Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Vote - Fast, Cheap and Out of Control

The choice has come down to Beast or Miss Janey in our Fast Cheap and Out of Control Contest.

We shall ask you to vote for either BEAST or MISS JANEY as the worthy recipient of the Fast Cheap and Out of Control air freshener.

But first, a little background on each of our contestants' entries…

BEAST needs this air freshener primarily to cover up his stench whereas MISS JANEY needs this air freshener because she lives up to the phrase “Fast Cheap and Out of Control”…plus there’s a bit of an odour factor with her as well.

You be the judges.


Beast’s entry needs a bit of explaining for those of you who (luckily) don’t know him well or if you are American and haven’t the foggiest what he’s going on about. We have thoughtfully provided a glossary as explanation before we present his entry:

Ma Beasties Chickpea Curry: A pungent gastric-disorder-inducing culinary dish created by Beast’s mum and served up at the Café C where Beast is an employee.

Frobisher: An Infomaniac Bitch, friend of Beast, and drag artiste (aka Mavis Boyle of the famed “Crap Bingo With Mavis” Cabaret Night at Café C).

Mr. C.: Domineering, slave-driving proprietor of Café C. Makes Beast’s life a misery.

Mr. C’s hell hounds: Mr. C’s dogs, Alfie and Lloyd. Beast is frequently called upon to dogsit Alfie and Lloyd and chauffeur them about in his car.

Lloyd: One of Mr. C’s dogs.

Dodgy: Brit slang for “suspicious” or “shady”.

Car boot sale: British equivalent of an outdoor flea market. Brits sell their wares from out of their car “boots” (trunks).

Spark up a fag: Brit-talk for “light up a cigarette”.

And now (finally), BEAST’s entry in the contest is as follows:

Ma Beasties chickpea curry is the least of it. If Frobisher has been sneackily feeding Mr C's hell hounds with some dodgy old franfurters he found cheap at a car boot sale , Lloyd sounds like deflating bag pipes in the back of the car and there is a not so delicate hint of bowel in the air , you can see people sniffing and checking their shoes when we stop at traffic lights....its embarrassing. AND if Mr C has been eating KFC you spark up a fag at your peril


Miss Janey, it turns out, really lives up to the title “Fast Cheap and Out of Control”.

We recommend that you read her posts about her prison ordeal (a tale of drugs, drunkenness, reckless driving, a Madam recruiting prostitutes, a hooker with a speech impediment, the best places to find johns, crack addicts, fierce hair and five dollar blow jobs) before casting your final vote.

Here is her entry…

Miss J is inordinately competitive in contests because she feels like she never wins them. So she's comin' out strong & wrong here. What better proof of being fast cheap and out of control than having spent time in jail?
Also, Miss J's car stinks of dog, big time.

So you decide, bitches.

Who should win the Fast Cheap and Out of Control deluxe back seat air freshener?


Vote now, bitches!


  1. Yay! First!

    There's no way Miss Janey can smell as bad as beast's car, so I vote for Beast.

    Plus, it'd be bad form if I didn't vote for one of the Coven.

    ...and no, this has nothing to do with me still smarting because Mr Beastie won the FGES...
    I am not one to hold a grudge.

  3. ...comes back to yell 'SECOND' and to tick the box...

  4. Beast. The FGES will need something to cover the stench...

    Oh Hi Scarlet, IDV....

  5. Oh hai IDV, Ms Scarlet and Princess.

    *waves madly and blows lots of kisses*

    I vote for Beast.

    I know he's just won The Shorts, but his entry made me laugh and laugh.

  6. I adore curry. Beast gets my vote.

  7. Just say no to 'dog car' odors! I say hand it over to Miss Janey STAT!

  8. Miss J is beyond flattered to be in the running!!! Smelling salts, please, before she faints.

    Gracias to the Mistress for running the contest.

  9. La Diva is voting for the underdog, Miss Janey, although Beast probably really NEEDS it more. And I LOATHE the smell of dogs. (sorry Boxer!)

  10. You forgot to mention that I endorse Beastie.

    Because of this, and because we are fellow Coven members I vote for Beastie aka Beast

  11. Alley Cat vs Witch ...

    I vote for Miss Janey. One should keep the backseat clean, one never knows when one has to live there again ...

  12. What's going on around here??? Since I have no idea I will place my vote for Miss Janey since she looks like a psycho path in her childhood photo. Psycho paths are so charming!!

    Tah tah!!

  13. Its a toughie - but it has to be Beast - i have been in his car, and he slows right down when coming to corners.

  14. BITCHES: This competition is by no means over.

    Mistress MJ’s pencil is poised to tally up the scores much later.

    Carry on.


    Gotta vote for the underdog! X3

  16. BITCHES: Since Mistress MJ doesn't have all night to sit around waiting for you latecomers to vote, she is closing the polls NOW.

    The winner will be announced in a separate post later.