Showing posts with label First Nations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label First Nations. Show all posts

Friday, November 09, 2012

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #7 - Ms. First Nations' Raviolis with Sauce!!!

Kitchen Queen Contest Entry #7 - Ms. First Nations' Raviolis with Sauce!!!


This makes enough to feed three people, with leftovers for lunch!

RAVIOLIS WITH SAUCE!!!

FILLING: Make one day ahead of time and refrigerate, then bring to room temp for use.
-1 ten 0z. bag of spinach, cleaned and stemmed, chopped fine (use a cuisinart...do not puree)
-1 eight-oz ball mozzarella cheese, shredded
-1/2 cup myzithra cheese, grated
-1 tbl. garlic, pureed (more or less, to taste)
-3/4 cup white onion, pureed
-1/3 cup dry bread crumbs (more or less, to perfect consistency)
-Sour cream or whole milk yogurt to moisten
-1 tsp dry oregano, or to taste
-Salt and pepper to taste

Mix ingredients by hand. The consistency should be just moist enough to hold together when formed into a ball, so err on the side of dryness to begin with.


...not quite this dry. But I found a picture of a Croc on fire, and fire makes things dry, and...yeah.

PASTA
Three cups of WHITE all purpose flour
-1 whole egg
-5 egg yolks
-2 tbls olive oil
-Milk to moisten (aprox. 1/2 cup...the amount added will depend on the humidity of the room)
Dump all this into the Cuisinart . Screw you Marcella Hazan. You say it's not authentic if you don't mix this by hand on the counter, fine; then you can just come over to my house and do it yourself. Yeah I thought not.

Dump this out onto the counter and lightly knead, adding milk or flour as needed until it forms a heavy, non-sticky dough. Cover and let set at room temp at least 1 hour. (This needs to be at room temp to 'work' properly, too, so if you have to refrigerate it, take it out a couple of hours beforehand and let it sit until it's up to speed, which is about 75km. It's better if you make it the day you use it, though.)


...this picture bears no relevance to the following.

Now:
Cut dough into 4 pieces. Have plenty of flour on hand for dusting.
-If you have a pasta machine, roll the dusted dough through the 5 setting, fold over, (just this once!!) and run it through again. Take that sheet and thin it through the 3 and then the 2 and set aside on the floured board.

-If you just have a rolling pin (or a wine bottle, like I used for 16 years) then take each piece one at a time, and roll out as flat as you can, fold it over once and then roll it out once more until it is just shy of transparency.
Now simply blop lumps of filling onto one half of the sheet of dough, leaving about 2 inches between each lump. Spray a little water on the filling side, then flap the other half of the dough over the top of it and press all around the lumps with your fingers. Now cut them out any which way, which is very tasty and picturesque and leaves no waste.

Cook in boiling salted water for 2 minutes, drain, then serve immediately with a sauce. OO look, here's one:

AWESOME SAUCE for all your awesome needs


Make this one day ahead of time.
BLEND (in a blender, geeze):
-Olive oil - choose a green, bright, fruity one. The more gunky the better in fact.
and
-Plain old tomato sauce out of the can (be fancy and use San Marzano, although it doesn't matter in the slightest)
with
-A tiny, tiny dab of mayonnaise to emulsify it all. You want a thinnish carrier, like a salad dressing or a soup consistency.
Dump in a bowl and add:
-Chopped black NICOISE olives, (rinse BRIEFLY to remove some of the salt)
-Chopped green MANZANILLA olives (again, rinse BRIEFLY to remove some of the salt)
...and yes, the variety matters.
-Minced garlic to taste
-lemon zest, about 1/2 tsp
-Freshly ground black pepper to taste
Go light with the sauce. These are all very strong flavors. You just want to smooch the raviolis with a little pizazz.
-Top with chopped roasted hazelnuts. THIS MATTERS. You'll see.

And there you go! Is done! Eat it now!

Monday, September 24, 2012

Dinner of a Lifetime

Ms. First Nations has kindly offered you Bitches the DINNER OF A LIFETIME at "Rancho First Nations" and you act like she’s invited you on a canoe trip from hell.

Or as if Cthulhu is poised to pounce upon you from behind her front door.

Or as if THIS is her kitchen…



The reality, Bitches, is that Ms. Nations lives in this charming rural idyll…


[photo by Ms. Nations]

AND she’s a creative, kooky and wonderful hostess who can probably cook you under the table. She’s so good that SHE’LL probably win the Kitchen Queen Contest and so there won’t be any prize for HER since none of you other Bitches have offered up such a fabulous “SUPER DE DUPER TOP SECRET GRAND PRIZE.”

If you’re not feeling the love after dinner (but we’re sure you WILL,) why not excuse yourself and drop in at the local Sumas saloon just down the road?...


[photo by Ms. Nations]

Anyway, no one is holding a gun to your head to MAKE you accept the prize (even though it's America and we KNOW how THEY are about firearms,) so just go ahead and enter the contest.

Let’s allow Ms. Nations to have the final word…

Oh, how you'll all live to regret your jesting comments once the winner returns from a magic weekend at the Rancho with all their limbs intactI MEAN with a gut full of rockin' eats and a liver turned paisley with recreational substances!!! How JEALOUS you'll all be! But no, thats fine...carry on.

"...because all funny aside, kids, I genuinely did mean this as a real offer. We'd be proud to host any of you, and we really do put out amazing food here at the Rancho. But thats fine...really...*snif*..."

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Kitchen Queen Contest Grand Prize

Have you been wondering what you'll win if you're crowned the Infomaniac Kitchen Queen?

The grand prize is courtesy of Ms. First Nations so listen up, Bitches, as she tells you all about it!...



Does your devil-may-care, jet-setting lifestyle allow for wacky weekend getaways in exotic locales? Then this SUPER DE DUPER TOP SECRET GRAND PRIZE can be yours for the price of travel:

THE DINNER OF A LIFETIME
hosted by
FIRSTNATIONS and THE BIKER

You - yes you!! can experience the legendary culinary delights of the Rancho FirstNations table! "How in the name of Thor and all the gods can this be made fact?" you ask.

RULES

1. You win the Recipe Compo!!!!!! and you're all happy and shit. Then...

2. We email back and forth and arrange a time for you to be here!!!! and I explain to you 150 times where Sumas is and that yes it really does exist and refer you to Google Maps until you're convinced. Then:

3. YOU MUST arrange for your own transportation and lodging. All we're doing is making you dinner. But just try and pull some bullshit 'Whoopsie lost my money! However will I get home?' crap. G'head. Try. Yeah, we'll gimp you.

There are two surprisingly nice places to stay nearby

a. Sumas Mountain Lodge, which doesn't seem to have a regular website which is a shame because it's actually a really nice place to stay; I've checked it out in person....and

b. The Kale House in Everson,
...which I've also checked out in person and which is also very nice,

....and several more that absolutely suck, particularly the B&B Border Inn, which you should AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE.

Tell ya what; we won't even mind if you, say, arrive in a motor home and want to park in the driveway overnight...s'ku!! Or if you just want to crash out on the couch or the living room floor, or in a tent in the back yard, or even in the Short Bus, (although I wouldn't if I were you because I know things about that mattress that you don't.) We understand. You'll be too overcome by the sheer fact of having experienced the most amazingly awesome meal you've ever had and nobody wants you out on the roads or trying to interact with the public like that, all staggering around crying and shit, splattered with mustard and drool. It's OK. Just as long as you realize that neither one of us will be giving up a bed for you.

YES IT'S TRUE: WIN THE INFOMANIAC RECIPE COMPETITION AND I'LL COOK YOUR ASS DINNER!!!!!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Tomato Recipes


[via]

Yes, YOU heard me. Tomato recipes.

From time to time, we here at Infomaniac like to come to the aid of those Bitches who need a helping hand.

For instance, remember when we helped Mr. Lax’s “friend” select incontinence products? Or posted a personal ad for Normadesmond because she was looking for love in all the wrong places?

Now it’s time we turned our attention to another Infomaniac Bitch in need…MS. FIRST NATIONS.

Here is Ms. Nations with her first ripe tomato of the year…



Please read her plea (as follows) and respond in the comments box.

I have a bit of a dilemma that only The Bitches can solve: to wit, a GLUT OF TOMATOES.
I need tomato recipes. I mean seriously now I need tomato recipes. Sauce I have. Sundried, check. Salsa; puh-LEEZE. Marinara enough to float the Statue of Liberty with a goddamn dirty ape hanging off it. I need other tomato recipes. 


Serious shit; The Biker made me that little tomato shack and apparently it's been the home of a big dirty bee orgy for the past three months because I almost have more tomato than I do plants out there AND THEY'RE ALL GETTING RIPE AT THE SAME TIME.

HELP ME.

Note from Mistress MJ: Ms. Nations has also asked that I post this warning as a public service…


Saturday, July 07, 2012

Biker Bitches

Peenee’s shown up to Norma’s reunion, insisting she join him on a road trip…


[thanks, Thom!]

When we last heard from Ms. Nations, she said she was “Going to Seattle to party with evil bikers!”

Is it possible she meant Norma and Peenee?

In any case, it’s a beautiful, sunny weekend and Mistress MJ is off on a road trip of her own.

See you on Monday, Bitches!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Winner of The Butchest Bitch Competition!

So who’s the butchest Infomaniac bitch?

She’s a WOMAN, Bitches! W-O-M-A-N!

“See the coat. The coat is made of horsehide. See the gloves. They are made of goatskin. See the hat. The hat is made of 100% Australian wool felt. See the plugs. They are made of Indonesian buffalo horn. See the cigars. They are made of cheap. Add a Native American in jeans, Docs and a black tank top and you have what FirstNations wears on pretty much a daily basis."

Congratulations, Ms. First Nations! YOU are the butchest bitch!!!

Actual quote from Ms. Nations when this contest was proposed…

“I so have this one knocked....
*scratches match on beard stubble, lights cigar* oh yeah.”

Actual quote from Ms. Nations on voting day…

“Everyone seems to be overawed by the mere thought of competing with the powerful 'butch' rays emanating from my butchness. As well you should be! *stands atop pile of burning harleys firing a gun and drinking warm elk blood*”

Thanks to all of you Bitches who did your manly best to assert your inner butch.

All you Bitches who lost … to a WOMAN!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Humor Blogs

Surely you’re wondering why Mistress MJ spelled “Humour” without the “u.” It is because this post is written by our AMERICAN friend, Ms. First Nations. Listen up, Bitches. Ms. Nations has a request to make of you…

So I just dumped a humor blog I've been reading for the past 4 years. It started out funny. It turned into the whiny ranting of an aging, bitter conservative with shit taste in music. Of course I mean Infoman...Of course I mean the Vest Wirginia Rurf Seport. Not Infomaniac. Heavens no.

Might any of you rubicund, silky, adorable Bitches be able to recommend a new daily humor blog?

One that would better suit my discriminating tastes; i.e racist dead baby nudity, anarcho-syndicalism with robots, drugs, naked sex, tiny cars, naked Socialists, totally naked gardening advice, baby Jesus, armed hipsters, penises, baking, Spirit of '67 skins, rednecks, Harvey Pekar, Nyarlathotep, elderly African-American men playing electric guitars, naked nakedness, leather jackets, motorcycles, Jazz, Electronica, Metal, Blues, naked, smoking cigarettes, drinking whiskey out the neck of the bottle, Brazilian women, and tacos.


Note from Mistress MJ: This clip shows Ms. Nations on a GOOD day …

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

NEW Auction NEW NEW NEW!

Just when you thought it was safe to put down your bidding paddle, we here at Infomaniac are holding another auction!

As if you haven’t accumulated enough crap from the last one…


Today, we will auction off lots from the hovel household of Ms. First Nations.

All items listed are free to a good home with postage paid by Ms. Nations herself and packages sealed with genuine First Nations spittle.

Note: Each photo pictured below represents a PACKAGE. There are several items in each package. They are veritable GRAB BAGS OF HAPPINESS!

LOT #1..."Specially selected to tickle your fancy, these
tittilating, tacky vintage advertisements are suitable for framing! Or just go wild... give your budgie something racy to read! Kosher readers should be warned that pak includes Nazi disco hits. 14 items"…


LOT #2..."Throw away those cheaters and groove on these (mostly) full page pix!! Lotsa color! Pak includes Joan Crawford, Ray Milland, Lil Abner and smoking socialites. 14 items"...


LOT #3..."Relive those thrilling days of yesteryear when 'Home Cookin' meant 'God hates you!' Mostly black and white, mainly from the1920's, these advertisements comemorate the days when the FDA was only a laughable suggestion and baby food meant 'liver soup'. 5 items."
Update:"I just added a super secret Special Gift to Lot#3 because it is so skimpy."...


Unfortunately, Mr. Egyptian Penis Man is not included in Ms. Nations' auction lot…


But one day he will be mine!


Let the bidding begin, Bitches!

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

This, That and the Other Thing

[via]

Today’s post has no focus so don’t go looking for any hidden meaning.

Instead, we present a potpourri of thoughts and images.

It’s been a month since our cute Wee Piggy passed away.


Oh how I miss you, you whinging ginger cunt.

Next …

Ms. Nations has taken up smoking…

[via]

Beast is on to Miss Scarlet’s plan to intercept The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts

[via]

And finally…

Beware of the flying penises…

[via]

There are an awful lot of them about.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Gossip Session


Earlier, we asked you to tell longtime, just-back-from-hiatus Infomaniac Bitch Ms. Nations a little about yourselves.

Frankly, we were disappointed in your half-arse efforts.

Oh sure, lots of you turned out for the occasion but you didn’t spill much about yourselves.


So let’s take it up a notch.

Pick any one (or more!) Infomaniac Bitch(es) and tell us about them.

That’s right.

We want you to dish the dirt and let Ms. Nations know ALL about each other.

Call Now!

See those calling cards inside this telephone box?...


One of those cards belongs to our friend Ms. Nations who has finally returned from an EIGHT MONTH hiatus.

If you’re a newcomer to Infomaniac, pick up the phone, give her a call, and tell her who you are.

Wait, scratch that.

EVERYBODY pick up the phone, give Ms. Nations a call, and tell her who you are. (You can magically do this by leaving a comment here).

No doubt her mind is nothing but a purple haze after mushroom season in the Pacific Northwest so she’ll need to be reminded who’s who.

You might also want to tell her what’s been going on around here for the past EIGHT MONTHS so she’s brought up to speed.

Thanking you in advance,

Mistress MJ

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Return of First Nations!

Following an 8-month hiatus, First Nations is back, bitches!

[via]

Friday, January 22, 2010

Filthy Friday – Botanical Edition

This week’s Filthy Friday image is courtesy of Ms. Nations, she of the green thumb.

Actual quote from Ms. Nations’ blog: “WORSHIP MY MIND BOGGLING ABILITY TO MAKE PLANTS GROW! MUAHAHAHAHA!”



Yes, Ms. Nations is a goddess of the garden and is the author of the best-selling “Creating a Backyard Paradise: Turn Your Old Toilet or Truck Tires into Decorative Planters”.

Nonetheless, we here at Infomaniac consider this to be a highly unorthodox planter.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Filthy Friday – Welcome Back, First Nations!

Back from a long hiatus, Ms. First Nations is back, bitches!

And her playground is OPEN! …


[via]

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Happy Birthday, First Nations!



Today we celebrate the birth of a Nation.

*keels over laughing at self*

Join us as we celebrate the birthday of Whatcom County’s finest wench and a proud member of the Knudsen Nation.

Her blog is on hiatus but if you want quality writing wrapped up in an entertaining package, you’ll read the archives.

There’s a chance she might drop in for a visit today so if she shows up, we ask that you beg her to come back.

GET ON YOUR KNEES AND GROVEL, BITCHES!


p.s. Who else but Ms. Nations can give you Mr. Egyptian Penis Man? ...

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Winner – Teen Angst Competition

Wondering who is our mystery teen?

All the way from Whatcom County in Washington State, it’s ...

FIRST NATIONS!


First Nations today



First Nations: teenage tart



First Nations: teenage terror


Correct answers were submitted by Random Chick, Famulus, Scarlet, and Betty.

But there can only be one prizewinner.

Mistress MJ wrote each hopeful’s name on a slip of paper and stuffed the slips under her lacy garter.

Mago (aka Franconia Man) was summoned to draw the names from beneath the garter on Mistress MJ’s thigh…with the provisio that he use his hands and not his teeth to make the draw.

And the winner is… drum roll …

FAMULUS!

Congratulations, Famulus! You are the lucky winner of the "Let's get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini" cocktail napkins…



Famulus, as you’ll recall, was our mystery teen from last week.

Before we go, we would like to say a word or two about Ms. Nations.

We are not gathered here today to discuss her magnificent heaving bosom. Au contraire. Rather, we stand in awe of her great intellect and talent.

For instance, did you know that Ms. Nations is an expert on dugongs? No, I didn’t think so.

Or did you know that she is a best-selling author? Purchase her book entitled, “Creating a Backyard Paradise: Turn Your Old Toilet or Truck Tires into Decorative Planters”.



Thanks to everyone who participated in the Teen Angst Competition.

Send in your teen angst photo soon!

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Green Thumbs Up Bums

Following up yesterday’s World’s Greatest Gardener post, today we continue our peek into the yards and gardens of First Nations, Inner Voices and Beast.

LET’S START WITH BEAST IN BOURNEMOUTH, SHALL WE?...


Things are looking a little droopy in Beast’s garden.





Perhaps his solar frog will brighten things up.





This topiary arse could only be improved by inserting a ripe banana, don’t you think?





Beast gets lonely from time to time and this lovely lady is the perfect companion.






MOVING ALONG NOW TO WASHINGTON STATE WHERE WE DROP IN AT RANCHO FIRST NATIONS



Looks like Nations has added an extra toilet planter to her yard for when company drops in.





Speaking of company, Nations is always prepared for a garden party.





Nations loves to visit the Dutch settlement of Lynden, Washington and bring back souvenirs.





Nations keeps her Barbie collection under the weeping elder. Bring your own action figures and join in the fun.






TRAVELLING SOUTH DOWN THE COAST OF CALI-FOR-NYE-AYE, WE COME TO THE ESTATE OF INNER VOICES



The front porch got torn off in a tornado so the porch swing has been secured to a tree. Works real good!





Nobody's in the front yard so let’s ring the doorbell.





Looks like Voices is out back relaxing in the pool.





Voices and The Missus show off their yard art.




I hope you have enjoyed your lawn and garden tour.

Now bugger off. I’ve a Chia Pet to attend to.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

World’s Greatest Gardener


Bend over, bitches and take my gardening greatness up your arses!


I’m getting sick and tired of listening to First Nations and Inner Voices and Beast drone on and on about how great their gardens grow.

For starters, there’s Nations with her batshit magongo strawberries and asparagus. And her "I’m-craftier- than you-are" use of golf shoes and miniature dump trucks to make funky planters. And you can’t read her blog without translating from the Latin; Lychnis flos cuculi and Aquilegia Canadensis, for example. Frankly, it’s all Greek to me.

Then there’s Voices with his FOURTEEN VARIETIES OF TOMATOES and record-breaking, SEVEN-FOOT-TALL-SUNFLOWER out by the swimming pool (a glorified oil drum is more what the pool looks like).

Last and definitely least, there’s Beast and his unique garden accoutrements: namely, his brassiere planter and his topiary dolphin and his Barbie Stone for sacrificing virgins.

Bloody showoffs, all of them.



Nations and Beast pictured together with expression of smug superiority.




Voices emptying his hose all over the trailer park.




So to all you GARDEN BLOGGERS, I would like to say…


My garden kicks ass!




Behold MY garden! Top THIS, you garden hoes!...