Friday, April 27, 2007

A Briton Walks Into a Pub

How do you tell an Englishman from a Scotsman from a Welshman from an Irishman?

No, this isn't a joke.

Who's who?

In yet another attempt to enlighten this ignorant Canuck, I'm asking you citizens of the British Isles (and Kav) if you can tell who's who just by looking at each other. How do you tell each other apart? Can you look at a Scot and know he’s/she’s a Scot on sight? Or English? Or Welsh? Or Irish?

Your nationalities are obvious when you open your big gobs to speak but what about physical appearance? Facial features? Mannerisms? Style of dress?

As for the Canucks and Americans, can WE tell each other apart by appearance?

All Canadians look like this. Wearing “toques” (knitted winter hats) on our heads and equipped with a case of “two-four.” A “two-four” is a box of 24 beer bottles, dontcha know.

And what about regional differences?

Typical Yorkshireman?

Does a Yorkshireman look different than someone from Dorset, for example?

Dorset Mong. Don’t let the cap tell you otherwise.

Over to you, bitches.


  1. First again!

    I can think of millions of things to say to this post. But, alas, I think it best to keep my big arsed mouth shut!!

  2. No, you silly person, there are no differences.
    Although that is not a Yorkshireman. He is smiling.

  3. Why have you got Paul Merton, and Englishman, in a picture to illustrate Canadians?

    There's no easy way to tell where a Brit is from just by looking at their features or the way they're dressed.

    You asked in the previous post's comments why the English, Irish, Scots and Welsh don't get along too well. The answer is because we've had millenia of invading each other, taking over each others' land, women, etc. So much so that it is now a genetic reaction.

    BTW nobody wants Celine Dion

  4. All Welsh over 40 years old have moustashes. Including the women.

    They are all portly except those from Pontypool. In Pontypool the men all look like Orks. Once they reach 40 they become portly and walk with sticks.

  5. Once welsh women reach 40 thier bodies consist almost entirely of breasts.
    This isn't a good thing.

  6. This is easy.

    If an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman walk into the pub. You can tell the Scotsman because of his spots (too many deep fried Pizzas & Mars Bars) also he will be hanging back hoping the other will buy the round of drinks.
    The Irishman will be wearing a little green hat with a shamrock on it and have a bright red beard.
    The Englishman will look like Michangelo's David - only with a bigger penis

  7. AWA: Bet you can’t keep quiet all day.

    CONNIE: Dave Thomas was separated at birth from Paul Merton.

    Admit it. You want Celine Dion.

    VICUS: Tazzy’s not smiling. He has gas.

    TICKERS: So basically you’re saying the Welsh are all big hairy tits.

    FROBI: And the Englishman is wearing a wig. If he’s from Bournemouth.

  8. Firstly - I am NOT from Dorset, I am from London. You can tell that from the lack of a scruffy, worn out tweed jacket and no long piece of straw hanging from my mouth.
    And secondly - due to generations of unfortunate crossbreeding between the English and all of their subordinate nations it is almost impossible to tell the difference between any of us now! It is just a case of waiting 'til they open their gobs.
    You can't always tell the difference then, though.
    Really, why bother trying?

  9. Everyone in the UK looks the same thanks to the abscence of natural Sunlight.

    MJ, as it has become quite apparent that you are CanaDUH's most outspoken Monarchist, I have a copy of the Charter of Rights for you to burn as you mourn the egalitarian morass left behind by the termination of the Divine Right of Kings...
    oh, and a new picture of Oliver Cromwell for your dartboard!

    Serfs Up!

  10. Its more complicated than that I'm afraid ... people from Cornwall usually wear knee length stripey socks, those from Kent wear smocks and no undies - but those are countyry people. Townies are usually dressed in either pin striped suits or tailored shorts and short sleeved shirts and a tie, like someone from the Afrika Korp. Apart from London where everyone is either a rastafarian or live in cklands and has an inexplicable job in the City. Apart from old people....

  11. STEVE: What about the long trail of bogroll on your shoe? Is that an indicator of where you’re from?

    HE: Me a monarchist? Pah!

    In Vancouver everyone looks the same due to the lack of sunshine. And the prevalence of Gore-Tex as the Provincial Fabric.

    MUTLEY: And the “bad teeth” image that hasn’t completely died out yet over here when people think of Brits. Although you can see that Tazzy has a lovely set of chompers.

  12. So are you off to Wreck Beach this weekend?

    I know it's out of fashion,
    And a trifle uncool.
    But I can't help it,
    I'm a bloggin' fool.
    It's a habit of mine,
    To watch the pants go down.
    On 'Ole Wreck Beach,
    Everything droops down.

    From nine till five I have to blog instead of work.
    The job is very boring I'm an office clerk.
    The only thing that helps me pass the time away.
    Is knowing I'll see some Willy at Wreck Beach Sunday.

    Wreck Beach,
    far away in Time.
    Wreck Beach,
    never see a tan line!
    Wreck Beach,
    far away in Time.
    Wreck Beach,
    everybodys seen mine!

  13. HE: Even if Stormin' Norman's buffalo burgers were being offered at a discount, I wouldn’t go down to Wreck Beach.
    a) No Porta-Potties and I’m not peeing in the ocean.
    b) It’s never going to stop raining.
    c) I don’t want to see everyone’s droopy, flaccid bits. Unfortunately there’s more of those on the beach than the perky, tight bits.
    The gay part of the beach is a treat though.

    I haven’t seen yours! Post pics so I can include them on Monday’s Roundup.

  14. *passed out on carpet next to beanbag chair, decorated with olive pits and beer labels*

  15. *revives FN with a burrito*

  16. I always use "The Zimmy Pub Test".
    If you walk into a pub & a bloke scowls at you chances are he is a Scot(they are a misery drunk).If you walk in and he is smiling & relaxed then he might be Irish(they are good at drinking).If he blanks you he is from London (obvious).If he offers to buy you a drink he is not from Yorkshire.
    And, ladies, if he is handsome:wearing a tux in a James Bond-manner........he might well be half-Polish/half Scottish with a sexy Hebden Bridge accent.
    That was easy!Any more questions?

  17. TONY: "Any more questions?"

    Yeah, I was going to ask if you'd buy me a drink. But since the sexy Pole/Scot is from Yorkshire, I guess that's a moot point.

  18. I saw plenty of Wrecks that had 'washed up' on shore at Wreck Beach..actually I wish that they had atleast 'washed up', bunch of old Hippys((shudders))

    I was expecting 'Rack' Beach not 'Wretch' Beach!

  19. come on down to teddybear beach, homoE. just off chuckanut drive, it's where where the men are hairy and the geoducks are nervous.

  20. *chomping burrito*
    yo, mj, flick me some hotsauce, bitch!

  21. HE: FN's not making up that name "Chuckanut Drive." It's a scenic drive along Washington State's coast. I bet FN's chucked a few nuts along that byway.

    FN: Flick you some hotsauce? Not without some foreplay first, you nasty ho.

  22. Oh crap I commented yesterday but I got it all stuck in my G mail or g string account so it never showed, what I said was.

    SID should be able to back me up on being able to tell catholic (Irish then) and Prods (British) in Norn Iron apart.
    Its a survival thing you just know by the clothes and haircut but if they are wearing Rangers or Celtic tops that really helps.

    Tickers looks English, Kav is generic and Tony well the slav side wins,a good answer he had about the pub, me I look like a Greek God but less hairy.

  23. "What You Drinking Girl?"
    Im not your typical Tight fisted Yorkshire/ long as its Vodka & you buy me another the next round,no problem!
    I will meet you @ The Frog& Bucket in Mytholmroyd @ 7.30 pm tonight.'if your late i will start without you!

  24. KNUDSEN: Thanks for retrieving the lost comment as I didn't want to have to go fishing in your G-string to pull it out. That old trick is getting stale. You're gonna have to come up with a new angle to get me into your trousers.

    TONY: I'll have to raise my glass to you tonight from afar. I can't go to the airline and request a ticket for a town whose name I can't pronounce now can I?

  25. Can't tell what nationality the dude in the green shirt is 'cos his head's up some other dude's arse....

  26. This is getting far too complicated. The Irish are all handsome (or beautiful, in the case of the men) charmers with plenty to say and not much time to say it in. As for the rest of them, well, once we get chatting to you you'll never want to talk to anyone again, so you'll never even bother your hole finding out.

  27. JJ: I long for the days of the naked Olympics.

    KAV: *falls into dreamlike trance*
    Everything you say is the gospel truth. The rest of you, shut it. Kav has spoken.