Thursday, August 13, 2009

Keeping Crazy At Bay


[image via]

What are the five simple things a day that you do to stay sane?

49 comments:

  1. my 5 simple things
    1.Talk to my plants
    2.ignore them when they talk back
    3.Ignore them voices in my head
    4.Wash my hands 5 thousand times an hour in case germs get me
    5.Piss in bottles and store in my 'secret room'
    Its easy really

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  2. I hurl pointy red objects at my mother and then claim I'm just playing. Sorry about your eye.

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  3. *Congratulates Beast*

    Play Freecell
    Avoid people who talk a lot
    Stare at the wall
    Blog
    Drink

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  4. 1) Avoid bollocky silly lists on disgusting blogs.
    2) ...er
    3) That's it.

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  5. 1. Coffee
    2. smoke
    3. blog
    4. Facebook
    5. write

    It's not helping though. Sometime the Crazy wins.

    And that's okay. I didn't like my neighbours anyway.

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  6. I misread. Mr Beastie talks to his pants?
    1. Visit Infomaniac
    2. Smoke
    3. Play sax
    4. Try on bras
    5. Sniff new shoes

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  7. It depends on what's driving me crazy, but usually these help me relax:

    The list:

    1. I exercise (Run, walk, swim, etc)
    2. I cook
    3. I do laundry/clean house
    4. I watch something funny or call a friend
    5. I drink--which can lead to other fun activities such as singing and dancing--though truth be told I don't need alcohol to do these things.

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  8. Coffee
    Hot Bath
    Classical music
    Visit some blogs
    Cold mineral water

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  9. Masturbate.
    Wank.
    Butter the biscuit.
    Squeeze the fat out of my sausage.
    Burp the worm.

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  10. Fluff The Mistresses' pillows for:

    Champaign breakfast
    Morning cocktails
    Afternoon cocktails
    Evening cocktails
    Nightcap

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  11. BEAST: FIRSTIES !!!!!

    Don’t wet yourself.

    BEAST: my 5 simple things
    1.Talk to my plants
    2.ignore them when they talk back
    3.Ignore them voices in my head
    4.Wash my hands 5 thousand times an hour in case germs get me
    5.Piss in bottles and store in my 'secret room'
    Its easy really


    Mistress MJ would have to hose you down and dunk you in sheep dip to rid you of germs.

    You, sir, are an ambulatory petri dish of bacteria.

    MR. PEENEE: I hurl pointy red objects at my mother and then claim I'm just playing. Sorry about your eye.

    Under which category does this fall on your “7 Personality Traits” list?

    KAZ: *Congratulates Beast*

    Play Freecell
    Avoid people who talk a lot
    Stare at the wall
    Blog
    Drink


    We are surprised that “travel to Spain frequently and blog extensively about it to those bloggers in colder, wetter climes” is not included.

    *stares vacantly out at drizzle*

    VICUS: 1) Avoid bollocky silly lists on disgusting blogs.
    2) ...er
    3) That's it.


    Infomaniac is now available in a conveniently packaged enema solution.

    Unfortunately, we cannot supply tubing big enough to fit up your backside.

    ROSES: 1. Coffee
    2. smoke
    3. blog
    4. Facebook
    5. write

    It's not helping though. Sometime the Crazy wins.
    And that's okay. I didn't like my neighbours anyway.


    Last week we suggested you take up shooting smack rather than smoking.

    You’ll find that much more relaxing.

    Don’t make me repeat myself again.

    SCARLET: I misread. Mr Beastie talks to his pants?
    1. Visit Infomaniac
    2. Smoke
    3. Play sax
    4. Try on bras
    5. Sniff new shoes


    They are Sponge Bob underpants so of course they talk back to him.

    Sniffing new shoes? Perhaps you should team up with Craig David.

    EROS: It depends on what's driving me crazy, but usually these help me relax:

    The list:

    1. I exercise (Run, walk, swim, etc)
    2. I cook
    3. I do laundry/clean house
    4. I watch something funny or call a friend
    5. I drink--which can lead to other fun activities such as singing and dancing--though truth be told I don't need alcohol to do these things.


    Run over here immediately as Mistress MJ needs you in the kitchen, the laundry room, oh and we have some floors that need scrubbing.

    You can call a friend to assist you.

    MAGO: Coffee
    Hot Bath
    Classical music
    Visit some blogs
    Cold mineral water


    Add “draw a hot bubble bath for Mistress MJ” to your list.

    MAXI: Masturbate.
    Wank.
    Butter the biscuit.
    Squeeze the fat out of my sausage.
    Burp the worm.


    We would suggest you also try “tenderizing your meat” if none of the above are working for you.

    XL: Fluff The Mistresses' pillows for:

    Champaign breakfast
    Morning cocktails
    Afternoon cocktails
    Evening cocktails
    Nightcap


    Vespers.

    We’ll need a cocktail then as well.

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  12. 1. Drink Coffee
    2. Smoke
    3. Answer blog comments
    4. Kill a Kitten
    5. Smoke again.

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  13. HEFF: Knowing your skills as “Floral Heff,” I expected “attending to my pansies” to be on that list.

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  14. I like to masturbate furiously whilst watching the Jeremy Kyle show wearing nothing but a victorian basque.

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  15. Just checking in.

    Still alive, not broke yet and no, not missing you

    much.

    ReplyDelete
  16. MITZI: I like to masturbate furiously whilst watching the Jeremy Kyle show wearing nothing but a victorian basque.

    I had to Google “Jeremy Kyle” but was lucky enough to find the clip with the bloke who claims that his girlfriend (butch-looking battleaxe resembling a blonde Dot Branning) was caught on CCTV having sex with two men around the back of a petrol station. (Isn’t this the story of Mean Dirty Pirate?!)

    Anyway, it’s the UK equivalent of The Jerry Springer Show.

    Are you petite? If so, let’s have a basque swap.

    CYBERPOOF: Just checking in.
    Still alive, not broke yet and no, not missing you
    much.


    Are you in Vegas?

    We thought you’d run off with Celine Dion!

    How are you finding the American rent boys?

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  17. Vegas is fabulous!
    Didn't have to pay the fella, really nice chap.
    Am at airport in Vegas waiting for my plane to the OC.
    I thankfully didn't run into Celine Dingdong but almost ran off with the divine miss M

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  18. CYBERPOOF: Knowing your predilection for gingers, you may want to visit Carrot Top at the Luxor.

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  19. I have heard that Johnny Cash does a song called "The Beast In Me" - has anyone any idea what its about???

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  20. Ah, sane. That state of being that I have only vague recollections of. The five simple things I think I'd need to do to get back to that state would be:
    1. Don't drive/fly anywhere when other people are on the road/in the air.
    2. Don't go to work (just when is it my turn to win the lottery?).
    3. Banish Witchface and the SubCs.
    4. Have AutoPolite switched on all the time.
    5. Blog more often.

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  21. Can XL come over to my world?

    I do the following:

    1. drink 2 pots of coffee
    2. play with dogs in office when I should be working.
    3. blog
    4. watch bad TV
    5. hit a heavy bag.

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  22. JULIAN: Welcome to Infomaniac!

    I have heard that Johnny Cash does a song called "The Beast In Me" - has anyone any idea what its about???

    Perhaps the others can tell you the song meaning.

    We know of only one BEAST and he is an Infomaniac regular and I certainly do NOT want The Beast in me!

    IVD: Ah, sane. That state of being that I have only vague recollections of. The five simple things I think I'd need to do to get back to that state would be:
    1. Don't drive/fly anywhere when other people are on the road/in the air.
    2. Don't go to work (just when is it my turn to win the lottery?).
    3. Banish Witchface and the SubCs.
    4. Have AutoPolite switched on all the time.
    5. Blog more often.


    And try keeping your eyebrows away from the flame.

    BOXER: Can XL come over to my world?

    I do the following:

    1. drink 2 pots of coffee
    2. play with dogs in office when I should be working.
    3. blog
    4. watch bad TV
    5. hit a heavy bag.


    XL is available on loan when Mistress MJ is away for the day.

    You missed your turn yesterday, for example, and will have to wait.

    Please form an orderly queue.

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  23. Drink, porn, drink, drink, and more drink.

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  24. GARFY: You’re in luck as tomorrow is Filthy Friday.

    BYOB.

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  25. Books, telly, blogging, Twitter, shutting my office door at lunchtime.

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  26. Honestly......

    Paddling the pink canoe, up to ten times a day!

    Captain Morgan or Vodka whatevers closer

    Chocolate

    Dusting / Cleaning obsessively, even if the place is clean. I iron if I'm in a huff! Ha ha ha

    Tie Maxi up and take it all out on him! That usually involves growling and spanking ha ha ha ha ha!

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  27. GEOFF: Books, telly, blogging, Twitter, shutting my office door at lunchtime.

    Give the door a good slam next time to show them you really mean it.

    JELLY MONSTER: Honestly......

    Paddling the pink canoe, up to ten times a day!

    Captain Morgan or Vodka whatevers closer

    Chocolate

    Dusting / Cleaning obsessively, even if the place is clean. I iron if I'm in a huff! Ha ha ha

    Tie Maxi up and take it all out on him! That usually involves growling and spanking ha ha ha ha ha!


    In a huff?

    Buff your muff!

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  28. wank, wank, wank, wank again and wank

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  29. Mistress, Ms Boxer seems to have a predilection for firing temps! Will that effect my Infomaniac personnel file?

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  30. CARNALIS: wank, wank, wank, wank again and wank

    You missed a spot.

    XL: Mistress, Ms Boxer seems to have a predilection for firing temps! Will that effect my Infomaniac personnel file?

    Fear not.

    We are taking into consideration that Boxer’s a moody bitch with a need to dominate.

    It’s a personality flaw we can’t comprehend at all.

    ReplyDelete
  31. 1. Get up first thing and drink six cups of coffee liberally topped up with whisky.
    2. Wander down to the corner shop to get my tobacco and daily paper.
    3. Turn around and wander back home first as I forgot to get dressed.
    4. Set out to the corner shop for my tobacco and paper again.
    5. Have some more mugs of whisky topped up with a bit of coffee to help me stay alert for the exciting day ahead.

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  32. Well, apparently I’m too late to stave off the crazies.

    1. I like to meticulously order my closets, color coded, business/casual and I have a tiny hang bar just for my socks.

    2. I throw parties and act like Joan Crawford emptying ashtrays and never returning while people smoke, wring my hands a lot and obsess about the crowd, “But are they the RIGHT kind of people”.

    3. I save my bellybutton lint in a jar then knit sweaters for people at Christmas time.

    4. I’m frugal and never spend a dime. I start my day washing at the local garage then it’s off to the department stores where I put on free make-up and perfume and steal clothes. Then I go to the grocers and wait for free samples and go to open houses for lunch, then...

    5. Being a decorator is a ruse for getting into peoples houses so I can case the joint then come back at night and cat burgle’em.

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  33. -Feed all three cats
    -Pill two dogs and pass out treats
    -Wash dishes
    -Bowl of cereal
    -Get nekkid and do yard work (Summertime, only)

    In fact, considering my age and looks, (though not the shoes as I don't have any of those style shoes) the croc lady down yonder and i would blend quite neatly!
    HA!
    'Course, today, I should have worn some tan oil stuff.
    OOOOWWWIE!

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  34. 1) Avoid the crazy people to the north.
    2) Avoid the crazy people to the south.
    3) Avoid the crazy people to the east.
    4) Avoid the crazy people to the west.
    5) Avoid all the other crazy people who've slipped through.

    In other words...stay alone!

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  35. GINRO: 1. Get up first thing and drink six cups of coffee liberally topped up with whisky.
    2. Wander down to the corner shop to get my tobacco and daily paper.
    3. Turn around and wander back home first as I forgot to get dressed.
    4. Set out to the corner shop for my tobacco and paper again.
    5. Have some more mugs of whisky topped up with a bit of coffee to help me stay alert for the exciting day ahead.


    Don’t stop now.

    It was just getting interesting!

    AYEM8Y: Well, apparently I’m too late to stave off the crazies.

    1. I like to meticulously order my closets, color coded, business/casual and I have a tiny hang bar just for my socks.

    2. I throw parties and act like Joan Crawford emptying ashtrays and never returning while people smoke, wring my hands a lot and obsess about the crowd, “But are they the RIGHT kind of people”.

    3. I save my bellybutton lint in a jar then knit sweaters for people at Christmas time.

    4. I’m frugal and never spend a dime. I start my day washing at the local garage then it’s off to the department stores where I put on free make-up and perfume and steal clothes. Then I go to the grocers and wait for free samples and go to open houses for lunch, then...

    5. Being a decorator is a ruse for getting into peoples houses so I can case the joint then come back at night and cat burgle’em.


    All that AND you still find time to write “Licking Your Way across the USA”, AND “Mean Dirty Pirate’s Definitive Truck Stop Guide” AND star in the porn film, “Truck Stop Trollop”?

    BONEMAN: -Feed all three cats
    -Pill two dogs and pass out treats
    -Wash dishes
    -Bowl of cereal
    -Get nekkid and do yard work (Summertime, only)

    In fact, considering my age and looks, (though not the shoes as I don't have any of those style shoes) the croc lady down yonder and i would blend quite neatly!
    HA!
    'Course, today, I should have worn some tan oil stuff.
    OOOOWWWIE!


    Nekkid yard work?

    Did you participate in World Naked Gardening Day?



    KAPI: 1) Avoid the crazy people to the north.
    2) Avoid the crazy people to the south.
    3) Avoid the crazy people to the east.
    4) Avoid the crazy people to the west.
    5) Avoid all the other crazy people who've slipped through.

    In other words...stay alone!


    But "the trouble with normal is it always gets worse."

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  36. I actually stayed at Luxor but omg ewwwww!

    Although he is a bit fit.

    Why anyone thinks he s funny is beyond me. Prop comedy is so awkward, not funny at all and so 90s.

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  37. CYBERPOOF: That you would even notice Carrot Top’s level of fitness is enough for us to disown you.

    But since you’re so cute and sparkly, you can stay.

    Where are you now, anyway?

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  38. He looks vile bit there was a photo of him everywhere in the hotel and on the hotel tv channels. You had to look away from that scary face and hair.

    I'm at Mssion Valley Resort in San Diego. Fairly dingy and not the cleanest of hotels. Dullface picked it. I hope I won't catch anything nasty from the room.. The staff is fiendly though. Thankfully we will be checking out the day after tomorrow.

    After that it will be the Ritz Milner in LA and Harbor Court in San Francisco.

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  39. CYBERPOOF: Okay, you're forgiven for Carrot Top.

    I just Googled your hotel and it says it has a Liquor Store on premises. Woohoo!

    If I rent a car now and drive south, I can be there in about 2 days.

    Hey, this is the first time we’ve been in the same time zone together!

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  40. I know! It's so weird! It's 6 am back home!

    Could you just meet me in San Francisco or Chicago? That would be quicker and you have time to get things sorted out at work.

    That's a petetastic plan don't you think?

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  41. You only asked for five things.

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  42. CYBERPOOF: I know! It's so weird! It's 6 am back home!
    Could you just meet me in San Francisco or Chicago? That would be quicker and you have time to get things sorted out at work.
    That's a petetastic plan don't you think?


    If only an unfortunate mystery illness hadn’t hit all the houseboys.

    Someone has to stay and wear the nurse’s uniform.

    GINRO: You only asked for five things.

    You’re probably the only bitch ever to obey the instructions.

    We should be grateful.

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  43. We should be grateful

    Something tells me that you're probably not. And why do you keep referring to yourself as We?

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  44. GINRO: To say "I, I, I" all the time would sound too self-centred.

    Or like Carmen Miranda down Argentine way.

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  45. I just wank.

    It gets ride of any insane thoughts I might have - after I've utilised them to get to the point I want to reach, of course.

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  46. PIGGY: Hope you had a nice “ride”…har.

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  47. 5 things I do.

    1.Cocktail #1
    2.Cocktail #2
    3.Jerk Off
    4.Cocktail #3
    5.Sleeping Pill with a Cocktail #4 chaser.

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