Monday, December 19, 2011

The John Waters Advent Calendar


Check off all that apply to YOU, Bitches...

Day 1… Get naked and smoke.
Day 2… Ask a neighbour if they find it funny that every man in the neighborhood has a penis.
Day 3… Flash someone.
Day 4… Get your hair done.
Day 5. Go to a porn theatre (or rent a porno movie) and “pop a load”
Day 6… Whenever you hear someone say “shit” tell them you hate the brown word.
Day 7… Exclaim “What a day for an execution!” to strangers.
Day 8… Stomp on someones foot - laugh maniacally.
Day 9… Play “car accident.” (Be sure to have plenty of ketchup on hand.)
Day 10… Get a baby sitting job - throw wild destructive party. Trash everything.
Day 11… Admit to God that you are a whore.
Day 12… Tell your nephew (or other younger male relative) you’d be so happy if he turned nelly and found a nice beautician boyfriend.
Day 13… Seduce a bus driver.
Day 14… Refer to your daughter (or young female relative) as “that little MF”
Day 15… Write “I sniff jury underpants” (or other obscenity) in a bathroom stall.
Day 16… Have sloppy joes for dinner.
Day 17… Go to doctor and demand “a wang.”
Day 18… At the dinner table exclaim loudly “I’m so hungry I could eat cancer.”
Day 19… Tell someone that you’re a thief, a shit kicker and that you’d like to be famous.
Day 20… Condone first degree murder. Advocate cannibalism.
Day 21… Have sex with a midget in the back of a car.
Day 22… Be celibate for celluloid.
Day 23… Watch “Christmas Evil” with JW commentary.
Day 24… Send someone a bowel movement.
Bonus day - Return all your Christmas gifts for money because…. “you can do that you know.”

(john “meat thief” waters photographed by john russell)

Thanks, Thombeau!

22 comments:

  1. 11. Check.

    21. On wish list.

    ReplyDelete
  2. SECOND!!!!
    ..but not sloppy at all.

    Man, I want this advent calendar. Still, I have the Cthulhu advent calendar, and the chocolates are wonderful *smack slurp*

    ReplyDelete
  3. DOUBTED ME, DID YOU?


    http://redwaspdesign.wordpress.com/cthulhu-christmas-calendar/


    Oh yeah.

    ReplyDelete
  4. All of the above---on a good day.

    ReplyDelete
  5. If you are grading this on a Bell Curve, then look no further for the apex, my dear....

    ReplyDelete
  6. LX: 11. Check.
    21. On wish list.


    I’m sure every Infomaniac Bitch would respond the same way if they were being honest.

    NATIONS: SECOND!!!!
    ..but not sloppy at all.
    Man, I want this advent calendar. Still, I have the Cthulhu advent calendar, and the chocolates are wonderful *smack slurp*


    You’re actually FIRST because XL forgot to say so.

    NATIONS: DOUBTED ME, DID YOU?
    http://redwaspdesign.wordpress.com/cthulhu-christmas-calendar/
    Oh yeah.


    Do you have one of THESE?

    THOMBEAU: All of the above---on a good day.

    You’re doing them all right NOW as we speak, aren’t you?

    WALLY: If you are grading this on a Bell Curve, then look no further for the apex, my dear....

    I didn’t know math was going to be involved!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm still working on number one.

    ReplyDelete
  8. It was much easier for me to tick off the ones yet to be achieved Darling
    Let's see... #16, #17... No... Wait... I did go out with that Dr once and he gave me a wang without even asking for it...
    #20, #21... Does the flatbed of a ute count? #23... And i almost checked #24... but then I remembered that I did a bowel cancer screening test once. And that got posted off to someone...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ooh Mistress... Gather the Infomaniac Bitch Carollers and head on over to Mr Beasties. He's put out an invitation

    ReplyDelete
  10. AYEM8Y: I'm still working on number one.

    You’re smokin’ when you’re nekkid, all right.

    I think you can cross that one off your list.

    PRINCESS: It was much easier for me to tick off the ones yet to be achieved Darling
    Let's see... #16, #17... No... Wait... I did go out with that Dr once and he gave me a wang without even asking for it...
    #20, #21... Does the flatbed of a ute count? #23... And i almost checked #24... but then I remembered that I did a bowel cancer screening test once. And that got posted off to someone...


    I’m a little nervous about opening my mail since posting this item.

    PRINCESS: Ooh Mistress... Gather the Infomaniac Bitch Carollers and head on over to Mr Beasties. He's put out an invitation

    I shall hurry over there, post-haste!

    ReplyDelete
  11. make mine poached; i'll be in the playpen.

    ReplyDelete
  12. *imagining Norma in longline bra and girdle...*

    EGGS! EGGS! I LOVE EGGS! OOOOO, EGGS, PLEASE, HURRY! HURRY MR. EGGMAN, HURRY! OH, GIVE ME MY EGGS! OOOOO! EGGS IS GOOD!

    ReplyDelete
  13. The new Laudanum brew turned out a bid stronger than usual, First Nations?

    ReplyDelete
  14. Here ya go, Mago:

    http://www.answers.com/topic/pink-flamingos

    I refer to the character 'Mama Edie'.


    ...egad...LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I THINK WE MAY HAVE A 'PINK FLAMINGOS' VIRGIN HERE!!!
    *passes out from shock*

    ReplyDelete
  15. *revives*

    obviously I didn't read all the comments before I posted that.

    OH WELL TOO BAD DAMMIT! FLAMINGO VIRGIN! FLAMINGO VIRGIN!! HOOTY HOOTY HOO HOO!! MAGO IS A FLAMINGO VIRGIN!!

    *passes out from hyperventilation*

    ReplyDelete
  16. Are you gonna bust my cherry? Be careful - no biting!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Other than sloppy joes for dinner I haven't done any of those things ... in awhile.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Would you Bitches pipe down?

    I'm trying to listen to some music here!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Which one of us are you talking to, Mago?

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh no, I wouldn't get my hair done until day 19... it's got to look its best for the big day.
    Sx

    ReplyDelete