A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Yes, it’s the Grow Your Own Boyfriend!
Mr. Right grows 600% his size in water! Free movie and dinner date, he never snores, never looks at your credit card bills, he's polite, always there when you need him, never argues and always agrees, he always shuts up, he doesn't chew with his mouth open and he doesn't look at you like you're nuts when you buy another pair of shoes. True love in 72 hours.
Instructions For Use: Place your grow item in room temperature water. It will begin to grow within 2 hours and will be full size in 72 hours. When removed from water it will slowly shrink back to its original size. Your grow item can be grown again and again!
Disclaimer: This toy is in no way intended to represent living people. Any resemblance is purely coincidental and not intended to harm anyone.
WARNING: Choking hazard!
So hop to it, bitches!
Simply tell us why you need a new boyfriend and we’ll vote next week on the best reasons.
This post will be up on Tuesday and Wednesday to give you time to come up with a winning entry.
Note: Straight males and lezzers may substitute the word “girlfriend” for “boyfriend” but you’ll still get the “Grow A Boyfriend” as a prize if you win.
I want a Grow A Girlfriend, because I can enjoy her company whenever I want and put her away without worrying about her complaining or nagging about my friends or habits or my penchant for sci fi and video games, fishing and the firing range.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't have to worry about her hogging all the covers at night or using all the hot water, taking forever to get ready and complaining about having nothing to wear, and I won't have to deal with monthly meltdowns and mood swings.
The REAL question is--why does HE deserve ME!?
ReplyDeleteMaybe a grow your own dildo that doesn’t talk back. I just want the size and shape of a boyfriend. This grow your own boyfriend sounds enticing but I’m still trying to remove the dent in my mattress from the last occupant. Now I know why you need a new mattress...bad boyfriends leave bad boyfriend energy burred in your mattress.
ReplyDeleteDo they make a grow your own cat?
Bwah hah hah hah haa! Stop everything! Give the prize to Michael!
ReplyDeleteAlthough, Ayem8y does make a good point...
I don't need a new boyfriend per se but is there a 'f*ck me like the bitch that I am' substitute?
ReplyDeleteI don't like my sister's boyfriend - if I had a substitute I could push the one I don't like over a cliff.
ReplyDeleteThings have been a little slow in that department for some time now. Willing to consider reasonably convincing post-op.
ReplyDeleteAs far as I'm concerned, the more the merrier.
ReplyDeleteSx
And What... may one ask... does one do with a new home groan boyfriend?
ReplyDeleteIf only we wer'nt on water restrictions... the pleasure he would bring.
No more snoring, grunting and dutch ovens. Food crumbs and toenail clippings to discover in those hidden nooks and crannies.
No complaints of "turn off that light i'm trying to sleep"... just when I get to the juicy bit of the penny dreadful I'm reading. Oh the un interupted reading I would enjoy. What Bliss. Utter Bliss...
i'm trying to get people out of my life, sugar! why would i invite disaster? xoxoxox
ReplyDeleteBecause I've always wanted to date a choking hazard.
ReplyDeleteWhat flavours does this boyfriend come in? Josh Brolin? Connor Trinneer? Simon Reeve? Tim?!
ReplyDeleteHold the sprinkles, please.
I don't want a new boyfriend. I'm quite happy with the one I've got.
ReplyDeleteCan I have a 'Grow Your Own Penguin' instead?
BITCHES: So let me get this right…
ReplyDeleteSo far, you’re ALL in the market for a new boyfriend except Savannah who is trying to get people out of her life and Piggy, who, after all, has the gorgeous Tazzy.
Actually I don't want another boyfriend. I'm kind of in the market, the black market, for a gay slave with a ball gag so he can't talk back.
ReplyDeleteBut I don't want to have to grow him or water him everyday.
A Grow Your Own Boyfriend requires ME to put it in water, ME to dry it off and once again, ME to be enthusiastic about it. Just like a real one. The only benefit being it's not going to talk back.
ReplyDeleteFuck that for a game of soldiers, I'm having a break from the whole thing.
I need a new boyfriend because:
ReplyDelete* I want to make the old one jealous so he'll come back to me.
* It'll give me the excuse to personally deliver it to Michael Rivers for his comment.
* It'll be good to watch something grow 600% and know I did it.
* Piggy's already got all the boyfriend he can handle. All any of us can handle. Including the love handles.
* I can take him out on a dinner date and say "Oh, don't you want yours?" - and scoff his food like I'm doing him a favour.
* I can leave him in my bed to make it look like I'm asleep - while I climb out the window to go partying all night.
* I can send Infomaniac some photos of it when it's fully, um, erect.
I have been growing SOMETHING in the dark recesses of my fridge , it possibly started out as a sausage , which is probably very fitting for this post. If it shows any signs of life I will send it straight round to XL
ReplyDeleteI'm not done with my old one yet !
ReplyDeletebecause I'm sad, needy and desperate for love.
ReplyDelete...just wondering if MJ can give us any hints about who she's favouring right now. In case any of us need to, you know, increase our bid...
ReplyDeleteDid I win yet?
ReplyDeleteI need a new boyfriend like I need another dog.
ReplyDeleteBITCHES: A reminder that this contest is open all day Wednesday as well.
ReplyDeleteYOU (not Mistress MJ) will vote for the winner but not until sometime NEXT WEEK when Infomaniac will hold a "Win A New Boyfriend" voting day.
sure, send me a new boyfriend and i'll shoot him in the fucking back just like the last one.
ReplyDeletemax, MAX....turn on the water!
Where have you been, Miss Desmond?
ReplyDeleteThere was talk of a possible Velva Cream overdose.
Kapi - Tazzy's love handles are quite delightful.
ReplyDeleteUnlike Beasts.
@Piggy: Kapi - Tazzy's love handles are quite delightful.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear it. By contrast, my delights are lovely to handle.
@Boxer: I need a new boyfriend like I need another dog.
You can never have too many dogs, or too many boyfriends.
I've got five dogs, and, erm, I literally can't count how many boyfriends.
No, there's definitely no positive integer that can describe my boyfriend collection.
@Mistress MJ: YOU (not Mistress MJ) will vote for the winner
Oh good. That means I don't have to up the stakes by, for instance, offering to send you a picture of my cock if I win.
Good. So I won't do that then.
Oooh! I've never seen a postage stamp sized cock pic!
ReplyDeleteJust lick and it gets bigger.
ReplyDeleteOr lick it and it becomes sticky?
ReplyDeleteThat's not going to touch the sides!
ReplyDeleteMAybe then you have to refill bubbly.
ReplyDeletekabuki -star of both stage AND screen - has had to carry the garbage out since 1986. That is the only reason to have a boyfriend, and that is all I would have him do. Unless I spilled something. "Boyfriend - absorb that spilled mai tai." (Instead of absorbing everything in my refridgerator) PLUS - even megastars get lonely. Or so i have been told.
ReplyDeletekabuki -star of both stage AND screen - has had to carry the garbage out since 1986. That is the only reason to have a boyfriend, and that is all I would have him do. Unless I spilled something. "Boyfriend - absorb that spilled mai tai." (Instead of absorbing everything in my refridgerator) PLUS - even megastars get lonely. Or so i have been told.
ReplyDeleteYou people are all obsessed with cock!
ReplyDelete@MJ: You people are all obsessed with cock!
ReplyDeleteHave you only just noticed? :-)
I'm obsessed with MJ's cock.
ReplyDeleteAnyway...
ReplyDeleteIs it Beasts birthday yet?
The old cunt.
TA ...
ReplyDeleteDear Mistress,
ReplyDeleteGrowing my own Aqua man could well pose several problems.
Loud squelching noises from his side of the bed resulting from his sudden impromptu movements at any hour of the night...often startling me from a deep sleep...
Strange wet spots and staining of my beautiful sheets... as a result of his his unseemly bourior ettiquette... just like the last boyfriend... frequently starting and finishing without me...
The need to employ the waterproof mattress protector... again... just like I eventually had to do with the last boyfriend...
Rolling over on to somthing cold and clamy in the wee hours of the morning...Frightening the hell out of me... just like some of my frequent nocturnal experiences with the last boyfriend...
And finally...
Undoubtedly noticable shrinkage by morning... just like the last boyfriend...
But it all would be well worth it just to relive the fun times...
Now where did I put that waterproof mattress protector....