Tuesday, May 22, 2007

The Definitive History of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts



100 % polyester. Green with red trim and jingle bells. Made in China. Mens XL. Front fly opening for easy access. Stained.



IN THE BEGINNING:


Ohio, USA. Christmas 2004.

Andrea Knapp (a British ex-pat) buys a pair of novelty Elf Shorts for her husband George as a gag gift.

For a laugh, Andi takes a photograph of George wearing the shorts and posts the pic on her blog.

Andi decides to turn it into a caption competition, not thinking ANYONE would want to win them.

“Of course,” laughs Andi, “the blogging world decided otherwise!”



ANDREA KNAPP: Queen of the Elves and creator of the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition


HOW IT WORKS:



The general idea of the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition is to post a photo of yourself on your blog, wearing The Shorts. Whoever comes up with the best caption wins The Shorts.

If you’re the current holder of The Shorts and the next winner is from a different country, remember to send the winner a souvenir of your country along with The Shorts.


THE WINNERS:


Back to Andrea who posted the very first Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition entry here.


Behold! The first person to wear The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts: Andrea’s husband George…



Winning caption (by Frally) for George’s pic…
"I worked in Santa's Workshop and all I got were these lousy shorts"


After much soul-searching and sleepless nights, a winner was declared.

Andi lovingly packed up The Shorts and sent them off, along with some U.S. souvenirs, to their new foster home in Christchurch, New Zealand.


TO NEW ZEALAND:


Here’s the first winner, FRALLY, to model them…



Winning caption (by Jon) for Frally’s pic...
"Peter Pan rejoiced as his sex-change was complete!"


Read Frally’s Elf postings here and here.



TO ENGLAND:


The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts were now on their way (from Frally in New Zealand) to JON in Redcar, England.

Unfortunately, Jon’s blog is now defunct so we can’t read his Shorts postings. But a pic survives to document the glory that is Jon in the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts…



Schwing!


No doubt about it. This is when The Shorts started to get overstretched.



Winning caption (by Kim) for Jon’s pic…
“Hmmmm.... Heels or flats, What would Jesus do?”




BACK TO OHIO, USA:


Next in line for the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts? Comely KIM in Ohio.



Winning caption (by Karen) for Kim’s pic...
"This elf costume rides up my ass more than Santa when he's drunk and randy."


Link to Kim’s Elf Shorts posting here.



TO CANADA:



Onward to KAREN in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

Yes indeed, the first landing of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts in Canada!

We don’t have a photo of Karen in The Shorts so instead, here’s a pic of a woman in a Maple Leaf bikini…



The Maple Leaf: Canada’s national symbol
Winning caption (by Spirit of Owl) for Karen’s pic …
"And another thing," said the elf, "I faked my orgasms too."


The photo above is probably a close representation of what Karen looked like in the photo. Just use your imagination and add Elf Shorts. And a banana.



TO ENGLAND:



Now back to the UK to SPIRIT OF OWL (aka Neil White) in Bradford, Yorkshire, England.





Winning caption (by Strude) for Spirit of Owl’s pic…
“I have to warn ya, me wee ladies, I may be drunk.”


Read about it here.

And here.



TO UTAH, USA:


On to STRUDE in Salt Lake City, Utah, USA.

The stains may have worsened here though I’m not one to point the finger.




Winning caption (by PuppDaddy) of Strude’s pic …
"The Peter Pan understudy would mysteriously disappear for entire rehearsals, then complain that his legs were asleep & he'd lost feeling in his toes."




TO PENNSYLVANIA, USA:


Then to PUPPDADDY in State College, Pennsylvania, USA.

PuppDaddy strikes a dashing, superhero pose…




Winning caption (by Matthias) for PuppDaddy’s pic…
“Elf Begins” (inspired by the release of the film “Batman Begins”)



TO SWITZERLAND:


Then on to MATTHIAS in Bern, Switzerland.



Winning caption (by April Pissoff) for Matthias’ pic…
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
You've got the Green Elf Shorts
I've got poo


Read about it here.

And here.



TO CANADA:




Back to Canada (yay!) where APRIL PISSOFF shows us what it takes to win the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts …



Winning caption (by Herge Smith) for April’s pic…
"He didn't know what was the most kinky, the elf shorts, the mask, the interspecies rutting or his snazzy white ankle socks."

Read about it here. And here.



TO ENGLAND:



The Shorts cross over The Pond once more to England to HERGE SMITH.

Legend has it that Herge was the LONGEST HOLDER OF THE SHORTS EVER!

Herge even took them on vacation to Malvern and the west coast of Scotland.



Winning caption (by Ship Creak) for Herge’s pic...
"Oh, I can't; someone's been here already."


Read about it here. And here.



TO AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION IN THE UK:



The Shorts made their way to SHIP CREAK in the UK who photographed this low-budget porn shoot for us in his bedroom…



Winning caption (by SID) for Ship Creak’s pic…
"There's no place like Gnome"


Read about it here. And here.



MOVING RIGHT ALONG…


And now, moving along to the two winners I know best: SID in Northern Ireland and then Steve in England.

Between these two dubious characters, The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts would become stained beyond recognition. No scrubbing on my part could erase the stainage so I apologize to the next recipient who wins them after me.




TO NORTHERN IRELAND:



The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts first time on the Emerald Isle!

Here’s our SID (Stupid Irish Daddy). Revel in his humiliation.

*stifles peals of laughter*


Winning caption (by Steve) for SID’s pic…
Verne Troyer and Bernard Manning caught on camera rehearsing their parts for Andrew Lloyd Webber’s latest smash hit - “Crying Game:The Musical”

Read about it here.




TO ENGLAND:

Now to our STEVE (England’s finest postie) in Dorset, England.

Steve vogues for the camera…




The winning caption (by me, MJ) for Steve’s pic was a poem. Allow me to explain.

This poem is about Steve’s fag hag wife Carly. She’s tarted herself up on Christmas Eve awaiting the return home of her beloved Steve. She’s hoping for a night of the old in-out-in-out. But closet-case Steve shows up on the doorstep with a “poofy old queer” i.e. Steve’s poofter pal John (aka Piggy). It’s a true story!


A Fag Hag’s Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and somewhere in Dorset
Carly put on her high heels and corset
The sex toys were placed on the mantle with care
In hopes that her Stevie soon would be there.
The kids in their beds were all safely tucked
“Let Steve be here soon and please let me get fucked!
Carly awaited the jolly old elf
But he took so damn long she got started herself
When out on the porch there arose such a clatter
She tripped o’er the vibrator cord to see what was the matter
When what to her wandering eyes should appear
But a postie in elf shorts and a poofy old queer
Steve spoke not a word but reached under his sac
Anal beads and a dildo pulled out of his crack
“I’ve been havin’ some fun with this Yorkshire fairy
You’re too smooth, Carly. I like ‘em hairy.
Carly smiled at the pair and invited them in
I’ll put on some Kylie, help yourself to the gin
Steve exclaimed as he raised his glassful of cheer
“I’m homo for the holidays, get used to it dear!



Read about it here and here.




BACK TO CANADA (Third time in Canada!):

Now it’s my turn to don The Shorts and subject myself to the ridicule of the masses.

Read about my caption competition here and here.



MJ struts her stuff in The Shorts and asks for captions.





Winning caption (by Inexplicable DeVice) for MJ’s pic…
"Ladyboy MJ quickly covers her 5 o'clock shadow and Adam's apple with the Elf Shorts as she catches sight of her next punter."




BACK ACROSS THE POND TO NORWICH, NORFOLK, ENGLAND!


I’ve bonded with The Shorts and cling to them the way they cling to me.

But it’s time for them to go to their new foster home with Inexplicable DeVice.

Drumroll please…



Here lies Inexplicable DeVice in all his glory as he awaits the next winner to come along and remove The Shorts from his scrawny body.


You can read all about his competition here (complete with loads of captions) and read the results here.





Winning caption (by Eroswings) for Inexplicable DeVice’s pic…

IDV thighs,
IDV thighs,
Every morning you greet me.
Long and White,
Smooth and Bright,
You look horny to meet me.

Blossom among Hoes
May you Bloom and Glow
Bloom and Glow forever

IDV thighs
IDV thighs
Be STD free forever





TO TEXAS:



(You know you want to click to enlarge)

Winning caption (by Tatas) for Eroswings’ pic…

Them elf shorts they don't fit,
He needs to use them to cover his bits.
He holds on to his hat as the wind picks up,
For hours he'll be getting sand out from his butt.



Eroswings wanted you to hit him with your best shot and you can see his competition here.

And click here to see Eroswings’ announcement of the winner.


TO BERKSHIRE, ENGLAND:

Now on to Berkshire, England where Tatas is hosting the competition starting February 24th, 2008.

Update: A winner was announced on March 8, 2008.

Read all the captions her compo received here.

And read about the winning entry here.



Winning caption (by CyberPete) for Tatas’ pic…

With boots of rubber
waiting for her lubber
ready for action
with decent traction
bum in place
and hidden face
the shorts so snug
you can see her rug
but gentlemen beware
and tread with care
the hedge clippers are ready
so keep it steady
if not she will snip
and it won't your lip.



TO DENMARK:

This is the first time The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts have visited Denmark!

CyberPete hosted the competition starting March 5th, 2009. Click here to read his post.

The winner was announced on April 2, 2009. Congratulations to Donn (Homo Escapeons) in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada! Read all about it here.

Pictured below is CyberPete from the ankles down with Donn’s winning caption below.


Hey Sailor,
mi Curaçao es su Curaçao
u like?
H'OKAY TWANTEE DULLAH!


The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts are on their way to Canada for the FOURTH time!

TO CANADA:

This is the fourth time the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts have visited Canada!


Donn in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada is hosting the competition starting October 16, 2010. Click here to read his post.

The winner will be announced Midnight, Saturday, October 30th. 2010.

TO ENGLAND:

As promised, the winner was announced on Saturday, October 30th. 2010 and back to England we go.

Congratulations to BEAST in Bournemouth, Dorset, England! Read all about it here.

Pictured below is Beast’s winning caption…


The Shorts are now in the clutches of BEAST but we’ll let you know when he holds the next exciting competition.

BREAKING NEWS!!! (June, 2012)

England’s Miss Scarlet was forced to rescue The Shorts from Beast’s filthy lair.

As you know, Beast has hygiene issues and reportedly has been wearing The Shorts to bed each night in place of his SpongeBob boxer shorts.

Miss Scarlet broke into Beast’s sleeping pit and gingerly removed The Shorts from the floor with a pair of tongs. She proceeded to scrub them with a Brillo pad, whilst dressed in a hazmat suit.

Miss Scarlet informs us that following a rigorous scrubdown and a complex sterilization process, The Shorts will are ready for their next lucky winner.

The winner will be announced on Saturday 9th June 2012 @ 12 noon BST [British Summer Time]

Click here to enter!!!

UPDATE:

Meanwhile, Back in England…

The Shorts will stay in England!

On 9 June 2012, a winner was announced in Miss Scarlet’s Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Competition.

Congratulations to Inexplicable Device (aka Mr. DeVice) who has won the right to wear The Shorts for a SECOND TIME!!! You can read about his win here on Miss Scarlet’s blog and here on Mr. DeVice’s blog.

Here’s Miss Scarlet wearing The Shorts and below the photo you’ll find Mr. Device’s winning caption…


On the set of Tim Burton's latest film, Edwina Elfshorts, Helena Bottom-Carter glumly awaits take twenty-three of the "wedgie" scene.


UPDATE: MAY 2013

Inexplicable DeVice (aka Mr. DeVice) hosted The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Competition in England. A winner was selected on May 19th, 2013. Click here to read Mr. DeVice's preview and click here to read the competition post with all the captions for the photo below and finally, click here to read his announcement about the winner.

Here is a photo of Mr. DeVice wearing The Shorts. Look below the photo to see the winning caption by Princess...


Dr De Vice opens his new Dental Clinic.
"Let me thrill you while I drill you"

UPDATE (May 2013): For the first time ever, The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts are going to AUSTRALIA!

Congratulations to Princess in Australia!!!








So there you have it, folks. The Definitive History of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts.

They’ve traveled the world and Andrea is considering signing them up for air miles.

JUST LOOK WHERE THE FREAKIN' GREEN ELF SHORTS HAVE BEEN!…

(click to enlarge)
Map created by Inexplicable DeVice


I’ll do my best to update this posting as The Shorts continue to circle the globe.

Finally, a special thanks to those of you who helped me compile this History.

And a huge group hug to our Andrea who started all this madness in the first place. Just look what you’ve gone and done, young lady!!!



All hail Andrea, Queen of the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts!


Please email me if you spot any errors or broken links in this “History.”





Cheers to all of you Fans of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts.

May The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts be with you.

43 comments:

  1. NOTE: I won’t be updating for a few days so you’ll have time to read all about the fabulous Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts winners who’ve preceded me.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yay! second.

    Andrea looks like Ashley Judd, ya can't fool me.

    That karen is a right wee raver.
    So is the shorts thing a world wide plan to infect as many people possible with crabs? if it isn't then I just don't get it.

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  3. That was most excellent! I thought the elf shorts were gone for ever but now they're back and with a vengeance!

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  4. As the current owner, I have to know:

    Is the sweat of everyone who preceded you still on them or have they been washed?

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  5. Wow MJ! You did a wonderful job! Too bad you're not a student and can't get graded for this project! Great improv on behalf of Karen,lol !

    The best part is, Ms. Mac has another crack at winning! Yay Stella!

    It's way too funny to see the traveling history like that, great job.

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  6. I am so relieved that the shorts had not gone permanently missing.

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  7. OMG, that was quite amazing!

    I must admit I got a bit weepy at all those happy memories of those shorts.

    Again, I apologise for the stains....

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  8. *weeps*

    Beautiful...just fucking beautiful.

    I thought I had seen the last of my humiliation.

    Oh and did you recognise my stain?

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  9. This is a true work of scholarship.
    You deserve a PhD in blogging.
    Dr mj!

    ReplyDelete
  10. this is how pandemics are started, you know.

    are you sure you can handle the pressure, mj????

    ReplyDelete
  11. KNUDSEN: We’re a secret society.

    Just relax and have a happy birthday you old hornivore.

    MS MAC: I’ve heard you’re the Susan Lucci of the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition. Are you prepared to lose again?

    DARIO: You won’t know if The Shorts have been washed ‘til you win them yourself.

    But I’ll let you in on a secret … regardless of whether or not they’re clean, you’ll feel absolutely filthy wearing them.

    KIM: Thanks! Does this mean I get out of detention?

    ANTIPODEESSE: The Shorts have not gone missing though there was a plot to kidnap them.

    ANON: Ah yes, I see an anonymous stain here.

    SID: Stain? More like stains plural!

    Unfortunately, Carly got her mitts on The Shorts when Steve had them and she’s chipped away at your stains.

    Nonetheless, I was able to identify your stains and I’ve been inhaling deeply of them ever since. (Picture the Dennis Hopper character in Blue Velvet with the mask and you get the general idea.)

    I am loathe to give up The Shorts as a result.

    KAZ: Ta. I would like to use that title of “Doctor” to examine … oh never mind.

    FN: You know I can handle the pleasure.

    *inhales SID’s stains again*

    Oh wait. You said “pressure” not “pleasure.”

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hello John in Redcar!

    Schwing, indeed!

    .

    I mean: What a splendid history.

    ReplyDelete
  13. IVF: You big slut. Using this blog as an opportunity to chat up Men in Shorts.

    JON: Stay well clear of Inexplicable Device (IVF). He's syphlitic and warty.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I don't know what came over me?

    ::hisses:: Jon. Don't listen to her. She's just jealous of my big Broom!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Well fuck me! Do you have any phone numbers? John obviously but also Sid or Frally...

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  16. IVF: Your big "wart-laden" broom.

    MUTLEY: You’ll end up in a bitch fight with IVF over Jon.

    And hands off my man slave SID or I’ll slap you silly.

    So Frally’s your best bet but I don’t have her number.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Unfrickenbelievable. I'm so green with envy.

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  18. So that's how it all began. What a story!

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  19. Must win F.E. shorts. Even if it's only to sniff the stains.

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  20. so post your photo and let us get on with the captioning!

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  21. great post - and loved the poem!

    ReplyDelete
  22. As old knuddie would say: "looks kind of ghey to me"

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  23. I swear, when I started this thing I figured they'd disappear right away! Imagine my shock when almost three years later they are still doing the rounds.

    I don't care if they are stained or not, they'll always remain number one in my heart!

    This is sooo fantastic I can't even tell you! and to see the complete history!? Amazing!

    Thanks MJ for this!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Like I says....destiny.

    Nice work with the history. Blah blah blah.

    Get on with the competition.....

    ReplyDelete
  25. WW: Then be sure to enter the competition and keep The Shorts in Canada!

    CHELLY: You thought it was all a practical joke, didn’t you?

    TICKERS: Admit it. Your intent to win is solely to sniff the stains.

    CB: You slumming here?

    FROBI: Thanks! I was moved to write the poem by Steve and John’s manlove. It’s an inspiration to us all.

    RICH: That Old Knudsen is a bad influence on you.

    You used to be such a nice young man.

    ANDI: *prostrates self in front of Andrea, Queen of the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts*

    We are not worthy!

    EDDIE: You insolent little bastard.

    Watch your mouth or no Shorts for you!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Canada's APRIL PISSOFF should have won a special award and the event should have been retired with her decisive win. Outrageous.

    May the shorts be with you.

    ReplyDelete
  27. HE: It's up to you to keep The Shorts in Canada.

    In fact, I'm counting on you and fellow Canuck WW to one-up each other in the caption competition!

    ReplyDelete
  28. You really make history come alive. Now hopefully the bacteria on those shorts won't come to life and devour you. You are okay aren't you?....MJ?

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  29. PRU: I'll be (sniff) um (inhale) fine.

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  30. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  31. Those shorts have seen some action.

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  32. Brilliant, but I'm still haunted by the shorts...

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  33. very Very strange ...

    I LIKE IT !!!!!

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  34. Oh, thank goodness... a proper definitive guide.
    Sx

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  35. Love reading the history of the Freakin Green Elf Shorts!
    Thank you for rescuing them Miss Scarlet!

    ReplyDelete
  36. Well it's about time they resurface! (I suspect they also needed resurfacing.) Found many a friend connected with the freakin' green elf shorts, I did. :)

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  37. Although I have been to hell and back in the last two weeks, I can confirm that the FGES are safe and sound and in my knicker drawer.
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
  38. And I can confirm that I received them in the post a couple of weeks ago complete with some of Miss Scarlet's knicker draw sundries!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One can only imagine the contents of Miss Scarlet's knicker drawer.

      We anticipate seeing your long (pasty) legs in The Shorts once again, Mr. DeVice.

      Delete
  39. I have sent Mr Devine something to make his legs even more fetching :-)
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stockings and suspenders, perhaps?

      Delete
  40. Replies
    1. I'll take that as a "yes" Miss Scarlet.

      Delete