Monday, May 28, 2007

The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition!

REMINDER: Submit your captions by midnight Pacific Standard Time on Sunday, June 3rd. Note to those of you in the UK: That’s 8:00 am on Monday, June 4th.

At last! Here’s your chance to enter The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition!

Though it pains me to remove them from my head, the time has come for the thoroughly stained Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts to move on to their next foster home.

“What do I have to do to win The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts?” you ask.

Take a long, hard look at the photo above of MJ (that's me) wearing The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts.

Create a caption.

Post your caption in the comments section.

I’ll choose my favourite caption and post the winner’s name on June 4th.

“May I enter more than once?”

Enter as many captions as you wish, as often as you like.

“What happens if I win?”

If you’re chosen as the lucky winner, I’ll send The Shorts to you.

If you’re in another country, I’ll also send you a souvenir of my country, Canada, along with The Shorts. Bonus!

Then it’s your turn to take a photograph of yourself wearing The Shorts and post it on your blog.

“I don’t have a blog or a website. Can I still enter?”

No. You’re shite out of luck. Set yourself up with a blog because if you win, you must post a pic of yourself wearing The Shorts.

We all want to see you make a fool of yourself like the previous winners have all done.

“If I send you my credit card number and access to my bank account, will you declare me the winner?”

Bribery will not be tolerated.

So far I have received bribes involving wads of cash, seasons tickets to Alton Towers, and offers of sexual favours.

Grovelling and begging is looked upon favourably but will not win you The Shorts.

“How long do I have to enter?”

The competition closes at midnight PST on Sunday, June 3rd.

The winner will be announced on Monday, June 4th at whatever time I get around to it.

“What if I don’t want to win The Shorts but I want to tell you how stupid you look in The Shorts?”

If you don’t want to win The Shorts you can still leave a comment.

Just be sure to let me know it’s a comment and not a caption.

“Are those stains removable?”

No amount of scrubbing will remove the stains.

And why would you want to?

“Will you wash The Shorts before you send them to me?”

Again, why would you want me to?

“I’m new here. What’s this all about?”

If you’re wondering what this competition is all about, read The Definitive History of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts.

"Where have I seen this photo of you before?"

I gave you a sneak preview a few days ago. Didn't you see what the elf is holding?

Good luck, bitches!

REMINDER: Submit your captions by midnight Pacific Standard Time on Sunday, June 3rd. Note to those of you in the UK: That’s 8:00 am on Monday, June 4th.


  1. Thats a nice pair you have there, I wouldn't mind getting my hands on them, I'm talking about the shorts of course. This is merely a comment as my pride and self respect cannot allow me to enter the Elven shorts of Skidmarlalon. I'm into dwarves.

  2. No wonder you are hiding your face with your elf shorts. Look at the size of them fekking skid marks!

  3. Leprechaun, or whatever it is:

    Okay, as promised - remove your mask and you can look at my dirt track!

  4. "Thank Goodness someone's covered Medusa's head with those Elf Shorts - She's already turned Santa Claus into stone!"

  5. Having worn the filth myself I can caption without fear.

    And as often as I please.So there!

    Oh and excellent pic MJ!

    "Gnome was about to find out the true meaning of sexual deviancy"

  6. And so it goes on...

    "Having received fashion advice by the Elephant Man,MJ knew her luck was about to change"

  7. "Looking For A New Gnome........"
    (boring,but "on message")

  8. If you go down to the woods today
    You're sure of a big surprise.
    If you go down to the woods today
    You'd better go in disguise.

    For ev'ry gnome that ever there was
    Will gather there for certain, because
    Today's the day the little men have their dicks licked.

    By the way, this is not a caption, JUST A COMMENT. Please don't send them to me, MJ. I've always been kind to you.

  9. Well I hear ya loud and clear, in full effect
    Check me out, my name's Pru and that's a fact
    Oh I got a dream and it's the best
    to be the winner of the freakin green elf shorts contest!

    Jigga-who, jigga-what, jigga-me, jigga-you!

  10. Banned from Hastings St. for scaring away johns, MJ took up her cash stoll in Stanley Park and hoped for the best. Fortunately, this customer was wearing a 'hat'.

  11. That gnome has given me a serious fucking horn. Thanks MJ.

  12. It gives a whole new meaning to "peek a boo panties."

  13. As MJ inhales deeply, she becomes one with nature...

  14. The first living proof of 'arse over tit'?

  15. Mistress MJ is amused by her bitches.

    Keep 'em coming.

    *sits back with a cocktail for the rest of the week*

  16. Hi de ho....

    "Being bored with her Rampant Rabbit,MJ camoflaged herself in the hope of catching the mythical Gyrating Gnome"

  17. "Ladyboy MJ quickly covers her 5 o'clock shadow and adam's apple with the Elf Shorts as she catches sight of her next punter."

    Thanks, SID!

  18. Everyone's a comedian, aren't they?

    *asks SID to mix me another cocktail*

  19. *stirs frantically*

    Get that down ya girl!

  20. SID: *stifles gag reflex*

    We'll have time for that later.

    Now where's my cocktail?

    Oh, and the name IVD? Let's all refer to Inexplicable DeVice as "IVD" from now on.

    It suits him what with that warty wand.

    Thanks, SID!

  21. Whoops...sorry IVD.

    *blames voices in head*

  22. scratch and sniff game?

  23. Glad to see that you finally got around to posting the competition. Now, I shall need alcohol, lots of it and some time alone with the picture. I will return with caption at a later date. That is a smashing top you are wearing by the way....

  24. And MJ sings:

    You love my lady lumps (love),
    My hump, my hump, my hump (love),
    My humps they got you...

    --just a comment :)


    First of all, a big thank you to all you bitches who’ve participated.

    Secondly, welcome to newcomers CHICKA and GRANDAD. Not one but TWO comments in a row from CHICKA. I gotta love your spunk, CHICKA and that’s something I usually only say to the fellas. GRANDAD, you’re Irish so that’s points against you right off the start. Shame about that but try, try again.

    Next, you lot who want to run off at the mouth but don’t want to win The Shorts. Yes, I’m speaking to OLD KNUDSEN, GEOFF, and CHELLY. To quote Marlon Brando in 'On the Waterfront'…"I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDER!" You’ll all be sorry when somebody else is wearing those Shorts. I don’t want you to come crying to me when that day comes, you understand?

    It pains me to admit that so far, our frontrunner is INEXPLICABLE DEVICE. Both his captions are top notch. INEXPLICABLE DEVICE (formerly known as IVF or IDV) will now be known as IVD. All thanks to SID who can’t spell his way out of a potato(e) sack. Those of you who’ve seen IVD’s warty wand will know why this name suits him. I can’t bear that this poofy little sissy boy slapper should win The Shorts so please, I beseech thee people, enter more captions!

    Points awarded to JUNGLE JANE, PRUNELLA JONES, FIRST NATIONS, and GoBETTY for making me laugh.

    TONY, try again when you come down from that spliff.

    MARTIN AND JOHN: Are you pair on the rag? What kind of lacklustre caption was that?! You’re dragging up the rear. Even that other Yorkshire cunt Tony is ahead of you.

    SID, I can’t find a clause in the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Rule Book where it says that previous winners can’t win The Shorts again. So heads up, Oirish bastard. It could be déjà vu all over again.

    Speaking of the filthy Irish, I’d like a word with you KAV. You nearly poked my eye out with yer lad. Please put that thing back in your pocket.

    I know GEO’s about to become a Stupid American Daddy again so I’m not sure if he meant “scratch and sniff game?” as a caption or a comment. Trucker Boy’s a little excitable these days what with his hormonal psycho bitch wife MAIDY up the duff and her all hormonal as hell. Tell MAIDY to enter the competition. The waistband on The Shorts expands to fit even the most behemoth of bellies.

    I’m turning off the PC for the night but frankly I’m a little worried about what that EDDIE WARING fella is up to. Never trust a man with a My Little Pony tattoo on his arse.

    See you on DAY TWO tomorrow, bitches. Keep those captions and comments coming.

  26. Visa 4500-2783-3462-8621 Expires 08/09

  27. Hoodie goes green to impress Dave the evil dwarf

    I know, I know - too clean and too British.
    But can I have a point for taking part?

  28. *looks at recent entries*

    *sighs that it’s going to be a long day*

    I’ll have more to say about you at the end of the day after I’ve upped my alcohol intake.

  29. "Confucius say... Woman who eat magic mushroom wind up smelling crack."

  30. *looks at comment above*
    This competition is infected with Irish.


    This just in from ALASDAIR: a Canuck and a faithful Infomaniac reader.

    You may remember seeing a pic of his cross-country skiing arse.

    Alasdair’s PC is fuckered so he can’t leave the caption himself. And he doesn’t have a blog so he’s disqualified immediately.

    But here’s what he has to say and bonus points to anyone who can translate the Newfoundland English…

    “By the Lard Liftin dyin' Jayus b'ys, I wishes fer da life of me dat me poor old eyes could have ar look down at dat wunnerful grand brace of dem MJs like dem freakin' green elf shorts gots over dere on 'er 'ead t'now.”

  31. "Here," growls the gnome, "put these shorts I nicked from that elf at the North Pole last Crimbo over that nasty mug of yours. Now, bend over like the good little cunt you are while I take a running start so as to jam me hat right up your arse. And don't forget to howl like a dog and yell how good it feels, ya filthy Canuck bitch,"

  32. I know, not my best. I need a cuppa, some food, and my little gnome out of my stomach.

  33. Sporting a subtle disguise to escape the paparazzi whilst 'cruising' Hampstead Heath, George Michael spots a like minded crack sniffing muslim ladyboy wearing the latest fashion Hijab.

  34. Shit! I'll have to pull my finger out now that Maidy and Steve have arrived.


    That wasn't a caption. Oh, and SID? Thanks.

    * vows revenge *

  35. "MJ covers her head in shame as David Bellamy/Richard Attenborough* points out the tracks her pendulous 'pillows have left in the forest"

    * DB is probably a bit too Brits Only, hence the second option.

    Nah. I think I've peaked.

  36. Blah!

    So. Who are the new cunts?

    From where did they cum?

  37. Word of MJ's possibly plastic pillows has leaked onto the has her pillows.

    I think the new cunts are cumming for a peep or a laugh...yes laugh methinks.

    Caption for today...

    "The silence of the forest was broken by Gnome as he muttered..."WTF?!???"

  38. Gnome kept a safe distance lest the wrapper came off her face.

    MJ was, however, about to discover that even from a safe distance, there really IS something magical about gnomes.

  39. Yay! M and J to win!

    *laffs at thought of double the filth*

  40. "MJ always liked to keep her Ano"gnome"ity"

    Kill me.

  41. I'm trying to get some work done and unfortunately can't monitor the madness that's going on in my absence around here.

    I'll deal with all of you later.

    *struts out of the room*

    I could use a drink though. SID, while you're up, get me a stiff one.

  42. Big Ears was starting to wonder whether the new agoraphobic Noddy apprentice was going to work out.

  43. *unscrews Jameson*

    Sorry your working...

    *takes swig*

    *replaces cap*

  44. MJ

    "I think I am a gnomosexual...."

  45. Bock the Robber7:23 PM, May 29, 2007

    Great tits.

    Well done.

  46. MJ How glad are you that it is almost over and done with and the shorts will soon be gone....

    Great picture though ;

    I'm LOVING the captions!

  47. My Caption - "Nice Rack"

    I hardly noticed the elf shorts on your head or the gnome or the forest for that matter.

    The Original Elf Shorts Model

  48. Concerned that the bag might fall off, the Gnome insisted that MJ also place the shorts over her head to be extra safe.


    The latest Travelocity commercial, "The Roaming Gnome's Canadian Vacation" is banned from daytime TV due to it's suggestive nature.

    I will return with more.... Did I mention what a smashing top you are wearing in that picture?

  49. "Infused with so much 'DNA', the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts had come to life, turning Facehugger, and leapt at their current owner.
    Unfortunately for them, their attempts to impregnate MJ were thwarted by her much-used deep-throating skills."

    The dirty bitch.


    Before we get to The Shorts standings, please take note that we have two special guests today: ANDREA KNAPP (Andi), the Queen of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts herself and her husband, JORGE PORGE who was the first person to model the shorts! All hail ANDREA! Bow down in her presence. Without her, there would be no Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Competition. ANDI’s the one who started it all. The world is a better place because of QUEEN ANDREA. And ANDI? I miss those Shorts already! I can’t bear to part with them. As for JORGE, he wouldn’t recognize The Shorts today as they’re stretched out of shape in front thanks to Jon’s big schlong and stretched in the back because of SID’s big arse. And the stains! JORGE, through a long and arduous task similar to an archaeological dig, I’ve uncovered your original stain and drawn a chalk circle around it for future winners to identify and appreciate its historical significance.

    Right. Let’s get down to business and see where we stand in Round Two.

    INEXPLICABLE DeVICE (IVD) who was in the lead yesterday, now has stiff competition in the form of MAIDY, STEVE, MARTIN & JOHN, SPIKEY, MUTLEY and EDDIE WARING. You’re all frontrunners. All of you, including IVD, are neck in neck. Maidy got bonus points for turning me on with her dirty talk, the filthy bitch. As I’m typing, I see that IVD has submitted yet another brilliant caption thus assuring his place as a frontrunner.

    Honourable Mention goes to K8 though she receives demerit points for being Irish.

    Attention KAZ and CHAUCER’S BITCH: We Canadians are simple folk who don’t easily grasp your obscure references. Please do not confuse us or challenge us at any level. I haven’t a clue what either one of you were on about. Nonetheless, a point to each of you for showing up. CONNIE (Convict), I see you’ve tossed in a British reference in an attempt to confuse me but lucky for you, I recognize Noddy and Big Ears. You get an extra point for making me laff.

    SID, you’ve been quite clever with your captions considering you’re a big eejit but I’m deducting points for your suggestions that my fun pillows are Rubbermaids. Shame on you. You of all people should know the real thing when it comes along. As punishment, I’m ordering you to apply liberal amounts of suntan lotion to my party pillows as I enjoy a nude sunbathing session later today.

    I would like to remind MS MAC and SID that the final decision as to the winner is MY decision. Cheer on your favourites, if you must, but keep that in mind.

    MARTIN AND JOHN asked, “Who are the new cunts? From where did they cum?” The answer is obvious. They followed a star in the east.

    And finally, a special thank you to BOCK THE ROBBER. He has conducted himself like a gentleman with his polite and thoughtful comment. Chivalry is not dead.

    Continue on, bitches. The heat is on.

  51. I hated the top you were half wearing, take it off while I sit and think about dwarf sex.

  52. Oh dear. That fell rather flat, didn't it? Jokes are never funny when they have to be explained, but allow me to illucidate my "obsure" reference.

    In the US of A there is a game played amongst children called "Marco Polo," which closely resembles "tag," except that the child who is "it" is blindfolded. He or she attempts to locate and tag another child by calling out "Marco!" and all the other children must respond by shouting "Polo!" In this way It can track the other children by the sound and direction of their voices. This game is most often played in a swimming pool. It's great fun. I'm surprised you Canuks don't have it. I think you should start a new trend.

    Anyway, the picture of you with the shorts on your head reminded me of a game of Marco Polo where you are trying to locate the gnome with the blindfold on.

  53. *"locate the gnome while blindfolded" is what i should have said. that last sentence was grammatically ambiguous. sorry.

  54. Thanks for the honourable mention, but as for being Oirish... FOK YOU, MANG! We're not the ones who get foreigners trying to get us to say the word 'about' just so they can have a cheap laugh... all you Canadians have flappy heads and beady eyes anyway. The kids on South Park told me.

    So give me back my points or I'll set the IRA on you.

  55. I wake up to a lynch mob today!
    *checks calendar for date of full moon*

    KNUDSEN: Take off my top? You take your cap off and I’ll leave a nice surprise in it then, eh?

    CHAUCER’S BITCH: I was not allowed a childhood. Though when no one was looking, we would play the odd game of cow chip Frisbee out in the pasture. The secret is to wait ‘til the cow pies have dried out completely in the sun or you’ve got a real mess on your hands. Now that you’ve educated and illuminated me on the ways of youngsters, point awarded.

    K8: I have to listen to that Irish bastard SID moan on and on all day and now YOU start in at me? Not to mention hearing the countless Irish relations reminding me of my heritage and how lucky I was to even have a cow chip to toss about in the fields as they only had potatoes to hurl at each other. Point awarded for your spunk. Though as I said to CHICKA, that’s a line I usually only use on the fellas.

  56. As always, on behalf of Ms. Mac...

    "Cover your head with this wretched gear, for the evil seed is ever near. Breathe deep the scent of wearers past, and know the marks of others' ass. I've two things red and full of spunk, bend over now for a gnomely fuck."

    I know, it's amazing I won them once.

  57. Hi there, I've tried to win those damn shorts and so far haven't been able to. Here's my caption:

    Gnome prepares to reveal the latest winner of "America's Next Top Model".

  58. *Pats K8 on back*

    Great caption K8!

    Us Irish are good at winning shameful things twice,you know like the Eurovision Song Contest blah blah,anyway...

    K8 you should see what they do to defenceless cuddly seals.

    Caption for this day made by the lord,so lets start at the beginning...

    "And so his joint came to pass,so God created dwarf in his own image,in the image of dwarf he created him;male and female dwarves he created them.
    And God enjoyed his joint for it was good"

  59. Smell that? Now get your happy tits over here, can't you see a gnome is ready to get some?


    Kim has been blogging about those damn shorts forever, I had to see what it was all the voyage they have been on...

  60. "After attempting to smother their dwarvish leader with her ample bosom, MJ was attacked by the Klingons!"


    "After ridiculing the traditional Ewok Hat-Gift, Obi Wan Kenobi forced MJ to confront the Dark-Brown Side."

    Phew! I think that's my lot.

  61. "Three stains from the Elven-kings under the sky,
    Seven from the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
    Nine from mortal men doomed to die*,
    One from the Dark Lord on his dark throne,**
    One the Freakin' Green Elf-shorts, where the stains lie!"


    *'die' in this case having a double meaning, the less-obvious one being a reference to die as it was used in the 17th century as a euphamism for male orgasm.

    **'throne' also being a euphamism for 'toilet.'

    ***there i go again, killing my jokes by explaining them. {sigh}

  62. *ON the Freakin' Green Elf-shorts. well i botched that, didn't i?

  63. "Okay, baby. This time I'LL play the naughty wood gnome and YOU play the slutty executioner bitch."

  64. Intoxicated by the heady aroma of elf gusset gravey, MJ was oblivious to the approach of the underpant gnome.

  65. Bock the Robber9:30 PM, May 30, 2007

    What the fuck is this about?

  66. Shit. I came back to make an amendment, only to find that CB, Maidy & Tickers have warranted it pointless.

    Oh well, while I'm down here: Please replace 'ridiculing' with 'she ridiculed' in my last caption.



    Front runners INEXPLICABLE DeVICE, MAIDY, STEVE, MARTIN & JOHN, SPIKEY, MUTLEY and EDDIE WARING must all shove closer together as they’re joined today by CHAUCER’S BITCH and MS MAC. Make room!

    CHAUCER’S BITCH penned an inspired poem and kindly took the time to include footnotes for the benefit of us backwards Canucks. Well done, CB.

    MS MAC’s caption was entered on her behalf by KIM. Allow me to explain. Actually, I’ll allow KIM to explain it in her words…

    “The story of Ms. Mac is a sad, sad tale.

    You see, many years ago (actually only like one and a half), a lovely woman named Stella coveted The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts with all of her heart. Time and time again, Stella - whom most know by the name Ms. Mac - entered carefully thought out captions and witty bits of humor to try to win the shorts by honest means. Eventually, when that did not work, she began to flirt with bribery, begging and pouting. Alas, it was to no avail and poor Ms. Mac has yet to claim the shorts as her own.

    Those of us with a heart felt for poor Stella and have taken to entering captions on her behalf, in the fondest hope that she will one day place them upon her **Swiss arse and prance with glee upon the Alps and shine in the glory of The Freakin' Elf Shorts.

    ** she's not really Swiss.”

    Okay, it’s me, MJ, again. Thanks KIM.

    IVD, you can stop now. You must be spent. You’ve blown your load. It must be exhausting servicing shiploads of randy sailors and still coming up with such clever captions. Obviously you’re a wreck as you’re starting to make errors. It’s a slippery slope from Front Runner to Honourable Mention if you continue to slip up, girlie.

    Honourable Mentions today go to TICKERS, WARCRYGIRL, and MP. Nice work, bitches.

    MAIDY, your caption makes me want to “go down to the woods today” but your first comment from yesterday is the one that’s a frontrunner.

    SID: points deducted for taking the Lord’s name in vain. Ya filthy Taig. Down on your knees. More points deducted for mentioning the seal hunt. You know how I feel about that. You’re not too big to take across my lap and give you a good thwacking with the lacrosse stick, you know.

    BOCK THE ROBBER: All you really need to know about this compo is that your comment was number 69! If you want to know what this is all about, please consult with SID who acts not only as my slave boy but also as my Canuck-to-Irish interpreter.

    Forge ahead, bitches. A new day dawns.

  68. Um, I can't really take the credit for the poem i'm afraid. it's a parody of the poem JRR Tolkein opens TLotR with. I guess I needed another footnote!

    (That's how you know I'm a real academic: my footnotes are longer than my text.

  69. CB: Parodies are acceptable.

    You maintain your place as a front runner.

    Please continue with the footnotes as they amuse Mistress MJ. In fact, I ask that you communicate with me in footnotes at all times from now on.

  70. In a horrid game of hide & seek that wayward gnome came across the ever so sexy and enchanting Mistress of the erotic forest. As he became aware of the throbbing sensation coming from between his legs, he stripped down to see what was causing such a stir between his legs, flinging his freakin' green elf shorts in the air only to find that they happened to land upon the head of the Mistress that caused such excitement within him. Realizing what he had done he became frightened of what punishment awaits him from the sexy Mistress. In his fear he ran home realizing that he had no freakin’ short on and wondered to himself, will I ever see my freakin’ green elf shorts again?

  71. "Wear Freakin' Green Elf Shorts when your elf esteem is low... because you're worth it!"

    I think my cheese has finally slipped off my cracker.

  72. WOW! Im number 76!!!
    how goes it?Have I won yet?

  73. How to stop being a dirty bitch. The latest treatment available on the National Elf Service.

  74. Jaysus* When does this end?

    "In the forest of earthly delights
    With the elves and gnomish sprites
    Canuck MJ has covered her face
    While wearing a top,I think its lace.

    No handsome prince to kiss those lips
    Nor seven dwarves to part her hips
    She stands alone,ashamed some say
    Just moaning the simple word of EH.

    Her compo did us all a treat
    Captions,comments, all were sweet
    Her witty lines and quick retorts
    Just so some cunt can wear the Shorts!"

    I could go on but I have a sore eye.

    *Points deducted no doubt.

  75. I'll get back to you bitches at the end of my day.

  76. Lost and alone, the Gnome begins to suspect that the mushrooms he had been given by his friends the elves were of the psychedelic variety.


    The 10 Magic Tree air fresheners that MJ had hung around her neck in an attempt to overpower the smell left in the shorts by previous owners tricked her mind into thinking she was standing in a pine forest at dawn.


    It’s standing room only as more frontrunners enter the race.

    INEXPLICABLE DeVICE (IVD), MAIDY, STEVE, MARTIN & JOHN, SPIKEY, MUTLEY, EDDIE WARING, CHAUCER’S BITCH and MS MAC: Please squeeze in tighter to accommodate the following new frontrunners…KRISSTEEN AND SID. You frontrunners will have to move to the back of the bus in order to accommodate SID’s huge arse. KRISTEEN is from Colorado and used to wide open spaces so I hope she doesn’t get claustrophobic alongside all of you. As for you, WARING, your two new comments guarantee you stay in the race. I can tell you’ve been drinking, though.

    I know you’re all as surprised as I am that SID made it this far, what with all his demerit points. It was that pome that moved him to the forefront. For such a feckin’ big eejit, he’s not half bad. But SID, listen up. To stay a frontrunner you must be on your best behaviour for the rest of the compo. You know what I’ll do if you misbehave, don’t you?

    KRISSTEEN, you seem like a very dirty girl. You must come back to visit here and often. I’m sure that KIM is a bad influence on you so you’re not entirely to blame.

    Honourable Mention to K8 who coined the term “elf esteem.”

    TONY remains pointless and by that I mean he hasn’t scored yet. TONY, I can’t see you anyway through the *cough* haze surrounding you.

    A kick up the arse to that smart ass CONNIE (Convict) but a half point awarded for contributing.

    Has anyone else noticed that we haven’t heard from INEXPLICABLE DeVICE (IVD) all day? Another fleet just arrived in port so he’s probably quiet because his mouth is full.

    See you Friday. And to anyone who hasn’t submitted a caption yet, get your thumbs unstuck out of yer arses as we’re heading into the final stretch this weekend.

  78. It is true MJ, Kim has some amount of influence on my behaviours but in all fairness I can't blame her completely... or can I?

    And for those of you that are crowding me, back the fuck up I can't breath ffs.

  79. CHRISTINE: Have you changed your identity since posting earlier as Krissteen?

    Are you under the Witness Protection Programme now that you've been identified as a contender for The Shorts?

  80. Er umm.. yeah, sorry about that MJ, didn't mean to cause any confusions.

    I am, in fact, in the Witness Protection Program and ffs my cover has been blown due to my own carelessness. Whatever will I do?

    Thank you for catching my mistake in identies, you are smarter than I orignally gave you credit for.

    It's all good though.

    Oh and believe me, I will be back for more.

  81. CHRISTINE: It is important to remember that we Canucks are a simple folk, easily confused by you lot to the south.

    Our Internet connections are run off generators. We don't have electricity as the US has taken all our power.

    Nonetheless, we welcome your kind and look forward to your return.

  82. I tried to speak like a Canuck once but everyone thought I was some retard fresh of the shortbus after an afternoon of window licking.

    Hell, I haven't even been to Canada... Yet

    Oh, and my second caption... simple and sweet

    Oh where Oh where has my little gnome gone?

    Oh where Oh where can he be?

    If someone could remove these Freakin' Green Elf Shorts from my fucking face I could tell that he was off whacking his bone.

  83. "MJ was determined to wear those sexy green shorts despite the fact that she is an amputee from the waist down"

  84. Some cheeky bitches 'round here today I see.

  85. Mortified by his beer goggles the night before, Alan the Gnome quickly threw his pants over MJ and rushed her out the forest before his friends woke up and saw what he had pulled...

  86. Like I said, some real cheeky bitches.

  87. * sniggers at Pixie Sprinkle's offering *

    Ooh, I'm exhausted! And I've got lockjaw...

  88. IVD: I'm surprised your salivary glands are still functioning.

    Dirty little minx.

  89. Well, if it's not saliver in my mouth, I'm sure I don't know what else it could be?

    * glances awkwardly about, not making eye-contact *

  90. "She cuts down trees.She wears high heels, suspendies and a bra
    She puts on elfish clothing
    And hangs around in bars."

    All together now...."Oh...She's an Infomaniac and she's ok..."

  91. Alan the Garden Gnome was certain his new hybrid tree-with-nice-tits was going to take the gardening world by storm...

  92. "How much longer will this sodding thing continue?

    I can't stand it any longer!"

    Gnome then promptly turned on his glittering heels and trotted off - as he was unable to find any more rocks to throw at the lagoon creature.

  93. "I don't know why your crying under that pair of manky shorts - I've got to leave here by myself and it's getting dark"

  94. As Gnome innocently dropped his best fog-fart ever, MJ sought refuge in the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts.

    Little did she know, while she may have been avoiding the noxious gases, she was tempting VD in the mouth, courtesy of Smunty The Cabin Boys unwashed excretions.

  95. (voice from the woods)

    "Go on Gnome - Cut her head off and we can use her plastic pillows to float across the lake to the pot of gold. At her age, her honey pot is empty."

  96. Yay! I'm the 100th comment!

    What the hell is going on in here? I'm at work and taking a peek at the comments and everyone here's turned to look at me as SID's lumberjack caption set me off laughing hysterically followed by the rest of you fools.

    Gotta go but I'll deal with you bitches later.

  97. After an ill fated one night stand, the gnome and a pregnant MJ were married in a traditional Canadian wedding ceremony.


    A hooded MJ awaits the death penalty for her crimes against little people.

  98. Are you trying to steam clean them from the inside or are you eating the crusty's from others before you?

  99. Someone.. please... just kill me...before I enter the Green Side.

    Cue heavy laboured breathing...

    "I am your father..."


  100. Alan the Garden Gnome chuckled as launched his "Maddie McCann" line of green elf shorts...

  101. Hi HO!
    Are you stuck in a rut?
    Need a Cheap 'Ho-lady'?
    Then say Hello to Envy, the Cheap Ho-lady!

    Travelhotitty is an upstart internet vacation company that has a remarkably familiar advertising campaign that features a talking gnome and a hooded ventriloquist gal known as ENVY, the Cheap Ho-Lady.

    Envy is your ticket to go round the world in a single night, Cheap!
    What the hell, why not take the path MOST travelled and just get it over with.
    Just think of all of the Hair Miles that you’ll earn?

    Go ahead, your best friend Willy will be ‘Green’ with Envy! Literally!
    So don’t forget to check out our 'Penicillin 4 Penis-ill’n' Insurance Plan.

    Hi HO!

  102. Number 69, yeah? How appropriate.

    I'm still none the wiser, but it appears to involve a person with part of their clothing missing wearing the missing clothing from somebody else on the wrong body part.

    I must look into it further.

  103. Okay, SID's take on the Lumberjack song is my personal fave thus far.

    Could it be he may become TWICE the winner?


    As we head into the weekend remember that you have until midnight Pacific Standard Time on Sunday, June 3rd to submit your captions. That’s 8:00 a.m. on Monday, June 4th for those of you in the British Isles. The rest of you, do the math for your own time zone.

    Day Five proved that the compo is still alive as several of you contributed your wit and cunning captions

    No new frontrunners to report so the top contenders remain as follows:


    SID outdid himself with the Lumberjack Song caption. All together now...."Oh...She's an Infomaniac and she's ok..." In fact, SID single-handedly disrupted my workplace as his caption caused me to collapse in apoplectic fits of laughter, clutching my sides as I fell to the ground and unable to get a grip. If nothing else, SID will receive a prize for he who made me laugh the hardest. As I’m typing this, MAIDY has typed a comment in asking, “Okay, SID's take on the Lumberjack song is my personal fave thus far. Could it be he may become TWICE the winner?” MAIDY, I’m with you on this one. For once we agree. It’s going to keep me up at night, this DILEMMA. Sod you SID for being such a funny cunt. You’re still a big eejit though.

    Following hot on SID’s heels were MARTIN AND JOHN, securing their place as frontrunners with today’s multiple entries and eliciting more peals of laughter from an amused MJ. These two are definite favourites.

    CHRISTINE (formerly known as KRISSTEEN) maintains her place as a frontrunner and contributed another caption today (though I’m going with her first one.) And the language that comes out of her mouth!

    EDDIE WARING contributed another couple of gems today thus assuring his place as a frontrunner.

    Honourable Mentions today go to JUNGLE JANE and PIXIE SPRINKLE. You kooky coupla gals.

    Points awarded to Homo Escapeons (HE) … or should I say HO? And thank you for giving it your best shot for Canada, a country sadly underrepresented in this compo.

    GEO, once again I ask you…is that a caption or a comment? MAIDY, could you please ask him WTF? Point awarded for it being funny, whatever your intent, GEO.

    BOCK: You’ve got it! I hope you haven’t lost too much sleep over this.

    So sharpen your wits, bitches, as we head into the final weekend of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition.

    See you here on Saturday.

  105. 1) "I told you already, I'm not doing the Safety Dance!"

    2) "Side effects of Ambien may include daytime drowsiness, nausea, and waking up in the forest with green elf shorts on your head and a gnome staring at you strangely"

    3) "And presented in our gallery catalog, an original artwork titled 'Acid Trip At Renaissance Faire' "

    4) "Album cover art that Enya rejected"

    5) "Album cover art that Stevie Nicks approved"

    6) "I don't care what the fuck the script says, this wasn't in Tolkien! I demand to see Peter Jackson!"

    7) "Next, on 'Masterpiece Theater'..."

    8) "Let's play 'Pin The Tail On The Gnome'!"

    9) "Marketing ideas rejected by the Irish Tourism Board"

    10) "MJ, our undercover reporter, is taken deep into the forest to see the gnomes' pixie dust lab firsthand"

  106. I love this idea.

    The history of the travelling pants!

    But unfortunately I am not creative enough to actually write something.

  107. Despite all efforts to smother the bitch, it continued to live.

  108. "I can't see!"

    "Oh my gawd! My legs! Where are my legs?"

  109. FAT SPARROW: 10 comments. Is that all you can manage?

    CYBERPETE: Never you mind. It's enough that we share shoe lust.

    M and J: I'm feeling the love from you.

  110. It's good to touch,
    the green, green, ass of gnome.

  111. Gnome mutters

    "Thank God she put them on her face"

  112. Oh shit!

    Points deducted for blasphemy.

    Must do better

  113. "Due to the downturn in the worldwide rubber market,gimp MJ improvised"

  114. HE: My first inclination was to deduct points from you for installing Tom Jones’ voice in my head for the rest of the day. But I’m feeling magnanimous so go ahead and join the lineup as a frontrunner.

    SID: What did I tell you about misbehaving? Who’s a naughty boy? I’m going to be out and about today and I’m counting on you not to further desecrate this compo in my absence.

  115. "FAT SPARROW: 10 comments. Is that all you can manage?"

    Sorry, my writers went on strike.


    ONLY ONE MORE DAY TO SUBMIT! Remember you have until midnight Pacific Standard Time on Sunday, June 3rd to submit your captions. That’s 8:00 a.m. on Monday, June 4th for those of you in the British Isles. The rest of you, do the math for your own time zone.

    At last! Another Canuck joins the frontrunners. HOMO ESCAPEONS (HE) from Winnipeg, Manitoba is our latest frontrunner along with California’s FAT SPARROW. FAT SPARROW coughed up an impressive 10 captions all at once. The only person who’s ahead of her for number of captions submitted so far is the prolific and profane SID.

    Let’s take a look at our frontrunners (in no particular order):

    MAIDY (Maidink)
    MARTIN & JOHN (M and J)
    MS MAC

    Sunday is the last day to get those captions in, bitches! Or if you’re in the UK, you have ‘til 8:00 am on Monday.

    A winner will be selected and posted on Monday, June 4th a.s.a.p.

    You’ve all been brilliant… well… most of you.

    So if you have more clever captions up your sleeves, Sunday’s the day to submit.

    Good luck!!!

  117. * panics! thinks, 'MJ put the shorts on her head......' No I'm loosing it *

  118. After 3 long hours playing Marco Polo, the Gnome begins to suspect that MJ is actually enjoying wearing the shorts as a blindfold.

    Fuck last one

    It's not that role playing during sex offended the Gnome, he just felt uncomfortable with the whole Abu Ghraib scenario that MJ seemed to enjoy so much.

    I think I'm done....

  119. "Smelling the filth from the shorts made MJ realise they were only fit for one place.Barnsley,Yorkshire"


  120. TICKERS: Time is running out! Put on your high heel sneakers, Tickers. Act fast!

    EDDIE: I knew you had one more in you. And now you've blown your wad.

    SID: You make a good point. But if Barnsley gets any more contaminated, all the townsfolk will be forced to evacuate.

    What's that big poofy cloud of noxious gas over Martin and John's house, by the way?

  121. Actually this Wicked Gitch of the West picture sort of reminds me of Christmas Songs..

    I saw mj sniffing Santa's drawers,
    Underneath the mistletoe last night
    She didn't see me creep
    Down the stairs to have a peep
    She thought that I was f*cked up in my head but she's a freak!


    Don we now green gitch apparel,
    Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
    Smell the balls of last nights wearer,
    Fa la la la la, la la la la.
    Cough away from old butt gasses,
    Fa la la la la, la la la la.
    Inhale the toots from elvish asses,
    Fa la la la la, la la la la!


    Green Elf Shorts resting on my head awhile,
    Old farts crippling my nose,
    You'll probably stare at my boobs and just smile,
    just like that horny little gnome.

  122. HE: Let me smell your breath.

    Have you been out a-wassailing again?

  123. "As evil wood elf MJ shed her facial skin, the old gnome thought: 'Excellent! Just enough to make some shorts. They'll match the 3 piece suite, curtains and bedlinen that we've already made from the rest of her saggy, old skin."

    So, it's goodnight from me.
    And it's goodnight from him.

  124. IVD: You nasty little bitch!

    And to think I let you win!