And thanks to the ever fabulous THOMBEAU, we have a little quiz to take today.
Check to see if you meet any of the qualifications listed below OR …
Why not make up your OWN gay quiz?!
The following passage is taken from Marilyn Manson’s autobiography, “The Long Hard Road Out of Hell.”…
My philosophy about sexuality is that I don't have a problem with anything anyone does in any way. All I ask is that you know the rules. I've sucked the dicks of several men, which a lot of straight guys won't admit to having done or wanting to do. But just like kissing a girl can't get her pregnant, sucking a guy's dick doesn't make you gay (Unless you break rule #3). It's not that i'm against being gay - I just want to clarify what makes you gay. Please note this list only pertains to guys: All women are by nature lesbians. So let's get things straight (no pun intended) - if you meet any of the qualifications below, you are gay.
1. IF YOU GET SOMEONE ELSE'S SPERM ON YOU.
2. IF YOU'VE EVER OWNED A SMITHS ALBUM.
3. IF YOU GET HARD WHILE SUCKING ANOTHER GUY'S DICK. IF YOU DON'T, YOU'RE STRAIGHT - UNLESS HE GETS SPERM ON YOU.
4. IF MICHAEL STIPE IS IN THE ROOM WITH YOU AND YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH A WOMAN, YOU'RE BISEXUAL.
5. IF YOU'RE AT A GAY BAR, YOU'RE NOT GAY. BUT IF YOU'RE AT A STRAIGHT BAR AND YOU TALK TO ANOTHER GUY LONGER THAN YOU TALK TO A GIRL, YOU'RE GAY.
6. IF YOU TAP YOUR FEET TO A SMITHS SONG.
7. IF YOU DISCUSS ART FOR MORE THAN 45 MINUTES.
8. IF YOU'VE EVER WORN A BERET.
9. IF YOU KISS A GUY AND HE HAS A HARD-ON, YOU'RE NOT GAY UNLESS YOU HAVE A HARD-ON TOO.
10. IF YOU HAVE ANY KIND OF SEX - WITH A MALE OR A FEMALE - TO THE SMITHS, YOU'RE GAY.
11. IF YOUR ONLY PURPOSE IN LIFE IS TO GET GIRLS PREGNANT SO THEY CAN HAVE MORE GIRLS TO HAVE LESBIAN SEX TOGETHER.
12. IF YOU JACK OFF AND GET CUM ON YOURSELF.
13. IF YOU GET A BONER WATCHING GILLIGAN'S ISLAND.
14. IF YOU DON'T GET A BONER WATCHING BEWITCHED.
15. IF THERE'S A SMITHS SONG ON IN A BAR AND YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM WITH YOUR DICK IN YOUR HAND.
16. IF YOUR NAME IS RICHARD AND YOU GO BY DICK.
17. IF YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH ANYONE NAMED DICK.
18. IF YOU DON'T CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE, YOU'RE ONLY USING HER AS A PROP TO MAKE PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE NOT GAY.
19. IF YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH A MODEL.
20. IF YOU FUCK A GIRL WHO LIKES THE SMITHS.
21. IF YOU DON'T EAT MEAT BECAUSE THE SMITHS ALBUM MEAT IS MURDER HAD AN IMPACT ON YOUR LIFE.
22. IF YOU DO ANYTHING SPIRITUAL.
23. IF YOU FUCK A PREGNANT WOMAN AND SHE'S CARRYING A BOY, YOU'RE GAY. IF YOU GET SPERM ON THE AMNIOTIC SAC, THE BABY WILL GROW UP TO BE GAY TOO.
24. IF YOU'VE EVER HAD A HAIRCUT LIKE MORRISSEY.
25. IF YOU'VE EVER HAS A HAIRCUT WHILE A MORRISSEY OR SMITHS ALBUM WAS PLAYING IN THE ROOM.
26. IF YOU'VE EVER TALKED ABOUT OF OWNED A CRYSTAL - ESPECIALLY IF IT'S CRYSTAL METH.
27. IF YOU'VE EVER PUT BAND AIDS ON YOUR NIPPLES AS A FASHION STATEMENT.
28. IF YOU'VE EVER SPENT MORE THAN A WEEK ON SOUTH BEACH.
29. IF YOU'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT TITS RIGHT NOW.
30. IF YOU STILL LIKED JUDAS PRIEST AFTER YOU HEARD THE RUMOUR THAT ROB HALFORD WAS GAY.
31. IF YOU GET A HARD-ON WHILE TAKING A SHIT.
32. IF YOU KNOW WHAT SPERM TASTES LIKE (ESPECIALLY IF IT'S YOUR OWN).
33. IF YOU KISS A GIRL WITH TONGUE AFTER SHE'S SWALLOWED YOUR CUM.
34. IF YOU GET HARD WHILE READING THIS.
35. IF YOU KNOW THE NAMES OF ANYONE WHO'S EVER BEEN IN THE SMITHS BESIDES MORRISSEY OR JOHNNY MARR.
36. IF YOU'RE A MALE MODEL.
37. IF YOU GET CHOKED UP LISTENING TO BOYS DON'T CRY BY THE CURE.
38. IF YOU'RE A CLOTHING DESIGNER.
39. IF YOUR FIRST, LAST, OR MIDDLE OR ONLY NAME IS MORRISSEY.
That’s it, Bitches!
According to MM, I’m a lesbian so I won’t bother taking the test.
*grabs Ms. Nations by the drumstick and slathers her in cranberry sauce*
I am first & I am gay
ReplyDeleteOh, and don't even get me started about Michael Stipe....
ReplyDeleteThat relationship was the first & only time I thought about going straight!
Enjoy your Fish!...
well, i'm not first, so i guess i'll go back and really read the post. xoxooxo
ReplyDeleteMuch relieved that "IF YOU HAVE EVER OWNED TOP GUN ON DVD" isn't on the list!
ReplyDeleteWALLY: I am first & I am gay
ReplyDeleteAre you in a 12-step programme?
WALLY: Oh, and don't even get me started about Michael Stipe....
That relationship was the first & only time I thought about going straight!
Enjoy your Fish!...
I’ve ordered the Kipper Surprise.
SAVANNAH: well, i'm not first, so i guess i'll go back and really read the post.
Care to join Ms. Nations and I for a threesome?
VON LX: Much relieved that "IF YOU HAVE EVER OWNED TOP GUN ON DVD" isn't on the list!
Are you sure about #13?
While you’re here, how does an American celebrate Thanksgiving in Germany?
I was recently onboard The Star Princess enjoing an eastern Mediterranean cruise with American/Canadian company, so I was able to sample american fare and observe their ways. Sucatash anyone?
ReplyDeleteIt's the life of a shirtlifter for me. With my hedonistic gay lifestyle consisting of stage musicals, visiting antiques shops and 24 hour amyl nitrite fuelled sauna parties, it's a wonder I have time to blog.
You're in good lesbian company MJ, eminent muff divers include: Moira Stewart, Pam St Clement, Patricia Routledge and Samantha Fox.
I guess that I'm not. It doesn't include reading "Pride and Prejudice" and imagining what Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley would look like 69ing on the billards table.
ReplyDelete"how does an American celebrate Thanksgiving in Germany?"
ReplyDeleteThis Texan celebrated with Thanksgiving dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe in Berlin. Very good roast turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, dressing, cranberries.
I declined the broccoli though. Broccoli? Really?
MITZI: I was recently onboard The Star Princess enjoing an eastern Mediterranean cruise with American/Canadian company, so I was able to sample american fare and observe their ways. Sucatash anyone?
ReplyDeleteIt's the life of a shirtlifter for me. With my hedonistic gay lifestyle consisting of stage musicals, visiting antiques shops and 24 hour amyl nitrite fuelled sauna parties, it's a wonder I have time to blog.
You're in good lesbian company MJ, eminent muff divers include: Moira Stewart, Pam St Clement, Patricia Routledge and Samantha Fox.
I wasn’t aware that Pam St. Clement is lesbian despite the way she puts the “butch” in Pat Butcher.
Now I have a troubling image of Pat and Dot between the dirty sheets at the launderette.
Anyway, I’m getting sick of wearing these sensible shoes and have a craving for cock so enough of this lesbian talk.
Shall we skip off to Billy Elliot at the Victoria Palace together?
TB: I guess that I'm not. It doesn't include reading "Pride and Prejudice" and imagining what Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley would look like 69ing on the billards table.
That’s quite a lot of balls on the table, isn’t it?
VON LX: "how does an American celebrate Thanksgiving in Germany?"
This Texan celebrated with Thanksgiving dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe in Berlin. Very good roast turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, dressing, cranberries.
I declined the broccoli though. Broccoli? Really?
Would you have preferred Brussels sprouts?
*rears elegant, cranberry-smeared head, then dives back in for some....stuffing*
ReplyDeleteI've always thought of myself as the most completely satisfied transvestite ever born. I am proud to say that I don't even know who the fucking Smiths are, aside from hearing the name in passing c.1980-something. Morissey ditto. I get skleege everywhere which only means I'm an enthusiastic eater/skleeger. According to this, I'm a straight man. Tell ya what, though...if I had a nickel for every time I got caught doing #23...
NATIONS: I know for a fact you’ve done #27.
ReplyDeleteI TOTALLY HAVE! Except it was black electricians' tape. My kids still have issues with it, but grandchildren don't even seem to notice anymore.
ReplyDeleteI got clocked at number 1.
ReplyDelete"1. IF YOU GET SOMEONE ELSE'S SPERM ON YOU."
Which I misread as, "1. IF YOU GET SOMEONE ELSE'S SPERM IN YOU."
Because I'm a cum guzzling gutter slut.
*Stickers when Grandma asks, "Would you like some dressing with gravy?"*
Happy Thanksgiving!
Came back to correct *Stickers with *Snickers.
ReplyDeleteAnd to avoid an unhappy Thanksgiving by having been the 13th commenter.
Marilyn Manson was not man enough for Dita, so I don't give a damn on his blabbing.
ReplyDeleteI'm not gay; I shot my first turkey today!
ReplyDeleteFolks were a bit startled in the frozen foods aisle though...
btw: nice rules list
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHe might have added "If you've never owned a Marilyn Manson album".
ReplyDeleteAfter reading #23 it all makes sense
ReplyDeletesmiths and no bankheads?
ReplyDeleteScrew that Manson bloke, I always prefer Freddie.
ReplyDeleteNATIONS: I TOTALLY HAVE! Except it was black electricians' tape. My kids still have issues with it, but grandchildren don't even seem to notice anymore.
ReplyDeleteYou should have “CAUTION” tape over those torpedos!
AYEM8Y: I got clocked at number 1.
"1. IF YOU GET SOMEONE ELSE'S SPERM ON YOU."
Which I misread as, "1. IF YOU GET SOMEONE ELSE'S SPERM IN YOU."
Because I'm a cum guzzling gutter slut.
*Stickers when Grandma asks, "Would you like some dressing with gravy?"*
Happy Thanksgiving!
Do you wear a t-shirt that says “cum guzzling gutter slut?”
Or is it just common knowledge?
AYEM8Y: Came back to correct *Stickers with *Snickers.
And to avoid an unhappy Thanksgiving by having been the 13th commenter.
Being the 13th commenter is the new “Yay! First!”
MAGO: Marilyn Manson was not man enough for Dita, so I don't give a damn on his blabbing.
She’s available after splitting with her French aristocrat, if you’re interested.
MICHAEL GUY: I'm not gay; I shot my first turkey today!
Folks were a bit startled in the frozen foods aisle though...
btw: nice rules list
You’ve become entirely too butch.
THOMBEAU: He might have added "If you've never owned a Marilyn Manson album".
That makes me a gay man!
NURSEMYRA: After reading #23 it all makes sense
How is that marvelous son of yours, anyway?
NORMADESMOND: smiths and no bankheads?
He needs to rethink this entire list.
MAGO: Screw that Manson bloke, I always prefer Freddie.
Yay!