Talking Turkey

It’s Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada.

Why I won’t be purchasing a turkey to cook on Thanksgiving Day…



…especially (don’t click on the link if you’re sensitive, like me, to animal cruelty) a Butterball turkey.

Recently, I was watching a television programme where a turkey farmer was being interviewed. In the background, a “tom” (male turkey) was fidgeting about. The interviewer asked, “What is that turkey doing?” to which the farmer replied, “He’s masturbating.”

The fact that a turkey was frantically masturbating on national television and this event was treated like it was nothing unusual, gave me pause for thought. (And I know what you’re thinking. A masturbating turkey sounds rather amusing but I was not laughing.)

Because suddenly it hit me why the turkey was masturbating.

Today’s “super turkeys” (also known as the “Broad Breasted White”); the kind most often found in your supermarket, are bred on overcrowded factory farms for maximum breast size. Because of their over-sized breasts, the toms are too heavy to mate naturally with the hens. The hens must be artificially inseminated. It’s a traumatic experience for both males and females. So is it any wonder that the turkey on TV was masturbating?



Call me old-fashioned but in my opinion, this isn’t right.

The hens are never in contact with their chicks. As a result, the chicks don’t learn survival skills based on behavioural clues from their mothers, not to mention that hen and chick are deprived of maternal bonding.


Above: How it should be.

Turkeys not forced to live on factory farms “spend their days caring for their young, building nests, foraging for food, taking dust baths, preening themselves, and roosting high in trees.” These simple, natural pleasures are denied the factory farm turkeys.

Oh, and did I mention that due to their large size, factory farm turkeys can’t run or fly? Wild turkeys can fly at speeds up to 55 miles an hour and run 18 miles an hour. Factory farm turkeys don’t run; they waddle.

The turkeys our ancestors raised or purchased, known today as “heritage turkeys,” have become rare breeds although there are efforts underway to increase their numbers.

I'm not insisting that we all become vegetarians but the manner in which the food industry operates must be challenged and changed.

So if you do eat turkey, perhaps you’ll consider purchasing a local, organic, small farm-raised turkey, or a heritage turkey instead. Even if the issue of ethical turkey farming isn’t important to you, you’ll notice an improvement in the flavor.

The Key to the Closet Door

"Some men drink to drown their sorrows, others to hide their fears. For a great many latent gays, alcohol holds the key to the closet door."

Does this...


[via Zenfancy]

Lead to this?...


[via Zenfancy]

If so, you may be a latent homosexual with a drinking problem...

"Latent homosexuals often require the excuse of "being drunk" before they are able to give in to their true sexual desires."

"As a bachelor and a construction foreman, George enjoyed a well-paying job and ample opportunity to engage in all the heterosexual activities he could want or need."


[via]

"The fact that he seemed to drink excessively was attributed to the stereotype of the hard-drinking construction worker and to his own admission that he liked "getting drunk with the boys.""

So why not join the Infomaniac Drinking Team...


[via]

... and get drunk with the boys!

The Infomaniac Drinking Team: Here for you, whatever the season, whatever the reason.

Anouk Aïata

We here at Infomaniac enjoy listening to the songs of Parisienne chanteuse, Anouk Aïata.



Anouk cites a few of her influences as Ella Fitzgerald, Barbra Streisand, and Dalida.

Combining jazz, folk, and gypsy rhythms, her music is the perfect tonic after a long day of all work and no play.

Listen for yourself as she sings, accompanied by cellist Amos Mâh, “Pourquoi regardes-tu la lune?” (Why Are You Looking At The Moon?); a song about a woman who catches her lover staring wistfully at the moon…

Beat the Clock

It's time someone got off their arse and posted something new around here, isn't it?

Small Cock

We here at Infomaniac hope to be up and running again soon. In the meantime, here's a small cock...


[via]

Close-up in case you didn't notice it the first time...

I've Fallen But I CAN Get Up

Mistress MJ has been down...



But she is about to dust herself off and get back up again!...


[photos via]

I shall be out-of-town for several days but I look forward to visiting with you Bitches upon my return.

Interlude

Due to a series of unfortunate events, Mistress MJ has retreated to her fainting chaise but will return when the sombre mood has lifted.

Wenis Wednesday

In Bed (And Breakfast) With Mitzi

It's time to remove your blindfolds as we reveal our surprise MYSTERY GUEST!



Our special GUEST BLOGGER (Infomaniac's first guest blogger ever!) is our MITZI from England. Mitzi has written a shocking, tell-all account of her trip to The Royal Albion Hotel, situated on the South coast of England in Brighton.

Take it away, Mitzi!

The Royal Albion Hotel Brighton

The Royal Albion Hotel is a Regency style hotel.

It looks magnificent and if you squint, really squint, you could almost mistake it for Buckingham Palace...



The Royal Albion Hotel Brighton: THE REALITY

After a staggering eight an half hour journey, we finally arrived at the Royal Albion hotel.


Reception area all fur coat and no knickers.

We were greeted by a cat in the hallway doing something unmentionable with it’s tongue, to it’s nether regions. When our coach party had gathered together at the reception area, we were given a brief talking to by the receptionist, about meal times etc. She looked like a walking tomb and as old as Methuselah. She had two front teeth missing which made it difficult for any of us to understand a word she was saying.



This way

As she handed out our key, I asked her what time breakfast was. I wished I hadn’t because she had halitosis that could have stripped paint.


Room with a view

Later, as I was inspecting the room, I thought back about the cat I saw earlier on and realised that the poor beast was only making an effort to clean itself, which is something the staff at the Royal Albion failed to do to our room.


Would you park your arse on that?

I sat down gingerly on the bed and looked around at the dismal surroundings. The walls were stark and bare.



The carpet was old, threadbare, covered in stains and hadn’t seen a Hoover since ABBA won the Eurovision Song Contest with Waterloo.


Meg Mortimer sees a stain on the carpet.




There was not a piece of gold or velvet to be seen. I shuddered at the lack of opulence around me. Carmen (my maid) sat on her bed and began to laugh. Then I began to laugh. We laughed until our sides ached. The hilarity helped to hide the fact that we were staying in a complete and utter shithole.

The tea making facilities were barely adequate. Two coffee sachets, two tea-bags, four sachets of sugar and four mini UHT milk cartons. No biscuits!

Breakfast was a grim affair. We had to share a table with a couple of strangers! Can you imagine that? An old couple from Leeds. Their table manners left a lot to be desired. They both licked their knives and, horror of horrors, the man leant over on one buttock to let a noise escape saying, ‘better out, then in.’ I left after that, gave them both a withering look and never returned to the dining room for the duration of the holiday; choosing instead, to eat out.

I put all my complaints into the customer feedback book, and added that the black mold spores growing on the window were a nice touch, but the skid mark on the towel was revolting!

The only good thing about the Royal Albion hotel was leaving it.


Note from Mistress MJ: Thank you, GUEST BLOGGER Mitzi, for this informative hotel review. 

We hope one day to read another installment of "In Bed (And Breakfast) With Mitzi."... a must-read for the discerning traveller.



Photos of the hotel via TripAdvisor.

Mystery Guest

Tomorrow we'll have a guest blogger here on Infomaniac.

Can you guess the identity of our Mystery Guest?



To make sure that you don't peek, we've blindfolded you, our panel.

And can you guess what our mystery guest might have on tap as a topic?

Go ahead. Ask questions. But don't expect us to reveal the answer until tomorrow.







We think you'll be pleasantly surprised when our guest blogger's identity is revealed.

Let's Bring Back: Part Six, T-Z

Welcome to Part Six of "Let's Bring Back." If you missed our discussion on what this is all about, click here.

Note: If an item on this list is highlighted in blue, you can click on it, if you wish, for a description.

Let's bring back...

Table manners


[via]

Table etiquette is a topic we'll explore further in future but for now, here are the basics of what diners need to know but don't always remember:

1. Chew with your mouth closed and do not talk with food in your mouth.
2. Turn your cell phone off at the table.
3. Always say "please" and "thank you."

I should also like to point out that pleasant dinner conversation does not include the details of your colonoscopy.



Tailoring



Bespoke clothing for men and women are made-to-order, hand-made garments, customized specifically for you, by a skilled tailor. Your pattern is then stored by the tailor for future reference should you wish to order another garment.

Bespoke suits fit beautifully and comfortably and are of the highest craftsmanship. Every man should enjoy the luxury of owning a bespoke suit.

Be advised: Your tailor may ask whether you dress to the right or the left. Depending on your answer, the tailor will cut the cloth of your trousers to accommodate your "member" to make sure you get the best possible fit.



Top hats for formal occasions



Not only will you look dapper, a top hat will conceal your bald spot.



Turbans


[via]



Our Normadesmond never leaves home without a turban.



Typewriters




[via]

It wasn't long ago that typewriters were a standard piece of equipment in every office and in many homes.

Times have changed...


...but my love of the typewriter lingers.

I like the clickety-clack sound they make as you strike the keys and the cheery "ding" of the bell as you approach the end of a line of prose.

I'm sure nobody today misses using correction fluid. There is definitely something to be said for the "delete" button on computers. Nor do you have to deal with jammed keys and changing the ribbon on a computer as you do on a typewriter. But consider this...typewriters, unlike computers, were built to last a lifetime.

Typewriters of famous people...

[via]

But is the typewriter dead? Those who belong to the typosphere are keeping it alive.

Typewriter enthusiasts take note: A documentary film entitled "The Typewriter (In The 21st Century)" has received a distribution deal. You can watch the trailer here.



Vanity tables



A vanity table is a "dressing table used to apply makeup, preen, and coif hair. The table is normally quite low and similar to a desk, with drawers and one or more mirrors atop. Either a chair or bench is used to sit upon."





A well-dressed vanity table would include matching hand mirrors and hairbrushes as part of a "toilette set."







The word "mirror" was once considered vulgar and middle-class by the upper classes who referred to mirrors instead as "looking glasses."

Wouldn't you feel more glamorous getting ready for your soirée at a vanity table?


Wits

Think Oscar Wilde or Dorothy Parker...



...or our very own Infomaniac Bitches.

Give yourselves a round of applause.

You're all FABULOUS and a constant source of amusement to me.



The Ziegfeld Follies



Let's bring back the lavish song and dance revues that were the Ziegfeld Follies. Famous for its top entertainers and beautiful chorus girls (known as Ziegfeld Girls,) these elaborate theatrical productions ran from 1907 through 1931 on Broadway.


Above: Dolores Costello: Ziegfeld Girl and Drew Barrymore's grandmother. Note that she is standing in front of a "dressing screen" which we brought back in Part Two of this series.

Ziegfeld Girls who went on to fame include Barbara Stanwyck, Paulette Goddard, Joan Blondell, Louise Brooks, Gypsy Rose Lee, and Josephine Baker, amongst others.

Their daring, dazzling, opulent costumes were worth the price of admission alone, designed by the likes of Erté and Lady Duff Gordon.


Ziegfeld Girls: The Dolly Sisters


Mary Nolan aka Imogene Wilson, Cobra costume, Ziegfeld Follies, 1920



We here at Infomaniac would not only like to bring back the Ziegfeld Follies, we'd like to see an all-male revue too!



Which of the above would you Bitches like to bring back?

And would you add anything to this "T-Z" list?