Thursday, October 09, 2008

Battle of the Sexes

Infomaniac offers you this unique opportunity to vent your spleen about the opposite sex.

But don’t think you can just spew and walk away.

Say your piece but then tell us how you would fix the problem!

How can we live together in peace and harmony?

(click to enlarge)

*visualizes healing violet light entering sacral chakra and inserts crystal suppository up Beast’s arse*


  1. as long as I'm first, I don't care.

  2. Oh sure. Crystals up Beasties arse will surely help

  3. ****farts healing utra voilet cloud***
    Is this one of those "Does my arse look big in this" questions Miss MJ ,I always seem to get that wrong :-(

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. We can't live in peace and harmony, so each should have their own planet. I don't mean men on Mars and women on Venus - I mean each person should have their own planet! It's the only way.

  6. Weemen nag and refuse to do what you tell them to so I'd tie the hoors up in me garage until they give me their pin number and a hand job then I'd bury them in a shallow grave after I was done with them.

  7. My last comment can in no way be used as evidence.

  8. Men like oggling at sexy young women in micro skirts and stilletos when you are trying to engage them in fascinating conversation.

    Solution - gouge their eyes out with a hot poker.

    Or - on second thoughts - say 'Please don't do that darling.'

  9. Women are fine in a relationship. As long as they remember their rightful position. On their knees, on their backs, and bent over the sofa.

  10. And women are rubbish at ironing shirts properly

  11. And women are rubbish at ironing shirts properly

  12. My wife is too set in her ways.
    "I'll have a bud light bottle ... ah ... and no glass"
    Everytime she feels like a beer ... her request is always the same.
    Why won't she take the damn glass?
    Why must she insist on drinking from the bottle? Why always Bud Light?
    Where I work ... we sell only our own brews. We go there for dinner.
    "I'll have a bud light bottle ... ah ... and no glass"
    Jeeeezus! I was hoping for a different request.
    "Honey ... we make our own beer here."
    "Then I'll have whatever is close to a bud light bottle ... ah ... and no glass"
    "Honey ... everything is on tap ... there are no bottles."
    She gets upset and angry.
    "Then I guess I'll have some friggin' wine! WTH! ... ah ... and no glass."

  13. Most of them seem to believe in the supernatural which really gets on my tits but I cannot think of a solution.

  14. Geoff, the only solution is to keep them occupied with the more mundane of household chores

    We should follow the law commonly practised in Arkansas and some parts of Texas.

    Live with your mother..
    Have sex with your neighbours.. Breed only with blondes..
    Leave the lock off the laundry room door twice a month for wives to exercise for one hour.

    It all works for me.

  15. Women collect a shit-pile of shoes and purses. Sadly, I don't think this can me stopped.

  16. *whispers* I'm supposed to be at prayer services...MJ, don't tell anyone I was here...I'm such a bad Jew...

    But while I'm here being so bad, let me add a few bans for the menfolk: no pouting, whining, or banging about ostentatiously while doing a chore half-way...and for the love of all that is holy, no cuddling after sex!!!!

  17. *slinks off, prayerbook in hand, to meet fate at the Gates of Repentance*

  18. Men are fine as long they come home with a paycheck and sleep in a different room.

    I see no reason to change anything.

  19. BITCHES: I’m usually here to greet you earlier than this but I was in a most tipsy state last night and try as I may to get up, I kept having a recurring dream that I was shagging Jim McDonald from Coronation Street.

    I’m just relieved it wasn’t Ken Barlow.

    I’ll be with you soon after I’ve had a chance to freshen up.

  20. the worst thing about men is that they all think its cool to wear those baggyass pants that hang halfway down their asscrack. lord how i miss the days of the skintight Brittania jean, the painted-on goodness of the L'Avion, the smokin hot classic Armani slack worn to size, nothing between them and me but a thin layer of cloth....ahhhhhhhhhh...

    ladies, remember Ted Nugent, back when he was hot, back when he was less of a moron, back when he was running around in those awesome white tights and didn't bother everyone with his ignorant opinions and just wore a little tail and jumped off speakers? THATS what I'm talking about. The finest ass in rock and roll bar none. (now he's just the biggest ass.)

  21. BOXER: As Old Knudsen says, “The lady always comes first.”

    CYBERPOOF: You have to admit that crystals up Beastie’s arse make a pleasant change from bananas.

    Although you can’t eat crystals afterwards.

    BEAST: It’s not a trick question, Beast.

    By the way, that gigantic flowered mumu you’re wearing isn’t hiding your figure flaws.

    IVD: We’ve all read your indecipherable posts and it’s evident you took up residence on a distant star long ago.

    KNUDSEN & KAZ: The pair of you are hereby ordered to strip naked and throw yourselves into the mud wrestling pit.

    *removes sharp objects from both contestants*

  22. BOLLIX: While you’ve got her bent over the sofa, arse end up, Old Knudsen is going through your wallet.

    BEAST: Women are rubbish at ironing shirts properly?

    That’s why we have houseboys.

    JOE: Sell your wife to the highest bidder.

    I see no other recourse.

    GEOFF: May I remind you that you believe West Ham will someday rise to victory?

    Who believes in the supernatural now, eh?

    BOLLIX: Oh listen to the big man talk shite as he’s neck-high in soap suds at my sink laundering my smalls.

  23. Get your arse out of bed and greet us individually MJ you lazy cunt.

    I mean this in the nicest way possible of course.

  24. Would you eat that banana?

    I wouldn't.

  25. HEFF: Do the right thing and clear out half your closet space for your wife to put more shoes and purses.


    *speed dials Rabbi*

    This shiksa is removing the Jew-friendly mezuzah from the Infomaniac portal until you’ve gone to synagogue and back.

    AB: Good golly!

    You’re incognito and you’ve taken up smoking!

    VOICES: Word of the day?

    Like on Peewee’s Playhouse?

    When anyone says “legs” we’re supposed to scream?

    NATIONS: Unfortunately, I can’t think of Ted Nugent without thinking of his Kamp for Kids; a charity dedicated to “attracting American children into that higher level of awareness that is the discipline of the shooting sports.”

    Despite the economy going down the tubes, I’m running out NOW to invest in skin-tight trousers for ALL male Infomaniac readers.

    And while we’re on the topic of “the smokin hot classic Armani slack worn to size, nothing between them and me but a thin layer of cloth”… I say we bring back DRY-HUMPING!

    Are we on the same page?

    CYBERPOOF: Pay attention.

    I’m back.

  26. You can still call me Boxer.

  27. Tell me what's wrong and maybe I can fix it. If you just avoid eye contact or get huffy I just think you need to be avoided, because being with you isn't fun. The longer it goes on the more I associate you with misery until....

  28. sort of like that... but what i was hoping for is you would help spread the word!!!

  29. XL: The world is your oyster.

    Or bearded clam.

    CYBERPOOF: Impatient poofter.

    BOXER: And you may continue to refer to me as Mistress MJ.

    And mix me a drink while you’re up.

    TICKERS: For heaven’s sake stop thinking about your ex wife.

    VOICES: The word legs? What?

    I thought yesterday was your drinking day.

  30. While I appreciate the opportunity to explore relational interactions, the World Champ has never been troubled in this area. He doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

  31. I am collapsed on the sofa with the dogs, we have finished our dogging and now its time for dinner

  32. Why do men smell so bad?

  33. CHAMP: Speaking as your Official Beard and Body Hair Groomer, I would like to think that my idea to style your sideburns into mutton chops has something to do with your success with the ladies.

    BEAST: I’m not sure the dogging park is an appropriate place to bring them.

    That aside, what have you prepared for dinner?

    RANDOM: I think men smell enticing so I’m not sure what you mean.

    *sniffs Beast*

    Oh, THAT.

  34. Yon can all call me 'Pimp master general'

  35. You think B.O. is enticing? OH I forgot, you are the one who likes armpit sex, right?

  36. Put back that goddam Mesuseh, will ya please. Yes I'm superstitious.
    Problem with women is that they want too much: All. Now.
    Have no solution.

    No excuses from me for the dead supercuties.

  37. KNUDSEN: Do you hear that commotion?

    That’s the sound of women climbing aboard the Old Knudsen love train express.

    RANDOM: I’m sniffing an old pair of boxer shorts as we speak.

    What’s your problem?

    MAGO: I’m waiting for you to beg like a dog for forgiveness for yesterday’s comments.

  38. Well, that may take a while, Mistress.

  39. You can say that again.

    Well I'm off to bed.

  40. We are talking here Sugar and spice, and everything nice...........Yea?Right!

  41. *wonders if mj is a blond*

    "the word of the day is legs, ladies help spread the word"

    *shakes head and walks away, trip over empty bottle of jamesons in front of mjs and curses*

  42. Yeah, spread'em a little more honey ... Is AA a solution?

  43. MAGO: *drums fingers impatiently*

    CYBERPOOF: God nat, my little Danish boy.

    TONY: Keep repeating it ‘til you believe it.

    VOICES: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….



    *light bulb pops above head*

    MAGO: *kicks Mago in the mangina and continues drinking*

  44. Pff, iron sack mago is on duty honey, sorry for your toes.
    Cheers. One to go. No excuses.

  45. Mistress MJ asks: "How can we live together in peace and harmony?"

    This would require copious amounts of alcohol and a clear conscience (for both sexes).
    Further...a recognition that the sexes are equal, just not to each other (men are equal to other men, women are equal to other women). Neither sex is superior, we're all just a bunch of monkeys attempting to make the best of it. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Síochán leat.

  46. MAGO: That’s quite the pair of clackers on ya.

    Have you been working out to the Balls of Steel video?

    MADKILT: Monkeys?

    *cues Monkey Sex video*

  47. *helps mj change out the burnt out light bulb that hangs over her head*

  48. separate bank accounts, sugar xoxoxo

    that's my story and i'm sticking to it!

  49. VOICES: Don’t come near me unless you’re a licensed electrician.

    SAVANNAH: I’d love to receive a deposit right about now.

  50. *opens wallet and shows mj his plumbing and lighting license he purchased in mexico*

    now about that light bulb....

  51. Old Knudsen Love Train Express?

    Surely you mean Od Vinegar Tits is having a Thomas the Tank!

  52. I've always wondered why it is that when working with women, they back stab the hell out of each other, and why do they feel the need to share whatever the hell is going on with their personal lives. If I wanted drama, I'd watch t.v.

    My advice, please keep your personal life and professional life separate. Just like your clients expect, you're paid to perform a service, not share blab about your personal crap! If I wanted to know about your relationship problems, I would ask; otherwise, find a priest or a therapist if you're not willing to talk to your partner!

  53. I love women so I don't have any complaints. And my wife reads Infomaniac too. :}

  54. I love men. Lots of men. Too many men.

  55. I LOVE MONKEYS!!! That's my story and I'm sticking to it. With the majesty of the Celts...DCMtmcCL

  56. VOICES: That condom that fell out of your wallet looks like it’s made in Mexico too.

    BOLLIX: Knudsen’s got the loco-motion!

    EROS: If I have cramps you can damn well bet everyone else is going to suffer too!

    RICH: Your wife sent her picture in for Filthy Friday.

    PEEVISH: Good line for a movie trailer, that.

    MADCELT: Up yer kilt!

  57. Three 12 hour shifts on a construction site bringing security to the cream of Europe's working class - after that the Canadian attempt to kick my balls magically works a smile onto my wrinkeld face ... Thank you Mistress!

  58. peace?...i guess the only way is when each are receiving a PIECE...

  59. MAGO: You need a better moisturizer.

    DAISY: Bang on.