Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #8 - Mr. Peenee's Potatoes Dauphinoise

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #8 - Mr. Peenee's Potatoes Dauphinoise



Potatoes Dauphinoise

This recipe has a lot going for it. Mainly, it's completely delicious, but also, it's foolproof, forgiving of meager talent and attention spans and it's from Julia Child, so you can casually mention "Yes, it's one of my favorites of Julia's recipes" implying you have knocked out her pâte brisée by the handsful. Also, it's ingredients are so basic you can count on scoring them anywhere, even a 7-11, if it comes down to that.



3 pounds potatoes (Yukon Gold are way the best, but anything will do)
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1/2 tablespoon salt
1 quart half-and-half

Wash your hands.

Heat the oven to 400

Peel the potatoes and slice as thin as possible. This is where having a food processor comes in handy. Don't have one? Suck it up and slice them by hand. THIN. Quit whining, I've done it, so can you, lazy cow. Do not rinse the potatoes or store them in water. They may turn a little brown. Big deal. You are such a whiny cow.



Put the garlic on a cutting board and pour the salt over it. Using the back of fork mash them together to make a paste. Oddly enough, when I was making this batch for these photos, I went to look up the recipe, the first time in like a decade of cranking it out and I found Julia calls for a TEASPOON of each. She was probably drunk when she wrote that, so just ignore her and go with a Tablespoon of garlic and a HALF Tablespoon of salt.



Get a big pot, like a dutch kettle, put the garlic/salt paste in the bottom, pour in enough half-and-half to cover it and stir it up vigorously to combine.

Dump in the potatoes, then the rest of the half and half and stir gently. Wash your hands. Your dinner guests might not know where you've had them, but mrpeenee has a pretty good guess. Since the potato slices all stick together, you have to reach in the pot and gently separate them so the half-and-half can get in there.

Bring to a gentle boil over pretty high heat and then turn down to medium to simmer for 2 -3 minutes. Stir occasionally to scrape up the deliciousness from the bottom of the pot. Try not to wander off and start looking at porn while waiting for this, but if you do, it's no big deal.

Julia says to then pop the whole thing in the oven, but my experience is if you use the same pot to both boil and bake, cleaning is a torture. Instead transfer it all to a large, shallow casserole that you've coated liberally with a nonstick spray. Put the casserole on a cookie sheet cause when the milk infused with potato starch cooks over, it is a mother fucking beast to clean. Bake at 400 for 45 - 50 minutes.

I have friends who really like the slightly scorched, black crusty bits the best. Freaks.

This is one of those blessed recipes which is actually better the next day. Heat it up in a low-ish oven, covered with foil for 20 - 30 minutes. Wash you hands before you stick your finger in to see if it's hot.

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #7 - Ms. First Nations' Raviolis with Sauce!!!

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #7 - Ms. First Nations' Raviolis with Sauce!!!


This makes enough to feed three people, with leftovers for lunch!

RAVIOLIS WITH SAUCE!!!

FILLING: Make one day ahead of time and refrigerate, then bring to room temp for use.
-1 ten 0z. bag of spinach, cleaned and stemmed, chopped fine (use a cuisinart...do not puree)
-1 eight-oz ball mozzarella cheese, shredded
-1/2 cup myzithra cheese, grated
-1 tbl. garlic, pureed (more or less, to taste)
-3/4 cup white onion, pureed
-1/3 cup dry bread crumbs (more or less, to perfect consistency)
-Sour cream or whole milk yogurt to moisten
-1 tsp dry oregano, or to taste
-Salt and pepper to taste

Mix ingredients by hand. The consistency should be just moist enough to hold together when formed into a ball, so err on the side of dryness to begin with.


...not quite this dry. But I found a picture of a Croc on fire, and fire makes things dry, and...yeah.

PASTA
Three cups of WHITE all purpose flour
-1 whole egg
-5 egg yolks
-2 tbls olive oil
-Milk to moisten (aprox. 1/2 cup...the amount added will depend on the humidity of the room)
Dump all this into the Cuisinart . Screw you Marcella Hazan. You say it's not authentic if you don't mix this by hand on the counter, fine; then you can just come over to my house and do it yourself. Yeah I thought not.

Dump this out onto the counter and lightly knead, adding milk or flour as needed until it forms a heavy, non-sticky dough. Cover and let set at room temp at least 1 hour. (This needs to be at room temp to 'work' properly, too, so if you have to refrigerate it, take it out a couple of hours beforehand and let it sit until it's up to speed, which is about 75km. It's better if you make it the day you use it, though.)


...this picture bears no relevance to the following.

Now:
Cut dough into 4 pieces. Have plenty of flour on hand for dusting.
-If you have a pasta machine, roll the dusted dough through the 5 setting, fold over, (just this once!!) and run it through again. Take that sheet and thin it through the 3 and then the 2 and set aside on the floured board.

-If you just have a rolling pin (or a wine bottle, like I used for 16 years) then take each piece one at a time, and roll out as flat as you can, fold it over once and then roll it out once more until it is just shy of transparency.
Now simply blop lumps of filling onto one half of the sheet of dough, leaving about 2 inches between each lump. Spray a little water on the filling side, then flap the other half of the dough over the top of it and press all around the lumps with your fingers. Now cut them out any which way, which is very tasty and picturesque and leaves no waste.

Cook in boiling salted water for 2 minutes, drain, then serve immediately with a sauce. OO look, here's one:

AWESOME SAUCE for all your awesome needs


Make this one day ahead of time.
BLEND (in a blender, geeze):
-Olive oil - choose a green, bright, fruity one. The more gunky the better in fact.
and
-Plain old tomato sauce out of the can (be fancy and use San Marzano, although it doesn't matter in the slightest)
with
-A tiny, tiny dab of mayonnaise to emulsify it all. You want a thinnish carrier, like a salad dressing or a soup consistency.
Dump in a bowl and add:
-Chopped black NICOISE olives, (rinse BRIEFLY to remove some of the salt)
-Chopped green MANZANILLA olives (again, rinse BRIEFLY to remove some of the salt)
...and yes, the variety matters.
-Minced garlic to taste
-lemon zest, about 1/2 tsp
-Freshly ground black pepper to taste
Go light with the sauce. These are all very strong flavors. You just want to smooch the raviolis with a little pizazz.
-Top with chopped roasted hazelnuts. THIS MATTERS. You'll see.

And there you go! Is done! Eat it now!

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #6 - Norma's Salted Caramel "Ding Dong" Cake

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #6 - Norma's Salted Caramel "Ding Dong" Cake

Although I could have filled your in-box full of all my fabulous dishes, i've chosen to share something i just put together recently. This cake recipe comes out of the most current Bon Appetit.



No doubt you can understand my attraction to this particular cake: "Salted Ding-Dong."

Realize that this above photo is the only photo they printed. I understand why. My finished product wasn't the most gorgeous creation to ever emerge from the Desmond Kitchens, but looks mean nothing when
one bites into this.

Here she is mid-constuction...



And here is the finished product...



I wasn't thrilled with "the waistline" but that's the way it was and ganache isn't like frosting....you can't use it to hide big issues.

Nevertheless, I must tell you that even if you never make this cake, YOU MUST clip this recipe and make the ganache. Use it on your favorite cupcake recipe if you like. The caramel/chocolate ganache with the salt on top is not to be believed.

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #5 - Mitzi's "Grandma Ermintrude's Jammy Rings"

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #5 - Mitzi's "Grandma Ermintrude's Jammy Rings"



I've always had a reputation for serving the most wonderful cakes and biscuits. Delia Smith got down on her knees and begged me for this recipe, but I refused to reveal it until she bunged me a few quid. I've guarded this recipe with my life for years, until now, so here it is. I've adapted it to suit my healthy lifestyle as the original recipe is an all butter shortbread with full calorie jam! Can you imagine that?



Grandma Ermintrude's Jammy Rings.

makes 6

Ingredients

2 cups of porridge oats
2 cups of Kelloggs All-bran
1 cup of honey
1 cup of artificial sugar
Pinch of Lo salt
1 teaspoon of vanilla extract...never use vanilla flavouring, I'd rather you leave it out altogether then use that muck (I like to use a glug of whiskey)
Milk

For the filling
Low calorie strawberry jam

Method

Preheat the oven to 160ºC. In a grinder, mill the porridge oats and All-bran into a fine flour, you can use a coffee grinder or if you have a spare couple of hours use a pestle and mortar. Place dry ingredients into a bowl add honey and vanilla extract and enough milk to form a dough.

Lightly flour a board and roll it out to 1/2 inch thickness. With a cutter cut out twelve rounds. Using a smaller cutter, cut peep holes in the centre of half of the biscuits. Smear bottoms generous with strawberry jam, sandwich the rounds together in pairs, with the peep holes uppermost.

Place in the oven, middle shelf for 15-20 minutes.

place on a wire rack to cool.

Enjoy!

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #4 - Kevin's Poulet Au Paprika

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #4 - Kevin's Poulet Au Paprika

I'm submitting a lovely little recipe, made famous by Laura Calder, but i've adapted. it's perfect for the fall season!



Poulet Au Paprika!!

Ingredients

• I never eat meat on the bone, so I like to use 4 big boneless chicken breasts, but you can use 4 chicken legs, split between thigh and drumstick if you’re some sort of caveperson.

• 1 pinch Salt and pepper

• 1 tablespoon bacon drippings or oil. I keep my bacon fat in what I call The Fat Can, in my freezer so it doesn’t stink.

• 1 red pepper, cut into roughly 2-inch/5 cm julienne. That’s French for thin strips, bitches.

• 1 onion, sliced, not diced!

• You could use half of a small fennel bulb, finely chopped, but I’m not sure why you’d want to ruin a perfectly lovely dish.

• 1 tablespoon high-quality hot or sweet Hungarian paprika. I opt for sweet, because it’s still pretty hot.

• 2 cloves garlic, minced

• 1/2 cup white wine. Plonk is fine; I use a buttery Chardonnay or Sauvignon Blanc. Where did I put my wine glass?

• 2 tomatoes, roughly chopped

• 1 bay leaf

• 2 tablespoons sour cream, or crème fraîche, if you’re a fancy bitch like me.

• A lovely squeeze of lemon juice (which is totally optional, but I always do it!)

Directions

Season the chicken with salt and pepper. Heat the fat in a sauté pan, or even better, a cast iron dutch oven like a Le Creuset and brown the meat on all sides. Don’t overcrowd the pan; work in batches if you must.

Remove the chicken and drain off all but a tablespoon of fat from the pan. Lower the heat and add the julienned pepper, onion, (here’s where you’ll add the fennel if you’re using it), and paprika. Cook until soft, but not coloured, about 12 minutes, adding the garlic for the final minute.

Deglaze the pan with the wine. A few stirs with a wooden spoon will bring up all those delicious brown bits on the bottom of your pan!

Add the tomatoes and bay leaf and season with salt and pepper. Put the chicken back in. Cover the pan, and cook, turning the meat occasionally, until tender, about 30 minutes.

Remove the chicken to a serving platter and cover with foil to keep warm. Turn up the heat under the sauce and boil down to sauce consistency, about 8-10 minutes.

Turn off the heat, stir through the sour cream or fancy crème fraiche and then check the seasonings (including the paprika, adding more if you like). Pour over the chicken, and serve with roasted or mashed potatoes.

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #3 - Huggy Jon's "You Name It" Dessert

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #3 - Huggy Jon's "You Name It" Dessert

I'm proposing a very tasty little dessert that I've already posted on my old blog last year. It's very easy to make. All you need are three ingredients you can find at any grocery store near you.

First this:



Doesn't have to be this brand of course! Can be homemade if you already have some. I personally prefer the little-berry jam (raspberry-blackberry-blueberry).

Second, you'll need this:


(vol-au-vent)

and third, this:


(ice cream)

Vanilla works best for this recipe although I wouldn't know since I've never tried with another flavor!!!

Put one scoop of ice cream in heated pastry we call here "vol-au-vent" (fly in the wind) and then pour some lightly heated jam on top of it and you should get something that looks like this:



The flower is optional.

I don't have a name for the dish but I hope some of you will come up with something well-fitting.

Bon Appétit!

xoxo
Huggy Jon

UPDATE:
Oh and don't forget to heat up the vol au vent in the oven for about 10 minutes to bring it's fluffy-ness back (should I add BEFORE you put the ice cream?). You can warm up the jam in the microwave.

Contrast is the key here:
-the hot jam vs the cold ice cream
-the flaky-ness of the pastry vs the silky softness of said ice cream.

And I use a fork AND a knife to eat it: you cannot cut this thing with just a fork as easily as a pie or a ca....

Ooops! I almost said the Word

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #2 - LX's Traditional Cranberries

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #2 - LX's Traditional Cranberries



TRADITIONAL CRANBERRIES

This is my signature dish for both Thanksgiving and Christmas as it is the perfect companion to turkey.

Ingredients:

1 can jellied cranberry sauce

Preparation:

Remove both ends of can.

Push product onto plate.

Slice.

Did I win yet?

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #1 - Ute's German Style Casserole

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #1 - Ute's German Style Casserole



GERMAN STYLE CASSEROLE

This is an old family favourite. And one that pretty much anyone can do without stuffing it up too much. It's a great one to slap together when you're in a hurry, and cbf faffing about. It's a one pot wonder, and great on a cold winters night. Enjoy!

4 Medium potatoes
1 Onion
500g. ( 1 pound ) Mince (ground beef)
1 can tinned tomatoes
Oregano, salt and pepper

Preheat oven to 180C (360F).

Slice the potatoes & layer them in a greased casserole dish. Thinly slice the onions & layer them over potatoes.

Shape the mince into small patties (golf ball or smaller size) & place on top.

Season with salt & pepper. Mash tinned tomatoes, pour over the whole, sprinkle with oregano.

Bake at 180C for 2 hours with the lid on.

Serve with steamed carrots, broccoli or other veges of your choice, and fresh crusty bread.

Filthy Friday - Kitchen Queen Contest Edition

Mistress MJ found THIS in one of the recipe entries...


[via]

Any idea who it belongs to?

The Kitchen Queen Contest begins on SATURDAY, Bitches!

Kitchen Queen Dreams

With the Kitchen Queen Contest rapidly approaching, let’s chat a little about what you can expect here on Infomaniac this month.

One recipe entry per day will be posted throughout the month of November.



You will be judged by a panel of your peers. Above, we see the judges picking at Norma’s dusty muffin. “Too yeasty” was the final verdict.

Judges (that’s you, Bitches) will be asked to comment on each entry as they are posted.

Later, a “Voting Day” post will be published in which you will be asked to review all the previous entries and decide who deserves to be crowned the KITCHEN QUEEN.

In your role as judge, consider your overall impression of the recipe and what makes it stand out from the rest.

All recipes were submitted with photographs to give you an idea of how they should look when they’re prepared. Some entrants kindly provided photographs of the item they had cooked/baked themselves whilst other entrants provided photos from magazines, cookbooks or online materials.

There’s something for everyone in this contest as there's a good mix of sweet and savoury.

Let's just hope it doesn't come to a tie.

Below, judges face the difficult decision of selecting a superior muffin…Norma’s? or Cookie’s?...

Wenis Wednesday - HalloWENIS Edition

Happy HalloWENIS, Bitches!


[Source, via Zenfancy]

Weathering the Storm

The lines are open here at Infomaniac...



Let us know if you're high, dry and accounted for.

Doubtless, some Bitches are without power and cannot comment but if you've heard anything from them at all, let us know.

We have it on good authority that the artiste known as kabuki zero is safe after an unfortunate event...

Batten Down Your Snatches!

To those in the path of the "Frankenstorm," we here at Infomaniac advise that you batten down your snatches, er, hatches.



Stay safe, Bitches.

"DID I WIN YET?"

The award for “The most repetitive and most reliably asked question from any Infomaniac Bitch” goes to LX aka Mr. Lax.



You win, Mr. Lax!

Thanks to our very own Princess for creating this award.

Sweetening the Prize Pot

What is Miss Scarlet doing in this photo, you ask?

She is sweetening the already fabulous prize pot for you Bitches, THAT’S what.

As you already know, the lucky winner of the Kitchen Queen Contest will receive the DINNER OF A LIFETIME at Ms. Nations’ home in scenic Sumas, Washington.



NOW, in addition to THAT fabulous prize, Miss Scarlet offers you a little something extra!

Miss Scarlet will personally create a handmade “Kitchen Queen” card, written in her exquisite calligraphy.

Click here to see examples of Miss Scarlet’s calligraphy.

If you've looked in Infomaniac's sidebar, you've seen Miss Scarlet's "I'm an Infomaniac Bitch" card...



Thanks to both Ms. Nations and Miss Scarlet for their outstanding contributions to the Kitchen Queen Contest.

And remember...

Deadline for the Kitchen Queen Contest is October 31st.

Divine Decadence

News of Norma's baking skills spreads far and wide.

Divine stops by to sample Norma's chocolate mousse recipe...

Filthy Friday - MoHo Edition

“Sexual relations are proper only between a man and a woman who are legally and lawfully wedded as husband and wife. Any other sexual relations, including those between persons of the same gender, are sinful and undermine the divinely created institution of the family. The Church accordingly affirms defining marriage as the legal and lawful union between a man and a woman."

--LDS Handbook 2
21.4.10









See more Mormon Missionary Positions here.

Bake-Off Bitchfight

Looks like things are heating up in the Infomaniac test kitchens as preparations get underway for the Kitchen Queen Contest!

Mistress MJ entered the kitchen to find Cookie (left) giving the stink eye to Norma...



At that point, the doorbell rang and Mistress MJ left to attend to the delivery boy.

Hearing a ruckus in the kitchen, Mistress MJ returned to discover that Norma had pushed Cookie's fat ass into the oven!


[thanks, Montreal Jon!]

Norma's voice rang out throughout the kitchen...

"BTW COOKIE, I'VE PAINTED MY ENTIRE KITCHEN JUNGLE RED!"

The competition is FIERCE, Bitches.

Get YOUR entry in by October 31st.

Details here.

BIG WEENIES

[via]

Only ONE MORE WEEK to submit your entry to the KITCHEN QUEEN CONTEST!!!

Submit your recipe, with photo(s), by Wednesday, October 31st.

Details here.

A big THANK YOU to those Bitches who've submitted early.