vote for #8, FN's alligator head. A biker might have given it to her, but that doesn't mean she has to leave it laying around.

  28. We have a velvet picture of a unicorn kicking up his heels under a rainbow in the night sky. But it is hidden away in storage. I personally like the panther picture. My vote has to go to #15 the dead tarantula. Because I'm afraid of spiders. That photo gave me the heebie jeebies just looking at it. I mean we had a tornado going over our house and I was stuck in a storm cellar with black widows, and I took myself and the children out into the storm because I would much rather take my chances with the storm than the black widow spiders. Cher's budda would come in second and the hideous breast mug. If you think of the coconut monkey as a work of art, it isn't so bad. Someone must have had carved that thing.

  29. #6! But oddly, I am repulsed and attraced to it at the same time.

    (Kinda like your blog.)

  30. Whoa! Now that's a lot of ghastly tat! Voting is easy for me...

    Most Ghastly: #6 That picture is horrid!

    Most Bizzare: #15 Dead tarantula. I think I would hold it rather than using Prunella's toilet.

    Most Hilarious: #17 Coconut Monkey Money Box. That made me LOL!!

    Most Superior: #16 Of course!

    Most Tits and Ass: #18 & 19 I'd never get that damn mug away from my Hubby.

    This was fun! You must do this again!!!

  31. Well, the coconut monkey box is a work of pure genius. What robber would even think to look for valuables in there, much less touch it?

    Coconut monkey looks like Dr Ruth.

    It also appears that after coconut monkey broke off with yogi man (he was always so full of himself), she and oogly boogly went clubbing. At a titty bar, they met up with the Santa Clauses and the Gnomes handing out "magic" pancakes, and serenaded by toilet birds and overcome by the paint fumes from the Harley gas tank decor, an orgy ensued on the green velour comfy chair. The result: World Cup Willie was born nine months later, but no one is really sure who the daddy is...

    Some animals may have been harmed during that wild night, but they were immortalized into wall art or their remains were stuffed and put on display as a reminder to be wary of strangers offering magical pancakes.

  32. JOE: Considering that many of Nations’ friends are bikers, I think it does mean that she has to leave the gator head lying around.

    CECILE: Your velvet unicorn’s in storage?

    Are you waiting for the great flood when you’ll march it onto the ark?

    Didn’t you ever listen to “The Unicorn Song” by The Irish Rovers?

    You’re never gonna see no unicorn.

    BOXER: Quit trying to butter me up so I’ll sway the votes your way.

    RANDOM: I have another competition in the works.

    Stay tuned.

    I think you should photograph the contents of your husband’s closet for us.

    EROS: Have you been eating the magic pancakes?

  33. i'll vote for the spider, wtf man? that things is just a bit too eerie to be hanging on the wall...

    oh and eighteen isnt a beer opener... it clicks on the side of a beer can and acts like a handle, so you know... yep used to have one of those....

  34. VOICES: How can you be sure it’s not a beer bottle opener?

    Maybe WW carved a hole in her butt and snaps the caps off that way.

  35. OK, I've made my decision. Tatas' hideous old monkey aside, it's got to be my fellow coven member Dora's, absolutely horrific Panther Picture.


  36. well i guess if its been custo-mized.... whats your vote mj?

  37. Inner Voices is right, MJ: my lil Blondie is a beer can holder, not an opener. Sorry.

    And lest Sometimes Saintly Nick considers me a cad for displaying my breast mug, it was given to me by sis after she survived breast cancer.

    Having said that, I do confess to definitely being a breast man.

  38. IVD: If you ask nicely, maybe Dora will give the panther painting to you to hang by your vile chair.

    VOICES: It’s my contest so I’m not eligible to vote. Or pick faves.

    You’re all winners in my eyes.

    *heart swells with pride at my wonderful readers*

    *sound of readers vomiting at my mawkish sentimentality*

    WW: It’s really a beer can holder, NOT a beer bottle opener?

    Well why didn’t you say that in the first place?

    I’m not going back to change it.

    No wonder I didn’t trust you to add any blurbs about your crap.

  39. I didn't actually "lose" my camera - it's here. It's just....hiding somewhere - under the mountain of tat one assumes.

  40. LOST: Quit making excuses for not taking pics of your horrendous home décor.

    I insist you expose the shocking underbelly of your abode.

    I bet you have a moosehead over your hearth!

  41. After scanning the comments I've noticed that nobody has voted for my ghastly santa clauses.

    Maybe that's because SOMEONE didn't post the video clip I sent.

    I think that would have sold it.

  42. CYBERPOOF: You didn't mention that I should attach the video clip.

    You should be happy no one's chosen yours as you're the one who's always saying what fabulous taste you have.

    Wait 'til they see you in The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts though!

  43. Even The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts will look stylish.

    I do have a fabulous taste!

  44. *winks at mj and feels shame for not sending in pics to be ridiculed*

  45. For some reason my mind blotted out the velvet picture
    can I change my vote ???

  46. If you are INSISTING then I suppose I will indeed have to post a picture of my most horrible bit of tat on my blog. Tomorrow perhaps. Then you can ridicule me too LOL

  47. CYBERPOOF: We'll see about that.

    VOICES: I'll find something for you to participate in soon.

    BEAST: Yes, consider your vote changed.

    You silly girl, you.

    LOST: Yes, I insist.

    Do as you're told.

  48. Koltchak's gloves are pretty good in winter time.

  49. CYBERPOOF: *wets self with anticipation*

    BOXER: About as subtle as a horse on your foot.

    MAGO: Say what?

  50. I know it's probably too late but the panther painting is just so hideous.......eek

  51. Tee-hee

    Maybe Tena Lady is for you?

  52. MANUEL: Your vote has been counted.

    Contest closes 9:00 pm Pacific time but 5:00 am UK time so you got in on time.

    CYBERPOOF: You should be in bed by now.

  53. My vote is for #3 the yogi man. It's a real conversation starter I bet.

  54. OH IT HAS TO BE...............

    #12 World Cup Willy!!!!!!

  55. PRU: The ultimate icebreaker!

    TONY: World Cup Willie.... scooorrrrrrrre!!!

  56. T-BIRD: I hope you got your money's worth.


    He is said to have had gloves made from human skin. Never found out whether it is propaganda or not.