Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Arse-Kicking Machines

User-operated amusement apparatus for kicking the user's buttocks

Bend over, rotate the crank, and the boots on the blades of this apparatus will give you a good kick in the arse.

Butt hold on! This guy…

Bob Booth

… claims to have the World’s Only Ass-Kicking Machine.

Alleged “World’s Only Ass-Kicking Machine” in Wirtz, Virginia.

“Bob reported that at least once, the thing "started up by itself," and, well, kicked his ass.”

And yet another arse-kicking machine found on eBay. Possibly belonging to Heather Mills…

I can’t keep up with the arse-kicking technology!

What use would you have for an arse-kicking machine?


  1. Replace the 'feet' with hands holding toilet tissue and you've got yourself an arse wiper.

    Just remember to change the paper after one rotation otherwise it'll just be a muck spreader...

  2. As I showed that cyborg from the future, no one Kicks Old Knudsen's arse though many a dog has licked peanut butter from my rusty bullet hole.

  3. IVD: Why would I need an arse wiper when I have Piggy’s sleeve?

    KNUDSEN: That reminds me…I need a tetanus shot or I’ll get lockjaw.

  4. I have that picture of Vince Vaughn sucking dick that you wanted to see up on my blog, even though you didn't do the meme and I may die soon.

  5. KNUDSEN: Vince's technique sucks.

    He's doing it all wrong.

    Don't give me that "I may die soon" routine. It's getting old and smells like the time you pissed in your cap.

  6. It's when you try to imagine what market you're aiming for that it all goes 'tits up'.

  7. My sleeves? You cheeky cunt.


    I'd have no use for an arse kicking machine.

  8. TICKERS: Or if it goes "tits over arse."

    PIGGY: Yes, your sleeve.

    I've suggested to Garfy over at his that he use your sleeve to clean up after his hey nonny Norovirus.

    You have no use for an arse kicker as your trotters are doing a fine job of it on their own.

  9. I'd form a band and we'd play some kick ass Southern boogie.

  10. Was it devised for Americans who inexplicably voted for Bush?

  11. I'd use it to kick Geoff's arse out of bed before 11.30 in the morning at weekends.

    Only joking ... or am I?

  12. I AM an ass (arse to you weird talking forgeiners) kicking machine! Wanna make something of it?!?!?

  13. I would replace the foot with piggy's sleeve (only if MJ hasnt used it first)

  14. ooo, in other news: I've recieved a Petit Paquet from Canuckistan in the mail today.

    News at 11:00.

  15. GEOFF: See comment to Betty.

    HE: They’ll have to go into mass production if that’s the case.

    The Dixie Chicks could do the infomercial.

    BETTY: Give your southern boogie man Geoff a break and he’ll work hard to bring home the back bacon.

    Don’t mess with genius and remember…

    He’s a “Free Bird.” A “Midnight Man.” He was born a “Ramblin’ Man.”

    Don’t make him play them “Mean Woman Blues.”

    BEAST: For you, I’m sure Piggy would replace the foot with his smooth, bald head for maximum comfort and cleanliness.

    RIMMER: Have you wound it up and watched it kick Bavarian arse?

  16. I would attach them to the rear of my riverboat navy and take over sweden.

    nobody would suspect a thing.

  17. I want to see a meterite collide with Uranus.

  18. Yes I spelt that the Canadian way for your comfort.

  19. FN: Could you invade Denmark instead?

    Or maybe you have already. We seem to be missing our CyberDane today.

    SID: I’d like to see a meteorite (correct spelling) collide with your asteroid.

    Or should that be ARSEteroid?