Monday, July 30, 2007

World’s Biggest Underpants Competition

One of you lucky bitches could win the World’s Largest Underpants!

These 100% cotton, 100" (254 cm) waist underpants stretch the definition of briefs. Each high-quality undergarment has a convenient double flap in the front and a sturdy elastic band to fit around the waist for maximum comfort. They come in the traditional white only and will shrink a bit after washing. Clear acetate box with illustrated insert.

Unlike The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts, the World’s Biggest Underpants have not been worn by dozens of other bloggers. In fact, they’re mint in the box!

How to Enter: Tell me why YOU should be the recipient of the World’s Biggest Underpants and tell me what you'll do with them once you win them. Enter as often as you wish until contest closes.

Deadline: Tuesday, July 31, 2007. 10 p.m. PST. (For you lot in the UK, that’s 6:00 a.m. Wednesday, August 1. The rest of you in other time zones, figure it out for yourselves.)

Winner to be Announced: Shortly after the deadline.

Don’t get your knickers in a twist. Enter now!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

MJ Does Seattle

Bitches, I’m back from Seattle.

Yes, Frobi, you were right. I’d “fucked off on hols again.”

First of all, I visited Mecca … the Archie McPhee store.

And you know what that means, don’t you? That I stocked up on fabulous prizes to award to you in future competitions!

Then on to the Kwik-E-Mart for snacks…

This Kwik-E-Mart is one of 12 7-Eleven stores in North America to be transformed into the convenience store made famous on The Simpsons TV show. The stores will revert to their normal appearance at the end of July but in the meantime, here’s what it looks like inside…

And just when I thought the day couldn’t get any better, I bumped into none other than our Piggy!…

All photographs © MJ, Infomaniac

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

MJ’s Gilded Palace of Sin

The year? Late 1800s.

The place? The Storyville District (red light district) of New Orleans.

The establishment? MJ’s Gilded Palace of Sin; the poshest bordello in the city.

Revel in the opulent surroundings. The overstuffed divans, the heavy, red velvet draperies, the potted palms, chandeliers, mirrors, oriental rugs, erotic paintings, fountains, grand piano, lavish banquet room and fully-stocked bar.

And in the private boudoirs? Big brass beds and double slipper cast iron clawfoot tubs.

And at the centre of this scene? Madame MJ holds court in this den of decadence and delight.

And you, her bitches, all play your parts.

Each one of you has a special role to play.

It’s not just any bordello, mind you. This “gentlemen’s club” caters to unusual and offbeat tastes.

So, those of you who choose to be courtesans in the Gilded Palace of Sin, please state your own particular talent. The one unique gift that sets you apart from all the others and draws in the clientele.

IVD, naturally, is the Palace’s biggest money-maker. That little wench brings in the big bucks not based upon any unique talent but rather on his ability to turn over the punters at an alarming rate. Ka-ching!

For those of you who would prefer not to soil your dainty petticoats, The Palace requires other roles as well.

For example, I imagine big boys Tazzy and Eddie Waring taking on the role of security at the door.

There are many different employment positions to be filled at MJ’s Gilded Palace of Sin. Name yours.

p.s. This idea was inspired by Garfer’s posting.

UPDATE: July 26, 2007. Infomaniac has left the country … again! This time I’m in Seattle. See you soon.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Infomaniac May Have Been Overserved

"Too much of a good thing can be wonderful."
-- Mae West

Infomaniac returns on Wednesday.

(Image shamelessly stolen from that other lush, Kaz.)

Monday, July 23, 2007

Tazzy and Piggy’s Book Inscription

Back in May, Infomaniac wrote a posting about The Book Inscriptions Project.

Well guess whose inscription ended up on the Book Inscriptions website?

See it here.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Maidy’s Bitch – Continued

Geo’s bitch training continues as MJ hands the reins to Maidy

Later that day, MJ and Maidy put their bitches through their paces…

Maidy: Your bitch is hung like a horse!
MJ: And he’s hot to trot. But enough about them. Howz about spending a little quality time together this evening?
Maidy. Right. Let’s put these bitches out to pasture.

Later that evening…

Maidy: This isn’t quite what I had in mind when you mentioned “quality time.”
MJ: Any more sass from you and we’re up for another bitchfight.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Maidy’s Bitch

An open letter to Maidy on the occasion of her acquisition of a man slave.

Dear Maidy:

Congratulations! I read the following bit of good news on your blog

Long story into Reader’s Digest format, I’m going back to work. I can’t do the SAHM thing, either mentally or financially.

So guess who is gonna be Mr Mom? That’s right, Geo! He’s gonna be my Mr. Mom, my manny, my bitch housekeeper.

*pictures Geo in French maid’s outfit*

Ooooo, I gonna so get slapped (and not in the good way) when Geo reads that. Maybe I should PhotoShop it.

So that’s that. I go back to work 01 August 2007. And as for Geo? His truck driving days are, for now, on stand-by.

Maidy: I, MJ, am here to help you whip that bitch Geo into shape.

I’ve taken Geo aside and stitched up this darling little outfit for him…


Comely, isn’t he?

As you know, I wrote the book on bitch training so I can impart all my worldly wisdom to you.

Geo’s a military man so you’ve got your work cut out for you. He’s used to giving the orders.

I understand what it’s like to have a headstrong bitch. I have to rein SID in all the time what with that Irish temperment of his…

Let Geo think he’s in control (read all about the technique in Chapter 9 of my book.) Soon he’ll be down on all fours, doing your bidding...

Sometimes, if he gets out of hand, you may need to apply gentle pressure…

There’s so much for you to learn, Maidy dear.

Oh fuck it. Just send me the plane fare to Philly. I’ll be Geo’s personal trainer ‘til you get the hang of it. You and me, Maidy. We’ll work on this side by side…

Maidy: More tea please, Geo-rgia.
MJ: You missed a spot, bitch.

Before long, Geo will be the handy little manny of your dreams and you can relax and take some time off while he keeps the home fires burning.

So what’s say we ditch the bitches and run off on vacation together, Maidy? It's happy hour!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Winners of the Summer Vacation Poetry Competition

Infomaniac gets a cheap thrill in announcing the winners of the Summer Vacation Poetry Competition.

The WINNER of the Infomaniac Summer Vacation Poetry Competition is…


Worship me

Stevey (aka Smunty the Cabin Boy) wins “What’s Your Poo Telling You?” the book that tells you everything you need to know about the shape of your stool.

We’ll be expecting a posting from you as you document the family’s feces.

Congratulations, Smunty!

Here’s Stevey’s winning pooem:

An Ode to a Traveller

As MJ & C toured 'round the
An epic yarn of smut
In Vegas they fed mammoth
Of dimes and dollars to hungry
Then through a canyon so large, so
They skipped and frolicked hand in
To Jamaica, Barbados as warm sunlight
Down snorkelling backs to starfishes
Mexico next to sample
While old men in sombreros paid 5 bucks to
feel her
Back over the border and to the deep
Awaiting was waiting to put six toes in her
Toejobs and blowjobs in the US all
They jetted to Europe, said so long to the
In Dublin they landed, ignored Tazpig and
Got pissed on cheap Guinness, those ignorant
Over to London they sat on Big
And waited, no knickers, for it to strike
Swam in the Thames, naked, for a
Came out all covered in bogroll and
On to cold Sweden, groomed their pubic
To improve the taste for all those
Down to Amsterdam the filthy old
Candlewax on the nipples, candlesticks up their
Overused and abused, ignored me, ignored
They went home again, home again for a slow comfortable



First Nations (a filthy bitch if there ever was one) wins a packet of HandzOff Anti-Masturbatory Gum and a “Wash Away Your Sins Towelette” as pictured here…

Congratulations, FN!

Here’s First Nation’s runner-up pooem:

Mj went to paris france
bought a baguette for her pants
spread some garlic on her flaps
slapped a french cop with her baps
they kicked her out, she left that day
sunning on the beach, UK,
a car drove up her nether way
I"m not the chunnel! she did shout
as a loaded truck drove out
'C' thought it best to take her west
to show her mate off at her best
but ireland proved our mj's match
she WOULD keep saying 'down the hatch!'
passed out cold from all the liquors
she'd forgot to wear her knickers
swilling cocktails in a pub
all the paddy's saw her nub.

FN, please email your mailing address to me. Stevey, I believe I already have your mailing address from that “Dogging in Dorset” brochure that’s making the rounds.

A few of you other bitches outdid yourselves and your pooems deserve recognition.

Let’s start with SID (Stupid Irish Daddy).

SID had a winning pooem on his hands, had he not made reference to my neck. That neck photo was Photoshopped by Piggy and you know it, you filthy Fenian slutbag. Do I make fun of your bald patch? Or your soft, well-manicured girlie hands? Or your huge fat arse? Or that little problem you have in the?

Oh never mind. Let’s just say that despite his “short-cumings” SID really is quite clever. Here’s SID’s offering:


2007, A summer vacation.

Travel with MJ, who loves domination.

Along with her Tranny, yes "C" with the legs,

And drink from high heels, their batter and dregs.


A crack of her whip, and your hols would begin,

Your clothes would be torn, as you fall into sin.

Your gimp mask unpacked,a ball for yer mouth,

Great North is too cold, I think they went South.


Imagine the frights,imagine the stares,

Of MJ and friend, as they showed off their wares.

Croc shoes, unashamed, and lots of vibrators,

Yes, it was South, but North of Equator.


Now C, it appears, is ever so shy,

With MJ as an escort, I never know why.

Maybe she knows, what we all really fear,

That her urine is used, for Canadian Beer.


No, Jameson's the drink that gets her real pissed,

And gets her all moist, like a Vancouver mist.

No rain in this place, just hot and all Red,

Which sounds like a night, with MJ in the bed.


Her holiday break, no it wasn't a trek,

I mean, how can you walk,with such a long neck?

I guess it involved, just some lying in bars,

And whoring about, in some fancy old cars.


But now she is back,never spending the punts,

Expecting a poem,from all of us cunts,

So where is my prize, you filthy old lay?

Or shall I fuck off, while you just moan... "EH?"

And that Kent, Geoff, can always be counted on for a rhyming good time. See what I mean?:

Around the world in 80 days?
No, MJ did it in a daze.
Wrecked e'en more than New Year's Eve,
Pissed away her annual leave.

The seven wonders of the world?
The contents of her stomach hurled!
O'er the ol' Grand Canyon's edge
And from the Eiffel Tower's ledge.

Pissed in London, Dublin, Nice,
At least we got some fucking peace!
No Infomaniac for weeks,
No cunts or cocks or spread arse cheeks.

As much a holiday for us,
But now we're s'posed to make a fuss!
"We're glad you're back here on the scene,
Our fragrant, wondrous Canuck Queen."

Then there’s Piggy. Yes, the relunctant Piggy gets points just for putting his stumpy wee trotters to paper with this gem:

A haggard old cunt, called MJ,
She travelled to lands far away.
In search of the ultimate cock,
Day, after day, after day.

To Dublin. To Roswell. To 7-11.
To find what would take her to pleasurable heaven.
She found nothing, of course,
Although she does sound a bit hoarse.

With 'C' the sunkissed tranny,
In tow to mop up the muck,
The punters complained it was jammy,
To which MJ replied 'Oh fuck!'.

She's back now, to everyones dismay,
With nothing to show but stretched chops.
We did try to tell her before embarking,
'The foreigners will say you're a crap lay'.

A ruse to enable her to post less,
'The readers will carry this hostess'
Rhyming tales full of woe and humour,
Continuing the wild, speculative rumours.

As for the rest of you, even Garfer, I thank you for participating in Infomaniac’s first ever Poetry Competition.

And a special thank you to IVD who coined the word “pooem.”

Look forward to more competitions (poetic and otherwise) in the near future!

Monday, July 16, 2007

Summer Vacation Poetry Competition

Come along and enter Infomaniac’s first ever Poetry Competition.

You’re eligible for fabulous prizes!

The Details: Compose a poem about what you think I did on my summer vacation and type it into the comments section. As none of you (well, maybe one of you) knows for sure how I spent my summer vacation, the prize will not be awarded for accuracy but rather for imagination and creativity. Enter as often as you wish!

Deadline: Wednesday, July 18, 2007. Midnight PST. (For you lot in the UK, that’s 8:00 a.m. Thursday, July 19. The rest of you in other time zones, figure it out for yourselves.)

Winners Announced: Thursday, July 19, 2007 at whatever time I’m good and ready.

Judge: MJ.

And now…the moment you’ve all been waiting for…


First Prize:

The best poem wins a little brown book entitled, “What’s Your Poo Telling You?”

With universal appeal (everyone poops, after all), this witty, illustrated description of over two dozen dookies (each with a medical explanation written by a doctor) details what one can learn about health and well-being by studying what's in the bowl. A floater? It's probably due to a buildup of gas. Now think back on last night's dinner, a burrito perhaps? . . .All the greatest hits are here: The Log Jam, The Glass Shard, The Deja Poo, The Hanging Chad . . . the list goes on. Sidebars, trivia, over 60 euphemisms for number 2, and unusual case histories all make this the ultimate bathroom reader. Who knew you could learn so much from your poo?

Second Prize:

Our runner-up wins a packet of HandzOff Anti-Masturbatory Gum.

We know Natures urges can arise at the most inappropriate times. Thats where Handzoff Anti-Masturbatory Gum comes in handy. When you've got the fire down below and you must say no – chew HandzOff instead!

Instant relief lasting up to 6 hours!

Let’s face it though. One packet is not enough for the likes of you wankers.

But wait! That’s not all!

The runner-up also receives a “Wash Away Your Sins Towelette.”

Right your wrongs with a wipe! Save yourself! Save others! Handy towelette with a light Easter lily scent and antibacterial action. Effective in cars, confessionals and motels. Perfect for the sinner on the go!

What are you waiting for? Get writing, bitches!

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Summer Hols: Part Two

In which MJ engages in Foreign Relations.

Pay attention, bitches, as these clues may help you in next week’s new competition involving what I did on my summer vacation.

Moving along to the second leg of my journey, I met up with my very special mystery friend.

Here we are enjoying Happy Hour…

Friday, July 13, 2007

Summer Hols: Part One

Pay attention, bitches, as there will be a competition next week involving what I did on my summer vacation. And to make it worth your while, prizes will be awarded.

Anyway (Piggy’s favourite word), the first “leg” of my vacation was spent with my friend and travelling companion, “C.”

As promised, I managed to convince her to reveal another body part to you on this journey. On our previous trip to Las Vegas, we gazed upon her arm...

This time, we get a peek at her southern extremities…

And once I got her good and liquored up, the clothes came off!

Let’s pan north with the camera to observe the gorgeous gams of “C”...

I wasted no time in snapping pics once she got nekkid. All with YOU in mind, dear fellow bloggers. All with you in mind.

But in the end, she asked that only her legs be exposed … this time.

However, if you send me your credit card numbers, I’ll email you the pics that she's too shy to show.

Coming Soon on Infomaniac…“Summer Hols: Part Two” in which MJ participates in foreign relations.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Message From A Broad Abroad

I’ll be back from hols in a couple of days.

But I’ll be too shagged out to read your blogs when I return so here’s what you can do for me…

Leave a comment and tell me what’s been happening in your world since I left the country. I’ll catch up on reading your blogs as soon as I can.

To make up for my long absence, Infomaniac will be holding a competition later this month … with prizes!

Gotta go now.

p.s. I’m considering hiring one of you to write my blog posts while I’m on vacation in future. Eddie Waring is my first choice based on the grand job he did in the comments. The cunt.

*trips over Piggy’s nosey snout and First Nations’ sharp tongue on the way out*

*wonders if Maidy’s up for a bitch fight*

*hopes someone sent flowers on my behalf if Knudsen popped his clogs…and hired professional wailers for his funeral*

*insists that Frobi bow as I enter and exit the room. Oh look who I’m talking to. Make that “curtsy”*

*laughs long and hard along with SID*

See you soon, bitches.

I must leave you now as there’s a tall glass of Guinness with a gorgeous head calling my name.