Dream Interpretation

Last night I had the strangest dream…



Your interpretations are welcome.

Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service

The staff of Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service (pictured above) is manning the phone lines, ready to match up prospective clients with you, Infomaniac’s readers.Note that this is a junior staff-in-training member. Our regular staff member (pictured on Monday) ran off with Leah, an Infomaniac reader. It’s hard to keep good help around here.


Today’s client comes to us from Philadelphia, Pennsylvannia in the United States.

In honour of the birthday girl (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAIDY!) today Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service will attempt to auction off Maidy to the highest bidder.


Maidy


Both men and women may bid on Maidy as she’s not fussy. She’s quite the lezzer but she likes the odd bit of cock as well.

Bid whatever you can. Don’t get too carried away. A few Mars Bars or shiny objects and she’s all yours.

Let the bidding begin.

Oh, a word of warning. There’s a good reason why Maidy is nicknamed the American Psycho Bitch from Hell. Buyer Beware. That’s all I’m sayin’.

Perv of the Day

Welcome to another edition of Perv of the Day.

Infomaniac will, from time to time, seek out the perviest perverts and parade them pantless in front of you, the judge and jury.



THE PERV: Gary Cleary, 34.

THE PLACE: Orford, Warrington, Cheshire, England.

THE PERVERSION: Cleary, aroused by the sound of women urinating, was ejected from the Lord Rodney pub after going back and forth to the women’s toilets. He had been drinking heavily and had been listening to them urinate.

He was told to leave after a staff member found him. He then went into the Goldon Lion pub where he tried on a pair of heeled shoes.

THE PUNISHMENT: Released from custody with a strict warning from the judge.

Cleary has a string of convictions for indecent exposure and had been on remand for 118 days after appearing before Chester Magistrates for two further offences of exposure.

The judge explained, “You have got to stop behaving like this otherwise you are going to get into serious trouble. If you do this again or get into any worse trouble you will serve longer and longer orders. I hope this order will help you. Don’t do it again.”

Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service

The staff of Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service (pictured above) are manning the phone lines, ready to match up prospective clients with you, Infomaniac’s readers.

Today’s client comes to us all the way from Yorkshire, England.

He’s looking for love and hopes to meet one of you for a rollicking romance.



NAME: Piggy.

NICKNAME: Pigsty.

SEX: *checks under curly corkscrew tail*

Male…ish.

HEIGHT: Barely taller than me in heels and I’m 5’3 ½.

AGE: Old age pensioner.

HOBBIES: Moaning; whingeing; sucking on sticks of rock; diddling his wee willie; updating his collection of toenail clippings; roller-coaster riding; bowling.



Don’t be put off by the shapeless arse



LOOKING FOR: Anyone who can tolerate rancid farts and ginger pubic hair. And anyone who has a willie this big…




Attention, Infomaniac readers.

If this sounds like a match made in heaven for you, let us know why and what you have to offer in return.

Or perhaps you’d just like to offer your opinion and rate this date on a scale from one to ten?

SID Goes to Fat Camp

SID, a kunty klown

Our Stupid Irish Daddy (SID) has finally returned from a grueling four-month stint of diet and exercise at Fat Camp.


SID on his way to Fat Camp


Four months is a long absence and Infomaniac's newer readers may not be familiar with SID.

So here's a little background.

SID hails from Northern Ireland, smells of boiled cabbage and Guinness farts, and is my Number One Bitch.

Did I mention he's a fat Irish cunt?

Or to quote Monsieur Garfer, "Sid's arse is bigger than a Lambeg drum, and a tad less taut."


Drum pictured above: approximate size of SID’s fat arse


Do not, I repeat, do NOT click this link to look at SID’s pendulous moobs.

SID is a lard-arse of Brobdingnagian proportions and has tried every diet and exercise routine known to mankind, short of chopping off his head....a suggestion of mine that he didn't take kindly to.

Sadly, this paunchy, potato-munching, pot-bellied Paddy had become such a behemoth, that the only course of action left for him was to attend Fat Camp.

So let's look in on SID's progress, shall we?

Infomaniac has obtained EXCLUSIVE PHOTO RIGHTS to SID's slim-down.

See for yourself...


The new and improved slimmed-down SID


Congratulations, SID! Well done!

Moon Amtrak

Mooning the Amtrak trains: an American tradition


All day Saturday, July 12, 2008 is the 29th Annual Mooning of Amtrak in Laguna Niguel (Orange County) California.

In 1979, at The Mugs Away Saloon, K.T.Smith told his buddies he'd buy a drink for all who would run outside to the railroad tracks and "moon" the next train, which many did. The mooning tradition has prevailed, but there is no longer a volunteer to buy free drinks for thousands of "Mooners."

Want to join in? Just gather by the chain link fence across from Mugs Away Saloon and drop your pants when the train rolls by.

Note: Yes, I’ve blogged about this event before but it’s summer, dammit, and I can post reruns if I feel like it.



Moon over Amtrak

Filthy Friday – Summer Hols Edition

Summer Hols – Day 2

On Day Two of my summer vacation I met up with this amiable bunch of beach bums . . .


(clicking the pic brings them up close and personal...share the experience!)


They expressed an interest in signing up for the Fag, Hag and the Odd Slag Dating Service!

Summer Hols – Day 1

For the next few posts, Infomaniac presents scenes from my summer vacation.

Day 1: Weenie Roast…

Still on Vacation

Infomaniac is still on hols.

Regular posting will resume on Wednesday, July 9th.

See you then, bitches.

CANADA DAY

Today is Canada Day, Canada’s national holiday.




Remember that Planet Oz post where we examined what makes Australians a unique people?

Infomaniac will employ a similar outline to show you foreigners what makes Canada such a great nation.

Let’s get started, shall we? Observe and learn.




Our houses are well-insulated against the cold Canadian winters…






We have an efficient transit system…


Snowshoes




The snowmobile or “Ski-Doo”




Laugh at our funny fashion sense…


Canadian hockey commentator Don Cherry, known for his sartorial statements.





Sample our Canadian cuisine…


Poutine: The Canadian holy trinity of fries, gravy and cheese curds.




Kraft Dinner: A staple of the Canadian diet, I’ve gone on at length about “KD” here.




Fiddleheads




Beaver Tails





Nun's Farts




Maple Syrup




Nanaimo Bars





Butter Tarts




Canada is the donut capital of the world.




Get buzzed on our hooch…


Screech




We’re a nation of sportsmen…







A land of unique and fascinating wildlife…


Marmot




Musk Oxen




Moose



Yes, most of our wildlife starts with the letter “m”.



But let’s not forget our national symbol, the beaver…






Our towns have names that make us titter…



Dildo, Newfoundland




Come By Chance, Newfoundland



Punkeydoodles Corners, Ontario





We have funny money…



The Loonie is our one dollar coin, so named because it bears the image of a loon on one side.



Our two dollar Canadian coin? Yup, it’s called the Toonie.



The rest of our bills look like this…






Every Canadian has a wad of Canadian Tire Money stuffed into his wallet…


Canadian Tire Money can be used to buy automotive products and camping equipment and caulking guns and lots more crap at the Canadian Tire store.




We’re a land of manly men…


WW and Donn…ROWR!



And buxom babes…


MJ



and


Pamela Anderson turns 41 on Canada Day. . Her age has finally caught up to her bust size.




Our telly shows us the way we are…


Trailer Park Boys




Our leaders, just like yours, are buffoons…


Prime Minister Stephen Harper




Our police are on horseback…


Dances with hooves: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police ‘Musical Ride’ is a spectacle showcasing the equestrian skills of the Mounties.




We have a lot of big stuff (future post on Canada’s big roadside attractions to come)...


The Wawa Goose in Wawa, Ontario


Yes, that’s a Canada Goose which, as you may know, produces big droppings…







And now let’s play you out with Stompin’ Tom Connors (popular Canadian folk singer) singing The Good Old Hockey Game…



Stompin’ Tom and hockey. It doesn’t get any more Canadian than that, folks.





THE END