Monday, August 12, 2013

Right This Way, Your Table's Waiting

43 signs that you're ready for a room at the Infomaniac Villa of Queens Old Homosexuals' Haven Retirement Home:

Right this way. We've been waiting for you...


43. Aching feet
42. Failing eyesight
41. Everything taking at least ten minutes longer than you planned
40. Frequent late-night urination
39. Cracking sound each time you stand up
38. Ear hair
37. Nose hair
36. Head hair (in sink/shower)
35. "Sorry, I couldn't hear you."
34. "Just resting my eyes."
33. Unreliable memory
33. Ultra-reliable memory (i.e. increasingly frequent and vivid memories of things you've long since forgotten rushing in at inappropriate times)
32. "10th Anniversary Edition"
31. "Deluxe 20th Anniversary Edition"
30."Special 25th Anniversary Commemorative Edition"
29. Punk kids getting nostalgic about the Nickelodeon cartoons of a few years back
28. Current Nickelodeon cartoons
27. "Like" and "share"
26. Having to learn what "twerking" is
25. Having to think about whether or not you should eat that
24. Regretting your decision to have eaten that
23. Knowing that the rest of your life will be spent watching other people eat that with abandon while you have something considerably less flavorful
22. Not caring enough to get upset about someone else's success
21. Feeling sympathy when unfortunate events happen to people you spent a long time disliking
20. "Has that spot always been there?"
19. Coming to realize that if something hurts it is probably just going to hurt from now on
18. Coming to realize that pretty much everything hurts
17. "Can't you turn that down?"
16. Crossing the street when you see a large group of boisterous young people heading towards you
15. Being invisible to the large group of boisterous young people heading towards you
14. Classifying large segments of the population as "young people"
13. Inability to be boisterous
12. Thinking "it's kind of late" after 9 PM
11. Waiting until 10 PM so you can go to bed without feeling extra lame
10. Waking up at 5 AM and knowing you can either lie there for another hour or get up and start your day, because the one goddamn thing that's NOT going to happen is you falling back asleep
9. The death of older relatives
8. The death of your friends' parents
7. The death of your own parents
6. The death of your friends
5. The death of the hopes, dreams and ambitions you still somehow thought possible even after it made any sense to
4. The strange acceptance that descends after you've had enough time to understand that the death of the hopes, dreams and ambitions you still somehow thought possible even after it made any sense to is for real 
3. The understanding that you are not that far off from your own demise, at which point everything you've experienced will be wiped away as your complete insignificance becomes one with the end of your consciousness
2. The strange acceptance of the futility of your own existence and its imminent cessation
1. "Decaf"
[list found here]

How many signs are you exhibiting, Bitches?


  1. 43 to 2: check!
    1: Nope!

    Did I win yet?

    1. LX: You’re disqualified as you’re too hepped up on caffeine.

      I see that you’ve dropped the “Mac” from “MacLX”… does this mean you’re back from your Scottish holiday?

  2. Is twerking something that was once called boogalooh?

    1. MAGO: We here at Infomaniac have thoughtfully provided this How to Twerk tutorial for you.

      Drop it like it’s hot, Bitches!

  3. Don't you dare serve me "Decaf"...

    Otherwise i meet all the criteria...

    1. PRINNY: Caffeine is one of the few pleasures left.

  4. I'm with LX and Princess, although I can still occasionally summon up the energy to defy the dread mandate of 13 as well.

    And to tell the truth, that's eaten up any energy I'd otherwise have left to find out what this "twerking" nonsense is. Does it have something to do with that crazy MIssy GooGoo or whatever her name is? When I was young, we had real stars, people you could admire. Mitzi Gaynor, Vikki Carr, Barbra...

    What was I saying? Why am I here? And who put this hair in my ears?

    1. MUSCATO: See the “How to Twirk” tutorial link in my response to Mago.

      Real dance stars? Let’s not forget Cyd Charisse, Ann Miller and Juliet Prowse. And that’s just the ladies.

    2. You failed to mention Isadora Duncan.

    3. MITZI: I must have lost my head for a moment.

  5. Nope! None of these apply to me!

  6. After answering affirmative to all the above I realize my decrepitude has accelerated.

    Can I have the room overlooking the garden?

    1. AYEM8Y: I’ve already installed a glory hole in the door to your room.

  7. Oh honey. I have at least 30 years before I'll be in a retirement home. Meanwhile I see no mention of a ear trumpet on the list.

    1. MISTRESS MADDIE: An ear trumpet?

      Just wait ‘til Norma shows up.

  8. so typhoid mary judy, you thought you'd spread
    that glorious mood you were in over the weekend?

    (can't write now, busy buying cemetery plot.)

    1. NORMA: We're all interested to see your obit.

      It will be based on those unfortunate obits you post on your blog and naturally, we'll all make fun of it.

    2. my obituary has been writing itself for 73 years.

      of course, the pen dried up in 1941.

    3. NORMA: Wasn't that the same year that your vag dried up?

    4. yes, it was a day that has lived in infamy.

  9. Replies
    1. LX: Ding dong the Croc is dead!

      Where was this news when I needed it on Shitty SaTURDay?

      Better late than never.


  10. Oh, lord. Don't even get me started.

    1. THOM: I’m naming an entire WING of the Infomaniac Villa of Queens Old Homosexuals' Haven Retirement Home after you.

    2. may i hi-hosey the suite next to thom's?

    3. NORMA: Certainly.

      You put the “ho” in hi-hosey.

  11. 44 passing a display of crocs and thinking to yourself 'they look comfy'.
    42 failing eyesight. In the supermarket getting Carmen to read out the calorie content on selected items, because I can't read the small print and singing along to Billy Don't Be A Hero on the 'wireless' this morning, terribly ageing.

    1. MITZI: Crocs?

      Don’t make me slap THIS on your forehead!

      "Billy Don't Be A Hero" … the Paper Lace version or the Bo Donaldson and The Heywoods version?

  12. Personally, I'm ageless, but I do feel for all you poor, haggard bitches. It must just be awful. I'll try to drop by and visit the Home on my way to the Twerp Disco.

    1. PEENEE: Twerp?

      Is that the Peenee version of Twerking where you put your head between your legs?

  13. Replies
    1. WALLY: Oh dear gawd, that sounds like me all over.