Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Our hero: Manuel’s arse
By now you know the story of how Ireland’s finest waiter, Manuel, resurrected my blog.
Now it’s time to thank all you other bitches who contributed to the triumphant return of Infomaniac.
But first, let me tell you how I lost my groove; how I misplaced my mojo.
They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no'
Yes I've been black but when I come back you'll know know know
I ain't got the time and if my Daddy thinks I'm fine
He's tried to make me go to rehab but I won't go go go.
They took me away in my sleep to rehab. Took my bottle too. Snatched it out from between my Kung-Fu-Grip thighs.
They wouldn’t let me blog from rehab so I had to give up my blog, blog, blog. Broke my heart, it did.
Then IVD and SID launched a master plan.
IVD lent Broom to SID so that SID could fly to rehab and help me escape. That plan quickly went tits up as Broom couldn’t handle a 30 stone man.
So SID eased his girth into his car and drove through the night to my rescue…
SID whisked me away as best a 30 stone man can. He wooed and soothed me with sonnet and song. He plucked my harp as I blew his Uilleann pipes.
But our SID’s a trickster. As he soothed me with one hand he slapped me with the other. With this abomination!…
My dignity barely intact, I fled to the Oracle: Old Knudsen.
Old Knudsen BC (Before Cap)
Knudsen took me under his holy robes and instructed me as to the Meaning of Life. He offered to hoe my garden and trim my hedges. But just as I was about to see the light, he blew my cover and exposed my secret identity as Greta Von Sharpie; the famous groupie who once dated Motley Crue, Ken Barlow and the terrorist organisation Hezbollah. …..
Greta Von Sharpie
Long story short. I’ve sent my evil twin Greta to finish my stint at rehab while I’ve come back to blog.
Now, in the unlikely event that I still have your attention, I would like to thank the following bitches who paid tribute to me on their blogs over the past week:
SID with “For MJ” and “Mourning Has Broken.”
Garfy with “Alas Poor MJ, We Knew Her Well.”
Tazzy and Piggy with "Petition Time" and “The Friday Read.”
Old Knudsen with “Blogger Uncovered.”
Inexplicable DeVice (IVD) with “Ding Dong, the Bitch is Dead!”
BingoWings with “See You Later, Alligator!”
Tatas with “MJ Leaving?”
Forgive me if I’ve missed anyone. You touched me. All of you big soft tits, you.
If you haven’t dozed off by now, my heart goes out to the following bitches who, along with Manuel and Manuel’s arse, were responsible for enabling my return.
SID (Stupid Irish Daddy): My shining star(fish). My inspiration. Do do that voodoo that you do so well. I kiss his fat Irish arse.
OLD KNUDSEN: My soldier of fortune. Who ya gonna call? Old Knudsen, that’s who. Brains and brawn and a rapier wit all in one package topped with a cloth cap. I’m proud to be a Knudsenite and proud to be his friend.
PIGGY: Pigsty managed to compose a long, thoughtful email to me without referring to me even once as “that auld bint with the toxic minge.” Obviously, it was a one-off but it worked.
FIRST NATIONS: FN invited me home for burritos. And you know what an honour that is!
WW & HE or SS or whatever he’s calling himself these days: These two Canuckleheads speak my language, eh?
And wiping up the rear: SMUNTY THE CABIN BOY.
And finally, thanks to all you bitches who either sent emails to me, left comments, or both during my meltdown. I’d link to you but I’m spent. You are as follows:
Kaz (whose email made me cry, it was that lovely); IVD (Inexplicable DeVice) (you’re a peach); CyberPete (fashion consultant whilst in rehab); Geoff and Betty; Connie the Convict and his bitch Tatas; Tickers, Vicus Scurra; Frobisher; Chaucer’s Bitch; Dai (ta for stopping by. who are you?); Arabella (I didn’t know you visited here!); Kapitano; Billy; Ellie; MyToes; Peevish McSnark; Geo and Maidy; Rich; Brad Stitt; Daisy and NWT Runner.
A now a word, if I may, with BEAST.
I wasn’t gone five minutes and my body not even cold yet when Beast started nicking my material.
The dirty bitch would have got his hooks into my Album Covers and Filthy Friday too had I not called him at his game.
Your punishment, Beast, is a Norwegian fish whipping from Mistress MJ!
Ta very much, my darling bitches.
Hugs and kisses,
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Your bitch MJ has returned thanks to…
I was ready to hang it up. To abandon my blog and my blogging friends.
But then along came a waiter from Belfast. Manuel, they call him. From a funny-as-hell blog called Well Done Fillet.
And Manuel exclaimed, “What the fuckity fuck is this? I'll send an arse picture if you come back.......honest I will.”
How could I refuse? Because you know how I can’t say no to a man with a big hairy Irish arse.
So marvel at the delight-in-every-bite that is Manuel’s life-saving arse.
And get down on your knees and give thanks to Manuel, the man who resurrected Infomaniac from the dead.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Recently, Infomaniac reported on the horrors of Todger Trauma.
We neglected to mention a common penile injury we like to call the “frank and beans incident” where your bits get stuck in your zipper.
Have you or a loved one ever got your frank and/or beans stuck in a zipper?
What to do if this happens to you?
You could apply WD-40 as pictured above, call for the Jaws of Life, or follow these simple instructions.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Kapitano, for those of you who don’t know, is Hugh Laurie’s younger and sexier twin brother.
Kapi's off to the dentist to have his tooth pulled so we won't be serving the usual birthday cake.
Liquid lunch instead with a toast to the birthday boy.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
User-operated amusement apparatus for kicking the user's buttocks
Bend over, rotate the crank, and the boots on the blades of this apparatus will give you a good kick in the arse.
Butt hold on! This guy…
… claims to have the World’s Only Ass-Kicking Machine.
Alleged “World’s Only Ass-Kicking Machine” in Wirtz, Virginia.
“Bob reported that at least once, the thing "started up by itself," and, well, kicked his ass.”
And yet another arse-kicking machine found on eBay. Possibly belonging to Heather Mills…
I can’t keep up with the arse-kicking technology!
What use would you have for an arse-kicking machine?
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
You old-timers will remember my filthy Irish Porn posting of yesteryear.
The United Nations has declared the year 2008 as the International Year of the Potato.
In celebration, Infomaniac is pleased to present...
MORE IRISH PORN!
Sensitive readers please avert your eyes as we move into the S&M portion of our presentation…
Taking the potato fetish to new levels, we observe a real-life Mr. Potato Head perv in the privacy of his home…
And finally, a little live, hard-core action for you.
Watch, if you dare, as potato after potato is vigorously rubbed and stroked again and again with Tater Mitts.
“Simply rub with a few quick strokes” and strip it down.
Mmmm… them’s some HOT potatoes!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Penile perils abound as the following news items so painfully reveal.
At Ease, Soldier!
Typical appearance of a fractured penis
A young married soldier sustained penile fracture secondary to rolling over onto the erect penis whilst asleep in bed.
Surgery was performed and the patient recovered.
With This Ring
A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
According to the nurse attending, the patient’s girlfriend found the ring in the pocket of his trousers.
She got so angry that she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring onto his penis whilst he slept.
Wee Man Stuck in Hoover
A dwarf performer at the Edinburgh Fringe festival had to be rushed to hospital after his penis got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act that went horribly awry.
Daniel Blackner, or 'Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf', was due to perform at the Circus of Horrors at the festival known for its oddball, offbeat performances.
The main part of his act saw him appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member through a special attachment.
The attachment broke before the performance and Blackner tried to fix it using extra-strong glue, but unfortunately only let it dry for 20 seconds instead of the 20 minutes required.
He then joined it directly to his organ. The end result? A solid attachment, laughter, mortification and ... hospitalisation.
"It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed A&E [accident and emergency ward] with a vacuum attached to me," Blackner said.
Pencil in Penis Backfires
A Serbian man needed emergency surgery after sticking a pencil inside his penis to keep it stiff during sex.
Zeljko Tupic, from Belgrade, told doctors he had experienced erectile difficulties in the past.
So as he prepared for a night with his new lover, he decided to insert a thin pencil into his penis.
Tupic had to cut his sex session short when the pencil shifted and became lodged in his bladder, forcing him to call an ambulance, the daily Kurir reported.
Doctor Aleksandar Milosevic from Belgrade's Zvezdara hospital, who succesfully removed the pencil, said: "At first the patient did not tell us what really happened, but x-rays proved the truth.
"Tupic said he had no idea there were things like Viagra available but agreed that in future he will try pills before he takes any more chances with pencils."
Broken penis? Or Smunty's bendy bit?
Unless you are an experienced Puppetry of the Penis Master, please treat your meat with respect.