Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Old Homosexuals’ Haven

We first wrote about this gay retirement home in 2008. Since then, so many more aging homosexuals have joined Infomaniac that we thought it was time for an update.



Are you a gay who’s going grey?




A poof with snow on the roof?



Have we got a place for you!



WELCOME TO TAZZY AND PIGGY’S RETIREMENT HOME FOR TIRED OLD POOFTERS!

Come on in!

Join our hosts Tazzy and Piggy (two aging poofs from Yorkshire) for a tour of this exceptional gay retirement home.

You pause on the front step, looking perplexed as there’s nothing resembling a doorbell or a knocker.

“Simpleton,” sniffs Piggy. “See that slot in the door at hip height? Just slip your todger through the slot and we’ll cum to greet you.” ...


[via]


Once you're inside, a portrait of Quentin Crisp greets you in the grand entrance hall. (Link provided for non-homosexuals)


Quentin Crisp

Photos of dead gay icons line the walls of your new home. They’re all here: Judy Garland, Oscar Wilde, Liberace, Joan Rivers… oh wait, she’s still got a few years left on that face lift. (with apologies to Michael Rivers).

Tazzy and Piggy lead you to the communal “living” room where you’ll find all your old gay friends.

“Lawks!” screams a freakishly tall, rake-thin figure as he bumps his head on the ceiling.

Gasp! Its IVD!

(The Home was designed by Piggy, who, by the way, is a Pygmy… a ginger Pygmy, actually. Anyway, Pygmies have no concept that the rest of the world might be over 4 feet 11 inches tall so the freakishly tall IVD is having difficulty getting about in his new home.)


Piggy the Pygmy (left) and the freakishly tall IVD (right) out for their morning constitutional. Note that Piggy is still able to walk upright without the aid of a Zimmer frame.

Why, you ask, is the relatively young IVD living in a home for aging poofs?

IVD is only in his LATE thirties but he’s developed an old lady’s taste as seen here…


IVD’s twee little cakes. Perfect to serve at the old poofs’ home with tea and a game of bridge.


As we scan the room, we see more familiar faces.

Why, there’s Mr. Frobisher! And he’s made a friend!...


Frobi (right with feathered mask) with unidentified friend on left. Perhaps we should have called it a “Camp” instead of a Home?


Old Knudsen appears to be disoriented…


I’m not ghey! Where’s the gurlyboys?


“What about activities and events?” you inquire.

We’re glad you asked.

Come along to the spa and relax in the hot tub!…




Or join Ayem8y in the gym to pump it up …




“Will there be houseboys?” asks Normadesmond


Why of course, Miss Desmond.


“What about Internet access? I NEED TO BLOG!!!” you fret.

Piggy assures us, “We’re fully equipped so you need never stop blogging ‘til the day you die. Access all your faves… like Infomaniac, for example!”




“Will I have my own private bedroom?” you wonder.

“We’re still working on that,” smirks Piggy. “For now you’ll have to share a room.”…




“What about a dress code?” asks Mr. Peenee. “Can I wear my special hat?”



No. No, you can’t. But everyone else can cum as they are.


Felix In Hollywood and kabuki zero (pictured below) reviewing the many amenities of Tazzy and Piggy’s Retirement Home For Tired Old Poofters …



So cum enjoy the good life at TAZZY AND PIGGY’S RETIREMENT HOME FOR TIRED OLD POOFTERS!



We’re sold on getting old!

53 comments:

  1. Thanks for the apologies!! I needed a laugh and this did it. I'll let Joan that Infomaniac send their best!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'd like to reserve a room, please...as far from peenee's cap as possible, thank you. I'll pay the extra.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh, the hilarity... I'm wondering how that circle went upon arising.. from the floor.

    ReplyDelete
  4. My I just take a moment to point out that you, dearest MJ, are a peach. All you do is give and give. You caring ways have not gone un-noticed, and you shall be rewarded bye and bye.

    ReplyDelete
  5. So this is where all the fabulous gays go when they're reartired.

    ReplyDelete
  6. The decor is hideous. I won't set foot there, sorry.

    Or in other words. Faggots, faggots everywhere and not a drop to drink.

    ReplyDelete
  7. freaking inspired, MJ.

    one of your best.

    ReplyDelete
  8. it's gonna happen, y'all know that, sugar! you're perfect to run the joint, so to speak! xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  9. ...surely it's not Friday yet...?
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
  10. I want to know how all those old codgers got UP from the floor - viagra only does SO much after all....

    Even with that - I'm in - internet and a hot tub - WOO HOO !!!!


    Shan-gri-la-la-ooohhhh-la-la

    ReplyDelete
  11. They aren't that fabulous if they're nekkid with socks on!

    Cyberpete's right, the decor is truly hiddeous.

    Hang on...I don't know why I'm joining in...they wouldn't let me through the door...

    Damn.

    ReplyDelete
  12. So I endorsed it eh?
    I hope the cheque's in the post.

    ReplyDelete
  13. What's the policy on Overnight Guests?

    Enqueering minds need to know.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dearest Mistress - please check out my blog ...

    http://2centsworthdownunder.blogspot.com/2010/01/kreativ-blogger-award-id-like-to-thank.html

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'll stay with the friendly and caring ladies in the last picture. They got balls.

    ReplyDelete
  16. XL: 1st!

    Why are you first in line to sign up for residency?

    Kindly step aside for those of the homosexual persuasion.

    MICHAEL RIVERS: Thanks for the apologies!! I needed a laugh and this did it. I'll let Joan that Infomaniac send their best!

    Looking forward to seeing both Joan AND you in “Joan Rivers - A Piece of Work”.

    JASON: I'd like to reserve a room, please...as far from peenee's cap as possible, thank you. I'll pay the extra.

    Not to mention Peenee’s lavender argyle socks!

    ELLIE: Oh, the hilarity... I'm wondering how that circle went upon arising.. from the floor.

    Will the circle be unbroken.

    XL: I can personally recommend the room service.

    Houseboys serving champagne cocktails are more to our taste.

    KABUKI: My I just take a moment to point out that you, dearest MJ, are a peach. All you do is give and give. You caring ways have not gone un-noticed, and you shall be rewarded bye and bye.

    Mistress MJ wishes to hire kabuki as social coordinator.

    Can you suggest any amusing activities, games, or outings?

    Although perhaps “outings” is not the best choice of vocabulary in this case.

    EROS: So this is where all the fabulous gays go when they're reartired.

    At the opening ceremony, Mistress MJ is hiring you to jump out of a cake…nekkid.

    ReplyDelete
  17. CYBERPOOF: The decor is hideous. I won't set foot there, sorry.
    Or in other words. Faggots, faggots everywhere and not a drop to drink.


    Blame Piggy and Tazzy.

    Gays missing the décor gene.

    BOXER: freaking inspired, MJ.
    one of your best.


    One gladly serves those who have served Mistress MJ so well.

    SAVANNAH: it's gonna happen, y'all know that, sugar! you're perfect to run the joint, so to speak!

    Thanks, Miss Savannah.

    Tazzy and Piggy are merely figureheads.

    Mistress MJ will be overseeing the day-to-day operations.

    SCARLET: ...surely it's not Friday yet...?

    We’re just getting warmed up.

    DAMIEN: I want to know how all those old codgers got UP from the floor - viagra only does SO much after all....
    Even with that - I'm in - internet and a hot tub - WOO HOO !!!!
    Shan-gri-la-la-ooohhhh-la-la


    But you have to share the facilities with that hot tub homo, IVD.

    ROSES: They aren't that fabulous if they're nekkid with socks on!
    Cyberpete's right, the decor is truly hiddeous.
    Hang on...I don't know why I'm joining in...they wouldn't let me through the door...
    Damn.


    You can be the rum-runner.

    ReplyDelete
  18. KAZ: So I endorsed it eh?
    I hope the cheque's in the post.


    We hope your example encourages others to give generously.

    KAPI: What's the policy on Overnight Guests?
    Enqueering minds need to know.


    I’m assuming you’re asking on behalf of a “friend”.

    Tell your friend he’s welcome to stay anytime as long as he’s willing to do “volunteer work”.

    DAMIEN: Dearest Mistress - please check out my blog ...
    http://2centsworthdownunder.blogspot.com/2010/01/kreativ-blogger-award-id-like-to-thank.html


    Grateful as I am for the kreativ kudos, take note that both Felix In Hollywood and Mr. Peenee still have Mistress MJ’s footprints on their backsides from trying to fob this award off on me.

    Mistress MJ would rather post pics of floppy old weenises than post that dreadful Kreativ Blogger logo on her blog.

    Thank you for the honour, nonetheless.

    LULU: Just send me the cakes...

    Did someone mention cake?

    MAGO: I'll stay with the friendly and caring ladies in the last picture. They got balls.

    And coke.

    And vodka.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I had a senior moment the other day on the way to the supermarket. As soon as I remember what it was I shall write and let you know.

    Your Homo Haven reminds me of a B&B I once (perhaps twice) stayed in at Blackpool called Trades. "There's Room To Roam At Trades" the sign boasted, and they're weren't kidding! We couldn't sleep with the constant rattling of the door knob from men outside wanting to come in. I opened the door at 4am and it was like a busy high street on Christmas Eve with men standing around like merkats taking a gander. In the end, I had to write on a bit of cardboard "All Passion Spent Do Not Disturb" Well, you loose interest after 20 or so don't you?

    A weekend at Trades includes full English or continental breakfast, light snacks, high tea and a no holds barred bout of communal fucking if you're feeling "Randy"

    ReplyDelete
  20. @ Mitzi: Do you happen to have the address handy for Trades? Uh, I'm asking for a friend.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Baths of Wine and ROSES said: "They aren't that fabulous if they're nekkid with socks on!
    Cyberpete's right, the decor is truly hiddeous.
    Hang on...I don't know why I'm joining in...they wouldn't let me through the door...
    Damn."


    It's probably something to do with the smell of free drink...

    ReplyDelete
  22. max brought me the head of the last person that dared glance at my mister gillis....i kissed its cold, dead lips and threw it away!

    ReplyDelete
  23. MITZI: I had a senior moment the other day on the way to the supermarket. As soon as I remember what it was I shall write and let you know.
    Your Homo Haven reminds me of a B&B I once (perhaps twice) stayed in at Blackpool called Trades. "There's Room To Roam At Trades" the sign boasted, and they're weren't kidding! We couldn't sleep with the constant rattling of the door knob from men outside wanting to come in. I opened the door at 4am and it was like a busy high street on Christmas Eve with men standing around like merkats taking a gander. In the end, I hadto write on a bit of cardboard "All Passion Spent Do Not Disturb" Well, you loose interest after 20 or so don't you?
    A weekend at Trades includes full English or continental breakfast, light snacks, high tea and a no holds barred bout of communal fucking if you're feeling "Randy"


    Do you think we should hire a bouncer to keep the riff-raff out?

    Or in?

    Oh, and apparently XL needs their address for a friend.

    XL: @ Mitzi: Do you happen to have the address handy for Trades? Uh, I'm asking for a friend.

    Everyone seems to need something “for a friend” here lately.

    BILLY NO MATES: ”Baths of Wine and ROSES said: "They aren't that fabulous if they're nekkid with socks on!
    Cyberpete's right, the decor is truly hiddeous.
    Hang on...I don't know why I'm joining in...they wouldn't let me through the door...
    Damn."

    It's probably something to do with the smell of free drink...


    That always draws Mistress MJ in.

    And what’s this about Billy No Mates?

    I thought Mob was your friend.

    NORMADESMOND: max brought me the head of the last person that dared glance at my mister gillis....i kissed its cold, dead lips and threw it away!

    I misread “Mister Gillis” as a euphemism.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I am obviously way too young for this to be of interest and this year I fully intend to live a little faster die a little younger

    Another cup of cocoa anyone ???

    ReplyDelete
  25. BEAST: I am obviously way too young for this to be of interest and this year I fully intend to live a little faster die a little younger
    Another cup of cocoa anyone ???


    Nonetheless, we’re putting you in charge of the barbecue.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I won't check in until Kabuki institutes the weekly "Spouting of campy dialog from old movies" competition.

    ReplyDelete
  27. FELIX: I won't check in until Kabuki institutes the weekly "Spouting of campy dialog from old movies" competition.

    I’ll set about arranging prizes for the competition.

    And I’ve already started practicing my lines …

    “Oh my God, it’s a wig! Her hair’s as phony as SHE is!”

    ReplyDelete
  28. Well if you want Mob to come back, leaving long trails of drool everywhere as he follows you around your boudoir like a lost puppy, then I'll send him a smoke signal or light the beacon fire.

    ReplyDelete
  29. BILLY NO MATES: Well if you want Mob to come back, leaving long trails of drool everywhere as he follows you around your boudoir like a lost puppy, then I'll send him a smoke signal or light the beacon fire.

    Mob is welcome to come back but he’s going to have to do something about the drooling.

    You know the policy here on bodily fluids.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Well I'm game! I shall pack immediately - not too sure about sharing a room tho'. Can I upgrade? btw has anyone applied for Entertainment co-ordinator???

    *strips naked and joins Damien in the Hot Tub*

    ReplyDelete
  31. FROBI: Well I'm game! I shall pack immediately - not too sure about sharing a room tho'. Can I upgrade? btw has anyone applied for Entertainment co-ordinator???
    *strips naked and joins Damien in the Hot Tub*


    I’d offered the job of social coordinator to kabuki but he hasn’t returned to accept the position.

    Based on the fact that you’ve already established yourself with “Crap Bingo With Mavis” cabaret AND you can squeeze yourself into pantyhose, a frock and full make-up for emergency drag performances AND you’ve brought down the house with your rendition of the soundtrack from Dreamgirls, you’re a shoe-in for Entertainment Coordinator.

    You DO realize those bubbles in the hot tub are emanating from IVD, don’t you?

    ReplyDelete
  32. I'm not fucking Ginger either. She had crabs.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Kabuki was indisposed today, a visit to the sanitarium that houses my doctor. I am not worthy to socially coordinate your affairs, but I have coordinated my wardrobe forever - so why not. You don't mind if I institute full-body patdowns for the visitors? Some look a liitle sketchy.

    ReplyDelete
  34. That was ghey...and HI-LAR-I-OUS! Can an old broad come hang out with the aging poofs or is that not allowed?

    ReplyDelete
  35. Good news I’ve just received word from the official committee that Penis Pumping is now a sanctioned event in the upcoming Summer Special Sexual Olympics to be held in Vancouver 2010.

    ReplyDelete
  36. PIGGY: I'm not fucking ginger!

    Yet you don’t deny you’re a pygmy.

    NATIONS: I'm not fucking Ginger either. She had crabs.

    Are you back from Oregano?

    *sends extra patrol cars to border crossing*

    KABUKI: Kabuki was indisposed today, a visit to the sanitarium that houses my doctor. I am not worthy to socially coordinate your affairs, but I have coordinated my wardrobe forever - so why not. You don't mind if I institute full-body patdowns for the visitors? Some look a liitle sketchy.

    Full body pat downs AND cavity checks.

    Piggy’s lost his wristwatch.

    Please check to see if it’s up Tazzy’s backside, would you?

    RANDOM: That was ghey...and HI-LAR-I-OUS! Can an old broad come hang out with the aging poofs or is that not allowed?

    What have you got to offer?

    AYEM8Y: Good news I’ve just received word from the official committee that Penis Pumping is now a sanctioned event in the upcoming Summer Special Sexual Olympics to be held in Vancouver 2010.

    I’d congratulate you and shake hands but I don’t have my pocket hand sanitizer handy.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Them fellers in the gym is gonna be right sorry they'z hooked up to that thar milkin' machine 'cause it don't stop until it gitz 'bout 5 quarts!
    How many teaspoons in a quart?

    Looks like the feller sittin' on the left with the jumper cables locked on his nerps is 'bout to have his bag blowed up real good!

    I reckon all their wives is out shoppin at a fancy mall and the boys got bored..
    I ain't never seen nuthin' like it.

    ReplyDelete
  38. What a marvelous concept, a "Maximum Security Twilight Home" for Old Friends of Dorothy.

    I can see the establishments motto emblazened in sequins over the letterslot.
    "You're not in Kansas any more!"

    Oh.. silly me it reads...
    "Now you're in Kens arse. Anymore?

    ReplyDelete
  39. DONN: Them fellers in the gym is gonna be right sorry they'z hooked up to that thar milkin' machine 'cause it don't stop until it gitz 'bout 5 quarts!
    How many teaspoons in a quart?
    Looks like the feller sittin' on the left with the jumper cables locked on his nerps is 'bout to have his bag blowed up real good!
    I reckon all their wives is out shoppin at a fancy mall and the boys got bored..
    I ain't never seen nuthin' like it.


    Get with the Metric system, Donn.

    That’s 4.7 litres.

    PRINCESS: What a marvelous concept, a "Maximum Security Twilight Home" for Old Friends of Dorothy.
    I can see the establishments motto emblazened in sequins over the letterslot.
    "You're not in Kansas any more!"
    Oh.. silly me it reads...
    "Now you're in Kens arse. Anymore?


    Please get out your Bedazzler and create a sign for us!

    ReplyDelete
  40. Thanks for the link MJ,
    I'm signing up for one as I speak!

    ReplyDelete
  41. You crack me up....Give me the address I bet I would enjoy visitng the old poofs! XX

    ReplyDelete
  42. PRINCESS: Thanks for the link MJ,
    I'm signing up for one as I speak!


    You’ll be Bedazzling everything in sight in no time!

    RAD: You crack me up....Give me the address I bet I would enjoy visitng the old poofs! XX

    I’ve caught a few of the residents ogling the hot men on your blog so I’m sure they’ll welcome a naughty boy like you.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Is that a portion of fudgecake in the picture?
    Yes, that's meant to be an ambigous question.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Kabuki cannot attend this lovely camp. You have clearly stated that it is for aging homosexuals and I have not aged in years. Good genes, good food, poor eyesight - whatever it is, it's working. I still look FABULOUS. Of course I still be your society secretary, I know how busy you are. And how you get up to things when left unattended.

    ReplyDelete
  45. For an evening's entertainment, MJ will be headlining in the Minge Lounge Karaoke Room, regardless how often or fervently we ask her to stop.

    ReplyDelete
  46. ISTVANSKI: Is that a portion of fudgecake in the picture?
    Yes, that's meant to be an ambigous question.


    Did someone mention cake again?

    KABUKI: Kabuki cannot attend this lovely camp. You have clearly stated that it is for aging homosexuals and I have not aged in years. Good genes, good food, poor eyesight - whatever it is, it's working. I still look FABULOUS. Of course I still be your society secretary, I know how busy you are. And how you get up to things when left unattended.

    I’ve come unhinged since my previous secretary ran off with Ayem8y.

    Is your pen poised to take dick-tation?

    NORMADESMOND: you are terrific.

    Are you talking to kabuki…he of the FABULOUS looks?

    Surely you’re not talking to ME? *blushes hopefully*

    MR. PEENEE: For an evening's entertainment, MJ will be headlining in the Minge Lounge Karaoke Room, regardless how often or fervently we ask her to stop.

    *aims ping pong ball at Peenee’s forehead, knocking his hat off his head*

    ReplyDelete
  47. Thank Christ one of the old poofs had the foresight to put a towel over that dreadful astroturf green lounge. Not just for sanitary reasons (La Diva is a bit dirty herself) but because it's so butt ugly! (though the towel and blanky are pretty bad too....)

    PS: Just LOVE the serious, practical Clarks sandals on the one with the glasses!

    ReplyDelete
  48. LA DIVA CUCINA: Thank Christ one of the old poofs had the foresight to put a towel over that dreadful astroturf green lounge. Not just for sanitary reasons (La Diva is a bit dirty herself) but because it's so butt ugly! (though the towel and blanky are pretty bad too....)
    PS: Just LOVE the serious, practical Clarks sandals on the one with the glasses!


    We’re hiring you as head chef, by the way.

    ReplyDelete