Mistress MJ is suffering from Periodic Functional Distress.
Please seek entertainment elsewhere.
In fact, go on over and read Random Chick’s first draft of her article about why we blog, entitled “A Place Where Everybody Knows Your Name…Sort Of”.
Now feck off whilst I take to my fainting couch.
Try stretching before and after engaging in rigorous activities and drink lots of water. That should help minimize any cramping afterward.
ReplyDeleteEROS: And what makes YOU such an EXPERT???
ReplyDeleteI'm not supposed to be up and commenting but you just got on my last good nerve.
*resumes fainting posture*
I have two words for you: MIDOL and WINE. It's all you need sistah.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the pimpin'!
RANDOM: Midol is SHIT. Useless shit. But wine is good shit so bring it on.
ReplyDeleteYour article is excellent, by the way.
Now back on topic...
Why are you people nattering away and keeping me up?
And where are The Houseboys with my cocktail and hot water bottle?
I do try to familiarize myself with women's issues; I find a hands on approach works best. I find it invigorating to deeply immerse myself as often as I can.
ReplyDeleteThanks for compliment...maybe try some Crack? Or give it to your Houseboys.
ReplyDeleteEROS: If it's women's issues you want, go visit WW at Snippets from Spaceship Orion.
ReplyDeleteDon't let the photo of the bulldozer fool you.
It's all touchy feely over there.
RANDOM: I'm gonna start shooting smack if The Houseboys don't show up with my nightcap!
And here I thought PFD stood for 'personal flotation device', like the kind Pamela Anderson had built in...
ReplyDeleteMJ, have you tried a couple Robax Platinum with that wine? Or better yet, I still have some Tramacet left over from my gall bladder surgery.... those will knock your socks off, honey! Too bad they require a doctor to get some....
Brown sugar? Ah the bad ole days ... You are Donned now!
ReplyDeleteThese nightshifts turn my rbain into poutine.
PONITA: That Tramacet says it's not to be taken by anyone who is intoxicated with alcohol so that leaves ME out.
ReplyDeleteMAGO: Yes but where is Donn NOW when I need him?
He's shut the door and turned off the lights now that I'm in PAIN!
Ah but you're here, Mago.
But then again, your hands are tied.
[fluffs Mistress MJ's pillows, tiptoes away from fainting couch]
ReplyDeleteXL: My dear devoted XL.
ReplyDeleteIf only The Houseboys were to take a page from your book.
Oh, here they are at last with my "medication".
And with the gentle fluffing of pillows and liquid pain relief, Mistress MJ floats off to Never Never Land.
Goodnight, Bitches.
Ach ...
ReplyDeleteMAGO: I heard that.
ReplyDeleteTake it easy dear!
ReplyDeleteYou seem to have that condition a lot. Hot baths and lots of wine?
Have you thought that maybe its not menstrual cramps but you are in fact gestating a DEVIL BABY.
ReplyDelete***dances nekkid round MJ's fainting couch wielding a cross and a bible***
How can someone yer age get a period and why the fuck do you think we want to know about it?
ReplyDeleteDrink a bottle of Jamesons. That always does the trick.
ReplyDeleteYou'll still have cramps, but you won't care.
Vodka and Tonic.
ReplyDeleteBeast has been watching Rosemary's Baby again... and he's nekkid except for his merkin...
Sx
I don't know who is the biggest baby - you or Beast?
ReplyDeleteit's fucking -19c and you want me to fuck off somewhere else...geez all i wanted was a nice cup of tea...
ReplyDelete*huffs off with gloves*
Would Mistress MJ feel better if she went shoe shopping?
ReplyDeleteIt was an soft and tender aspirated "Ach", zart dahin gehaucht ...
ReplyDeleteYou should look for a cramp ring, I already told you.
I dont think Mj's mewling over her spastic uterus and my spirited battle against overwhelming MANFLU are any comparison at all.
ReplyDelete***strikes Heroic pose***
I'm past menopause. Trust me....I thank my lucky stars every month.
ReplyDeleteCYBERPOOF: Hot baths and lots of wine?
ReplyDeleteThe Houseboys see to it that I have a hot bath drawn…when they’re not all busy boinking each other in the pantry.
And the drink flows like Dionysian wine.
BEAST: Have you thought that maybe its not menstrual cramps but you are in fact gestating a DEVIL BABY.
Knudsen hasn’t been near me in months.
KNUDSEN: How can someone yer age get a period and why the fuck do you think we want to know about it?
Speak of the devil…
You have caps older than my ovaries, you cheeky bastard.
And as your punishment, you’ll continue to hear about it until my ovaries pop off.
GARFY: Drink a bottle of Jamesons. That always does the trick.You'll still have cramps, but you won't care.
ReplyDeleteThat’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.
*tears up*
I tend to get emotional at this time of month.
SCARLET: Beast has been watching Rosemary's Baby again... and he's nekkid except for his merkin...
How does Beast fit his Lurex purple posing pouch over that bushy merkin?
KAZ: I don't know who is the biggest baby - you or Beast?
Just as I’ve never known Garfer to be so kind, I’ve never known you to be so cruel.
Is there a bad moon a risin’?
DAISY: it's fucking -19c and you want me to fuck off somewhere else...geez all i wanted was a nice cup of tea...
ReplyDelete*huffs off with gloves*
Mistress MJ is the only one here allowed to go off in a huff.
Are they rubber gloves? If so, I have floors that need scrubbing.
XL: Thank you for the suggestion to purchase those fabulous shoes that may make me feel the uncontrollable urge to be "jolly" or "merry."
Those shoes would have completed my look for Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition.
However, the shoes are 14 inches long and I fear that is more than double the size than is really necessary to please Mistress MJ.
MAGO: Ach.
Where do I find a cramp ring? In the cock ring aisle?
BEAST: I dont think Mj's mewling over her spastic uterus and my spirited battle against overwhelming MANFLU are any comparison at all.
ReplyDelete***strikes Heroic pose***
You are by FAR the biggest baby. So big that I can see you from here, spitting out your dummy.
Are you striking an Heroic pose in your Lurex purple posing pouch?
FENWAY: Welcome to Infomaniac!
I just visited your blog and I see that all YOUR readers are bitches too!
Have you met Mutley the Dog, one of Infomaniac’s regulars?
His link is on my Blogroll.
He’s looking for a comely bitch and you just might fit the bill.
Instead of coiffing the Chi-Chest-Hers pills for your periodic functional distress I suggest a hysterectomy and full sex change op complete with stomach lining made into a penis. No period pains and you also get to hang out at urinals? what's not to love?
ReplyDeleteSounds like everything goes as planned.
ReplyDeleteLet's never speak of it again.
MAybe we would have to rob a museum?
ReplyDeleteHere's a picture:
http://www.detego.co.uk/medieval_dress_access/medieval_artefact_20.html
One could ask HRH. The French had them too dating from the times of Louis the Saint I think. And up to the revolution the Ludwigs publicly once a year had a ceremony involving cramp rings and healing in Paris. See Kantorowicz, The king's two bodies.
EMMA: I wanna hang out at the Football Urinals.
ReplyDeleteCYBERPOOF: You’ll hear about it again same time next month.
MAGO: To wear the cramp ring, must I learn an Elvish language? That would be a nice touch to go with the shoes that XL recommended.
And will I encounter folk with hairy feet and eventually fall into the Crack of Doom?
BITCHES: Mistress MJ regrets that she will not be personally answering comments for the rest of the day. Alas.
ReplyDeleteAs mentioned previously, go over and visit Random Chick.
Do what you’re told.
See you on Thursday.
God Speed, MJ.
ReplyDeleteC'mon, haven't you ever thought of trying Dale Carnegie's PMA, positive menstrual attitude?
ReplyDelete*runs
That custard pie I sent you had the jizz of the evil capped one in it.
ReplyDeleteQuick chaps while Miss MJ is not here we can wreak havoc
ReplyDelete***Oils ass and leaves big butt print on glass coffee table***
**changes Miss MJ's lipgloss for lard***
**wee's in potted plants**
Well it's getting really old. Kind of like you!
ReplyDeleteYou know what's good for cramps?
ReplyDeleteCock.
That's why yer ma never has them.
She's always full of cock.
random chick's post was perfect, sugar! thanks! xoxoxo
ReplyDelete(hope you're feeling better or at least, too drunk to care!)
I can't believe Daisy was whining about -19C! We hit -51 with the wind earlier today.... and lived to tell the tale! Ha.
ReplyDeleteme too
ReplyDeleteso no abseiling or skate boarding or jogging then like in the adverts?
ReplyDeleteso no abseiling or skate boarding or jogging then like in the adverts?
ReplyDeleteGive your fragile and frail condition, I suppose I can forgive you for your wanton shot at my blog.
ReplyDeleteNow get yourself off your fainting couch and over to Snippets for some feminine feeling, mood-altering, hormone-balancing fun.
ponita...that was just the morning temp...it dropped to -30F with the wind chill today and yes it was fucking cold but i made it...just whined like a true illionian!
ReplyDeletemj...of course they are rubber...and you know just what they look like...but...i am not...and will not do toilets!
ReplyDeletehowever i can be quite inventive with these puppies...
BITCHES: I’m feeling much better now NO THANKS TO YOU!
ReplyDelete*slips on Knudsen’s jizz but thankfully misses hitting head on glass coffee table thanks to Beast’s big butt print all over it*
*shoves skateboard up Manuel’s arse for saying the same thing twice*
*puts on Daisy’s rubber gloves and strangles the rest of you*